Chapter 10 Indiana
Indiana
“Isn’t it funny though?” Roger drones on about his little work tidbit.
In all honesty, I can’t believe we’re still talking about it. The restaurant is filled to capacity and all I wish is that my Arnold Palmer were spiked right about now.
Roger and I are at lunch and I was initially excited to be out of the house after a week of shit sleep.
Work has been nothing but endless meetings and late nights after I had to catch up following Noah’s brief hospitalization.
I’m so grateful he’ll be alright, but now I’m working nonstop, and I swear my eyes are seeing double when I look at my computer screen.
Unfortunately, with this lackluster story from Roger, I’m currently fighting sleep at this table, listening to my boyfriend drone on about fucking spreadsheets, Excel, and organizing data for his latest meeting.
I’ve zoned out as he goes on and on. Am I a bad girlfriend?
Probably. Do I care right now? No. He hasn’t asked me once if Noah is okay, so my patience is waning.
He’s quick to pull me out. “Ana, seriously, can you imagine?”
I honestly hate that nickname he uses for me. I mean, my name is unique and he shortens it into Ana, not that there’s something wrong with the name. But to go from Indiana to Ana just doesn’t sit right. Everything Roger does is bland—even the way he cuts my name down. I suppress my eye roll.
“I’m sorry, I missed that,” I say, holding back a yawn.
“I said, could you imagine if they really did name it ‘Mr. Spreadsheet’ or ‘Master Plan’ like they had thought about doing? I think it would be a completely different world out there.” He looks at me with an expression that’s hard to read.
Is he talking about Excel now? Is he serious?
To think I contemplated bringing Noah today to finally introduce him.
He’d be bored out of his mind. He’s spending the day with Kalli and her family; they’re going to the zoo.
Vivienne is obsessed with animals and loves imitating their sounds.
Noah loves showing her around and it makes me wonder if I’ll ever get to add to our little family. Noah would make the best big brother.
“I mean, do you remember that little paperclip on Word documents? Maybe that’s where it stemmed from. The sky’s the limit, really,” Roger continues.
Stab me in the eye with this butter knife. Honestly, what the fuck? I’m dying a slow death over here.
I simply nod and give him a tight smile as I take a bite of my sandwich.
Since running into Tyler, I can’t stop thinking about him.
My husband. Holy shit. I’m fucking married, although we’re separated for all intents and purposes, and I’m sitting here with my boyfriend.
Who has no clue about this double life I’m leading.
What kind of sick human being does this?
I’m terrible. I’m a horrible, miserable person.
I’m leading Roger on. I’m married and I can’t keep doing this with another person until I make this right.
All this time, I’ve let this marriage go on hanging over my head.
I get it was done out of convenience, but it’s still a marriage nonetheless.
If someone did that to me, I’d be furious.
I feel like there’s lead sitting in my stomach.
I can’t take another bite of food. What kind of heartless person does this to another person?
I’ve led Roger on like some sort of insensitive prick.
I’m over here mentally berating him for being boring over Excel and his job, all while I’m the one that deserves to be judged.
Hell, I deserve Roger throwing me to the curb.
“Ana, you look like you’ve seen a ghost?” Roger says, pausing mid-sentence.
I put my sandwich down, unable to take another bite. I look at him and blurt out, “I’m married!”
“Hey, how was lunch?” Kalli says as I walk through her house.
“I would say it wasn’t great,” I admit, dropping my purse on her kitchen island.
“Eek, why?” she says, pulling out a sparkling water for me.
I can hear Noah and Julian in the backyard with Vivienne.
“Oh, you know. Just the normal lunch, with a side of confession garnished with a girlfriend telling her boyfriend she’s married.”
“What? No! Why, Indy?” Kalli’s eyes go wide.
“Because, Kalli”—I throw my hands up by my sides—“it dawned on me as I sat there, letting him go on and on about Excel almost being called ‘Mr. Spreadsheet’ that I was mentally judging him on the boring conversation topic, when in reality, I’m the asshole because I’m dating him while I’m married. Who does that?!”
“Hold on—Excel was supposed to be called ‘Mr. Spreadsheet’? That’s a fucking weird name.” She scrunches her nose.
I snap my fingers. “Focus, Kalli!”
“Sorry, babe. I’m focusing. So, then what happened?”
“He kept going on and on about his spreadsheet debacle. Then I interrupted him, and I just blurted that I was married—because I really was feeling like a jerk in that moment,” I finally tell her.
