7. Morgan
SEVEN
Morgan
Balloons bob against the ceiling like buoys.
The cheerful slice of confetti cake in front of Finn rests untouched on his plate.
He refused to leave the dining table, and claimed he was still eating each time we tried to coax him away.
Finn didn’t smile when we sang happy birthday, but he blew out his candles as was expected of him.
Lawrence asked him what he wished for, like the tactless dumbass he is, and of course Finn wished for Uncle Cole.
Finn opened his presents one by one with the enthusiasm of an employee at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
He politely thanked each of the five friends he invited, and while he didn’t play with any of his new toys, he smiled a few times as he watched them crash his remote control monster truck into the wrapping paper.
The last of his friends left a half hour ago.
Thank god for Shay and Mrs. Hai’s foresight to ask the parents of his classmates to drop off and pick up their kids outside so Finn wouldn’t be reminded of what he lost. Each time a new guest arrived, Finn’s eyes snapped to the door.
It breaks my heart and pisses me off all at once.
“Maybe we should have skipped the party,” I tell the guys.
The downstairs of Seb’s house is open concept, except for the hall to the bathroom and guest room where I sleep.
Music provides a decent cover for our conversation, but I lower my voice.
“The grief counselor said we should follow Finn’s lead, but now I’m worried he only said yes because he thought Cole would come. ”
There’s no handbook on how to co-parent your nephew with someone you barely know because your husband dumped you. I don’t want to do this without Cole.
“That’s on Cole, not you,” Javi says across the coffee table.
Wes wraps his dinner plate-sized hand around my shoulder and gives me a little shake before releasing me.
“You’re doing a damn good job. You consulted a professional, and you gave Finn the power to choose.
Five isn’t too young to know what you want.
Cole’s not here, but you surrounded Finn with love. ”
“Thanks for saying that.”
Beside Wes, Alejo peels the label off his bottle, perky mustache drooping with his frown. Losing Seb must be especially hard on him. Seb took care of him, just like he took care of me, but we failed to save him.
Wes turns to Alejo. “You okay, kid?”
Alejo nods, cheeks flushing against his fair complexion.
Wes doesn’t have any kids, but he’s always felt like a father figure on the boat. Maybe it’s the beard and burly physique, or maybe it’s the life experience he’s packed into forty-odd years. I don’t know. But he’s taken on an even more paternal role after Seb died, and I’m grateful.
Lawrence rifles through the mangled monster truck pinata on the coffee table and pulls out a lollipop. He’s still wearing the unicorn horn party hat he put on over his shoulder-length hair to make Finn laugh. “How was your first birthday after your parents died?”
I wince at the memory. My uncle had to work, and I didn’t know anyone in Washington yet. “It sucked.”
“Exactly.” Lawrence lost his dad to suicide, so he gets it.
“My dad’s friends sneaked me into Midaft and bought me a beer.
My dumb ass felt cool as hell, but I spent the night staring down at the tabletop while they got drunk.
I still remember that table, waxy lacquered wood with a knife gouge or two.
Today was going to suck no matter what you did, but he’ll look back on this someday and remember you showed him he was loved. ”
“Thanks, man. That actually helps.”
“Don’t act so surprised.”
“The unicorn horn doesn’t exactly scream credibility.”
Javi laughs mid-swig and sputters. Lawrence smacks the center of his back roughly, then takes off his hat and slingshots it at my chest, drawing a small laugh from Finn.
“Ha! I finally made you laugh,” Lawrence shouts, pointing at Finn, who rewards him with another laugh.
“Seb and Cole bought me a chocolate cake on my birthday after I moved in,” I say. “I was sad as hell, but it’s a comforting memory now.” Tears sting my eyes. I pinch the bridge of my nose and blink them back. I lower my voice, and add, “I wish they were here.”
Javi holds the box of tissues out to me, and I take one. He takes one too and chucks the box at Lawrence. “Way to go, asshole. Thanks for making us all cry.”
“Me?” Lawrence says, chucking it back. “That was all Morgan.”
Javi shakes his head and passes the box to Alejo. He takes three and hands the box back.
“Next year will be better,” Javi says, eyes on Gabi, laughing with Shay while they wash dishes.
“Maybe.” Lawrence pops the lollipop into his mouth. “Or maybe he’ll grow up to hate his birthday like me.”
“Not helpful,” Javi says.
“Have any of you heard from Cole?” I ask.
They answer with a round of shaking heads.
Javi’s mom pushes through the back door, and lugs a rolling ice chest into the kitchen.
She opens the chest and plops a tower of store-bought corn tortillas on the counter, then unloads two casserole dishes, four large food containers, and a dozen foil-wrapped tamales into our fridge before I can ask what she’s doing or offer to help.
It’s not the first time she’s done this.
She kept us fed for the first few months after Seb died, and still stops by every few weeks to sneak attack us with food, as Finn likes to say.
I’ve learned by now that resistance is futile and devour her meals without guilt.
She closes the fridge, and snaps the ice chest shut, then exhales through pursed lips, blowing her curls from her brow. “Feliz cumpleanos, mi cielito,” she tells Finn, and hugs him.
“I think we should go kick Cole’s ass,” Lawrence says.
Javi fist-bumps Lawrence. “I’m in.”
“Please don’t,” I say. “He’s trying his best.”
“Fuck that,” Lawrence says. “He’s being a little bi—Perdón, senora.”
Mrs. Rodriguez shakes her head ruefully at Lawrence. “Mijo, I’m ready to go.”
“Thank you so much for coming, Mrs. Rodriguez, and thanks for the food too.” I move to stand, but she sweeps me away with her hands.
“Rest. Enjoy your friends.”
Gabi perches on the armrest beside Javi. “You guys look like you’re plotting something.”
