5. Morgan
FIVE
Morgan
“Cole!” I run to the rail, shedding my life jacket on the way, and dive straight into the maw of the Bering Sea.
Icy razor blades pierce my skin. The cold snatches my breath and stalls my lungs.
That’s normal though. I’ve done enough man overboard drills to know.
I push through the panic, and scan the depths.
It’s impossibly dark, but the water-activated strobe light attached to Cole’s fishing bib makes him easy to find.
Down and down I swim. Silence swells the farther I descend. My muscles burn in protest. My brain screams at me to inhale.
I go where you go. That’s the rule. I’ll die saving him if I have to.
Finally, I catch up to him. The strobe light flares, illuminating his face.
Not a single bubble escapes his mouth. I’m too late.
Hope fades. My heart breaks. I already thought he died on the deck.
I can’t lose him again. I hook my arm around his chest and kick toward the surface where a beam of light sweeps back and forth, looking for us.
My lungs burn. My legs slow, but death will have to take me first. I’m not stopping.
Someone jumps into the water feet first with an explosion of bubbles. The man is unrecognizable in his survival suit as he takes my hand and pulls me toward him. I breach the roiling surface, and suck in a breath.
My rescuer has blue eyes, a mirror to Cole’s. It breaks my heart.
Seb takes Cole from my arms and wraps the horseshoe sling around his middle. My fear ebbs away as the crane lifts Cole heavenward. Waves crash over me. My thoughts turn sluggish.
“Morgan!” Seb calls, hooking a second sling under my arms.
A wave tosses us away from the boat, but the rope connected to the sling holds, and slowly reels us forward.
“This is taking too long,” Seb says. “I’ll catch the next ride.”
“Huh?” My thoughts lag.
“Captains go last. If anything happens, promise me you’ll take care of him.”
“Finn?” I can’t feel my fingers anymore.
“Well, yeah. Obviously. But I was talking about Cole. Take care of my brother.”
Before I can respond, he shoves me forward, and lets go, launching me toward the boat. I finally understand. Hypothermia sneaks up on you.
Seb is saving me.
I keep my eye on Seb’s bright orange suit and strobe light, but the current drags me up and over a massive wave, and I lose sight of him.
The sling lifts me out of the water. Wind saps what remains of my body heat.
I scan the whitecaps for Seb fruitlessly until I clear the rail and lower to the deck.
Lawrence helps me out of the sling. For the first time since I met him, he has nothing to say.
“Where’s Cole?” I take a step, but my legs feel weak.
“He’s inside with Javi,” Lawrence says, stabilizing me before I fall and looping my arm around the back of his neck.
“Is he…” I don’t complete the sentence, too afraid of the answer.
“Come on. I’ll take you to him.”
I attempt another step forward, and this time, with Lawrence’s support, we venture across the rolling deck.
“Seb’s still out there,” I say.
“I know. Alejo’s on it.”
Lawrence hauls the bulkhead door open, and I stumble forward into the warm gear room.
Cole is on the floor, wrapped in blankets from head to foot with only his face exposed. An oxygen mask covers his mouth, and the slow beeping from the AED promises he isn’t dead, but his heart beats so slowly death must be imminent.
Bile rises in my throat. My knees give out. Javi catches me and pushes me down on the trunk we use as a bench.
“Need any help, Javi?” Lawrence asks, face drawn, eyes on Cole.
“Nah. I’ve got this. Get back out there.”
Lawrence nods, casting Cole one last look, and dips out into the storm, latching the door behind him. Javi shoves a thermometer in my mouth, but I’m shaking so hard, I can’t hold it between my teeth, and it falls out.
“S-s-sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ll check later. I’m going to help you undress so you can warm up beside Cole.” Javi bows his head, shiny black hair falling over his face, as he slices through my clothes with medical shears.
“Is he going to die?”
He lifts his gaze to me, face devoid of emotion, brown eyes distant. “I think so.”
At least he answered honestly.
“The Coast Guard is bringing a flight surgeon, but I think he broke his pelvis and has internal bleeding.”
He doesn’t need to explain. Internal bleeding kills people out here. We witnessed it firsthand when Cole’s uncle fell from the top of the crane while repairing it. There was nothing we could do.
“I should have reached Cole sooner, or held onto him tighter, or made him stay inside, or stay home, or… or… I don’t know.”
“Morgan, you saved his life.” His throat flexes as he swallows. “Take a deep breath before you have a panic attack.”
I do as he says and take a second one for good measure. “Is he in pain?”
“I don’t think so.”
Good.
