14. Lucky #2
Jasper neatly cubes his pancake and quiet pleasure unfurls in my chest, even though he doesn’t so much as glance my way.
Still , I really wish he wasn’t taking Dom’s side on this one. I hate this authoritarian crap.
Well ... for this kind of thing I hate it.
Jasper continues, “ She’s frightened and skittish, only just now recovering from days of running from these men.
We don’t yet know to what extent—or if—we’re even facing a threat.
They might not even be aware their comrades are dead.
Telling her about them now would be premature and perhaps send her into a flight that would only put her in more danger.
We need to assess the danger, prepare accordingly, and inform her calmly when we have the facts and can be sure she won’t put herself, and us, at risk. ”
Dom nods once and Beau shakes his head with a frustrated hiss.
“ Ridiculous ,” he says under his breath.
Jasper ignores him.
“ It’s final; no one says a word to her,” Dom says firmly. “ Clear ?”
“ Clear , Cap ,” I say with a pang of regret, and Jasper murmurs his agreement.
After a beat of silence, Dom’s golden gaze swings back to Beau . Their eyes lock.
Even after all these years, I’m not sure I completely understand their relationship. For a while I thought maybe they were like me. But I figure I’ve got secret desire pretty much locked down by now, and I just don’t see it curling between them.
The team is tight enough, but we all know these guys are partners. They balance each other, watch each other’s six, and they’d leave the rest of us in the dirt before they’d leave each other.
But things have been off with them since the Heather drama, and I do not love the weird tension. It makes me itchy.
That push and pull is there between them now, the kind of questioning that never existed before Heather —or BH , as I call it—when Dom repeats, “ Clear ?”
Finally , Beau drops his gaze. He scrubs a hand over the scruff on his chin that he usually keeps shaved. “ Clear . But for the record, she’s smart enough to know something’s going on. It’s not going to make her any more trusting of us if we keep lying.”
“ I’m more worried about keeping the hunters off our backs than coddling her feelings. She’ll need to toughen up if she wants to stick around.” Dom’s voice is hard. “ Now if we’re done, can we move to the study and figure out how to stop these assholes from killing us in our sleep?”
“ Should I get Jaykob ?” Beau asks, and everyone tenses. “ He should be a part of this.”
Dom rubs his forehead. “ Not ... now. I’ll talk to him later.”
“ Barring Lucien , we all miscalculated there,” Jasper says in a grim voice.
“ Unfortunately , I anticipate this incident will exacerbate some of his more problematic behaviors. I will make my apologies shortly, and I strongly suggest you both do the same. In the interim, Lucien , it would be good if you could visit with him. He’s not half so antagonistic with you and we need to keep him from feeling too isolated. ”
“ Yeah . I mean, yes. Sure . I can do that.”
I shut my mouth and internally kick myself.
No one acknowledges my clumsy reply, but I know Jasper , at least, noticed.
Damn it. Through the years, I’ve become real good at keeping this shit locked down, but ever since Eden arrived, it’s like I’ve taken a dozen fresh cuts and my emotions are bleeding out everywhere.
Hearing my name on his lips tangles my tongue, seeing him eating the food I’ve prepared makes me weak. I’m pretty sure I’m broken.
And I know why.
Seeing them together the other day wrecked me.
I’m still not sure how it can be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen and yet still make me want to yank my heart out through my mouth just to make it stop hurting.
I’ve gotten myself off six times since, just picturing him pleasuring her, remembering the short, gaspy pants she made and the look on her face when she came—and it only made me cry once.
Okay , twice.
Fuck . I’m a mess. And he’s going to see it.
“ Study in five,” Dom orders.
I salute my assent and quickly gather the plates as Dom and Beau leave the room, not wanting to leave a mess for Eden to find. When I move to take Jasper’s plate, his hand grasps my belt under the counter, and I still. I think I forget to breathe.
His dark eyes pierce me, but I don’t lift mine to meet them. I don’t want him to see everything writhing around in there right now.
Screw the mess, I should have left while I still had the chance.
“ Look at me, Lucien ,” he murmurs.
Reluctantly , I do.
The icy irritation has melted from his features and he’s looking at me with his Sir eyes. He’s looking at me like... Fuck , the curve of his mouth is so pretty. He is so pretty. I’ve never seen softer-looking lips—except maybe Eden’s .
Eden .
