25. Evan
25
Evan
I don’t know why I’m nervous. Evander has spent the weekend with me, and it’s not as if I’m staying with him for days, just visiting for a few hours. Ember was really cool about it. She had a lot of questions about who Evander is. I told her we met in a diner while I was traveling to Chicago and hit it off, that we keep in touch, and since he doesn’t live but a couple of hours from Essex , I wanted to see him.
I thought we might meet up for dinner or something, but he invited me to his house. Said something about not wanting to be around people.
Eastbrook is bigger than I expected. The drive was fairly easy, mostly interstate. His house sits way far back from the road. As I drive down the long driveway, I wonder if all of this wooded land is his. I suppose if you’re immortal, money piles up. Can’t say I blame him for choosing to live a more secluded life. The house, however, is understated. It’s a remodeled farmhouse, two-story, colonial architecture which is common for almost the entire eastern side of Virginia . It appears they stayed true to the style when it was remodeled, except a massive wrap-around porch has been added. The house is white, with ared door, and shutters. Decaying leaves that have fallen from the massive oak trees litter the lawn. The landscaping is much less refined than the structure of the house.
As I park, the front door opens, and Evander steps out onto the porch. He waits with his hands in his jean pockets as I get out and meet him on the steps. He’s barefoot and wearing a worn T -shirt.
“ Aren’t you cold?” I ask as I wrap my coat around me. “ It’s what…like forty out here!”
He smirks at me. “ Humans . Always worrying about the weather. I lived in Canada for a while. Virginia doesn’t know the meaning of cold.”
I laugh and shake my head.
“ Come in where it’s warm, my delicate flower,” he teases.
I punch his shoulder for that remark, to which he punches me right back, grabs the back of my neck and steers me into the house. Stopping in the foyer, I look over the open floor plan. “ Guess it’s not so colonial on the inside anymore.”
“ What ?” he asks as he takes my coat.
“ The house. It’s a colonial, but all the walls have been knocked down, giving the interior a modern style. A shame really.”
He stands next to me, planting his feet and crossing his arms. Looking slowly around the room, he nods. “ So you hate my home.”
“ No ! Shit ! I didn’t mean to imply that. I’m a purist. I hate to see any building lose its original structure.”
“ Well , it had these annoyingly small, perfectly square rooms. There were so many of them, the reception hall, a keeping room, a regular, and a formal dining room, and a living room. I’m one person. What do I need with that many rooms? I did keep the library, although I moved it upstairs instead of having four bedrooms.”
“ You did this?” I ask, pointing to the floor.
He steps forward toward the kitchen at the back of the house. “ Well yeah. A guy has to do something with his time. Wherever I decide to live for a while, I buy a house with good bones and remodel it. Keeps me busy when I’m not working. Want something to drink?”
I follow him and sit at the bar as he retrieves two glasses from the cupboard. “ Water is fine.”
He smiles and shakes his head. “ Alright but let me know if you want something stronger.”
“ It’s a two-hour drive back to Essex . Won’t be drinking.”
“ I meant something like tea or coffee. We’re having brown sugar and bacon glazed scallops for dinner.”
“ You’re cooking?” I ask.
“ Man’s got to eat,” he says, reminding me of our cooking lessons. “ You still eating takeout all the time?”
I take a drink of my water and smile. “ Nah . I cook the stir fry at least once a week. Figured out how to make a mean chicken parm, and well, you taught me how to cook the perfect steak.”
“ That’s my boy!”
“ I’ve tried a few other things. It’s not as easy as you make it look.”
He shrugs, opens the fridge, and takes out several items. “ I’ve had a lot more practice. I was just waiting until you arrived to start.”
“ You sure know how to show a girl a good time,” I tease while fluttering my eyelashes.
He cuts his eyes toward me. “ Fuck that shit! You’re in charge of mashing the potatoes.”
I laugh but slip off the barstool and join him in the kitchen.
“ After you drain them, the stuff is right there,” he says pointing to the items he just retrieved from the refrigerator. The potato masher is sitting next to them.
“ Green onions, milk, butter, sour cream, and cream cheese? I thought you just added milk for mashed potatoes.”
“ And this is why you need my help! Dude , if you’re going to make mashed potatoes, make them so damn good you’ll wake up in the middle of the night to eat them cold.”
I cringe at that, which makes him throw his head back and laugh. Just like that, I relax. He’s so easy to be around.
While I mash the potatoes, he works on everything else. During dinner, we catch up, more so on my life than his. He insists his life is boring, but I have a feeling he keeps a lot of things close to his chest. I’m still too intimidated to ask much. I mean, he’s immortal!
He reaches across the table and lays the back of his hand against mine. It means he is going to ask me something, and he wants to know my feelings as I answer him.
“ How’s Luke ?”
He doesn’t need to touch me because the smile on my face is so big, I’m sure it gives away everything. He smirks and cocks an eyebrow. “ Really now? Finally , let yourself freely love him?”
“ I do love him.”
