Chapter 37
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
ELLIE
“How is she? Is she asleep? Did she eat?”
“She’s been like that almost the whole time, man. I wasn’t sure if she was asleep, so I didn’t want to wake her up when the food got here.”
“Did she let you in when you knocked?”
“Nah, but it was unlocked so I let myself in after there was no response.”
A sigh. “I guess that ended up being a good thing. What did you do with her phone?”
“Here.” A pause. “I just made her socials private and put it on DND for now.”
“Thanks.” Some shuffling and a patting noise. “I owe you.”
“You know you don’t. I hope she’s okay. She seems kind of…numb? I don’t know. You staying here tonight?”
It’s a few moments before, “I’m not sure. Hopefully.”
“Even if it’s the couch, I think it would be a good idea. I’ll check in with you tomorrow.”
The hushed voices stop and then the door opens and closes quietly. Soft footsteps make their way closer before the couch dips next to me. A few moments of nothing and then a light touch to my head. A kiss?
The TV turns off and then the warmth next to me disappears.
I hear those same soft footsteps moving around my apartment and the flicks of light switches being flipped.
The door locks. More footsteps, closer now.
An arm slides under my legs and another behind my back before I’m lifted and nestled against a solid chest.
Matt carries me through my small apartment and gently settles me on my bed. I blink my eyes open. He’s pulling his shirt off, pausing when it’s hanging off his arms in front of him.
“Hey,” he breathes. “Can I stay here?”
I scoot backward to make room for him in front of me. He drops his shirt and slides in, adjusting the comforter over both of us. One of his hands cups my face. I take a deep breath, leaning into that warm, familiar touch.
“I’m sorry this happened.” His voice is low. Pained.
My shoulders lift. “I knew it would eventually, I guess.” I swallow and debate if I want the answer to the question that’s recently been swirling in my mind. Curiosity gets the best of me. “How’d it come out?”
Matt winces. “I should’ve been more careful, Ellie.” He sighs heavily and swipes a thumb along my cheek. “Someone got a picture of us at The Bar when I picked you up a couple weeks ago. It was some trashy tabloid that ran it first.”
Makes sense. I guess sad, drunk me let my guard down. I’m pretty sure I face-planted on his chest when he walked over to me. Not exactly subtle.
“Ellie, I’m so sor—”
“You don’t need to be sorry, Matt. You didn’t do anything wrong. I should’ve thought it through. I knew the risks when we started seeing each other.” You didn’t. I want to add it, but I’m still so worried he might be thinking I’m a hypocrite.
Matt shakes his head. “This is my fault.” His face contorts into some expression caught between sadness and panic.
“The Bar, the pictures, the article… None of this would’ve happened if it wasn’t for me and my job.
I knew it was important to you that things stayed secret and I should’ve been more careful.
I should’ve taken more precautions.” His hand falls from my face and he scrubs both of his over his own, turning from his side to his back.
“Ellie, I play hockey with those bastards. Multiple times a year. I’ve played all-star tournaments with him, for fuck’s sake.
And now you have to deal with all of this, because of me.
” His breathing has changed, coming out in pants.
“Matt,” I say, trying to break him out of whatever this is.
“I remember the accident now and how it was so tragic, but we all knew nothing was going to happen. I didn’t do anything, Ellie, I—”
“Matt!”
“I was just complacent and you were, oh god, you were probably still in the hospital,” he rasps. “You don’t deserve this. Me.”
I climb onto him and pull his hands away from his face, holding them near my legs. His panic is so out of character I almost don’t recognize him.
“Baby, stop,” I say softly. “Please.”
His chest rises and falls rapidly under me. “I need you to know that I’m not friends with those guys and I don’t agree with how—”
“I know,” I cut him off, louder than before.
Despite my earlier musings, I think I knew deep down Matt wouldn’t associate with people like them even if he had to play with them.
And I know he doesn’t drink and drive. “I know you, Matt. I definitely lumped all hockey players into a shit bucket after the accident, but that wasn’t fair and you proved me wrong anyway. ”
I let go of his hands and place my palms against his chest. It’s still moving faster than normal, but it’s slowing and he’s finally looking at me, so I keep going.
“I…I’m scared, okay? They wrote so many stories last time.
There were so many requests for interviews,” I whisper, my face scrunching up at the thought.
