Chapter 21
Indiana
Nope. I don’t care. Not one bit. Seeing Tyler and Marissa at the restaurant two nights ago has not consumed my every thought.
“Do you agree then?” Kalli asks, interrupting my thoughts.
“Of course I do,” I answer as if I know what she said, stopping my pen from tapping against my lips as I look out my office window.
For all I know, I’m agreeing to wearing a clown outfit at Vivienne’s next birthday party because I haven’t paid attention to anything for the last fifteen minutes. I don’t dare look over at my best friend, afraid my blank expression will give me away.
“Great, so I’ll let our best-selling author know her gargoyle romance is a go, and she should scrap the mafia romance she pitched the group with the dirty sex scenes,” she says, her sly smirk taking over her face when I swing a shocked look in her direction.
It’s then I realize she tricked me. She knew I wasn’t paying attention to a word of what she was saying.
Kalli was in the meeting I missed this morning when I was at a school performance for Noah. My assistant gave me notes that I still have to look over, but Kalli insisted on giving me the rundown on Ana Clevesky—the up-and-coming author that has hit the best-selling charts with her last two books.
Now I know why Kalli insisted on giving me the condensed version of those notes from the meeting; she knows I’ve had my mind in the clouds and she wanted to take advantage of it to get me to spill.
I guess today I’m not doing my best at masking how distracted I am. I internally roll my eyes at myself.
I told Kalli everything that happened at dinner the other night and I’ve done a shit job covering up how irritated it has left me. Why am I letting this whole thing with Tyler consume me to the point that my life can’t seem to move forward?
“You got me, alright? I’ll be present, I promise.” I throw my hands in the air.
“Hey, you don’t have to explain yourself to me.” Kalli puts her hands up as if surrendering. “I’d be pissed too if I saw someone with their hands all over the man I care about.”
“I don’t care about Tyler!” I groan.
“Why are you fighting this? You know you’re full of shit,” Kalli laughs. “Keep telling yourself lies. I bet if someone was making out with Roger, you wouldn’t even bat an eye.”
“I would too. Don’t be ridiculous.” I scoff.
“Sure you would, Indy. I mean, let’s not forget this is the same man you’re trying to divorce. Why are you getting so frustrated over this whole thing with Tyler if you’re trying to detach yourself from him anyway?” She pulls her blue-light glasses down an inch to give me a proper stare down.
“I just don’t understand why he didn’t mention her. Also, she doesn’t seem like his type, that’s all. She seems a bit too strong-willed.” I shrug and go back to looking out the window, annoyed that Marissa is everything I’m not.
That’s the thing. The moment I met Marissa, I could tell she was confident and her self-assurance made me question if that’s what I lacked for Tyler.
I hate that my mind went there. Is that why Tyler chose to walk away from me years ago?
Is that why someone else made him look in a different direction? Am I just not enough for him?
This is why I didn’t want to be around him anymore.
I don’t like feeling less than because I’m sensing the cracks in my exterior.
I don’t like this sense of inferiority because that’s not who I am deep down.
I built myself back up, but the moment Tyler Hunter came back around, I started to feel the insecurities creeping in again.
Marissa is tall, strong, and vibrant. She’s everything I once thought I possessed, but then Tyler crashed this world I built up in my head, and my confidence was shattered.
I had to rebuild, and it’s never really felt the same since then.
I need Tyler out of my realm so I can go back to being Indiana without Tyler.
“Have you talked to him since the other night?” Kalli asks.
“No.” I shake my head.
I’ve avoided reaching out, sort of annoyed and also wanting to keep my distance.
I know he read into my emotions that evening and I don’t want to give him more ammunition at this point.
Maybe if I play it right, I can just find someone to serve the papers and get this over with.
But then there’s a side of this I can’t avoid, which is the why.
He needs to know the real reason why I waited so long to divorce him and it would be wrong to keep it from him.
I thought we could have a conversation before moving further into the divorce, but each time I try we seem to get interrupted.
“Indy, what is your goal here?” She throws her head back, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Honestly, I don’t know anymore. I thought I did, but I think he’s got the upper hand right now. The way he acted the other night, I can’t shake it, that’s all.” When I close my eyes, all I see is her hand on his arm. Then I feel his breath near my skin, talking into my ear, and my body ignites.
