Chapter 10
CHAPTER TEN
STILL HIM
LOLA
On the walk toward my parents’ house, I replay my time with Tully, still in disbelief that he’s here and that I’ll see him tomorrow.
I’m asking for pain—this is a bad, bad idea—but I decide I’ll deal with the fallout later.
Tully and I agreed to just be here, didn’t we?
No past, no future, just this little window of time on the island of Nantucket.
The problem is, our past is etched in our every interaction, whether we talk about it or not.
It’s in the way we look at each other, the way our bodies are drawn together like magnets.
But I’ll worry about that later. Right now, I just want to enjoy his company. Live in the high of being near him one more time. And Nantucket is my safe place. That may not be entirely true, but it feels like we can be in our own little world here.
It was hard not to go to the rehearsal dinner too, while I have the chance to see Tully, but this is the right thing. I genuinely want to spend time with my family as well, even though my parents can be challenging at times. Loving them has never been the hard part.
I reach our gate, where the flowers have been trimmed into submission against the gray shingles, and breathe in the salty air. There are definitely things I miss about Nantucket…and things I don’t. I smooth down my sweater and go in.
Mom meets me in the foyer before I can set down my tote.
“Lola, darling. You’re late.”
She kisses the air beside my cheek. Her perfume smells expensive and sharp.
“Hi, Mom. Sorry. It’s such a pretty day, I just kept walking.”
Behind her, Dad walks in. “Good to see you, Lo.”
He kisses my other cheek. Then Luca rounds the corner and crushes me into a hug.
“There you are,” he says. “Thought you’d never come back. Mom is in a mood.”
My brother is three years older than me and lives in Boston, and my sister is a year and a half older and lives here in Nantucket. They come to New York frequently to see me, which helps a lot.
“Sorry,” I mumble into his sweater.
Isla slips in beside him, tucking herself into my side. “Hey.” She glances at me and then does a double take. “Must’ve been a great walk.”
“It was.” I smile.
“Excellent. Be glad you got out for a while,” she whispers.
“Dinner is waiting,” Mom says, already moving back toward the kitchen.
“Sorry. I was gone longer than I expected to be.”
I sit down and look at the plate Mom puts in front of me. Seared halibut, garlic mashed potatoes, and asparagus arranged in architectural precision.
“Looks beautiful, Mom,” I tell her, and she perks up a little.
“It should. Took way longer than it should have to execute.” And then she goes into all the reasons the meal nearly flopped and how worried she is that it won’t taste as good as she was hoping.
“It’s delicious,” I say, one bite in.
“So good,” Isla echoes.
Dad lifts his wineglass. “To having everyone home.”
Conversation moves in the usual template: Luca’s firm, Isla’s nonprofit, Dad’s investment news, Mom’s charity gala. Then, inevitably, Mom turns to me.
“And the shop?”
Here we go.
“It’s busy,” I say. “Things are going well.”
I leave out all the negatives, the biggest one being that it’s challenging to run your own business.
Her smile holds, but only just. “I still don’t understand how you make any money doing that. You graduated at the top of your class in high school.”
“Smartest one in this family,” Dad adds.
Luca coughs to hide a laugh.
“Something you’ll never let us forget,” Isla says, laughing.
“There’s something to be said for doing what you love,” I say.
“Tattooing is extremely limiting,” Mom says.
“I guess that’s one way to look at it. It’s art.”
“If you call skulls on people’s skin art,” Mom says under her breath.
Isla’s knee presses lightly into mine under the table.
I love them. I do. I know their criticism is just because they love me. But sometimes it wears on me. I realize I’ve disappointed them by not living up to what they consider my potential, but I wish they could be happy that I’m happy.
But you aren’t even all that happy, the critic in my head chirps.
“You’re so much smarter than this,” Mother adds, softer now.
The words sting more than the judgment.
“I’m not wasting my brain,” I say gently. “I’m using my brain and my hands. And people trust me to create something lasting on their bodies that they’ll be happy with forever. That feels important.”
Dad leans back slightly. He does not approve, but he usually bends, and that’s for one reason only. He thinks I bailed him out once, and his pride will never let him forget that.
“You’re right, honey. You might not be doing what we wished for you, but you’re making an honest living.” That’s his version of a compromise.
Luca lifts his glass. “Her work’s incredible, by the way. Half my office has traveled to New York to see her, or are on her waitlist. And her following on social media is insane. Multiple times we’ve been out eating dinner, and people recognize her. She’s famous.”
He grins at me, and Mom just closes her eyes briefly and sighs. Isla squeezes my hand under the table and changes the subject. The tension dissolves just enough to breathe again.
Later, as plates are cleared, Mom says, “Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, Lola—Patrick called earlier.”
I frown. “Why would he call here?”
