31. Jasper #2
“ It takes a long time to make,” I say instead. “ And I wasn’t sure anyone else would have a taste for it.”
“ It wasn’t that hard,” Lucien disagrees. “ And Eden likes it. She loves Korean food.”
I blink, unsure why that surprises me. “ She does?”
He looks far too amused. “ You know, you really should just talk to her one day without all the fancy interrogation tactics. The two of you have a lot in common. She’s also raided your mom’s old collection of K -dramas. Or maybe it’s yours.”
I know Eden and I have a lot in common. Books , and philosophy, and tea... and Lucien . Precious Lucien . Precious Eden . They will be beautiful together, I know. Pure , precious, and happy .
“ My mother loved them, and I couldn’t bear to throw them away.” I smile, then give him an arch look. “ They’re far too sappy for my taste.”
“ Uh -huh,” Lucien says, and his dimples are definitely toying with me now. The sight of them makes my chest throb—and my erection go absolutely nowhere. There’s just enough sass in his voice to warrant a little lesson in manners.
If he were mine.
He must see something of what I’m thinking in my face because a tremor runs through him, and he glances away. “ Anyway , the kimchi’s not too bad. Bit of ketchup and it’d be totally edible.”
Pardon ? I’m pulled out of my thoughts. Even for Lucien , that’s...
Settling back in my chair, I release his hand and catch his wrist again.
I yank him forward so he’s off balance and press down in warning.
“ You put ketchup anywhere close to my mother’s recipe, and I will empty a bag of rice on the kitchen floor and make you pick up every last grain with a pair of tweezers between your teeth. ”
Lucien’s mouth drops open, and he seems caught somewhere between laughter and horror. “ Your creativity is a little frightening sometimes, you know that?”
I know that I want to press him into the wall and choke his laughter with my tongue.
He was your patient , I remind myself. He was for years. You have far too much influence over him. It would be unethical.
But images of the last time my weakness overcame me are quick to spring to mind. The day his stupidity reached new heights—literally—and he somehow convinced Beau to race up that cliffside. Without gear, without a plan to get down.
Without his brain, apparently.
I made him repay every minute of the unbearable hours he’d terrified me.
I tortured him until tears tracked down that cheeky, bratty face and his dimples tucked themselves away in apology.
Until he was unbearably hard, throbbing, and mindless with the need to come.
Until he apologized, and begged me so sweetly, and my raging fear slaked itself in his torment.
The grateful little whimper he gave when I finally allowed him release has gotten me off more nights than I can count.
The way he snuggled into my side as I tended him afterwards. ..
“ What are you thinking about?” he asks in a low, husky voice.
I glance up to find his eyes stuck on my lap, those parted lips sucking in air and taunting me with the pink slickness just inside. Of course, from the angle he’s now standing at there’s no hiding the erection pushing at my slacks. Damn it.
“ Eden ,” I lie smoothly, and hate myself when he flinches.
“ Right .”
I watch his throat bob as he swallows, feeling filthy. A prince of muck and shame. He deserves better than this, better than me. If only he didn’t believe he was in love with me. If only he recognized this for what it was and let me go, then I wouldn’t need to keep pushing him away.
“ You didn’t fuck Eden ,” I blurt, and his tense, hurt expression swings back to me in disbelief.
Immediately , I want to bite my tongue off. I need to push him away. To unclamp my grasping fingers from his heart. To finally snip the last threads of hope that tie him to me. I need to free him, the way he deserves to be freed. I should mind my own business.
But I’m tired, and rumpled, and sore.
And terribly deficient.
Unlike Eden , Lucien doesn’t stammer. He blinks once, then looks at me from under lowered brows.
“ Not with my cock,” he admits. Then his voice lowers, becomes hushed. “ I fucked her with my mouth. I fucked her until she came on my tongue.”
He says it like a confession, like he’s whispering to a priest of some forbidden communion. His eyes are on my face, and I wonder what he hopes to see. Jealousy ? Anger ? I have no right to either, though both suck at me like diseases preying on a weak constitution.
“ How did she taste?” The insidious question slips out of me, but the need of knowing is an instant obsession.
I’ve imagined it, many times. Every time she crossed and recrossed her legs while she read in the firelight, when she had the audacity to sass me about the library, when she knelt at my feet like she was born to it.
I’ve imagined her taste, her smell, the sounds she would make.
How pretty her lashes would look tangled with tears.
Lucien’s blue eyes darken, and I can see the lust and more than a hint of vindictive satisfaction lurking behind them.
“ She tasted like she wanted me.”
Releasing his wrist, I catch his shirt and tug, so he’s forced to bend down further over me. “ Tell me how wet she was.” Stroking down his cheek with my other hand, I ask, “ Did she soak that beard of yours?”
Lucien shivers, but he traps my eyes. “ Over and over.”
I was right—my sweet soldier is taunting me.
“ She wrapped her legs around my ears and grinded on my tongue. She begged me for more. She begged for my cock.”
Jealousy clutches at me. It’s not fair, not fair at all given my decision—but I’m furious that he had her and I did not.
That she had him , when I would let my soul expire to do the same.
My hand drops to the seam of his jeans where he strains against the thick denim.
I rub him roughly through the fabric, and he gasps in shock, bucking into my hand.
“ But you didn’t give it to her,” I croon.
I squeeze his length, just this side of painful. Lucien moans, then grits his teeth against the sound, clearly trying to control himself. Blue eyes flash defiantly at me. “ Her mouth was incredible, she let me use it twice.”
