Chapter 38
I SING ALONG with the radio as I drive to Kay’s. It amazes me how much more beautiful the world seems to be. I credit my joy to Nick Rowen. I smile to myself as I think back over the events of my morning and how much he fills up every empty space I’ve ever had.
As I pull down her street, I watch for her, but it’s fairly quiet.
It’s nearing Thanksgiving, and its getting colder day by day.
I pull up in front of her house, and as I exit my car, her big red door comes into view.
I jog up to it, and before I knock, I run my fingers along the edges.
“Hello, magic door,” I say with a giggle.
“How do you feel about being painted because I’m happy for once?
” I laugh to myself as I rap my knuckles on the door.
I imagine Kay and myself painting the door together.
A few seconds pass and she doesn’t answer.
I knock again and nothing. I reach in my purse and pull out my keys.
Maybe she’s in the bathroom. I open her door.
“Gram? It’s Ev!” I toss my purse on her couch and listen for her response.
It’s eerily quiet. I pop my head in the kitchen.
Not there. I open the basement door and it’s dark.
“Gram?” I yell again. “Are you in the bathroom?” I make my way down the hall and pause at my door for a moment, smiling at the memories of peaceful sleep in my old bed.
“Gram? What are you doing?” I laugh. “Are you back here?”
I round the corner into her room and she’s fast asleep in bed. I lean on the bed and shake her gently. “Gram…” I whisper. “Wake up, sleepyhead!” I giggle.
She doesn’t move.
“It’s the middle of the day. Are you tired?
” My stomach tenses, but I ignore it. “Gram?” I shake her again.
“Grandma Kay?” I push her more forcibly as my chest fills with fear.
“Gram!” I shout and roll her over. I reach for her face and it’s cold.
She’s never cold. She’s always warm. She should be warm.
I pull the covers over her. “Are you cold?” I ask as I tuck the blankets around her.
“Is that better?” I ask as a lone tear slips down my cheek.
“It’s getting cold now, but it’s sunny outside, so it’s still a nice day.
” I stand and stumble to the window. I lean on the frame and continue to speak through bated breath.
“I thought maybe we’d paint the door again today.
” My voice shakes as I turn toward her and wait for her response.
“What do you think, hmm?” I ask, knowing the answer will never come. I hear her voice in my head and I see her smile. I slide to the ground and kneel next to her. “Gram… please.”
Her silence overwhelms me, and my chest is racked with sobs as I continue to shake her.
“Please wake up! Please!” I beg. I lie my head on her chest and wait to hear her heart.
Her wonderful, beautiful, strong heart. It’s the most deafening silence of my life.
I crawl next to her and run my fingers through her silver hair.
I place my head softly over her heart. “I love you. Please, Gram. Please… don’t leave me. ”
NICK CRADLES ME in his arms as I watch them zip the bag around her.
He tries to step in front of me to spare me, but I push him aside.
The house is full of strangers. They’re moving and whispering, but it’s too quiet.
I picture her coming up the stairs from her basement holding the can of paint.
I see her sitting on the sidewalk, drawing with chalk.
I envision her winking to me as Gwen scrubs a pan in the sink.
I turn my head into his chest and he holds me in his arms. I close my eyes and pray to wake up safe in bed down the hall. I want a redo. I want another chance. Nick leads me to the couch and I slowly slide down into it.
“Tell me what you need. I’ll do anything.”
I reach up and touch his face. He’s holding back for me. I can see it. He’s always been so strong. The door opens, and Gwen rushes in with Cooper behind her. She runs to me and I stand. No words are spoken. But we cry. We cry together.
“She’s gone, Gwenny.”
“I know,” she says through her tears. “I’m so sorry. I’m so… sorry.”
“She loved you, Gwenny, you know?” I ask as I strain to see her face.
She nods as the tears seep down her face. “I loved her too.”
We stand like that for a long time. Just holding on to each other and all the memories of a love that was like no other.
My eyes dart up to the clock on the wall. “The kids!” I cry out in a panic.
“Shh…” Nick says as he reaches for me. I called Mike. He has them. They’re fine.”
“Do they know?” I ask him as my voice shakes and I clutch my tissues to my face.
“No. I told Mike not to say anything until we got there. I figured you’d want to be there with him to tell them.”
I nod my head at him and slide back down to the couch. Then I stand abruptly. “Does anyone want some coffee or tea?” I start to walk to the kitchen and Cooper stops me. His arm’s in a sling, but he lifts his free hand to my face.
“Hey… Nick and I can handle it. Okay? You just sit with Gwen. We’ll take care of everything.”
I nod my head and he leans into me, pushing my head to his chest and placing his hand on the back of my head.
I sit with Gwen and we try to figure out what happened. “I think it was her heart,” I tell her. “She gave so much of it away, there probably wasn’t enough left to keep her alive.”
Gwen and I cry for the next hour as Cooper and Nick try their best to console us. There just aren’t words. As it starts to get dark, I realize we need to leave, but I’m afraid. It feels as if leaving her house means leaving her.
“Hey…” Nick crouches next me. “She’s not here,” he says as he points to her home. “She’s here,” he whispers as he touches my heart. The tears flow again. He takes me into his arms and doesn’t let go.