She lifts her eyebrows. “He says you’re avoiding his calls.”
“I am. We broke up.”
“Well, you know I’m not too sad about that,” she says, shaking her head.
I hesitate, then say it. “I ran into Tully Whitman.”
The shift is immediate.
Mom’s mouth tightens, and Dad’s eyebrow lifts.
“The hockey player from college?” she asks. “Where?”
“Yes. And actually, it’s been twice now. Once at his family’s resort, and then again, here. Today.”
“He’s here?” Isla asks, sitting up straighter.
I nod.
“Resort?” Dad’s forehead creases.
I knew that would catch his attention.
“Yes, his family owns a gorgeous resort in Minnesota. It’s called Windhaven. Look it up. You’d love it.”
Mom exhales. “Well, why didn’t he go into that line of work? It would’ve been a lot more suitable. I’ve never understood the appeal of a profession built on violence. It’s brute force on ice.”
“Maybe he will once he retires from hockey.” I shrug.
“You know,” Luca says, “I saw an article about Tully not too long ago, estimating that he’s making almost $20 million a year from endorsements.”
Dad sputters his drink. “You’re kidding.”
My mom is even stunned silent for a few minutes with that news. Finally, she dabs her lips with her napkin. “You were very serious about him.”
Were.
I stare at the candle flame. “It was a long time ago.”
“Not long enough,” Luca says quietly.
He thinks Tully shattered me, despite me trying to correct him. I was shattered about Tully, but I’m the one who ended things. I’m the shatterer.
“He never fit into our world,” Mom says primly.
Isla shifts beside me. She knows the truth. At least some of it. She held it with me when everything fell apart, and she’s never betrayed it.
“Did he attempt to reconnect?”
“I’m actually going to a wedding of one of our mutual friends tomorrow afternoon.”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea, honey?” Mom asks.
Isla and I exchange a long, weighty look. I’d be able to see her concern from a mile away.
Dad points at me with his fork. “Some chapters close for a reason, you know.”
His voice is neutral, but when I glance up, his eyes won’t meet mine. Both of us carry a lot of shame from five years ago. I’d hoped it would have dulled by now, but it’s as if it all happened yesterday. I feel it all just as fresh. And seeing Tully again has stirred everything up even more.
I don’t mind, though. It reminds me of why we can never be together.
“Tell me everything,” Isla says, closing my bedroom door.
“I was taking a walk and just…ran into him! I couldn’t believe it. Neither could he. He’s here for Dax’s wedding—his college roommate…”
“Oh, I remember you talking about him. He chased everything in a skirt, didn’t he?” Isla says.
“Yeah, but Tully says he’s so in love that he changed his ways as soon as he met this girl.”
“Cute. Okay, back to Tully. What happened?”
“We took a long walk and talked…agreed to not talk about the past—”
“Interesting. And he invited you to the wedding?”
“Dax did, but I could tell Tully was happy I said yes. I was invited to the rehearsal dinner tonight too, but I didn’t want to miss dinner with all of you.”
“So you could be grilled about your life choices? I don’t blame you.” Isla rolls her eyes. “When is Mom going to stop giving you a hard time about your job?”
“Probably never. I just brace myself for it now.”
“But it makes you come home less,” Isla says, putting her arms around me from behind. She leans her head on my shoulder and looks at me in the mirror. “I miss you.”
“I miss you too. When are you coming to New York?”
“Soon, I promise. But back to Tully. Are you sure about this wedding?”
“I know it’s not a good idea.” I turn and look at her. “But we’ve run into each other twice…and he’s willing to just be in the moment while we’re here. It feels like a little gift from the universe. And I can go back to being devastated the day after tomorrow.”
She sighs. “You’re still devastated about him?”
I move past her, not wanting to answer that question. “How was work today?”
“Nice try. I’m not done interrogating you.”
“Okay, Mom.”
She taps her foot on the back of my knees, making them buckle, and I laugh.
“Sorry!” I yelp.
She grins. “That’s better. Did you tell him you and Patrick are done?”
“Yeah, Patrick was one of the first things he asked me about.”
She makes a face. “This makes me nervous, Lo.”
“Let’s not talk about it anymore. I just want to enjoy being here with you, and enjoy tomorrow with Tully…”
“And I’ll be here to pick up the pieces when you need me to,” she says.
“Yes, that.” I climb on the bed and pat the space next to me. “Come on. Let’s watch Cinderella.”
We’ve watched the Lily James version no less than thirty times. We can both recite it. We snuggle under the covers, and when Cinderella is getting ready for the ball, Isla says, “You need something amazing to wear for the wedding, and I think I have the perfect thing.”
“Because you’re the best sister ever.”
“Mm-hmm. Don’t you forget it.”