28. Kennedy
CHAPTER 28
Kennedy
We’re up by one right now; however, all bases are loaded, and Andrews is at bat for the opposing team. The New Jersey Stars have been the team to beat, and this game is a nail-biter.
Brett is getting ready to pitch, and I can see him take a breath to calm his nerves. We are in the beginning of playoffs, and every win counts.
I look over to find River at the other end of the box, talking to my uncle, their eyebrows drawn in concentration. As much as we fought for years leading up to this point, it’s hard to look back at my life and not think of River and me together in this way now. Almost like each touch we’ve shared has erased the memory of the snarky comments and irritation we felt toward one another.
I feel a nudge at my side and look over to see my aunt smiling up at me. The moment my aunt learned of my dating River, she was smitten. She and my uncle have met him in passing through Sam and Ash, and my aunt always commented on how handsome he is, but now, it seems this whole romance has unleashed another side to her.
“You know, your uncle used to look at me the same way River looks at you.” She sighs.
“Ew, gross. Not information I needed, thank you.” I can’t help the gag that follows.
“Oh, stop it! Your uncle was quite the romantic one when we met. And after everything we went through trying to grow our family, he never lost it. He always took the time to tell me that he loves me and that I was all he needed in his life.”
The love they share is something I’ve always admired, second to my parents. They always seem to have this unspoken love for one another. Despite having the means to enjoy all the luxuries of this life, they never let that get the best of them and their relationship. They’re always putting their relationship first, and it’s something I never took for granted.
“It’s something to admire, that’s for sure,” I say, meaning each word.
“River looks at you with so much love in his eyes. I’m so happy for you, Kennedy,” she says, and my stomach does a little flip when I hear that four-letter word.
I can’t think of what to say, so I smile back, feeling like I can’t wait until we say those words to one another. As much as what I said in my doorway when we reconnected was confessions of love, I haven’t actually said those three little words together. I’ve nearly let it slip about twenty times since we decided to go all-in for this relationship.
I’ve thought of being the first to say it plenty of times, yet I keep stopping myself. And the longer I wait, the more I’m holding back because after everything that did go on between us, a part of me wants to hear him say it first. Is it childish? Probably. Do I care? Apparently not.
If I know River the way I think I do, he’s waiting for me to cave and say it first. It’s just the way we work. I can feel it in the way he looks at me, the way he steals glances much like he’s doing tonight, and his eyes tell me he feels the same way my heart does—full of love.
I hear the cheers in the background, and it pulls my focus back to the players on the field. We need Brett to strike Andrews out, and we will need a miracle to pull this off. Andrews is the Stars’ best player, and he has shown up with a vengeance at every game this season; tonight is no different.
The moment Brett begins his windup and releases the ball, I can tell all of us are holding our breath. The pitch is delivered, and Andrews takes a swing at the pitch and misses. The cheers are instantaneous, and I mentally tell myself just two more strikes. That’s all we need to get us that win.
Brett throws a fastball, and we see another strike cause an eruption in the crowd. I’m holding onto my aunt’s hand, probably cutting off circulation.
Brett shakes his head at his catcher, probably not liking whatever sign is being tossed at him. Finally, he gives an assuring nod, and I see the determination in his glare. Right then, I bring my hands together in front of me, letting a little prayer go up that this gets us to the next step of the playoffs.
The moment the ball is released, I watch it as if it’s in slow motion. I hear the swing of that bat, and all that it catches is air. Like a miracle from above, it’s another out, and that one moment signifies the end of the game. The players rush the field as if this were the winning game of the season; however, it’s simply a significant one to ensure they move on to the next round.
We’re screaming, throwing our hands in the air, and soaking in this feeling of relief and victory. River pulls me into a huge embrace, and I can’t help the screams I’m letting out. The significance of this win is exponential, and I know the players needed this to move forward with their heads held high.