“ I know you do, but I gotta say, all this joy you’re giving off is a whole lot better than the guilt you’ve been lugging around.” That sobers me a little. “ Oh , guess I spoke too soon. Don’t do that, Evan . Don’t let that shit consume you. What you have with Luke is a wonderful thing.”
I nod in agreement.
“ Oh ! You saw Rachel ?”
I furrow my brow. It still shocks the hell out of me every time he reads my mind.
“ That bad?” he asks.
“ Wasn’t at first. Hell , kissing her feels like my heart is swelling in my chest.”
“ You sure that feeling isn’t coming from your pants?” he jokes.
I smack the back of his hand away. “ Shut up!”
This time he grasps my hand in his. “ I wasn’t finished, yet.” But my thoughts scatter all over the place. Remembering walking away from her hurts.
“ Why does it hurt?”
“ She won’t apologize for breaking my heart. Well , she says she had to let me go.”
Evander leans back and crosses his legs, resting his wrist on his knee. “ What was her reason?”
I shrug and lean against the table. Our dinner finished a while ago, but the conversation has kept us here. “ She said I needed to go to Chicago and live my life.”
“ And ?”
“ And what?” I ask, a little frustrated.
He nods knowingly. “ Ah ! And she was right.”
“ No ! I mean, I was going to go to Chicago , but I wanted to make a promise to her. I loved her.”
“ You still do.”
I roll my eyes. “ Whatever .”
“ Hell , I don’t even have to touch you to know you’re madly in love with her.”
“ Luke has my heart.”
“ No , Rachel is in your heart. Luke is in your soul. You can’t act like the two of them are separate entities of your feelings for them.”
“ That doesn’t make any sense.”
Evander stands, stacking the dirty plates, and taking them into the kitchen. I wait while he comes back and gathers the rest of the dishes, then returns to fill the dishwasher.
“ So you’re not going to explain all that?” I ask.
He approaches the table and spreads his hands across the surface, ducking his head to look at me eye to eye. “ You couldn’t wait to get out of Wyoming . They knew that. Rachel knew that and was wise enough to know that you needed to walk your own path alone. It’s that whole, if you love someone set them free. If they return to you, they are truly yours, if not it was never meant to be.”
“ Do you really believe that?”
“ It’s true. You needed to live your life, make your own choices and mistakes. If you find your way back to Rachel , then she will know you truly love her.”
“ But she should know that already!” I insist.
He taps my cheek with the flat of his hand. “ A woman needs actions, not just words.”
“ I fucking proposed!”
“ Don’t you understand? You couldn’t find yourself if you weren’t free to make your own decisions…if you were tethered to her, or Luke , in Wyoming .”
I let my shoulders fall. “ But I am.”
“ Enough to move back and be with them?”
“ I can’t live there. You know that.”
“ And so do they, Evan . They love you in the way that you need, which is long distance.” I don’t know why that hits me in the gut, but my dinner feels like a boulder in my stomach.
He walks away, leaving me sitting at the table, in shock. I’m aware he is still in the room, sitting in a chair that faces the window, away from me, but I’m staring into the distance, letting his words sink in.
“ When you’re ready to hear the rest, let me know.”
But it takes me several minutes. I feel…shit, I feel bad for just walking away from Rachel like I did. I bury my face in my hands wishing I had been less of an asshole to her. But it still stings so sharp when I think about her giving me back that ring—the ring I gave to Luke …to give to her. Because I’m not in Wyoming . I’m not moving back to Wyoming , and I hate that truth. Which is why Luke needs to give them to her. It means I’m not going back to be with them. Is that what I want? I mean really want?
It’s too much so I push it to the back of my mind and join Evander in the living room, stretching out on his comfy sofa.
“ I’m ready,” I state.
He leans forward. “ The three of you are in love with each other. It is not about you loving Luke , or Luke loving Rachel . You love each other as one unit.”
“ But Luke and I aren’t with Rachel .”
“ Maybe not physically, but not one of you could cut the other from the bond the three of you share, no more than a tree can divide itself into three parts. Even if it is split down to the ground because your roots are deeply connected, so entwined and entangled that you can’t discern where one ends and the other begins. Luke , Rachel , and you are tethered forever.”
I close my eyes as the weight of what he is saying descends. “ Then what am I going to do? If I can’t be with them, can’t move back to Wyoming , then how are we going to be together?”
“ You really could never move back, just to be with them?”
I open my eyes to look at him. “ You know I can’t, and you know why.”
He leans back in his chair and takes a deep breath. “ God has a plan.”
“ What’s that supposed to mean?” I demand.
“ It means, I don’t know how, or when, but God wouldn’t create a love like the three of you have without a way for you to be together.”
“ Okay ! Someone is a romantic.”
He shakes his head and idly picks an invisible piece of lint off his shirt. I’ve never seen him uncomfortable, but it brings a thousand questions to my mind.
EVANDER
“ Admit it,” Evan says.
“ I don’t have to admit to anything.”
He sits up, suddenly very interested in our conversation. I , however, want to shut down the line of questioning he’s about to throw at me.
“ You’re thousands of years old. Surely you’ve been in love.”
“ I have.” No shame in admitting that.
