13. Baylee
Baylee
“In today’s session, it’s important to understand that what Myles did to you is not your fault,” Dr. Nuys explains.
“Yes, but—” I start.
“No, Baylee, there is no but to add to that. I need you to understand that what Myles did to you is simply not your fault. Period.” There’s finality to her statement.
“Okay,” I say.
“His behavior is his to own up to. Do you truly believe that?” she asks.
“Yes and no,” I answer honestly.
“Okay, explain that for me please,” she says.
“I understand that what he did was a choice he made. All the things he did to me leading up to that night, those were his fault. But on that night, I sort of pushed him and he physically hurt me because of that. I said things knowing it would get a reaction from him,” I admit.
Dr. Nuys looks at me and I can tell she’s processing what I just said to her.
“Baylee, I have met many in your position and you are not the first to say that to me. I understand what you just said and appreciate why you might feel that way. We all have pivotal moments in life where we’re brought to these forks in the road, and we must make a decision.”
I look down at my lap, having a hard time seeing past the fact that I knew very well I was pushing Myles that night.
“The thing is, Baylee, what Myles did to you was his choice. He chose violence. He did not choose words. He chose to be physical. I understand that in your mind you believe it was your words that pushed him over the edge. But he could have easily had a conversation. Instead, he chose to respond with force. So no, it is not your fault. The fault still lies with him. You spoke to Myles and he did not respond with words, he used his fist.” She’s calm as she explains.
I can’t help the tear that escapes down my cheek. I quickly swipe at my face.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her.
“I don’t want you to apologize. This is something that I expect you to feel emotional about. It’s something that will take time to process. It might take years for you to speak about it without feeling emotional,” she says.
“I feel like he took so much of me that night. Hell, I think he took so much of me for months leading up to that night,” I admit.
“Well, let’s talk about that then. What are things you liked doing before you started dating Myles?”
“Staying in with my roommates to watch movies. And I loved going out to parties with my friends,” I say with a distant smile on my face.
“Oh, well, that sounds about right for a woman your age. Why don’t you try going out this weekend? I bet you can find a party on campus to go to.” She smiles.
“I don’t know if I’m ready for that just yet,” I tell her quickly.
“Do you have some friends here in Boston you feel comfortable going out with?” she asks, concern etched on her face.
“Yeah, I’ve made some new friends,” I say .
“Then it might be nice to get out a bit.”
“Well, I guess that’s possible. I just don’t know if they’re going to a party,” I tell her.
“Baylee, I bet your friends are going out. If not to a party, then to dinner or something. I bet they’d gladly go out somewhere.
I’m not asking you to divulge what happened with Myles to them just yet if you’re not ready, but going out with them would be something good to do.
Having a new group of friends here is important,” she assures me.
“Okay, maybe I will,” I tell her, as I fiddle with my index finger.
“Good. I think this is a good place to stop for today,” she tells me.
I’ve seen Dr. Nuys twice so far. Once I moved to Boston, she was one of the first orders of business my parents asked me to figure out.
I thought it was going to be harder to find a therapist, but my oldest sister is a therapist, and she helped me set up the appointment quite quickly.
She’s highly recommended in the field and luckily had an opening.
Therapy isn’t as bad as I expected. I thought I’d be lying on a couch, with her taking notes in a chair like I’ve seen in movies, but this is nothing like that.
She sits opposite me, both of us in plush seats and it’s a very comfortable environment.
I feel relaxed with her, and she’s been easy to talk to so far.
I hope it continues to be an effective way to get my feelings out in the open.
“You’re finally going out with us?” Jada asks me, shock evident across her face.
I get it. I’ve been pretty reserved since they met me at the beginning of the semester.
We just started school, but each time they extend an invite to go out, I’m always giving them an excuse—I’m going to study or go home.
But after last night’s disaster confession in front of Tucker, the last place I want to be is home.
Plus, once Dr. Nuys suggested this outing being a good idea, I started to get excited at the prospect of getting out a little.
“Yeah, why not?” I shrug my shoulders.
“Okay, awesome,” Jacob smiles. “I can pick you up on my way over to Jada and Sydney’s place. Does that work?”
Sydney and Jada live off campus, and apparently right near this house party that’s happening tonight. The party seems to be something everyone is excited about to kick off the weekend.
“That works. I’ll text you my address.” I pick up my phone and start typing.
“Great. I get off work around six-thirty, then I’ll get ready and pick you up from there. Sound good?” he asks.
“That’s fine,” I tell him, “I appreciate the ride.”
“I’m so excited you’re coming along with us,” Sydney says. “There are so many cute guys at this party too.” Her eyes get big, and she gives me a sneaky smile.
“Hey, I’m standing right here,” Jacob says.
“I know.” She gives him a look and nudges him with her elbow. They’re constantly flirting, and I wonder if they’ll ever address the fact that they’re into one another.