Shit .
I swallow hard and wrap my hand around his wrist, tugging gently so he’ll remove it. “ Jasper , I can’t—”
His brow kicks up in surprise. His hand doesn’t budge.
Damn it. One more minute and he’ll have more than my buckle to hold on to.
Jasper ignores my protest. “ It’s your night with Eden ,” he muses.
Oh . Ohhh no. Yeah , I am not having this conversation.
“ Dom said five, right? We should get moving. I —”
Those beautiful lips purse into a severe line. “ Captain Slade can wait.”
There’s a threat in his words, a warning, and that tone from him is like the bell for Pavlov’s dogs. I’m so hard I hurt. I ache.
But I’m used to aching for Jasper .
I nod in response, not trusting my voice, and the line of his mouth softens in approval. He likes it when I disobey Dom for him. I know he does. I just wish Dom didn’t hand me my ass every time I did it.
Right now, it seems like a good deal though.
It’s still early, but Jasper is groomed and pristine.
His shirt is immaculate, and the combination of silky soft fabric and hot, hard man always unravels me.
During one of our scenes, after he’d whipped me until I was wrung raw and crying at his feet, he rewarded me by wrapping one of those used silk shirts around my swollen cock and stroking me until I spilled everything I had into the fabric.
Even the thought of it makes me want to pass out all over again.
Sometimes I wonder if he ever wears that shirt. If it could be the one he’s wearing right now.
Or if I ruined it that day as much as he’s ruined me.
Jasper stands up, so very close. He’s taller than me and it makes me want to straighten—some small, heteronormative part of me I thought I rationalized away years ago wanting to prove that I’m just as tough.
That just because I’m submissive to him, it doesn’t make me less of a soldier, or less of a man.
Ridiculous .
He knows that as well as I do. Hell , he’s the one who helped me work through a lot of my conflicted feelings about my sexuality.
But still. I stand straight, shoulders back, and it brings our lips within inches.
We haven’t been this close in almost a year and a half.
Just for a moment, I wonder if he’s finally going to kiss me.
Instead , he lifts his hand from my belt and cups the side of my face. A few strands of inky, satin hair fall over his forehead. He’s not teasing now. He’s not severe. Dark , grave eyes caress my face.
Tension coils inside me, and I tremble under his grip. I’ve never seen him look at me this way, not even in the depths of a scene.
“ You seem very taken with her,” he says softly, and I can feel his breath on my mouth.
My erection strains for attention, but there is an inch of space between every part of our bodies, except where his hand holds me in place. Where he stops me from floating away. I feel magnetized against him, like that space can’t be closed. Like it won’t ever be, not with us.
“ So do you.” My words are just as soft as his, but they’re glass in my throat. It hurts, it hurts, it hurts . He looked at her like he was captivated . Owned . Alive .
But not at me.
Not like that.
I’m not usually a jealous person, but I’m jealous of him. I’m jealous of her too. I’m jealous that it’s so uncomplicated for them to be together but for some reason it’s the hardest thing in the world for us.
It must be because I’m a man, but the conversation has never been on the table, and I’ve been too chicken shit to ask. I never wanted the confirmation that there’s no hope for us.
“ She could be the solution to a problem of mine.” Jasper rests his forehead on mine, and my breath falters at the contact.
His thumb moves along my jaw. He hesitates, and the moment is so unlike Jasper , I wonder if I’ve been transported to some other reality.
Finally , he murmurs, “ If I asked something selfish of you, would you do it?”
A shiver courses down my spine, raising gooseflesh on my arms. My mouth dries up.
God , I want him to be selfish with me. I want him to take and take until I’m wrung out and spent.
Part of me wants to make a joke, to lighten the mood, because he can’t be saying what I think he’s saying—and if I’m wrong, it really will destroy me.
Because there’s this other part of me that doesn’t have a sense of humor at all. That part of me is desperate, and lonely, and has ached for him to touch me like this for too many years to count.
“ Anything . I’ll do anything for you,” I whisper, finally meeting his eyes.
I’m shaking, my body fighting against this rising tide of hope. He wouldn’t look at me like this if he didn’t care, right?
His grip tightens painfully. Then his forehead rolls against mine, just slightly. “ You don’t even know what I’m asking yet,” he mutters, letting out a sound suspiciously close to a groan.
