Layanna
I’d agreed to meet my mother at my favorite restaurant, Itamae Ao, because my love for the fusion of Peruvian and Japanese cuisine would lend a hand in whatever we would end up discussing this evening.
At the very least, I would be delightfully full and properly libated.
Adorning myself in a nude Ralph Lauren Collection monochromatic look for the occasion, I stepped from my car in the wide leg satin trousers that hugged the lower half of my body in all the right places and a matching blouse with the top three buttons left open to expose my yellow gold and onyx Vintage Alhambra Van Cleef necklace, nude So Kate’s, completing the look with a Cult Gaia Reina clutch.
As I began the short hike to the entrance of the restaurant, I could feel my hair, which was pulled into a sleek ponytail at the nape of my neck, sway back and forth against the middle of my back.
Entering the restaurant, my thoughts were consumed with thoughts of how this evening would go; however, I stopped in my tracks when I noticed my mother, father, Ajaih, and Caleb sitting at the table, catching me completely off guard.
I tried not to smile, but seeing some of the most important people in my life seated at one table made me smile so much bigger than I had anticipated.
Eight sets of eyes were on me with matching smiles as I quickened my steps to get to everyone.
Planning to hug my parents and best friend first, Caleb didn’t allow that to happen as he was out of his seat before I could get to the table, wrapping me in his warm embrace and kissing my lips, catching me completely off guard.
As he pulled back slightly to look at my face, I smiled shyly, asking, “Cal, what are you doing?”
“Being a man and easing your worries, my love,” he replied, his confidence offering me silent reassurance that all would be fine as he pulled me into his side and we walked to the table.
Finally, looking at the 3 three sets of remaining eyes on me, I immediately felt anxious about what they would say about Caleb and me. I was one of the most successful surgeons in the world, yet I felt like a small child as I opened my mouth to greet my loved ones.
“Mom! Dad! Jaja!” I squealed with glee.
Hugging my mother first, I expected a somewhat cold, distant embrace; however, the hug Lilian Graves laid on me brought me to tears.
It was the type of hug I’d wanted from my mother as a young girl.
The hug was warm, protective, and filled with love.
I wept into my mother’s embrace, not caring who was watching.
“Babygirl, I love you so much,” my mother started, “I have failed you and let you down for so long, not being the woman and confident you deserved. I allowed my ego and pride to prevent me from getting the help I needed, instead pushing you and your father away until I had nothing. I am so sorry Ya-Ya,” my mom said, calling me by my childhood nickname, “And if you give me the chance, I would like to show you day by day, earning your trust, your support, and your love through my efforts to show up for you and my actions being a supportive mother however you need.”
Sniveling into her chest still, I managed to speak out, “You don’t have to earn my love, mommy, I have never stopped loving you. I’ve only ever prayed for you to get better so you could love me too.”
My father wrapped my mom and I in his arms as he spoke, “I’ve prayed for peace, healing, and guidance to order our steps back to each other as a family.
Today is the day my prayers have been answered and my heart made whole again,” finally gathering myself, I looked up at my mother and father and noticed their closeness and the love for each other radiating from them.
Deciding to come back to this over dinner, I finally made my way to JaJa and yelled as we hugged, jumping up and down.
Ajaih Simms had been my best friend since we were kids; her father, whom I called Uncle Dro, was best friends with my father, and thus we were destined to become best friends.
I wouldn’t refer to JaJa as family because I was very obviously attracted to her, the same way she was attracted to me; however, we never crossed that line.
Ajaih’s mother left her with Uncle Dro when she was a baby and never came back for her.
Both motherless children, though the circumstances differed slightly, we were bestie bonded for life.
JaJa had gone off to the Air Force after high school, working her way up to General Simms before retiring and becoming a commercial airline pilot, keeping her on the go more often than not.
“BITCHHHHHH,” she whispered in my ear, “I’ll be home in the hills for a month, we have a lot of catching up to do, mmhmmm,” she stated.
