Endgame

Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

MATT

I check the digital clock on the wall—eight twenty-eight.

I’ve been skating alone for two hours at the rink.

And practice doesn’t start for another thirty minutes.

I think I only slept for three hours before Ellie got home last night.

I’m going to be so fucking gassed when we run drills.

I’m internally groaning at that, but even holding Ellie’s warm sleeping form in bed couldn’t keep my restless energy at bay after that conversation.

I just had to move. Had to think. And this has always been where I’ve felt most at ease.

Until recently, my subconscious reminds me.

I’m doing loose, unhurried figure-eights around the rink as my mind spins.

Ellie’s mom died—no, was killed—on her birthday five years ago.

And she almost died too. It’s the thought that’s been occupying my mind since last night.

I’ve never felt like this before. So deeply sad for someone else and so helpless to make a difference.

It feels like my heart is no longer fully in my control—like some part of it is tied to hers.

And her heart has been truly, tragically broken.

I watch my stick as I glide a puck between some others I laid out on the ice earlier, the taped blade gripping it just so. I wish I could wrap Ellie’s heart in so much of this stupid tape that nothing could crack it ever again.

Ellie’s strong, I know that. She’s been through hell and she’s still…here. Living and helping other people. Being amazing and wonderful and so quickly my favorite person to be around now.

But I also remember that first day at The Bar and how fragile and broken she looked. Young. Lost too, maybe. I’m so terrified of anything or anyone hurting her.

And deep down I’m worried it’s going to be me—and my job. Either my inability to prioritize her or the attention that comes with it. I have to assume that’s why she asked all those questions in the beginning. It might even end up being a deal-breaker.

I suck in a breath at the thought.

The first thing I feel like I have some control over. Kind of. But the other? Not really.

I cringe as my mind runs through the possibilities.

I know it’s inevitable, no matter how hard I try to keep things private.

Eventually it will get out. Someone on the team will say something or some picture will get taken.

But I don’t know if Ellie knows that and I don’t know why she’s so hell-bent on it not happening.

I’m trying not to take it personally or read into what it means about our future, but I’m already having trouble envisioning a future without her.

I need to talk to her about it—I should have already.

I’m just so nervous of what she might say.

What if she doesn’t want to hang out anymore?

Fuck. I hate that phrase. Hang out. It sounds so casual, so impermanent.

I want this to be on her terms though. I don’t want to push her or rush something she’s not ready for.

I can be patient and keep things private. I just don’t know if the outside world will do the same.

I brace my stick across my thighs as I make my way to the rink exit.

I need to take a break before the guys show up or this is going to be an embarrassing practice.

I squirt some water in my mouth and drop to the bench.

Hanging my head as the thoughts still spiral, I almost feel like getting right back up and skating some more.

What if Ellie’s still only interested in us if it’s a secret? Could I convince her it will be okay if our relationship becomes public? I wish I knew why she was so against it. I just can’t—won’t—be responsible for making Ellie unhappy or scared. I’d rather rip the damn heart out of my chest.

She deserves so much better than someone who doesn’t put her first after the shit she’s been through. She deserves to be the priority. She deserves everything.

I just hope I can be that for her.

Yep. I’m fucking gassed as shit.

My legs are nearly shaking as I sit heavily in the locker room to take my gear off.

I’m untying my skates when I feel Niko sit beside me.

I can sense him studying me, but with the whole team in here I’m not really in the mood to do any explaining.

I know he knows something is up. I didn’t exactly embarrass myself at practice, but I certainly didn’t perform at my usual level.

And right now I just want to go crash in Ellie’s bed.

Maybe I can even try bringing up the future. Maybe.

“Let’s go get lunch.” Niko’s voice halts me as I reach for my bag.

“Aren’t your parents still here?” I ask him, grabbing my phone to check for any notifications.

“Yeah, but they’re shopping today. They’re checking out the Mall of America even though I recommended other places.”

“Good luck to them,” I say on a laugh. “I was planning to just head home now. How about tomorrow before the game instead?”

“I wasn’t asking.” Niko shoulder-bumps me as he walks out of the locker room, calling “Let’s go” from the door.

Dammit. I check the time on my phone—a little after ten-thirty.

Ellie probably won’t be up for another hour or so since she’s off today.

Maybe I can swing by later if she’s not busy.

We have back-to-back games this weekend, so it might be tricky to see her before her shift starts and then we head out of town next week.

I guess I have been slacking on my friendship duties lately. I sigh and grab my shit to follow Niko out the door, catching up to him in the hallway.

“You want to go to Geno’s?” I ask as I fish my keys from my bag.

“Nah, let’s go to your place. I’ll pick up food on the way.”

I narrow my eyes a bit at that, wondering why we wouldn’t just go to our usual. What exactly is he planning?

I leave Niko at his car and head to mine, feeling apprehensive about what kind of inquisition I’m going to get when we meet up at my place. I spend most of my drive thinking through what I’m willing to share and what still feels…off-limits. Other than Nate, I haven’t talked about Ellie with anyone.

The idea of sharing with Niko certainly carries some relief.

And if I’m being really honest, not hiding her in general would be a big weight lifted.

But there’s something about her being just mine right now.

I don’t want to keep her a secret. I just love having her all to myself and our time together feels almost sacred.

Special. Like I get the privilege of getting to know this amazing person without anyone else interfering.

And while I trust Niko, I know the more people I share with, the more likely it is our relationship won’t be so secret anymore.

I park my car in my garage and head inside to wait for Niko.

I wonder what Ellie would think of my house?

I’ve made sure she knows we can always come here, but I think she believes it’s riskier going to my house.

Even though we’d just park in the garage and it’s not like anyone would see us.

Hopefully I can convince her to come soon.

I look around at my kitchen and living room, trying to imagine how she might see it.

She’ll probably think it looks empty. Maybe plain.

Ellie’s apartment is full of knickknacks and color and her.

There’s tons of pictures and random framed things, like a fortune cookie message and a Red Sox ticket.

It’s messy and adorable and special. Other than a few plants and hung-up memorabilia, my place is pretty plain and bare of detail like hers.

I don’t even have enough stuff to make it messy if I wanted to.

Ellie has lived in her place for less than six months and it has way more personality than my home of twelve years.

I wonder what she’d change about this place?

I think she’d like the old wood floors and floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the lake.

She’d definitely like the brick fireplace and all the trinkets she could put on the empty mantel there.

She seems like the type who would put up a huge Christmas tree and decorate it within an inch of its life.

I imagine her balancing on a step stool to place corny ornaments on it and feel an involuntary smile pull at my lips.

I bet it would be all colorful and chaotic instead of the stylish catalogue-inspired trees my previous girlfriends were always aiming for.

My eyes catch on the white rug under the leather couch and the white walls behind it.

She’d hate those. She’ll probably want to paint or do some kind of wallpaper that’s super elaborate.

I’d probably pretend to be unsure, but obviously she could do anything she wanted here and I’m sure I’d love it just because it was her choice.

Those few days off in between her shifts would help with having time to decorate and make it… hers.

My chest feels tight at the thought, so I try to bring myself back to reality. We’ve only been together for a little while. And it’s all been in secret. She might not be interested beyond that. And she works downtown, so a commute from here would be brutal.

Now that I think about it, I’m not sure Ellie has a car. Or even drives? She mentioned walking to work before.

And then it hits me.

Ellie was in a car accident. A deadly one. Is that why she walks in the freezing cold to work? I know it’s close to her apartment, but it gets really cold here…

I’m jolted from my spiral when I hear a knock at my front door. I force myself to save those questions for later and go to let Niko in.