CHAPTER ELEVEN
Our hike back to Ersa Estates was subdued. Even the sky was overcast, matching the mood. After the injuries that some in the group sustained, the loss of a man’s life, and the fact that the Strangers were walking away from it all empty-handed, nothing felt worth saying.
Which was probably for the best because my head was still a mess of ruminating thoughts. I had gone to sit on the beach in hopes that it would give me some clarity, but instead, the encounter with Kieran had only left me with more unanswered questions.
We walked in the same formation as we had the previous day. Which put me behind him, staring at his back as he walked.
After our kiss, I had crawled back into my sleeping bag, heart pounding. It was some time before I heard the shuffle of fabric a few sleeping bags away, letting me know that he had also returned.
What had he been doing? Why did he go into the woods alone? My mind kept running through the possibilities. Then I considered his visible pain as he denied us something that I thought we both wanted. Suddenly, it seemed pretty clear what he had disappeared to do.
My feet were moving automatically as my imagination ran with that idea. Picturing how he must have looked, relieving that tension. The sounds he might have made. If he continued thinking of me during. The expression on his face when he finally found release.
An ache formed in me that was almost unbearable.
I blinked several times, then forced my gaze beyond Kieran to the trail ahead of us.
Regardless of what he had been doing, he had barely spoken to me that morning as we packed up camp. Now, as we hiked back through the forest, I wished he would say something. Even him poking fun at me or making a sarcastic comment would’ve been better than silence.
We arrived back at Ersa Estates while Nya’s roommate, Wren, and the other cooks were still dishing out breakfast. Eggs and jerky again.
Rubi was sitting at the edge of the circle of chairs, bouncing Filimena on her leg. The second she caught sight of us, she grabbed the baby and ran to Cecil. The two of them almost disappeared in Cecil’s giant hug. Then Xiomara joined them.
Nya had already agreed to take the difficult job to break the news to the family of the man who wasn’t coming home. She turned onto a side street before the cul-de-sac and headed toward a house where a woman and teenage girl were already waiting in the yard.
I averted my gaze and focused on the bonfire ahead. I knew what it was like to get that news, to know that someone you loved was never coming back. I tried to tune in to the conversations around the fire. Tried not to hear the piercing wail that carried from that yard.
The group continued to splinter off, including Kieran. Eventually it was just me.
I understood. After what was essentially a defeat, everyone needed some time with family. With friends. Alone, even. Their lives were here, and they couldn’t be expected to babysit me all hours of the day.
I chose one of the chairs closest to the fire, then instantly regretted it when the heat rubbed up against the heat from my sunburn. I moved to an old lawn chair a few rows back.
I was going home tonight. Returning to Cyllene.
I couldn’t decide how I felt about that.
I stared into the flames, listening to the crackle and breathing in that musky scent that had already become a comfort.
The day passed quietly. The clouds remained gray and heavy overhead, but no rain fell.
Eventually, Nya found me where I sat by the fire and let me know she was going to her room to rest. Her eyes were weary, and I knew it wasn’t just from the battle with the Leviathan.
After I reassured her that I would be fine on my own for a while, she headed to the house.
For lunch, the cooks served plates of summer vegetables, fresh from the camp’s garden.
Juicy red tomatoes joined yellow squash, purple eggplant, and bright green cucumber in a mixture that was surprisingly delicious.
Even without a protein, the cooks had prepared the meal in a way I imagined even Brielle would appreciate.
“We have more to work with when hunting’s good,” Wren had explained as she handed me my plate and cutlery, a bandana tying back her auburn hair.
The large folding table she reached over was tidy, the platters of vegetables neatly arranged, still keeping with that theme I was noticing, that what the Strangers did have, they tried their best to maintain.
“But everyone’s been busy with other things lately. As you know.”
While walking back to my spot by the fire, my gaze snagged on another girl around my age, whose almond eyes were fixed on me. Even though my stomach clenched, I forced myself to look straight ahead and pushed a breath in and out my nose.
I was a visitor here. An anomaly. There were multiple reasons why the girl may have been staring at me, including something as simple as that I had something on my face. I refused to let Xiomara get in my head even more than she already had.
