Chapter 23
Lilla
When I get to Hayden’s dad’s house, I give the door a knock before turning the knob and heading inside.
The house is clean, and smells like Bath and Body Works candles.
Stepping into the living room, the couch and the chair are empty, as well as the kitchen.
“Mr. Wilder?” I holler through the empty house.
I check the bathroom and the side rooms until I reach the last door on the left, which is slightly open, and I see him lying in his bed.
“Mr. Wilder? I’m Lilla, a friend of your sons.
He sent me to check on you.” He rolls over, opening his big brown eyes.
“Hello, sorry, I just needed to lie down for a bit, and it turned into half the day.” When he gets up, he looks down at his sleep shorts to find them soiled. He looks at me with sheer embarrassment.
“No worries, let's get you up, and while you take a shower, I’ll take care of the bed.” I give him a sweet smile as I help him into his bathroom.
Thankfully, he has a walk-in shower with a railing and a seat.
“It’s nothing to worry about. If you need help, holler; otherwise, I'll be right outside the door.” I turn on the shower, then step out to give him privacy.
I step out into the hallway to call Jace.
His line rings once before he answers. I can tell he was worried about him.
“Hey, he’s okay, he was just sleeping. Can you ask Hayden where he keeps the clean bedding?
” I listen as Jace asks Hayden, and immediately they both ask me what happened.
“Nothing, he is perfectly fine. He just slept a little too long and had a little accident. Don’t worry about it, and don’t you dare bring it up to him; he's already embarrassed. I’m going to wash his bedding and make the bed.
He’s in the shower now, getting freshened up.
I don't have anything major at work today; my assistants can manage.
I'll stay with him until you guys are done.”
I can feel the relief in Hayden’s breath, and his words hold so much appreciation. “Thank you, Lilla, I owe you.”
“No problem. See you guys soon.” I end the call before Jace can start in and head to where Hayden said he keeps extra bedding.
By the time I'm done getting the bedding in the washer and his bed redressed, I hear the shower turn off.
Mr. Wilder steps out of the bathroom looking good as new. “Why don’t we find you something to eat?” He leads the way to the kitchen.
“I'm sorry we had to meet like that. You must be Lilla?” His eyes grow wide.
“That would be me, and please don't worry about it, I'm happy to help Hayden out.” I start looking through his fridge to find him some lunch.
“I know he appreciates it, we all do. Usually, Jace is my sitter while Hayden is at work, and vice versa. One of them is usually here, taking care of this old guy. But today they had something. Left me to fend for myself, can you believe it?” I laugh as I pull out chicken and veggies.
“How dare they. How about some baked chicken and veggies?” He presses his lips together… “No?”
“How about a big juicy cheeseburger and fries with a Coke? They always make me eat healthy. I try to tell them the cancer's going to eat whatever I feed it.” Who am I to deny this grown man the meal he wants?
“Well, alright then. To McDonald's we go.” His face lights up as I take him to my car, making the most of our time.
On the way to the restaurant, Mr. Wilder tells me about Hayden and his wife, and how much he loved her. Then he tells me I remind him of her. It was sweet to hear him talk about how much he loved his wife and how ready he is to see her again.
We order our juicy cheeseburgers and fries, then he asks me to take him to see his wife. “I don't ask Hayden because I don't want to make him sad. Jace would bring me, but he already does more than enough.” We turn into the cemetery and head over to her stone.
Together we stand and talk about her, and who she was, and all the reasons he fell in love with her.
“I fell in love with the way she loved herself; it only made me want to love her harder. I wanted my love to fuel hers. If there were ever a day when her self-love slipped, I wanted my love to wrap her up and remind her of how worthy she was. This woman was my love in all forms, mind, heart, body, and soul. I loved every part of who she was, and I never wanted her to doubt it.” His words were beautiful.
I believed every word as he reminisced on the old days of young love and time well spent.
“The way you love your wife gives me hope. Hope that one day, I'll be loved like that too.” He smiles, hooking his arm into mine, as we make our way back to my car.