“Us? Never,” Lawrence says.
Gabi rakes her nails through Javi’s dark hair. “Are you ready, or should I go home with Suegrita?”
Javi pulls her hand from his hair and presses it against his cheek. “I think I need to stay.”
“Then you should.” She strokes his cheek with her thumb and hops down from the armrest. “Bye, boys.” She taps her manicured index finger against her lips. “Wait. I think I’m forgetting someone, someone very important.”
Finn looks up from his plate, dimples flickering with his smile.
Gabi kneels beside Finn’s chair. “Happy birthday, mi amor. Can I have a hug from the birthday boy?”
“Sí, Tia G.” Finn swivels on his chair and stands.
“Ay, perfecto. You’ve been practicing.” Finn dwarfs her petite frame, but she scoops him up anyway, and rocks him side to side, long black hair swishing like a silk curtain. “Love you, baby.” She returns him to his chair.
“Love you too.”
Mrs. Rodriguez swats the back of Javi’s head with her purse. “Mira, hijo. You need to marry that girl.”
Javi covers his head. “Tranquila, mamá.” He crosses to Gabi and rests his hand on her lower back, then ruffles Finn’s hair. “I’m going to walk tia and mamá to the car. Be right back.”
Finn nods and resumes his silent vigil in front of his birthday cake, smile fading.
“You speak Spanish?” Alejo asks.
Lawrence laughs. “No. I just have a lot of practice saying I’m sorry and thank you to mamá Pilar.” He picks up the remote. “Let’s find something really annoying on YouTube to cheer him up. Any ideas?”
“Nah. He hates that stuff,” I say, eyes still on Finn. “Look up How It’s Made.”
I pull out my phone and text Cole.
Morgan
Cole, please come. Finn needs you here.
I erase it. I’ve sent that text a dozen times before. What difference will it make?
Morgan
Finn’s having a terrible day and I don’t know what to do.
I erase that too.
Morgan
Please. I need you.
Erase. Erase. Erase.
Morgan
Hey.
I pocket my phone without sending it.
“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” Lawrence pulls his phone out. “You’re being a little bi—”
Lawrence’s antics fade into the background as I focus on Finn, looking more miserable than ever.
Shay rubs his back. “Why don’t you go help Uncle Lawrence pick something to watch?”
He shakes his head.
“Are you sure? I can save your cake for you.”
“I’m still eating it!” Finn shouts, shoving his paper plate across the table. It slides off the other end, landing cake-side down on the floor.
His eyes widen. He doesn’t have outbursts. He doesn’t get in as much trouble as he should, given everything he’s been through. He probably feels like he committed a crime.
I rise to my feet slowly. “Finn, it’s okay. You’re not in trouble.”
Finn shakes his head again, then runs up the stairs. Shay piles her dark honey hair into a top bun, and bends to pick up the plate.
“I’ll talk to him. Go relax.” I snap my fingers at Alejo and Lawrence. “You guys, help clean up.”
“Roger,” Alejo says.
Finn didn’t go far. He’s hugging his knees at the top of the stairs with a perfect view of the front door. I sit down beside him.
His bottom lip trembles. “I don’t want cake. I want Daddy. I want Uncle.”
My heart fractures. “I know, bud. Me too.”
The front door opens, but it’s just Javi returning. Finn bursts into tears. Fuck Cole for doing this to him.
I pick him up and hug him tightly. That’s what I always needed when I was a kid. He wraps his arms around my neck and buries his face in my shoulder. I shush him as my own tears silently fall.
“When I was little, sometimes I got very mad, but I was actually sad,” I say, carrying him to his room.
He wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “When your mommy and daddy died?”
“Yeah. Does that ever happen to you?”
He nods.
“I thought so. I have a trick for that.”
“You do?”
“Yep.” I lower him to his feet and toss him a sea otter pillow from his bed, then take an octopus pillow for myself. Shay and I offered to redecorate his nautical-themed room, but he wanted to keep it. “Right now, I’m pretty sad. Do you want to try it with me?”
He sniffs. “Okay.”
I sit on the floor and rest my back against the bed. “Alright. The trick is to be as loud as possible.”
“I don’t get it.” His brow furrows just like Seb’s. Cole’s too.
“It works like magic. I’ll show you.” I lift the pillow, and yell into it. Only a little. I don’t want to scare him with all the sadness I feel.
Finn laughs heartily.
“See, it’s already working.” I nod toward his pillow. “Do it with me this time? Let’s see how loud we can be.”
He nods, and sits down beside me, face determined.
“One… Two… Three…”
He yells into his pillow, and I make the loudest, funniest bellow I can muster, until he bursts into uncontrollable laughter.
“That was pretty good, but I think we can be even louder.”
This time, we both scream into our pillows until I run out of breath. Finn falls onto his side, laughing.
“Are you sure Uncle’s not coming?” Finn asks a few rounds later.
“He’d be here if he could.”
“Do you miss Uncle?” Finn asks.
“Yeah, Finny, I do.”
Tears fill my vision. I return my pillow to the bed and straighten the covers, trying to collect myself, then sit down at the edge of the bed and bury my face in my hands.
A small hand touches my forearm. “I know it’s hard to wait, but don’t worry. He’ll come home someday.”
Loss changes you. Some kids regress. Other kids grow up too fast. That was me. I don’t want that for him. I force my head up, reminding myself that showing my grief won’t harm him, and is far more beneficial than conditioning him to hide his feelings the way my uncle did.
“Thank you.” I rub his back. “Your daddy would be so proud of you.”
“Can you read me the seahorse book?”
“You got it.” Seb used to read it to him, and he requests it whenever he misses him.
After I finish, Finn says, “I think I want to try my cake now.”