It goes right to my dick. He’s confusing me now. For the first time since I’ve known him, he seems undone .
“ Jasper ? Sir ?” His eyes come back to mine, full of a banked heat that thrills me. “ Are you okay?”
He doesn’t answer, but the pad of his thumb brushes over my lips. I shudder, caught. My every atom zeroes in on that single point of contact.
His thumb drags over my lip harder, smearing it. Owning it.
“ Don’t sleep with her.”
The words are halfway between a plea and an order. They hang in the air for too long.
“ Why would you... ask that?” My stomach is in knots. I can’t tell if I’m thrilled or horrified. I think I’m both. I try to move my head back so I can think—so I can breathe —but he holds me tight. “ You of all people shouldn’t be asking me that.”
“ I know.”
“ Years , Jasper . It’s been years . And she likes me. I won’t have to be— Damn it! You’re doing this now ?”
No . Okay . I think I’ve got a handle on this. I’m definitely pissed.
I push him off me and get some distance even though my heart tries to carve its way through my chest and leap back into his arms. Stupid thing is a masochist.
Okay , all of me is a masochist. It’s no excuse!
“ Lucky , I know ,” he repeats.
The use of my nickname pulls me up short. I’ve never heard him use it. Not once.
“ Are you going to promise the same thing?” I demand.
I look back at him and the delicate line of his throat works. He sighs, looking at the floor, which, really, is answer enough. But ...
But .
He’s achingly beautiful in this moment. Rumpled and vulnerable and raw. I wonder how many people have ever seen him like this.
Jasper has unspooled me before, and I’ve curled up at his feet and thanked him, but I never thought I’d see him unravel.
“ I know it’s cruel. I know it’s unfair. But ... I’m asking anyway.” Jasper swallows, and his voice is unsteady as he adds, “ Please .”
Please .
Fuck .
Drawing in a tremulous breath, I have to ask, “ Why ?”
My voice is too hoarse. My erection has long since deflated—but this isn’t about that.
He shakes his head once, and I laugh, a little surprised at how strangled it sounds. “ No . You can’t ask something like that and not even give me an answer. Even I’m not that much of a pushover.”
“ You’re not a pushover,” he snaps, dark eyes flashing like lightning in the night. “ Being submissive with me is not the same thing.”
And my stupid masochistic heart knocks out a few ribs at his instant defense.
His pale jaw clenches, and his black hair is discomposed. Haltingly , he says, “ I need to work through a few things. I fear... I fear that I need to make some decisions.”
As though that explains anything.
“ Decisions ,” I echo, heart sinking. He fears . That doesn’t sound like a man ready to make a wild declaration of love. “ About me?”
Jasper falters, but there’s a hint of shame in his slight grimace.
“ Right ,” I breathe. Everything inside me is shredding to pieces.
I’ve been shot and it hurt less than this conversation.
Hot tears prick the back of my eyes, and I rub the back of my neck, hoping it might somehow knock the hot lump out of my throat as well.
“ So I should blow my chance with Eden and just... wait until you decide whether I’m worth it? ”
Jasper steps forward again. I retreat but find myself up against a cabinet. Did I think this kitchen was big? It’s a matchbox, and he’s the lit match, sucking down all my oxygen.
“ Lucien —”
“ Y’all might want to move your asses, Dom’s pitching a fi—” The swinging door crashes back against Beau’s outstretched hand as he cuts off, taking in the scene.
Jasper turns, angling his body so I’m not in full view. Instantly , all vulnerability flees from his face, leaving only cold, forbidding marble in its place.
That’s what he is, I realize. Unfeeling , untouchable, beautiful art. And I can stare at him all day but, really, he’s never going to look back.
Beau looks up at the ceiling like he suddenly finds cornices fascinating. “ I’ll — Ah . I’ll tell him you’ll be a few more minutes.”
Fucking . Fantastic .
While neither of them are looking, I swipe a hand over my eyes.
Somehow , Beau beats a retreat even faster than he arrived. And right now? That looks like a damn fine idea.
I sidestep around Jasper before he turns back to me and walk toward the door as quickly as I can without being accused of running.
“ We’re not done here, Lucien ,” Jasper says, but the hint of panic takes the usual weight from his implied order.
I stop. “ I think we are, actually,” I tell him as I crack in a thousand places. “ We are done , Jasper .”
Now I just need to get through one whole meeting without shattering completely.