Chapter 35 #3
“I AM mad! I AM pissed! I am irate that not only did you break my heart, but you also stole from me, you used me, and you chose this–” Her chest rises and falls with anger, as she runs her hands up and down me, “Over me! You continue to believe yourself to be worthless; you think you need something to numb you? Is that it? I get it, you don’t want to feel the bad feelings anymore, but Lilla, you're numbing all the good ones too. Stop running, stop believing everyone else's bullshit lies, and believe in YOU, believe in yourself as I do. Because after everything you have done. I should hate you, but I don’t. I love you, so fucking much, so no, Lilla, I will not hate you. I will be pissed and yell at you if that is what you need. I will be the biggest bitch on this planet if it keeps you from throwing yourself off this damn bridge, or snorting another fucking white line that leads to nothing but self-destruction and wreckage!” Tears now stream down my swollen cheeks, “Do you love me?” She holds my face, wiping my tears away.
“I love you.” My chin trembles as the truth pours out. “You are the only person I have ever loved.” She wraps me into her arms as tightly as she can, almost as if she is praying this hug alone will make it better, will fix me.
“If you love me the way I know you do, then I need you to be strong even when you want to be weak. This isn’t going to be easy, Lilla.
Trust me, the heartbreak wasn’t either. You know what you and my heart have in common?
” We release our deathgrip hug. “It is durable, and it can be healed.” She grabs my hand after a firm nod and leads me to her car.
He slows the truck down and pulls to the side of the road.
I jump out without warning and walk to the very bridge where Haley brought me back, tears streaming down my face, because two people reminded me I was worth it, and now I can stand here knowing I am worthy.
I know now what I didn't know then, I know how to love myself.
I feel Jace walk up behind me, silently standing there, waiting for me to need him. “Tell me something honest.”
He walks beside me, looking at the water rushing under the bridge, pulling the leaves and sticks along its path.
“There was a time I was on this bridge alone, waiting for Haley to come save me. My whole body was itching as the withdrawals took hold like tiny bugs crawling beneath my skin, trying to break the surface. She told me to run to a place that grounded me.” A laugh breaks free as I shake my head at the memory, “When she saw me standing at the bridge, she didn't think it was the most appropriate place, given my mindset at the time. When she rolled up, I was standing on the railing. I don’t recall her yelling at me to get down; all I heard was your voice, ‘don’t jump.’” I take a deep breath, because in this moment, I wanted to tell him everything he missed, I needed to.
“I didn’t want your words to save me. I wanted to jump, I wanted to scream at everyone who left me.
Those two words saved me every time I got on this bridge.
To be honest, I only came close to jumping one time.
It was after I was—” I can’t say the words, I can’t relieve that moment, “I was so broken, like the clock on your arm, I believed this life was too long, I had too much time, and I wanted nothing more to lessen my time on this earth; but in the midst of the downpour, your words were like a landmine. Anytime I walked on this bridge, the mine blew. I decided I would not give those who hurt me the satisfaction of taking my life, after they already took so much.” His arm is wrapped around my waist, holding me against him, as I word vomit into the cool air.
“So when I say you keep saving me, it is more than the first night, or the fire, it was every time I couldn’t fight, your words took the front line, and saved me. You save me.”
He kisses my cheek, “I will always save you, but you have grown; you no longer need saving, you saved yourself, and that is the hardest thing a person can do. You stand here, stronger than ever, and I am so proud that I get the honor to stand next to you.” With his final words, he steals my words.
“You are too pretty to float with the sticks, baby.” His words flow from his mouth into my heart, “Let’s go home. ” Home, never had one, not until now.
As we wander to the truck, a car pulls up on the bridge, stopping just as it passes me. The dark-tinted window rolls down, and my father's big, arrogant bald head shines off the setting sun. “Lilla. We were just leaving town. What are you doing on this dirty bridge?” Hate courses through my veins.
“What am I doing? I am saying goodbye to the girl I used to be. To the child you left, the one who didn’t know what it was like to be loved or cared for.
I am saying goodbye to the Lilla you think you know, the one who stood here time and time again and wanted nothing more than to end it all.
This bridge was more my home than the walls you paid for.
” I walk closer to his car, and my mother rolls her eyes in the passenger seat.
“I hope one day, when you gather your senses, you leave this wretched woman, and you find the man you used to be. I am so thankful neither of you raised me; what a terrible person I would have been. The silver lining of suffering is I am nothing like either of you, thank fuck for that.”
I jump into Jace’s truck and slam the door. Jace pulls in front of them, and we speed home.