All of a sudden, I hear the crowd making noise, and when I look over, I see them pointing to something in the middle of the field. It takes a second to register what’s happening, but that’s when I see one of my players, number thirty-three, Garrett Nelson, on one knee, his girlfriend standing in front of him with her hands covering her mouth and nose. I can’t see the details of her face, but I can only imagine her eyes are welling with tears.
I tap River to look over, and I stand there in awe. I am a sucker for proposals. I always have been. Something about that moment feels so raw and so pure between a couple. This time is no different.
The moment she says yes, I start to scream again, my heart soaring for the newly engaged couple. I catch River looking at me and then at the couple kissing and embracing in the middle of the field.
“I didn’t take you for a softy with engagements, Skipper,” he taunts, and I smack him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, well, I guess you have a lot more to learn about me, huh?” I toss back, and he throws his head back and lets out a big laugh. I smile at him, feeling like even if the words haven’t been said to one another yet, my heart loves this man in front of me. If we weren’t so stubborn about keeping from being the first to say it, I think I would belt it out now. But I keep my mouth shut, waiting for that moment when it feels right.
Later that night, we get ready for bed, Lola panting by our side, circling her dog bed until it feels right, and then plops down. Meanwhile, I pull the bedding back for River and me to get into bed. The moment I lay myself down on my side, I feel River’s arm hug my middle and tug me back against him.
I instantly feel warm and comfortable. He moves his kisses from my head down to my neck, nuzzling me and breathing me in.
Since River and I reconnected, Lola has been a welcome addition to the mix. She even spends the night with me when River’s pulling his shifts at the station. We’ve definitely moved forward without a hitch since that night, and I can’t say I’m upset about it.
My mind begins to drift to earlier tonight, and I feel my heart flutter a bit in my chest. It’s hard for me to think back to that proposal tonight and not let my mind wander to possibilities between River and me. I never really saw myself getting married, but now that I have this man by my side, my mind gravitates to that possibility in our future. A soft smile takes over my features as I feel my eyes get heavy, and I finally doze off, thinking of the man holding me and giving me everything.
* * *
The car feels smaller, and at first, I don’t understand how that’s so. But I look down, my legs longer than they were the day of the crash. It takes me a moment to realize I’m an adult in this version of the nightmare. I bring my hands up in front of me, my nails done as they usually are, and my outfit similar to the ones I use to go into the office.
I look out the window, and the scenery is the same as the neighborhood we were driving through that morning though. I’m living my dream in the same way; however, I’m grown up this time around. It takes a minute, and then I swing my gaze to the front of the car and realize there is only one body behind the wheel. I yell for my dad to look over, waiting for a glimpse of his face like I always do when I’m pulled back to that day.
The body is shifting to change the radio station, but when the person looks back, I feel like all the air in my lungs is nonexistent.
“River, what are you doing here?” I feel myself saying, panic laced in my words.
“What do you mean? I’m driving you to school,” he says in a tone that makes me feel small and silly.
Why is River in this car? I’m trying to think of something to say when all of a sudden, it dawns on me that everything happening in this moment mimics that morning, except the wrong person is in the car with me.
I look around me, trying to snap myself out of this new version of hell. I feel like I live this day on repeat when I close my eyes, but today, my anxiety feels crippling. As horrible as that day was to live through, I still knew what was happening when I’d be pulled back into the nightmare.
But now I feel lost. I look out the window and recognize where we are. We’re passing that part of the street where the other car goes through the stop sign at a speed that took everything from me.
I try to warn River to slow down, to look to his right, but I open my mouth, and it’s too late. I feel the force of the impact, and everything goes black.
My eyes open in a state of pure horror, pulling me from the memory, my body shaking and the tears streaming down my face.
I feel strong arms pull me in, and all I can do is cry. I’m digging my nails into River’s skin, that simple act reminding me it was all a nightmare and none of it was real.
Gasping for air, I can’t calm down. River keeps shushing me, telling me I’m safe. I don’t know how long he holds me, but it feels like forever before my heart rate slows, and I can take a whole breath in.