I look over at Jacob and it’s hard not to take in how attractive he is.
The day I met him it was hard to look away.
He’s easy on the eyes, but once I saw him look at Sydney, it was apparent he only has eyes for her.
The way he looks over at her, it’s like all he wants is to make her happy.
And from the way the air crackles between them, the chemistry is mutual.
Jacob is tall, with vibrant blue-green eyes that pop against his warm golden-brown skin. He’s showing off his muscles in the warm weather that’s lingering with the last bit of summer before the cold starts to creep in.
Sydney is equally gorgeous with her short black hair, which she has dyed pink at the ends, and a sleeve of floral tattoos down her left arm. The way she carries herself reminds me a lot of myself before I dated Myles.
We’re hanging out in the quad before class, soaking in the sun on some benches and I’m trying hard not to think about my life before this.
I still haven’t divulged what happened with my ex-boyfriend and how everything unfolded with the attack.
I really wanted to start fresh here, leaving that difficulty behind me.
But I still find myself looking over my shoulder, fearing I’ll see Myles and those cold eyes watching me.
I know he posted bail shortly after his arrest. I knew it was bound to happen, but I still held hope it would take longer than it did.
Thinking about how he’s free and living as if he didn’t lay a hand on me really pisses me off.
But life isn’t fair, and I know I need to find a way to live without thinking about him every day.
He can’t leave his state without facing more consequences to his actions. I know his mother will counsel him to be smart and I have to hope he’s not dumb enough to do more damage to his reputation.
“Baylee, you okay?” Jada pulls me from my distant thoughts.
“Yeah of course.” I smile.
“You sure? You look lost in thought,” she says.
“Oh, sorry. Just thinking about this paper I have to write. Plus, I have no clue what I’m going to wear tonight. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a party,” I try to come up with a cover up.
“Oh, I bet you’ve got something you can wear.” Sydney winks.
I give them a small smile, hoping it’s believable. I look down at my phone and realize my next class is about to start.
“I’d better get going. Cunningham is not a fan if we walk in even a minute late. I swear she’s got hawk eyes, even with that lecture hall being so big,” I tell them, grabbing my bag .
“Oh, I know. I had her last year. I’ll walk with you. I’m headed that way,” Jada says.
“Awesome. I’ll see you two later,” I say to Sydney and Jacob. “Text me when you’re headed over.” I jut my chin to Jacob.
“No problem,” he says as he takes a bite of his apple.
Hopefully, Tucker isn’t home when I’m headed out and I can avoid the awkwardness. I honestly don’t want to deal with him after I word-vomited and he didn’t even say a word back to me. Standing there, opening and closing his mouth like a fish was enough. Humiliating is what it was.
I thought I was in the clear for the night, but I can hear Tucker moving around in the living room as I’m finishing getting ready right now. I just got a text from Jacob telling me he’s on his way and I’m nowhere near ready. Fucking damn it!
I took too long figuring out what to wear tonight, but I didn’t have my girlfriends here to help me out.
I caved and FaceTimed my old roommates for help.
Mandy was the only one home and she helped me go through outfits.
After what felt like fifteen options, we finally found one that looked right for a house party.
We settled on a tight dark-purple dress, sheer black tights, black combat boots, and a gauzy crisscross long-sleeve black top.
I did a smokey eye for my makeup and I step back, looking at myself in the reflection.
I do a few turns and it’s the first time since the attack—actually, since dating Myles—that I feel like the Baylee Rios I once was.
I feel like the empowered woman who took charge of what I wanted.
I’m excited about tonight, which is a huge step for me.
Dr. Nuys was right, I needed this connection with friends, and I think tonight will be good for me.
I haven’t been to a party, as a single woman, in quite some time.
For months I’ve had a voice in my head, telling me I wasn’t enough, because that’s what Myles kept enforcing.
I’ve had a man talking down to me, telling me I was inferior for so many reasons, making me believe all his horrible words.
After months with Myles, I adapted in the worst way for him.
Little by little, he peeled away the best parts that made me who I am.
He then formed me into a version of myself that became raw, hurting and constantly vulnerable.
He knew exactly what he was doing while I was oblivious to his monstrous ways.
He may have knocked me down that night in my apartment, but when he showed me the ugliest side of him, I also proved that I can pick myself up.
And little by little, I know that strong version of me is still inside this body of mine.
I just need more time to get back to who I once was.
And I will come back stronger. I just need to be patient with myself.
There’s a ping from my phone and I look down to see that Jacob is stuck in traffic.
I blow out a breath of relief. I’ll use the extra time to add a little more to my makeup and avoid Tucker.
Once Jacob texts me he’s downstairs, I’ll run out and my night will be drama-free.
At least I can avoid Tucker altogether and have a little fun with my friends.