Chapter 39
Lilla
Jace has been gone for almost twenty-four hours, and I miss him. I’ve texted him a couple of times, but there's been no answer. Given what I’m seeing on the news, I can see why he hasn’t texted me back.
Lying on the couch, my anxiety tries to send me to a place where worry overtakes, and the unknowns scream all the things that could happen, a torturous game I no longer want to play.
Instead, I look around the newly decorated room, taking in every detail from the new photographs hanging on the wall with Jace on one side holding Zeus, and I on the other, as he gives air kisses.
To the plants lining the dining room window that I have surprisingly kept alive.
Everything is coming into place, making his house, our home.
Home. A place I’ve always longed for, but never had.
The one thing I have learned is that home isn’t just a place where you eat, sleep, and shit.
It’s a person, or persons, it’s who you surround yourself with.
Here I sit alone, and I have never felt more at peace.
The love from Jace shows even when he isn’t physically here.
It’s in the fridge notes or in the lunches, in case I forget to pack mine.
I have been alone in a house decorated with the finest furnishings, top-of-the-line furniture, the best-dressed parents, and fine dining plates.
All the finest things and all the greenest money could never match the love Jace gives.
The love I hope I return, and the love I hope to keep forever.
Love isn’t greedy or ephemeral; love is timeless, selfless, and transparent.
My phone begins to ring, pulling me from my deep thoughts, finally. Quickly, I reach over, grab my phone, and look at the name scrolling across the top. It isn’t who I hoped it would be.
“Hey, you, missing your HayHay?” I give Haley a soft chuckle, knowing she hates my assumptions about their situation. Waiting for Haley to respond, I hear a quiet sniffle.
“Lills, I–I need you to come over, and I need you to hurry. There isn’t much time.” Her voice is a whisper as the sniffles intensify. In my heart, I know exactly what is happening, yet I still beg for it not to be true.
“I’m on my way.” Jumping to my feet, I throw on my slides, grab my keys, and run out the door. I could hear the urgency in her words, the plea as her last word fell in a soft cry.
Pulling into Mr. Wilder’s driveway, my heart hammers in my chest, my palms begin to sweat, and my eyes fill with tears, the same ones I was raised never to let fall.
The moon shines high above, illuminating the dark, hazy sky, as the fire that the men fight so desperately to put out threatens our town and our lives.
Trying Jace once more, with no answer, I slide out of my car, and I hurry inside.
The moment my feet cross the threshold, Haley is running down the hall and into my arms. Her words are warm as she whispers, “The ambulance is on the way. I had to call; I couldn’t let him die.
I can’t. Not when Hayden is gone.” She releases me, her tear-streaked face puffy with red-rimmed eyes, drops as she grabs my hand, walking me towards Mr. Wilder’s room.
There he is.
Lying still in his bed under his cover tucked so tight I always wondered how he breathed, but that’s how he liked it.
He would say, ‘Make a mummy,’ and we would always laugh and do just that.
Stepping next to his bed, I watch as his chest sluggishly rises and falls.
Taking a seat on the edge of his bed, I slowly slide my hand into his.
When he feels my hand, his eyelids flutter, woodsy eyes meet mine, and he gives a small smile, lifting just the corner of his mouth.
“Hey, sweet girl.” His breath gets shaky, and his hand trembles, “Haley helped me…with something…she wrote what I needed to say… when I could say it…” With each pause, he gathers the air he continues to fight for.
I squeeze his hand, an unspoken promise, “I’m so tired, and I’m ready to see…
” He lets his hand rest in mine, “... To see my wife.”
“I love you.” Leaning down, I whisper the truest words I felt, the ones I longed to hear, and the words he showed so many of us the meaning of.
Haley whispers while sitting on the other side of the bed, holding his hand, “Please hold on, you can’t leave yet. Please, Hayden needs you; we need you. Please stay.”
His eyes open, looking once more at Haley, then me, his voice soft, words breathless, “I love you all, hug Hay…” His eyes close as his words leave, his breath falls short, giving my hand one small squeeze, my head falls on his chest, and that’s when I feel it, his last breath.
The ambulance pulls up, and Cody comes in with another man I’ve never seen.
He looks at Haley and me, giving us a curt nod, before removing Mr. Wilder from the place he has called home for fifty years.
We follow Cody out, watching as they load him onto the truck.
“I called the Chief when I got the call. He is informing Hayden. I’m sorry for your loss. ”
Sitting in the chapel waiting for the guys felt like ages.
How can you measure catastrophic time? All time is the same; there are sixty seconds in one minute, there are sixty minutes in one hour, and there are twenty-four hours in one day.
However, in a tragedy, the seconds drag, the minutes stretch, and the day seems to go on forever.
Waiting here for them felt like an eternity, because we knew something they didn’t.
We knew the call they were about to receive, the shattering news, the gut punch of reality, and the hurt of loss.
I crinkle the small paper in my hand that Haley gave me in the car.
“You should read it. Mr. Wilder made it my job to pass out the letters; he wrote one for each of us. He said, I would know when the time is right, talk about pressure.” Her voice is bleak as she rubs her hands together before wiping them on her pants.
I give her a small nod, remembering my promise.
I feel torn to read it now, or to wait, but I have a feeling this moment is the only moment I am going to have alone, because as soon as Jace barrels through that door, I need to be ready to catch him.
I need to be his rock, his don’t jump, his reason to stay afloat, and I can’t be weak for that; I can’t falter for him.
So, I open the letter slowly, Haley gets up, giving me space to sink into his words.
To Lilla
Sweet girl, how you have changed that boy’s life, and not just now, but then.
He has always talked about the girl who got away, the one who saved him, and when I met you that first day, I could see how much he saved you, too.
I’m going to give you some advice before I can’t.
So listen well, sweet girl, because love is hard, but it is worth it.
It will challenge you, it will shake you, but of all the things I know of you now, you will always figure it out, only now, you don’t have to do it alone.
Take the challenge, ride the waves, but do all things together.
Together in love, together in being pissed off, or hangery, remember to be loud with your love.
Be upfront and honest, demand what you need, and give it in return.
I am sorry your parents never gave you the love you deserved, but you have it now.
The four of you need to lean on one another, help one another, and ground each other, but it’s about to get a little rocky.
Now, I need you to do something for me; keep that boy in line.
He’s been a son to me for quite some time now, and this is going to hurt.
Let it hurt, let him get angry, let him yell at me for leaving, let him be sad, let him feel all of it, just don’t let him break.
It was a pleasure to have you in my life, to take care of this old man, and to love me.
One thing I know without a doubt is that your parents missed out on a spectacular girl like you.
Keep rising, honey, keep fighting the fight, and what’s Jace say, something like, Don’t Jump?
Love, your favorite old man.
- Mr. Wilder
As tears streamed down my face, Haley was now behind me, rubbing my shoulder as I let my emotions run.
There is no stopping these tears from falling, because what a joy it has been to be so loved by him, that he makes me feel this much loss.
To love hard is to grieve harder, and damn does it hurt.
But for Mr. Wilder, I let these tears stream; I welcome them, because he deserves the liquid love that falls, reminding me of all the love I still had to give him.
Haley sits embracing me in a tight hug, holding me up, because as Mr. Wilder said, ‘the four of you need to lean on one another, help one another, and ground each other, but it’s about to get a little rocky.’