“A LOT,” I responded, cackling as we all finally sat down to prepare for the 7-course head chef-designed and curated menu.
We all made small talk at the table before I blurted out abruptly that Caleb and I are in a relationship, and I’m in love with him. Caleb’s lips lifted immediately into a smile that beamed brightly with pride at the announcement.
“Well, no shit, sweet pea,” my dad stated, causing us all to laugh.
“Caleb called us all and informed us that y’all had become a couple.
He wanted us all to get together to reassure you that you had our love, support, and acceptance in moving on with Cal.
He informed us that nothing had ever gone on between you two while Maria and Angel were alive, and as a cherry on top, let us know that the kids know, are happy for you both, and even made a bet on you two dating months ago,” causing me to erupt in laughter.
“I want a piece of every dime made from that bet, thank you for the reminder, Dad,” I said as I went to talk shit in the family group chat, causing everyone to laugh.
Turning back to my mother, “Mom, I know we were supposed to get together and have a one-on-one. I understand if you want to wait and have this talk when it’s just the both of us,” I stated, tempering my expectations if she decided she’d rather it be just us.
“No, Layanna, I want to hold myself accountable in front of the people you love by standing in my truth,” she stated with confidence as my eyes started to well with tears yet again.
“Ant and JaJa know, but Cal, I spent most of Ayanna’s life in the throes of mental illness.
I refused to get help, and subsequently, my paranoia and anxiety caused me to ruin my marriage and drive my daughter away, fearing that they were out to get me.
From what? I don’t know,” my mom stated with her head held high, and she continued on, “Ant left me when Ya-Ya was 13 and threatened to get full custody of her. In my sick mind, he was trying to kill me and use my daughter to do it,” her eyes finally welling up with tears.
“On Ya-Ya’s 13th birthday, I put myself and Yanna in the car and drove to a train crossing that I knew had regular train traffic,” she said, her voice now shaking, and my thigh bouncing as sadness crept into my spirit.
“I parked the car on the train tracks and locked the doors as a train was coming full steam ahead to end my pain and suffering and take my baby with me, because if I couldn’t be the mother she deserved in the living, just maybe I could be the mother she deserved in the afterlife,” my mother sobbed softly as my father rubbed her back supportively.
“The man above must’ve sent an angel to let us know that we still had purpose here on earth, because next thing I felt was the car being forcefully pushed across the tracks.
Layanna, in my sick mind, there was no way I could be a good mother to you, because of my illness.
I felt that maybe in another time and place, I would have the chance to love you, admire you, and pour into you the way you deserved.
I have always wanted to be your mother, to love you, to engage your interests, but instead, I allowed my fear and ego to guide me, and I dropped the ball completely.
The state trooper slamming his truck into the car repeatedly until we were safely off the tracks should’ve been my second and final chance, but instead I continued to allow my illness to dictate my moves in life, driving me to push you and your dad away,” she continued.
“I want to apologize to you right here and right now, and ask you to give me a chance to be your mother whenever you’re ready. I will give you the time and space you need to decide how to move forward,” my mom stated, her voice genuine and honest, as I sat quietly for a moment.
I never thought in a million years that I’d get an apology from my mom, and I damn sure never expected her to come to me in hopes of re-establishing a relationship. Sitting quiet for a few moments longer, squeezing Caleb’s hand on my thigh, and JaJa rubbing my back, I found the courage to respond.
“Mom, I forgive you, and I want you to forgive yourself. We can’t change the past, but we can work towards a future of beautiful memories from this day forward.
I’d like to get to know the woman you are today and be a support system for you as you continue your journey of health and wellness,” I finished, watching my mom raise her head up as she looked at me with joy, love, and admiration.
“Mrs. Graves, it takes a special kind of love to humble yourself not only in front of your child but in front of others and speak openly and honestly about the damage and pain you inflicted on her. I pray that you, Yanna, and Mr. Graves continue to heal as a family and individually. Any way I can be of help to you all, please let me know,” Caleb stated as he stood up, preparing to embrace my parents.