Sliding him into the seat, he looks at me with admiration in his eyes, “sweetheart, whether you believe it or not, you already are.” Giving him a small smile, I shake off the emotions before getting into the driver's seat. I can’t help but roll my eyes.
Surely Jace has been over here saying all sorts of things to this sweet man, painting me out to be stubborn and sassy.
He shakes his head, “I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Jace. You aren’t mind readers.
He doesn't know what you went through when he left, and you don't know why he left or how it hurt him.
There is so much suffering already in life, lessen it by being open and honest. It might hurt at first; in fact, it probably will, but when everything is out in the open, it frees you from holding in everything that's dying to get out. So let it out, let him have it, tell him, honey. Because there is so much I wish I had told my wife. Regret is heavy, silence is heavier, be loud, sweet girl.” Just as we pull up to his house, my eyes swell with tears.
I see Jace and Hayden sitting on the steps.
I wipe my eye before the tear falls, and he winks at me as Hayden opens the door. “Hey, old man. Had me worried today.” Hayden smiles at me. Jace opens my door, and I follow them in. “So, where did you guys run off to?”
Mr. Wilder looks at me and chuckles, “The strip club.” Then he turns and walks to the kitchen. Hayden turns and looks at me. I shrug and follow behind his dad.
I smile widely, winking at Mr. Wilder, “real tiger with the ladies, weren't ya?” Jace and Hayden both look at us, completely mortified.
“Jeez, relax both of ya, we went for greasy burgers and fries with a Coke, then we went to see Mrs. Wilder. Beds made, bedding is clean and in with the others.” I walk around the island, “I'm going to take off.
I had the best day. If you ever need anything, I'm your girl.
I'll come anytime.” I give him a big hug, thanking him quietly so only he can hear me.
“Thank you, honey, see you soon.” Just as I think I'll get out alone. Jace follows behind me.
Before I can leave, Hayden stops me. “Lilla, thank you so much. I don't know how to repay you.” I smile at him.
“Let me do it again. He’s special.” I turn to leave, and Jace still follows me. “I can let myself out.”
“You shouldn't have to.” I shouldn't have had to do so many things.
I slide into my car, remembering what Mr. Wilder said. Guilt eats at me, “Listen, Jace, you can't come back here after all this time and think I'm going to fall into you again. You can't really think I'd give you my heart after everything.” He places his hands on the window.
“I'm not asking you to. I'm asking for a chance to explain; you deserve an explanation. I'm not running away, Lil. If anything, I'm running after you, I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere.”
Setting my head back on my seat, I look at him, so incredibly torn. “I wish I could believe you. But I can't. What I can do is hear you out. Because you're right, I do deserve an explanation.” He presses his lips tightly and nods.
“I'll text you, and we can find a night to do dinner?” I nod, he steps up, and watches me as I drive away.
Tonight is dinner night. The dinner. The one where I’m supposed to sit across from Jace and smile like he didn’t break my heart. I look at the texts of him trying to get me to eat at his house, where he cooks, no doubt his best meal, a denial pie.
Jace:
So dinner, at my house? I’ll cook you a steak.
Lilla:
Nope.
Asshole:
Okay, cool, no steak, got it, pasta? Or chicken
Or literally anything you want.
I’m a good cook.
Lilla:
I’m not coming over to eat.
We can go out.
Asshole:
I make a mean grilled cheese
Let me cook for you.
Asshole:
I can make anything you want.
Lilla:
I want you to listen.
I am not eating at your house.
Take me out or fuck off. ??
Asshole:
Fine. Pick the place. I’ll pick you up at 6
Lilla:
Nope. I’ll meet you at your house.
Asshole:
See you at 6
Lilla:
??
He finally stopped trying to talk me into a situation I didn’t want to be in. What Jace will come to learn is that I do what I want, when I want to do it. I don’t hold back anymore, and I sure as shit don’t let people push me around, especially him.
I didn’t want to be in his home, in his space.
A space I haven’t been a part of for the last eight years.
It felt wrong, almost sinister.
My emotions about his sudden need to jump back into my life had me on a pendulum; my heart wanted to bury all things, Jace Evans. Meanwhile, my lady parts were craving to grip him, forcing him to give me everything he'd denied me for the last eight years. Every. Last. Drop.
