Chapter 46
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
ELLIE
“Well, this sucks, huh?”
I choke on my own laugh, squeezing my dad’s hand.
He’s smiling, but I can see the sadness that just never quite leaves his eyes.
It might even be a little deeper than usual right now.
He asked me a few questions about what happened, the surgery, and how I was feeling, but he’s mostly just been here.
That quiet support that’s so familiar and sturdy.
I can tell it was a long night for him. Probably worrying about me and processing the news in his own way.
“It does suck,” I agree. “Would’ve preferred your first visit to be under vastly different circumstances. Or I guess second.”
My dad helped me move here last year by driving my car and most of my stuff over, allowing me to fly instead. He knew how hard that long of a drive would have been for me. At least he got to fly this time. Thanks to Matt.
Matt left the hospital for the first time about an hour ago after Dev promised she’d check on me every twenty minutes.
It had been about fifteen hours since I was admitted.
He proclaimed he had an errand to run and would be returning with lunch and his parents in a bit.
I’m not sure if the errand is real or if it was a ruse to give me and my dad some alone time at the hospital since he got in this morning.
I can tell Matt’s anxious about leaving me alone.
He made Nate bring him clothes this morning instead of driving the five minutes to my apartment himself.
I cringed a little thinking about Nate seeing my disaster of a room, but I guess it’s handy Matt had some spare clothes there instead of sending Nate all the way to his house.
I told Matt he’s being ridiculous and I’ll be fine for an hour alone, but I secretly kind of love it. Being alone is overrated.
I wonder if my dad feels that way. The thought is like a kick to the stomach. When Mom died, he was lonely. But then I left him and now he’s alone.
My dad and I don’t have hard, emotional conversations.
He’s a superb father—endlessly patient and understanding, kind and supportive, just the right amount of silly.
But even our deepest conversations have a surface-level feel to them.
Like maybe neither one of us knows how to break beneath that layer to the nitty gritty.
We had Mom for those harder conversations.
But not anymore. At least I have Zoey and Dev.
And Matt. I wonder who my dad can talk to, if anyone.
It’s the thought that urges me to speak.
“I’m sorry I left Boston,” I start, my voice surprisingly level.
My dad turns his head from the window to me. His brow is furrowed and he looks…surprised. “Why would you be sorry about that, sweetie?”
I swallow. “I…I left you.”
He blows out a breath. “Ellie, no.” His head shakes back and forth. “All I want is for you to be happy. Your job is making sure that happens, not worrying about keeping your dad company.”
“But you’re alone now,” I murmur. “It was selfish of me to apply in the first place.”
“Is that what you’ve been thinking? That you were being selfish?”
I nod and study my hands in my lap.
My dad sighs and is quiet for a bit. When he talks, his voice is low. “You know, I read this book a couple years ago. About grieving. I went in with a bad attitude—the whole ‘this is going to be a load of shit’ type attitude. But it taught me something important.”
I pick my head up and focus on him.
“Everybody grieves differently, right? I knew that in theory, but I didn’t really think about what it meant. Specifically for you and me. But then some things started to make sense.”
He clears his throat.
“I’d want to look through pictures of your mom and you’d politely tell me you had something else you had to do. Or you’d want to try a new restaurant and I’d decline in favor of takeout from a regular spot. And when I was reading, I realized why all of that was happening.”
He pauses and smiles.
“Seeing and thinking about your mom is comforting for me. I like reliving memories and remembering my favorite things about her. But for you, forcing those kinds of things was painful. I didn’t understand that until I was reading the stupid book.”
My dad sighs again and he sounds so, so tired.
“Maybe my way drags out grieving even longer. But the book helped me realize that there isn’t a right way to grieve, and the best thing I could do for you was to let you grieve how you needed to.
” He grabs one of my hands and squeezes it.
“Being in Boston was hard for you. Being around me was hard for you. I know that, sweetie. I was so happy for you when you told me about this job. I knew it would be so good for you.” He uses his other hand to pat the one he’s holding.
“I think grieving can make us feel selfish as we try to navigate a very changed life. But choosing to be happy is not selfish, okay? Your happiness brings me peace, Ellie, and that’s all I can ask for in this life. ”
“I want you to be happy too though,” I get out with a sniff.
“I’m as happy as I can be, Els. I promise.”
“What about the movies?”
His brow draws down again. “The movies?”
“You said you don’t go anymore. But you used to go all the time and I thought you liked doing things that remind you of Mom.”
My dad chuckles at that. “You’re right. But I don’t exactly like getting choked up at a public showing of Star Wars because the seat next to me is empty.
” I must not look convinced because he sighs and continues.
“Tell you what. I’ll take your uncle Terry to see one sometime soon, all right?
See how it feels to go again. Even if he talks during the whole damn thing. ”
“Fine,” I huff. And then softer, “Thank you.”
“Now, do you want to tell me more about this boyfriend of yours?” he asks. “He sure seems pretty taken with you.”
Taken with you. The phrasing almost makes me smile. I debate how to ask my dad the question that’s been weighing on me a lot lately. “Matt’s…amazing. I don’t know how I got so lucky.” I swallow and look at my hands, hesitating. “Do you ever wish you’d never met Mom?” My dad scoffs and I look up.
He’s reared back a bit, looking borderline affronted. “Why would you ask me that?”
“Because…because she died, Dad. You loved her and now your life is…is—”
“Ellie,” he interrupts. His face is patient.
Understanding. “I would do it all over again. Even knowing how her story ends. Your mom was the best thing that ever happened to me until you came along. And I promise you, there hasn’t been a single moment since your mom died that I wished I hadn’t met her.
I loved our life—the crazy adventures, the mundane days at home.
It was all so special to me because of how much I loved being with her.
And then you joined us and everything just got better. ”
He chucks my chin and shakes his head.
“I know I’m different with her gone and I’m sorry about that, sweetie. But I would still tell people I’ve had the richest life in the whole world because I got to love and be loved by you and your mom.”
Well, shit. I wipe at my face and ignore the pain in my body as I lean forward, wrapping my dad in a hug. “I love you too.”
He squeezes me tightly and I hear a gruff sniff. “It’s worth it, Ellie, I promise.”