I’m confused and I want things to go back to before I knew Tyler was in Boston. I’m truly fucked, my emotions taking me on a roller coaster, and I don’t know what direction I want this ride to go.
“You better figure out what you want to do, Indy. Because you’ve got your monotone boyfriend and a hot-as-fuck husband. I vote for the hot one, as you know.” She waggles her brows and shimmies her shoulders, while I roll my eyes.
“Yes, you’ve said as much at least once a day,” I tell her. “You’re forgetting Tyler and I have a past that involved breaking my heart, along with this revelation about a girlfriend. Kalli, you seem to forget a lot of crucial details. Plus, Roger can’t just be tossed aside.”
“You’re right. Maybe tell Roger you prefer Sheets over Excel; he might break up with you and then you won’t have to deal with it.” She starts laughing hysterically, while I give her a flat expression. My best friend, everyone.
“Sorry, bad joke?” Kalli says, wiping the tears under her eyes.
“But you sort of set me up.” She realizes I’m not laughing.
“Okay, this is your life. I shouldn’t make a joke of it.
But it’s sort of ironic that you go a while not dating anyone and all-of-a-sudden you now have a boyfriend you want to get serious with and an estranged husband at the same time. ”
“Soon I’ll just have a boyfriend because the husband will be in my past.” I shrug and look down at my desk, trying to busy myself.
I move my mouse to awaken my computer to check new emails that have come in. Kalli finally relents and begins talking about work and we settle into a good flow of business that gets my mind off Tyler and the things that have consumed my mind for the last forty-eight hours.
An hour has flown by and before I know it, Kalli has another meeting she has to attend.
Once she leaves my office, my assistant comes in to update me on more things going on within the company.
I have more meetings throughout the day, meaning time goes by quickly.
Luckily, Noah has a play date with a friend, so I don’t have to rush after school to pick him up.
I sit down for the first time since this morning and gaze outside my window to reflect on everything without anyone chiming in on how I should feel. I look down at my oversized bag, itching to pull out the one thing that has brought me comfort recently.
I know it’s wrong, but I brought it anyway.
That damn journal has been calling at me to read it since I put it in my work bag while running out the house.
I ran back inside my room this morning and stuffed it in, even though I know it was a mistake.
The moment I started my drive with Noah chattering about his performance, I knew it was a sign of weakness.
What does it say about my feelings for Tyler if I’m longing to read how I felt about him years ago? Actually, what the hell does it really say about my relationship with Roger? Fuck—what am I going to do about my boyfriend and our relationship?
I think deep down I know what I have to do.
I can’t continue doing this thing with Roger.
It’s not fair to him, nor is it fair to me.
I may have told Kalli I want to move forward to try to get more serious with Roger, but I know my heart isn’t in it.
Even if nothing happens with Tyler, I’m not invested with this thing between Roger and I anymore.
My heart has long detached and my mind has drifted away from wanting anything to become more than surface-level between us.
I open the journal and begin reading.
October 6, 2018
Dear Journal,
I recently got a note from Tyler and it seems he might want to come visit me. I don’t know when he’ll be coming by, but he’s thrown it out there. What does it mean?
The last time I saw him, I was eighteen and it feels like I was a completely different person. I was unemployed, scared, very sick, and lost. Utterly lost.
Now I’m a professional, pretty much holding up on my own, and my life is starting to figure itself out. I’m a mess otherwise. I’m starting to develop feelings for my husband—well my fake husband that is. He doesn’t know that, but it’s the truth.
Do I tell him? Do I say, “Well Tyler, you see, throughout the years of these letters, I’ve gone on dates, but none of them really seem to compare to the person that I’ve gotten to know behind your words.” Ugh. That sounds lame.
But seriously, I think I’ve fallen in love with him. And I have no clue how he really feels. I can make assumptions, but I need him to come out and tell me.
What if he sees me or spends time with me, the real me, and hates who I am?
This is uncharted territory for me and I feel completely confused about it all. But getting that letter a while back has left me feeling jittery—either by excitement or fear, not sure which. No matter what, there is a high likelihood I’ll see him in person and I have no idea what will happen.