Driving over there in silence, my heart races as my thoughts overtake the quiet.
I’m really doing this. Not for his dick, and certainly not to ease the constant throb between my thighs, that only seems to intensify the closer I get.
I’m going over there to tell him off, to set the record straight.
He isn’t my type anymore. The heartbreaker.
He stays on his side of town, I stay on mine.
Nodding my head with each thought, locking it in and pumping myself up for this fire, raging to be released.
Pulling into his driveway, Jace is already standing outside.
His black dress shirt hugs him in all the right places, showing off his forearms and the veins that run down them.
The top button is undone, giving his muscular traps room to move.
He starts heading toward me as my car shuts off.
Swallowing hard, I gather myself and remind myself why I’m here and what I came to do. Bad bitch energy, remember?
He opens my door. His smile is firm, his posture rigid, as if he’s holding something back; his sparkling white teeth draw my gaze to his lips, which curl into a smile.
“Hey, Lil.” Sliding out of my 4Runner, I shut the door behind me.
Then, his posture turns rigid as he turns and runs past me into his house.
“Shit, shit, shit.” I follow him quickly. What is happening?
Following him inside, he runs to Zeus, “Do not poop on my floor.” He lifts Zeus off the carpet, as runny poop comes out, all over Jace.
I can’t help it, it’s like a bloopers reel.
The laughter I was trying so hard to suppress comes flowing out.
Jace looks down, completely appalled, “This damn dog, I hate him, I didn’t even want the damn thing.
Buuut no, Hayden just had to make me have him.
‘He’ll be good for you.’ ‘It will help you remember what we saved.’ Yeah, well, all I see when I look at him is what I lost, and now this little mut is shitting his guts out all over my house, after weeks of rubbing his tainted ass on my carpet.
” I don’t know when my laughter stopped, but when his rant is over, the quiet blankets us.
Jace looks up at me, realizing I’m still now, “I’m sorry, that went 0-100 real quick, I’ll be right back. ”
Walking over to Jace, I grab Zeus, extending him out as far as I can to ensure I also don’t get shit on. “You go get freshened up, I’ll take care of him.”
After getting Zeus cleaned up, I move to the back room where Jace disappeared, peeking at him around the corner.
He stands over his dresser, arms outstretched.
I watch him in the dresser mirror with his eyes closed, breathing slowly.
He must sense my presence because he turns around.
“Sorry, you didn’t have to clean him up; I would have.
I just–uh, needed a minute.” His eyes scan my body, “You look gorgeous, ready to go?” He stands close, brushing his hand against my fingers.
I pull my hand away from his touch on instinct, just as his pager goes off.
“Fuck.” His word comes out in a harsh whisper.
I get it. I get the job. Is it selfish of me to feel disappointed that I wanted him to stay?
I needed him to. For selfish reasons, I wanted him to put me first, “Go. It’s fine.
I’ll stay here with Zeus and keep an eye on him, and also make sure you don’t come home to a shit-bombed house.
You go save someone.” The second the words leave my mouth, a sting slams into my heart.
I stand here telling him to do the very thing he promised me he’d do for me, and I believed him.
“I’ll be back as soon as I can, I promise. Just wait for me.” All I can do is nod.
I did wait.
I waited for years for him to come back and keep his promise.
Every day waiting was another break to my already frail and broken heart.
He did the very thing my parents had done; he left without looking back, stomping all over those promises and my heart all at once.
My breath hitches as memories flood back in.
I swallow down my emotions, shift my focus, and tighten the mask that I had slid into place before I stepped through his front door.
The veil of confidence and an unscathed heart.
When the truth is, my heart has never been fully fixed; it was patched just enough to keep it beating, but never completely healed.
I follow him out, holding myself together until the front door closes.
It’s in that moment that I let myself replay the harsh words he said, surrounding his dog, and the person he lost. I know what grief looks like, after all, I’m a professional at losing people, especially the ones who are still breathing.
Instead of letting myself sink into the dark hole of the never-ending wars within, I get up and start snooping, because what else am I going to do?