Chapter 23
23
Three months later
‘Catch!’ Jamie says, throwing the rope of our little fishing boat at me.
I catch it easily, loop it round the dock and wipe sweat from my brow as I stand up, squinting in the sun. I let the warmth wash over me. I never get tired of it. It turns out that I am 100 per cent solar-powered. I love being by the water, and I love being in the sun – but hot sunshine at the water? It’s my actual heaven. Every cell in my body is alive, and I treat it as my job every single day to stay that way. Now that I know what it is to feel content, I work fastidiously to remain that way. And appreciating the little moments is top of the list of ‘happy management’.
I inhale, breathing out heavily, and I can feel his eyes on me. I’ve got very good at that – knowing when he’s watching. He does it so openly, though, I don’t suppose it’s hard to tune your intuition to it.
‘What?’ I say, little-moment-appreciation taken care of and eyes now open.
He’s standing with the seawater up to his knees, looking up to me on dry land, his handsome face full of affection.
‘You’re perfect,’ Jamie says to me. Simple as that. He tells me I’m perfect, or exquisite, or beautiful, or magnificent, on the hour every hour. Sometimes more often. He says it’s for all the time he wasn’t able to say it. I’m long past trying to stop him.
‘You only fancy me because I’m handy with a fishing net,’ I joke, giving him a bum-wiggle.
‘Oh, I fancy you because you’re handy all right,’ Jamie retorts.
And I reward him by pulling the fabric of my bikini top to quickly flash my boob.
Jamie yells, ‘Tease!’ and before I know it, he has launched himself up on the dock to chase me. I’m fast, though. Three months of the physical labour that sailing requires has made me lean and strong. I can almost outrun my boyfriend.
Yes. Boyfriend .
We made it official under the stars one night, not knowing when we’ll go back to England but knowing that, when we do, we’ll do it together.
This has been the best, most freeing three months of my life. Jamie showed me the ropes as we sailed a couple of big boats from one destination to another, and now we’ve got a gap between gigs to rent a hut on this magical island, fishing for our own supper and going to bed when it gets dark and waking up when it’s early, because the electricity is patchy and, surprisingly, I don’t even mind. We find ways to stay entertained … And Hope is coming to meet up with us next week, with Otto, one of her German lovers.
I’m not ready for it to end, yet – the sailing and the sex. A pause is better than a misstep. Turns out, this hasn’t been a pause. It’s been a leap of faith. And I have absolutely no idea how being here fits into the wider picture of my life, but that’s what feels like such a triumph: I’ve stopped worrying about trying to plan. I’m here, now, finally in the moment. And as Jamie grabs me from behind and tackles me to the sand, pinning me down with his weight, I can’t help but think, What a glorious moment to be in , kissed heavy and hard in between shrieks of laughter .
I can’t believe this man is mine, that I can touch him and be touched whenever I want. That we can kiss and fish and make love and talk and just be . Because that’s the thing. My mind is at peace. My body is exhausted. And down to my very bones, I know this is my happy place. I’m in love. In love with a man, yes, but because of Jamie’s love for me I’ve taken a chance at being in love with my life . These past three months I’ve been an active participant instead of a passive bystander. I’ve become my own main character and that’s not because Jamie makes me braver, but because I’ve made myself braver. I am vulnerable and unsure, and I know that’s not a weakness. Feeling that way and trusting myself is actually a strength. And, honestly, I think knowing that is the biggest win of all.