“Well you are married, but you sort of aren’t. You haven’t seen each other in years. How did he react to it? Was he pissed?” Kalli asks.
“You’d think, right? He just sat there, with a blank expression,” I throw my hands in the air.
“I gave him a moment to ask follow-up questions. He honestly said ‘okay’ at one point and I thought he’d be mad, but he wasn’t.
I told him I understood if he wanted me to leave, but he said I didn’t have to.
We finished our meal and said goodnight.
He said he’ll call me later as if everything was normal. ”
“What? He didn’t break up with you?!” Kalli looks as annoyed as I feel.
“No. I’m so confused. Nothing shakes the man. I think I’m more irritated by his non-reaction than he is that I didn’t tell him I’m married.”
I expected at least a raised eyebrow or something from Roger.
Looking back, I think I would have had a stronger reaction from him if I told him Excel was dumb or that his job is boring than the dismissal I got at lunch today.
Honestly, what the hell? He acted like I told him I bought a new pair of running shoes. He couldn’t give a flying fuck.
“So, you agree he should care, right?” I ask Kalli.
“I mean, you’ve been dating for a decent amount of time. I would expect some sort of reaction beyond an ‘okay’ from him,” she agrees.
“This whole thing is really weird. I left the lunch feeling way off. Actually, I amend that statement. I have felt off since Tyler looked into my eyes at Noah’s school.” I take a drink of my water and look out the window to see my little man handing Vivienne the ball.
The way he plays with her is so sweet. I can’t help the automatic smile that spreads across my face.
“You should have seen the way he mimicked her at the zoo today. I had both of them making animal sounds. Well three if you count Julian by the end of the visit.” She chuckles.
“I wish I had been there. Next time I’ll have to join you. She’s gotten so big.” Time is definitely flying by. I still remember when Noah was Vivienne’s age and I was still trying to manage so much.
Noah’s deep-brown eyes spot me through the window and I wave.
“I should warn you, Noah’s been asking to go—”
“Hi, Mom!” Noah comes barging in. “I want to go see the fire truck that saved me.”
“That’s what I was going to tell you,” Kalli whispers as she walks past me.
I look from Kalli to Noah. I move closer to him, sweeping his hair off his sweaty forehead, and try to distract him. “How was the zoo?”
“It was a lot of fun. The lion was so big!” He gestures with his arms to show me and I laugh.
“Wow! Did you make all the sounds with Vivienne?”
“Yes! And she tried to stand like a flamingo, but kept falling over.” He giggles.
“She’s so silly.” I laugh along with him. I look over at Kalli. “Thanks so much for taking him with you. I owe you one.”
“Of course. It was our pleasure. Thanks for helping me with Viv today, Noah.”
Noah looks proudly at Kalli then over at me and scrunches his nose. He starts shaking his head. “I want to see the fire truck, Mom. On our way home.”
“Maybe another day, sweetie,” I start telling him.
“But we drove by and they’re there! I saw them when we drove by today. Pleeeease, Mom,” he insists.
“Yeah, about that,” Kalli begins, “we were driving back from the zoo and apparently the station that helped him is the one by us. He caught sight of them washing the truck. I guess he recognized them. The kid has eagle eyes,” she whispers low enough for me to hear that last part.
“I wouldn’t know, but he claims some of them were the same. ” She shrugs her shoulders.
I sigh and try to convince him otherwise. “Noah, they might be out on a call right now. It would probably be best to stop by another day, okay?”
“Mom, you’re always working and I have school,” he declares.
Man, this kid knows how to get me every single time. Using the work card gets me—and he knows it.
I look over at Kalli and she knows I’m going to cave. “Why don’t I go with you both? I’ll make sure Julian’s good with Viv.” She winks in my direction.
While Kalli is in the backyard, I’m working to ensure Noah grabs the items he brought over. I’m helping him with his shoes when Kalli makes her way to the foyer.
“Okay, all set here. Let me grab my purse,” she says.
Julian and Vivienne make their way to the foyer as we are about to leave.
“Noah, thanks for being such a big help today,” he says as he gives Noah a high-five.
“Sure. No problem,” Noah smiles. He turns to Viv, “Roarrr!”
Vivienne lights up at the sound and repeats it to him. Soon they’re both trying to outshine each other in volume until we’re out the door and I think my eardrums are on the verge of bursting.
“Who knew that girl could get so loud?” I say, rubbing my ear.
“Oh, consider yourself lucky Julian wasn’t involved. I had a headache a few hours ago.” She laughs.