My breaths begin to even, and I peel myself away from River’s chest. My tear-soaked cheeks keep my hair stuck to my skin, but River moves as much as he can out of the way, dropping kisses along my cheeks, then moving his lips down to the corners of my mouth. Eventually, he drops a small kiss to my lips, his eyes full of concern.
“Kennedy, talk to me, baby. What happened?” I feel my eyes well up again just at the thought of what happened in my subconscious.
I’m surprised it took this long for a nightmare to happen since I started seeing River. I have always been a restless sleeper and that hasn’t changed since we started sleeping together, but my nightmare hadn’t returned for months.
“I sometimes have nightmares about the day my parents died. It’s always on repeat, pulling me back through the steps leading up to the accident. In some morbid way, I sort of look forward to seeing them, even though the entire memory is so horrible. But it’s like a window into a world I never got to see carried out past the handful of years I got with them.
“But this one was different. This one didn’t have my parents in the front seats. This one had—” I choke on my words, feeling as if my breath is once again taken from me as I recall the horror that felt like reality just moments ago.
“This time, it was you sitting in the seat. And I couldn’t warn you, and everything went black.” I feel the tears slip free again, that fear that the one person who is finally holding my heart is going to leave me just like my parents did.
River brings me back so that I’m engulfed in one of his embraces, holding me close, and I hear the steady beat of his heart against my ear.
He’s here; he’s with me. He wasn’t there; he’s going to be okay.
I keep repeating those words, hoping they start to feel real the more I breathe him in and feel the beat of his heart in his chest.
“I’m right here, Kennedy. I’m not going anywhere.” He tries to assure me, but I start to shake my head.
“You can’t promise me that. You can’t say those words and know for certain,” I say, once again turning into a blubbering mess as I let fear overtake my emotions again.
“Kennedy, look at me.” River adjusts himself so his eyes are in direct line with mine. I try to avoid his gaze, the vulnerability in my soul at an all-time high.
I keep my eyes anywhere but on him, but eventually, I give in, unable to keep from losing myself in his gaze.
“I’m not going anywhere.” He moves my hand to touch his chest above his heart. “You feel that? That beat beneath my skin? It’s there because it beats for you. It beats in rhythm to the love I feel for you. Because that’s the thing, Kennedy. I love you, and all my steps will lead back to you. Always,” he says with no hesitation.
Right now, in this moment where he confesses his love for me, I forget about how stubborn we’ve both been at not declaring our love for one another. This right here is about us; it’s about a love that erupted from the most unlikely place.
“For so long, I pushed you away. I kept you at a distance, thinking it was a result of years of irritation and annoyance. But I think my heart knew the moment I let you in it would never be the same. And it hasn’t. I have loved you far longer than I could imagine, River. You’re it for me.” I stroke the soft hair on his chest, trying to memorize everything about him in this moment.
“I’m scared now that I found you, I’ll lose you. Like there’s a dark cloud that sees my happiness, and somehow I’ll lose everything once again,” I say, my voice above a whisper, fearing if I confess this too loud, something in the universe will pick it up and run with it.
“Life isn’t about control, as much as you’ve worked hard to attain it. It’s about giving your heart a chance to love, even if it breaks later. It’s about giving that muscle a chance to get stronger. Because without those moments, you’re not living. You’re simply surviving until your last breath.” He drops another soft kiss against my lips.
I let that kiss deepen until I feel him get hard against me. He turns me so I’m on my back, and he pulls away, his gaze full of passion and love.
“Kennedy, you don’t have to fear my love being lost with you. Your heart is safe with me. It just took me some time to figure myself out, but know that life feels fuller with you by my side. And I will not leave you behind to feel that kind of loss again.” Then he brings his lips to mine, and, for the first time, I feel myself get lost, not in the physical need I have for this man, but in the love we’ve learned to embrace between one another.