We both fall silent as Javi dries me roughly with a towel, then wraps a blanket around me.
“Okay. Move slowly.” He ushers me to Cole’s side.
Cole is too still. All the color fled his face. His eyes are closed, but only partially. Before he couldn’t keep them open and now he can’t close them completely.
The realization that this is the last time I’ll spend with him before he dies knocks the wind out of me more violently than when I dove into the ocean.
“I can’t. I can’t say goodbye. I can’t lose him.”
“You won’t be alone. I’ll help you.”
Javi guides me to the floor, and I roll onto my side, facing my husband. Wordlessly, Javi takes my left hand and links my fingers with Cole’s so the tattooed wedding bands on our hands are nestled side by side as he drifts off into death.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
He nods, mask of stoicism slipping, and covers me with another blanket.
“I’m scared.” I’m not sure if I’m telling him or Cole. Maybe both of them. I’m so fucking scared—to lose my husband, my best friend, the only man I’ve ever loved. I’m scared I won’t be strong enough to live without him.
I clear my throat and squeeze Cole’s hand.
“Sunshine. I’m here. I’m holding your hand, and I won’t let go, so please don’t let go.
” A sob interrupts me. I take a deep breath.
“Seb’s not here yet. You can’t leave before he tells you goodbye.
I need Seb here if you die. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose either of you.”
I sidle closer until my forehead touches his cheek. Each shallow, sacred breath he whispers soothes me. I want to slow down time and stay here with him, live out the rest of our lives in the widening space between his heartbeats, and hide inside a fantasy where he’s safe and warm and smiling.
I nuzzle my face against his neck and close my eyes. I wish he smelled like him instead of the ocean. My hand relaxes in his.
Javi kicks my foot. “No sleeping.”
“Sorry.” I prop myself up on one arm. “Can I kiss him?”
“I think he’d kick your ass if you didn’t.”
“He definitely would.”
Javi takes off the oxygen mask. I bow my head and slowly press my lips to Cole’s. He’s so cold and lifeless, my Sleeping Beauty, except my kiss does nothing to revive him.
“Kiss me back,” I say against his lips. “Sunshine, please. Kiss me back,” I try again. “You can’t die. I have to kiss your smile again.”
The sandpaper scratch of his stubble against my cheek unlocks a tidal wave of tactile memories, starting with his cheek pressed against mine when we danced at our wedding. We got married on the Briar Anteros, cleared the deck and used it for a dance floor. It’s one of my favorite memories.
After the sun set, we slow danced under the stars. Cole was exhausted, but he didn’t want to stop. He rested his head on my shoulder so tenderly, my heart ached with gratitude and disbelief that this treasure of a man was mine.
I pull back and gently wipe my tears from Cole’s face. “Put the mask back on.”
Javi does, tears falling silently. I kiss Cole’s forehead and lie beside him again. Javi takes my temperature, then adds another blanket, wrapping it over my head like a hood. “I need to talk to Wes. I’ll be right back. Keep talking to him.” He squeezes past us.
I stroke Cole’s sandy hair as Javi’s footsteps fade.
“I lied to you on our wedding day when I promised until death do us part. I’ll never stop being your husband.
So if you’re tired, or in pain; if you have to go, know that you won’t be alone.
You’ll take a part of my soul with you. Please don’t suffer to stay for me. I’ll find you again someday.”
If he’s listening, he shows no sign of it. Maybe he’s already gone, but I’ll do what I can to comfort him.
“Do you know when I fell in love with you? I bet if you could talk, you would say that it was love at first sight because you’re adorable like that. But you would be wrong. I fell in love with you in the frozen food aisle a few months after my uncle kicked me out.
“Seb dropped a carton of strawberry ice cream in the cart. You rolled your eyes and put it back, and said, ‘Morgan doesn’t like strawberries.’ Seb turned to me.
‘Why do you eat them then?’ I didn’t want to say that I was grateful to be fed at all because sometimes my parents forgot to feed me, let alone buy my favorite groceries.
“You paid attention to me. You learned my preferences. I don’t know if you kept a little log or something, but maybe you can open your eyes and tell me?
” I pause, but he doesn’t respond. “Seb gave me a home and a family, but that day at the grocery store was the first time I felt taken care of, even though you were younger and acted unserious all the time.
“When you said, ‘Morgan likes peaches,’ with a cheeky little wink behind Seb’s back, I fell in love with you because I really did like peaches, but somehow you knew that I liked boys. You said, ‘I like peaches too,’ and dropped a carton of ice cream in the cart.