Chapter 4 #2
“No problem, probie.” She winks at him and my traitorous heart feels that pang of jealousy, wondering if there’s something between them beyond a working relationship.
It doesn’t matter, though, does it? I have to try and remember whatever is going on in Tyler’s life is his business.
He made that clear to me years ago. I was nothing to him then, and I’m nothing to him now.
“Hey, champ,” Tyler greets Noah as he sits nearby. “I’m going to ride along with you just like I promised. How’s that IV?”
“It’s okay.” Noah lifts his arm and wiggles it around. The hives are still all over his face and neck, but haven’t gotten worse in the few minutes I’ve been around him. My poor boy is still puffy and unrecognizable around his eyes, but I’m hoping they can give him more medicine at the hospital.
“Why is he still so swollen, even with all the medication you’ve given?” I ask Polly while inspecting Noah.
“He got both doses of his Epi-Pen and Benadryl at the school. Once we get to the hospital, they’ll evaluate him and see if he needs more medication, like steroids or if more antihistamines are needed.
The fact that we were able to keep more swelling and hives at bay is the most important,” Tyler interjects before Polly can explain.
I can feel his eyes on me, but then I notice him in my periphery turning his attention toward Noah. “You feeling any difficulty swallowing or speaking?”
Noah shakes his head.
“That’s good,” Ty says, then swings his attention back to me with a reassuring smile.
I let out a breath, my gaze remaining on Noah. My hand runs through his hair. I lean down and kiss his hand. “You’re so brave. I love you so much.” I smile at him.
“I love you, Mommy,” he whispers back.
Noah only recently started calling me Mom, claiming he’s now a big boy.
I’ve noticed he only calls me “Mommy” when he’s scared or sick.
I miss his chubby little hands squeezing my cheeks, but I will admit I would do anything to hear him call me Mom right now and have him feeling one hundred percent.
At least he wouldn’t be in the back of an ambulance.
When I pull away, I look over and catch Tyler looking at us, a pensive look on his face. I wish I could read his mind right about now. He doesn’t know this side of my life. The last time we connected I was still the old Indy, untethered to a child, and only broken because of parents who lied to me.
Now there are so many pieces of me he doesn’t know about, facets of my life he never got to experience.
Letters I itched to write, but never did, with updates about things throughout the years because I missed him.
My world went up in flames and Tyler was nowhere in sight, because he was selfish and nothing how I imagined.
He isn’t privy to what’s going on anymore because he chose to walk away from me.
Now he’s an onlooker into my life—an outsider—a choice he opted for years ago because he broke my heart instead of cherishing it.
We pull up to the ambulance loading zone at the emergency room and we’re seamlessly escorted through.
The moment the back door to the ambulance opens, Noah’s gurney is pulled out and everyone is speaking to the hospital staff.
I’m trying to keep up, but I feel overwhelmed by the medical jargon being spewed from one person to the other.
Tyler and Polly are answering a ton of questions, while I stand back with Noah, holding his hand and constantly asking if he’s feeling alright. The nursing staff is checking on him and assessing his hives, ensuring he isn’t having trouble breathing.
We get ushered to a room and soon we’re going through more questions while the paramedics are handing off their report.
I watch from afar as I know I’m close to seeing the last of Tyler.
A part of me is relieved because I feel like I can’t breathe around him—but there’s another part of me that knows I want to hold onto this.
Now that I’ve seen him, I want to know more.
What has he been up to all these years? What brought him to Boston? Why did he leave the military? Why did he ruin me all those years ago? Why did he ruin us?
As if my thoughts attract his gaze, Tyler locks his focus on me.
“Ouch, Mommy. You’re holding my hand too tight,” Noah says.
“Oh, sorry, sweetie,” I tell him. Get a damn grip, Indy.
I look up again and now Tyler is walking toward us. He makes his way into the room.