“Of course I don’t want to deal with that again.
Don’t want to think about it. About them.
” I blow out a breath. “But I don’t place any blame on you, okay?
You didn’t know me then and you didn’t know about the situation until now.
I should’ve told you about this before. I’m sorry I didn’t. ”
A breath rattles out of him as he brings his hands on top of mine.
“Fuck, please don’t apologize to me. For that or anything.
I’m screwing this all up.” He groans and closes his eyes, taking a few quick breaths.
“I was supposed to be comforting you, not the other way around.” He blinks those evergreen eyes open, keeping them steady on me.
“I’m sorry for freaking out. I’m just so…
terrified of losing you.” He swallows. “Of being the cause of your pain. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to be with me. ”
I look down at our hands. Would not being in this situation be easier? Yes. But the idea of leaving Matt is so painful it makes my breath catch at the thought. Which is a terrifying reminder of something I’m still too chickenshit to deal with.
Matt’s voice brings my gaze back to his.
“I understand this is…complicated. My life makes it complicated.” He sounds so utterly dejected that I have the urge to hug him.
He squeezes his hands over mine and I catch his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat.
“No matter what you decide, I’ll help with the fallout from this, I promise. ”
Thinking about the fallout makes me want to barf, but I focus on what’s important right now. “You’re my…my boyfriend, right? My partner?”
Matt gives an eager, jerky nod.
“Good. That’s good,” I say on a relieved exhale.
“Because I could really use a partner to get through this, okay? I had my dad last time, but we were both still in such deep grief it was just really overwhelming. He wasn’t really a support then, you know?
Not that I blame him. But it was a lonely experience, on top of everything else. ”
Matt brings his hands up and cups my face. “I’m always going to be here for you, Ellie. Always. No matter what.”
I lean down and press a kiss to his lips, eager to soak up the comfort I get from being close to him. “Thank you,” I whisper, kissing him again and then pulling back to sit up like I was before.
“I, um, actually talked to one of the Bears’ PR people after the game.”
My eyebrows shoot up. “Oh?”
“Her name’s Sloane. She’s up in management now, but she’s been doing PR for the team for a while, maybe six or seven years.
I just… This feels so out of my control and I’ve never used a publicist before.
So I explained the situation and she asked if she could help.
Like, professionally. Kind of like a publicist for you, so she can take care of a lot of this.
” Matt’s eyes are bouncing around my face in that way that lets me know he’s paying attention to my reaction. “If you’re up for it, of course.”
“Oh.” I didn’t think something like that existed for me. Or rather, was affordable for me. I guess it isn’t, probably, but Matt’s job is making it possible. “What would she do exactly?”
“Everything. Anything. She said she’d want to get you a new phone number to start.
She’d like access to your socials to scrub anything that got in before Nate made them private.
And she’ll handle all those interview requests.
She has some suggestions for other things too, like what to tell friends and family and whatnot, but I told her I’d need to talk to you first. If you want to work with her, we can meet as soon as tomorrow morning. ”
I bite my lip and mull it over. I’m pretty sure tomorrow is Easter. This all sounds like more than just a favor. And expensive. “That seems like a lot of work. I’d want to pay her for her time, but I don’t know if I could afford—”
“I already told her I’d cover any hourly rate for her help, but she wasn’t interested.”
Oh. Okay. There’s really no reason not to do it then, right? A thought does occur to me—is this going to be my life with Matt? Someone else in charge of so many things?
But then another thought—does it matter? It’s things I don’t want to deal with anyway, so it shouldn’t. And a publicist is something I probably would have used before if I had the means to.
I remember last night Matt mentioned how the weight of the world felt like less now, being with me.
I can’t help but feel the same. Was it worth it?
I can’t believe I asked that question earlier.
Can’t believe I had an inkling of doubt about the decision to be with Matt.
I feel guilty I was even capable of that thought.
I’m going to blame the bitch I call grief for that momentary lapse in judgment and shelve this under things to never mention or think again.
I rearrange myself so I’m lying on top of Matt, my body pressed to his. He asked me last night if I was his, but does he know he’s mine too? I think of his earlier panic and realize maybe not.
“Okay. Let’s call her tomorrow,” I murmur, too exhausted to think about dealing more with this right now.
I snuggle in close, kissing the side of his neck and thinking of ways to prove to him just how much he means to me.