I was still eating, lost again in my thoughts while the fire danced before my eyes, when I heard the chair next to me creak. I turned, expecting to find Nya or Kieran.
It was Cecil.
He gestured to my plate with his own. “It’s not much, but we’re running low on meat right now.”
I wished they would stop explaining why they couldn’t serve me a more impressive meal. Like I was there to cast judgment.
“It’s really good,” I said, and meant it. There was a question that had been tugging at my brain, though, and I decided this was as good an opportunity as any to ask it. “If you don’t mind me asking…how do you, Nya, Kieran, and some of the others maintain being so muscular?”
Cecil swallowed more than just his food, his eyes downcast. “The cooks usually insist on giving us extra rations, even when we try to refuse. They say it benefits everyone because we need the calories to hunt and to protect the camp. But it still feels wrong, you know?”
The cooks’ logic made perfect sense, but I imagined I would feel the same way if I were him. Not wanting to take more than my equal share, no matter the reason.
We sat in silence for a while. Mostly companionable silence, although I was becoming curious why he had chosen to join me. Where were Rubi and Filimena?
His blond hair curled around his shoulders at the ends, blending with his fair beard. Once his plate was empty, he crossed his arms over his rumpled shirt and stretched his legs toward the fire.
“You know,” he said. “Rubi is the love of my life.”
I smiled politely. “I can see that. You two seem to love each other very much.”
“We do.”
Some time passed, and I assumed he was done speaking.
Then he said, still staring at the fire, “I want you to know, though. There was a time when I would have said the great love of my life was your sister.”
At first, the words didn’t process. I set my fork down. “My sister?”
“Yep,” he said, popping the p-sound. His eyes were trained on the fire, but they had a faraway look to them. As if he was seeing something else instead. “I was crazy in love with Irene.”
I should have been incredulous. I should have bombarded him with questions. I should have unloaded on him for not telling me sooner that he knew my sister. But instead, I sat there. Plate on my lap. Still.
Waiting.
“Part of Irene’s job was coming Outside to do supply runs. You know that.”
I did.
“We crossed paths one day when she got separated from her troop or squadron or whatever the hell the Enforcers call their little groups. She practically chased me down. Wouldn’t leave me alone until I stopped to talk to her.
” He chuckled. “She said she had always wanted to know what it was like Outside, how we all lived. And this was her chance! I needed to man up and have a conversation with her! Whatever I was doing could wait!”
I could practically hear Irene’s voice telling him all of that. Scolding some random passerby and railroading him into talking to her. It was so typical of her.
“Well, after that, I guess you could say we became friends. She told me what the Enforcers’ schedule was for making supply runs.
And she told me where on their journey home they would usually stop to take a breather.
So I would wait for her around that spot, hiding in the trees.
Sometimes I’d bring others from the group with me.
And she’d always sneak off somehow, with some ‘lost’ supplies for us. ”
I could barely breathe.
“I still don’t know how she pulled it off,” he mused, shaking his head.
He bounced his leg anxiously, as if the answer still ate at him.
“But she did, and I can’t tell you how grateful we were for it.
Food, clothes, you name it. I could sit here for hours telling you about the difference it made for us.
And do you know she never asked for anything in return?
I mean, I guess you probably would’ve figured.
You know your sister’s heart. The only thing I could think to do to make it up to her was give her something I knew she wanted, that we didn’t have much use for in our day-to-day—books. ”
My heart stopped. Just for a moment, I was certain, it had stopped. Skipped a beat, then found its rhythm again.
This was all too much. And yet not enough.
A family of four scooted past us, plates of food in hand, and Cecil gave them a friendly wave.
Then he continued, “Every now and then, our meetings wouldn’t go to plan.
Sometimes she got pulled for a different assignment.
And obviously she couldn’t insist on going on the supply run instead, or her boss would get curious. ”
I stifled a humorless laugh. “Get curious” was an interesting way to put it.
Irene’s Mentor was never simply “curious” about the things she did, in that simple, removed way that one would expect from his role.
He was always deeply invested in whatever she was doing, in her success, in her well-being.
In mine, too.