“Listen champ, I’ve gotta run. But you were so brave out there. Promise me, no more fights with bees. Got it?” Noah gives Tyler a small smile in return, even though I can tell the hives are impeding him from giving him a full one.
“Promise,” Noah says.
Tyler brings his focus to me next. “It was good seeing you again, Indy,” he says.
“You too, Tyler. Thanks for everything you did for Noah.”
He stands there an extra beat, and a part of me wishes he’d tell me how much he’s missed me since we last saw one another.
That romantic side of me, the one that I know is buried deep inside and didn’t fade away years ago, is begging Tyler to swoop in and kiss me.
But then that bitterness resurfaces, and I remember the feeling I got that day when I felt worthless holding that last letter. It felt like a brick in my hand.
I steel my spine again and stand taller, composing myself in front of this man that shattered my heart into a million pieces. Finally, he nods and turns around. I watch his retreating form as he leaves, and it takes everything in me not to chase after him.
“Aunt Kalli, you can’t do that!” Noah declares.
“I beg your pardon? I sure can,” Kalli says yet again.
I swear playing UNO with Kalli is worse than any child in the history of ever.
“I need an intermission,” I put my cards facedown and stand up to stretch.
“Okay, kiddo. Your mom and I need a breather. She can’t hack it with top UNO champs like us,” Kalli declares and I hear Noah chuckle behind me.
“Don’t gang up against me, you two,” I say, even with my back to them.
“Can I watch my iPad for a bit? I’m a little tired,” Noah asks.
“Sure, baby.” I grab his things from the table, putting his headphones on, with his iPad in place.
The swelling has nearly completely subsided this morning, with a few raised bumps I can still see on his face.
They had him spend the night as a precaution because it still hadn’t resolved much last night.
Once Noah is comfortable and watching a cartoon of his choosing, I get settled in the chair next to him.
“Thanks for grabbing my car at the school yesterday. And for swinging by my place and getting me a change of clothes. I appreciate you feeding the cat,” I tell Kalli.
We have a white, long-hair, Persian cat named Darth. We got him a few months back and I almost named him Snowflake because he honestly looked like a ball of snow, but it came down to a vote. Kalli was our tie-breaker and she sided with Noah when choosing—traitor.
“Of course,” she tells me, checking her phone. Once she finishes typing, she tosses it aside and gives me a long look. I know something is coming. She looks over at Noah, who is engrossed in his show and brings her gaze back to me.
“Alright, I’ve given you enough time to recover from yesterday’s trauma. Now spill.”
“I’m sorry?” I give her a quizzical look.
“You’re acting funny and I have a sneaking suspicion it doesn’t have to do with what happened yesterday,” she says as she motions toward Noah on the bed. I look over to the little boy that holds my whole world and hope to delay this conversation a bit longer with my best friend.
I feel foolish all these years later that I haven’t told Kalli about Tyler.
I thought I’d never have to, if I’m being honest. I fooled myself in believing there’d never be a reason to.
The divorce papers were drawn up after we parted ways—when he torched what I thought was a possible future—and I chickened out.
I used every excuse in the book not to pull the trigger and send it out.
Shortly after Tyler imploded what I thought was something special between us, my brother passed away and the direction of my life shifted.
My brother made it clear who he wanted Noah’s guardianship to be with and I needed my focus on that little boy.
Noah became my center and everything else became less important.
Whenever I thought of Tyler and the divorce papers sitting in my drawer, I felt the unease creep in.
The pain of it made me spiral even more, so I’d shove it deeper in the recesses of my thoughts, until I eventually let it go completely.
I’m scared she’s going to be mad at me for keeping this secret about the sham marriage that I let take hold of my heart. In the end, I was the fool that lost focus of what it was supposed to be—a contract to serve my best interest. I let feelings take over and he obviously felt differently.
I’ll never put myself in a position to be made a fool of again.
And I haven’t since. I keep men at a distance now.
I keep everything at a comfortable surface-level so I don’t risk getting hurt; that’s as far as I can handle things right now.