Of course she did. Lucien has a beautiful cock; she should worship it.
But only when I say she can.
My grip tightens, and he whimpers, tensing, but I see the submission sliding over him. The fight leaves his body, and he pumps into my punishing touch. Adrenaline thrums through me, pressure building in my balls. My heart stutters and twists.
What am I doing ?
I release Lucien as quickly as I grabbed him, ignoring the way my chest throbs, avoiding the devastation and humiliation crossing his face. I’m shaky, unsettled. Damn it, I know better than this. I decided against this. What happened to my control?
Kimchi and dimples. A toxic combination.
Forcing myself to relax—or at least seem to— I look up at the screens again, realizing with irritation that I’ve somehow skipped the camera ahead to present time, losing my place on yesterday’s feed.
“ Really , Jasper ?” Lucien’s voice trembles with hurt. “ What the hell are you doing with me? Will you make up your damn mind? Can’t you see that I want you?”
Shame has sharp teeth, it seems, and it minces my insides as I bring up yesterday’s feed from that camera on another screen.
“ Damn it, look at me . I deserve an explanation. What is it? First I thought you wanted Eden , but then you broke things off with her, and I thought maybe... But then, with Jayk , you pushed me away again, and I just—” Lucky lets out a hard, frustrated breath.
“ What is it? Is it that I’m a man? Because I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you’re indifferent to me. I —”
My fingers halt on the keys, and I can’t help but turn to stare at him, flummoxed.
“ What does you being a man have to do with anything?”
“ I —” His mouth opens, then clicks shut as he frowns at me. “ Doesn’t it?”
I quirk a brow at him, utterly at a loss to this turn in the conversation.
“ Was it me jerking off that gorgeous cock of yours that made you think I wasn’t interested in men?
Or me oiling you up and having you parade around as my most exquisite furniture?
” That was a particularly weak day for me.
“ Or was it the way I bent you over to see how you would take that hook up that pretty ass of yours?” I shake my head, disbelieving.
“ No . I wouldn’t change a thing about you, Lucien . ”
Color floods his cheeks again, but his pulse is hammering, and he has the look of a sub pushed almost to his limits. That look wrecks me, floods me with the need to protect him. The pain is only fun when I can make it better.
“ Then why ?” He thrusts his hand into his hair and grips it. “ Jasper , what is the damn problem?”
“ Why can’t you just leave it be?” I hiss. I rub my forehead, trying to fight against the urge to pull him into my arms.
“ Why ?” He laughs, and there’s a hysterical edge to it. “ God damn it, Jasper , can’t you see that I’m in love with you? I’d give you anything, everything you ask for. You want me too. I know you do. You have to.”
“ And what about Eden ? You want her, don’t you?” I snap, pushing out of the chair.
“ So ? I want you both. We could all have each other. I’m sure, if you apologize, she’ll—”
The single tear that slid off her cheek as I rejected her still scalds my skin.
I shake my head once, cutting him off. “ Just be with Eden , Lucien . She’s lovely—she’ll make you happy.”
“ No , Jasper .” His voice drops low. “ It’s not enough .”
I grit my teeth, hating the ring of truth I hear in that statement.
“ You’re attracted to her,” I say mildly, turning back to him when I’ve managed to gain control of my expression again. My heart gnashes against the cage I press it into.
“ She’s not a dominant, and neither am I . We can’t be that for each other.” Lucien glares at me. “ Not without you. We both need more.”
Panic makes my head light. “ You’re a switch, Lucien . I’ve seen you do it.”
“ Dominating isn’t the same. It doesn’t fill me,” he says, unrelenting. “ And I don’t think I can do it with her. Maybe it’s just been too long, or maybe I just realized I prefer being the submissive, I don’t know, but I couldn’t.”
No .
A mismatch in kink, especially one as fundamental as this, is devastating. It’s the reason my marriage failed. It’s the reason I gave Eden for turning her down—one that wasn’t the whole truth, but still a valid one. I sensed no deep desire for pain from her.
If Lucien can’t switch... if he doesn’t want to dominate.. .
His eyes find mine again, brimming with pain and confusion.
“ I couldn’t , Jasper . She’s gorgeous and funny and smart and she tastes like a dream.
With her, I can finally breathe again in a way I never could before, not even with you.
She could be my best friend, I could love her completely, easily, but that edge.
.. that thing, that takes me somewhere else, that thing that calms me, and makes me feel safe, and broken.
.. it just wasn’t there without you. I couldn’t help it.
I didn’t want to, but I just kept thinking how much I wanted you there with us, taking both of us for yourself.
I want her. I might even need her in a way you can never give me, but I need you too.
I need you to take control. I need to see her make you come.
She should be there next to me, both of us kneeling for you, and—”
“ Just shut up , Lucien ,” I snap, cutting off that drugging, impossible picture. Because it is far, far too easy to see. My Eden , crawling on her knees to me. Rewarding her with Lucien’s cock. Both of them, mine , to pet and hold and shatter as I like. “ It will never happen.”
There’s a long, terrible silence.
“ Why ? Just answer that, Jasper . I deserve to know why.”
The pain in his voice paralyzes me, and I loathe myself for putting it there.
Why ? The why would lay me naked before him. It would flay the flesh from my bones and leave me no place to hide. It might kill me to tell him why.
But I’ve tried everything else.
He’s right.
It’s time for Lucien to know it all.