Chapter 28 #4
“Never ever?” I question with a giggle, and his responding smile, my smile, fills me up inside. All my emotions and needs boil to the surface. He’s so close, and his touch… and his eyes with the slight crow’s feet in the corners, along with his cologne… It’s Nick. He’s here and I’m lost in him.
I lean my head forward, and without giving it another thought, I press my lips to his. His lips are soft and warm. In an instant I’m transported through time, and I’m back on the front step of my parents’ house, where he’s kissing me for the first time. It’s all that, but somehow more.
He doesn’t pull away. As soon as my lips touch his, he draws me in closer and kisses me tenderly. He pauses for a second as if he’s attempting to breathe. Then he deepens the kiss. I feel his tongue slide along mine as his lips tighten. He caresses my lips with his.
He moans softly as he continues to explore my mouth. His hand moves to the back of my head, and mine lifts to his neck. His tongue invades my mouth as if he’s having a meal he never thought he’d taste again. I know because I feel the same way.
My body responds to his kiss, and I can’t deny how much I long to feel his touch.
It’s been so long since he held me in his arms, since I felt this way with any man.
Being with him, like this, reminds me of how safe I felt when we were together.
I was never afraid with him, and I always felt wanted.
The memories cause an ache in my chest. But the ache doesn’t hurt, it longs for more.
He kisses my lips softly and then presses his cheek against mine. “You…” he whispers softly.
“Me?” I question.
He gazes into my eyes and then turns abruptly to stare out the window. “Nick?” I question. “What’s wrong?”
He rotates and faces the steering wheel. His eyes narrow as he stares off into space. “At the soccer game, you said that you thought you weren’t enough for me.” He glances toward me. “What did you mean by that?”
I sigh heavily and my head drops. This talk is long overdue.
I need to explain how I felt back then and also what I feel right now.
Somehow the words just come to me, probably because I’ve rehearsed over a hundred times what I would say to him if I ever had the chance.
“When we were together, I always felt like I couldn’t give you what you needed. What you wanted most from me.”
“Sex?” he questions with pain in his voice.
I nod my head. “I wasn’t ready to move forward and I felt like I was holding you back. It was all we would talk about. When we were together, it was all you wanted to do. I started to feel like I was just a conquest.”
“That’s not true. You were way more than that. Why didn’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you tell me how I made you feel?”
“I tried. But I’d call you at school and there would always be some girl in the background. I felt like you were cheating on me and it hurt.”
He faces me and takes my hand in his. “I swear to you on my life that I never cheated on you. Never. Not once. I never wanted anyone but you. You were everything to me. You could have been my everything.”
The “could have” makes me want to cry. I’m back to my suspicion that he needs to tell me what I missed out on by not staying with him, and it causes me physical pain. I remove my hand from his.
“Don’t,” he says as his chin juts forward. “What did I say?”
I take a deep breath to calm myself. I don’t want to cry again. “Nothing. It’s fine.”
“No, it isn’t, because just a second ago I was holding your hand and now I’m not. You did the same thing in the restaurant.”
“It’s nothing, okay?”
His fist pounds into the dash. “It’s not okay, Ever. You need to talk to me. For once in your life just tell me how you really feel!”
“I did tell you! I’m not meant for you. It’s clear.”
“Is that what you really think?”
“Yes,” I respond.
“You don’t want to be with me?” He winces as if he’s just been delivered a major blow.
“That’s not what I said.”
He sighs and turns away. His fingers cover his lips and I search for the right words to make him understand why I walked away from him and from us.
“You’ve always had this power over me, Nick.
Don’t you see? I loved you. I loved you more than anything, but I never felt like I was good enough for you. ”
“I wasn’t good enough for you. I loved you, Ever. When you left me, you destroyed me.”
“I did?” I hush.
“You hurt me. I thought we were forever, and then one day it was just over. You said you were letting me go so I could find what I was looking for, but I didn’t understand.
You wouldn’t return my calls or my letters.
I thought of flying out to talk to you, but Cooper told me you said you never wanted to see me again. ”
His voice cracks with the last two words, and my heart breaks. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” I whisper painfully. It’s the truth.
“You were more than enough for me. I’m sorry I pushed you so hard. I’m sorry I made you feel that you weren’t. I don’t have an excuse. It was dumb male hormones. I thought with my dick more than my brain. But I loved you. You have to know that.”
My heart aches for my twenty-one-year-old Nick. I want to turn back the clock and make him understand. But mostly, I want him to make me believe. “In my head I knew you cared, but my heart thought it was all about the sex.”
“I told you I’d wait and I meant it.”
“It was too much pressure.”
Nick nods and gazes out the window again.
“I’m sorry, Ever.” He shakes his head as his brows lower, and he rubs his hands over the wheel.
“I’m sorry that I caused you pain. All these years I felt like you were the one who crushed me, but now I know.
I was just as much to blame for our breakup, if not more. I didn’t just hurt you, I broke you.”
“No, Nick. It wasn’t you. It was me. I ran. I was afraid and I ran. You were right.”
“I was right?” His lips curl upward slightly, and I can’t help but return his expression. “We were both wrong. Deal?”
“Well, maybe you a little more,” I say jokingly as I pinch my fingers together to give him a visual. He laughs and the sound warms my heart.
“Will you come back to my place for a bit so we can talk?”
“What about my car? I have to work tomorrow night.”
“Tomorrow’s Sunday.”
I nod my head. “People have babies and need nurses on Sundays too.”
He smiles. “Have babies?”
“I work in Labor and Delivery.”
“I see. Is that where you want to be?”
I babble on and on about how much I love taking care of people and what a dream it is for me to finally be a nurse.
He listens attentively. I’m so comfortable with him that I tell him about my parents and about the baby I lost. His compassion for me and his genuine concern lift me up inside.
It’s more than I could have hoped for. He seems to really care about what I have to say and it’s a new experience for me.
I glance up to his dash and realize how long I’ve been talking. “Oh my gosh… why didn’t you stop me? I’ve been yakking for over an hour.”
“I want to know about you. I want to hear everything I’ve missed.”
“Why?” I question with a huff. “My life is boring compared to yours.”
“There you go again.” He shakes his head. “There are a lot of things you don’t know about me either. Come home with me? Let me correct your misconceptions. Give me a chance to explain.”
“Are you asking me for a sleepover?” I giggle.
“I wouldn’t say no if you were offering, but I’ve also learned my lesson and I’m in no rush. Look at me,” he demands. “I’m in no rush. Do you believe me?”
“I do believe you, but my car... I need to get the kids in the morning.”
“This is a serious issue for you, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” I retort in complete honesty.
“Do you trust me?”
As I stare into his hazel eyes, I realize that I really do. I nod and he pulls out his phone.
“Your address, please.”
“1107 Stonebridge Drive.”
“Thank you.” He pushes a button on his phone. “Hi, Patrice, it’s Nick Rowen. May I speak with Frank? It’s important.” He pauses and winks at me. I start to consider what it would be like to spend the night with him, and my insides turn to mush.
“Frank, I need a favor. You have a ticket for a minivan, number…” He reaches into my purse and pulls out the stub. “…443. I need that car locked with the keys under the front doormat at 1107 Stonebridge Drive by the end of the evening. Can you manage it? Perfect. I’ll stop in to see you tomorrow.”
He presses end and hands my purse back to me.
“Do people always do what you ask them to?” I question with a smirk.
“Everyone but you.”
“Ask me something, then.”
My smile appears on his face, and I know what my answer will be before he asks the question. “Yes,” I say. “Whatever it is, my answer is yes.”