Even with Roger, I’m aware giving him my whole heart is just too risky.
So, if things keep moving forward as they have, I’m fine to live a stable, comfortable life and hear about spreadsheets until the day I die.
“Seriously, Indy, what’s going on? You’ve been all fidgety since I got here,” she eyes me from her seat.
Kalli knows me better than anyone and she’s not going to drop this. Seeing Tyler yesterday rattled me and I haven’t been able to shake the encounter off.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I avoid her gaze. I look down at the lint that’s attached itself to my leggings.
“Now I know for sure you’re hiding something. Just tell me what it is. I know it’s more than Noah’s trip to the hospital. What happened that you’re acting all strange?” she pushes.
“I—”
“Knock, knock,” a red-headed woman with a spattering of freckles across her face enters the room.
She flashes her hospital badge and gives us a welcoming smile.
“I’m Erin and I work for the hospital registration department.
I need to clarify a few things with you regarding your paperwork.
Are you Mrs. Ranton?” She looks to me as she walks further into the room.
“Yes, that would be me.” I wave my hello.
“Wonderful. I was looking over your paperwork. I see you checked off your marital status as married” —She brings her computer into the room.
I keep my eyes focused on the woman, but I can feel Kalli’s eyes on me from my periphery.
I heard Kalli’s surprised intake of breath at this information.
Luckily, Noah is so enthralled in his show that he can’t hear our conversation through to his headphones.
Erin continues as if she didn’t just blow up my life—“but it wasn’t clear if you are the primary on your insurance or if your husband is. ”
My heart is thundering beneath my ribcage, and the room is suddenly feeling incredibly stuffy.
I hate that in the haste of nerves yesterday, I filled the hospital forms out in a desperate attempt to get everything out of the way, and forgot I checked off the married box on the insurance portion. I’m no longer a dependent on Tyler’s insurance, but I can’t lie on my paperwork.
Somehow, I find my voice despite my mouth going dry. “I, uh, I’m sorry about the confusion. I’m the primary on the insurance,” I confirm.
“Wonderful,” Erin says in a cheerful voice. “The nurses said your husband sat outside your room this morning, but he left before I got here. I’m sorry to bother you.”
I can’t help the look of confusion that must pass over my face. Was Tyler outside Noah’s hospital room this morning? Why would he return and risk running into me again?
I pull myself out of my trance and wave goodbye to Erin. Little does she know the shitstorm she has just left me to deal with. I’m sure my best friend will now verbally berate me thanks to this woman’s revelation.
I continue to look at the now closed door, hoping a nurse will walk in with discharge papers and distract us further. Unfortunately, the silence is the only thing that takes over the room.
I finally look over at my best friend and expect to see her seething, but instead I find a look of hurt across her face.
But now I see, keeping this secret from my best friend, of all people, has broken her heart. If the tables were turned, I wouldn’t be furious, I’d find myself stricken in the same way she is looking at me right now.
I look down at my hands, shame washing over me.
I finally speak and I can hear the defeat in my voice.
“I’m sorry.” There are no other words I can think of right now.
“Why would you keep this from me?” she asks right above a whisper. I can’t mistake the pain in her tone.
I shake my head. “I’ve only ever told my brother.
And my parents found out when I was in the process of gaining custody of Noah.
” I look over at her again. “I swear, I didn’t keep it from you to be hurtful.
It’s something I never wanted to talk about, and I never thought we’d stay married this long. ”
Silence washes over the room once again. The heaviness between us is new to me because our friendship has always been the one easy part of my life that I have appreciated through all my struggles. She has held me up when life has felt like it was trying to drown me countless times.
“Well, then, I guess you’re not carrying this secret without sharing it with me any longer,” she says.
And that’s when I tell Kalli all about the night I married Tyler, in what started as a fake marriage.
Then I continue the story about a marriage that morphed into what felt like a real love story for me.
That is until he disintegrated my heart years later right before I planned to confess that I wanted forever with him.