“ With whom?”
“ Doesn’t matter.”
“ Why ?”
I look back in his eyes and tell him blatantly, “ Because they’re all dead. Long ago.”
A shocked expression crosses his face as if he wasn’t expecting that answer. He should because he knows I’m immortal.
“ I’m sorry,” he finally says, with sympathy in his voice.
I shrug. “ It is the nature of life and death.”
“ How can you just dismiss it like that? I mean you were really in love with them, right?”
I grip the arms of the chair. “ I’m not dismissing them, or what I felt for them. I’ve loved and lost, Evan , many times.”
“ When was the last time?”
I look at him with a sour expression, wondering if he is really going to pursue this when I so obviously don’t want to talk about it.
“ Recently ?”
I stand and walk to the window. “ No . Not remotely recently. Few hundred years.” I refuse to count. I can’t count. I can’t live with the number of days since I felt those feelings.
“ Aren’t you…lonely?” he asks, as if I couldn’t survive being alone. It’s just a reflection of how he feels. Loneliness scares him, even more than the judgment of his family.
“ I’m alone.”
“ How is that different from being lonely?”
“ I don’t allow myself to miss what I can’t have. When I need sex, I have sex. I need food, air, water, and the emotions of others to survive. Sex is a way to acquire that.” Not enough, but he doesn’t know that. He doesn’t know I feed from the dying.
“ Who do you have sex with?”
Exasperated , I swing around. “ Really ? That’s what you want to know?”
“ I want to know a lot of things about you. You’re the only immortal I know.”
I can’t help but smile a little. He’s adorably innocent sometimes. “ Well , if you must know, I usually have sex with my partner, Eve . It’s a great way to relieve the stress of our job, and sometimes things are really bad, Evan . So we lean on one another, but that is all it is, sex.”
“ Wow ! That’s kind of cryptic.”
It is, but it’s my truth.
“ Don’t you want more?” he asks.
I clench my jaw. “ No , Evan . I don’t.”
He looks puzzled. “ Why not?’
Why not. Why not? Is he serious? “ Because I get forever, but they don’t. Because you think losing someone over a broken engagement is hard, try losing them to death! I did that Evan . I did it more than once, and every time they leave this life for a Heaven I can never find, it cuts me to the bone, permanently. I’m tired Evan ! It hurts too much, and I already have too many wounds.”
He stands, moving closer as if he intends to touch me. Instinctively , I take a step back, which seems to wound him, so I plant my feet. It’s not as if he can access my mind and emotions, but still, intimacy given to me is uncomfortable to accept.
“ Can’t you…make them immortal too?”
And that question right there is why I never should have told him about myself! I want to lash out and tell him to leave, like I did before. Before I knew him. I scrub my hands over my face.
“ I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s irrelevant.”
I feel his hand land on my shoulder. “ But you could have forever with someone.”
I push him in the chest, only enough so his hand drops from my shoulder. “ I don’t want that!”
“ Why not? If I could have forever with Rachel and Luke … I would!”
“ You don’t understand. You don’t know…”
“ Know what?”
I hold up my hand and shake my head. “ That’s enough, Evan !” I bark at him.
He flinches.
“ You think being an immortal is some romantic destiny of living forever, and never having to worry about it ending, but everything around me ends. Yes ! Yes , I could make someone immortal too, but I don’t want to do that to someone I love. I didn't do it to them because I loved them too much to be what I am.”
“ Immortal ?”
“ Death ! I am a fucking reaper!” I yell.
I see it all over his face, the horror, and fear.
Shit ! What have I done?
I grasp the back of his neck to rip away the fear and horror.
“ Don’t !” he slaps my hand away. “ Don’t take away that memory from me.”
“ Evan , please. You don’t understand.” When I step forward, he steps back, stretching his arm out toward me.
“ Are all of you…there are more of you? Zephyr ?”
I hang my head. “ No , Zephyr is not a reaper. There are very few of my kind.”
“ You’re kind? Not Phayed ?”
“ No ,” I say balling my fists. I shouldn’t say anything more to him, but his soul calls to me. There is some connection I can’t resist. “ I’m a Blood Moon Phayed , also known as a Dream Reaper , but a reaper just the same. I help people cross over.” I chance a glance at Evan , whose face is drawn tight. Am I really going to confess everything? It’s a burden I bear constantly, and as the years pass it only gets heavier. The need to unload to this man is overwhelming. “ When they are dying, I know. I know when there is nothing that can be done to save their lives, so I reap their emotions, their every memory and feeling, unburden their souls so they can have peace should they go to Heaven . Some don’t get to go there, but they still can’t go to hell with anything good, including any of the good in their lives.”
Evan steps back slowly until he backs into a table causing the lamp to wobble. “ Were you coming for me? Is that why you followed me? Is that why you wanted me here? Am I supposed to die?”
“ What ? No ! Fuck no!”
“ But you said it was fate, that we were meant to meet.”
“ We are, but I don’t know the reason. I do know it’s not to help you pass to the other side.”
“ You can’t be sure.”
“ I am sure! I know. I always know when it’s someone’s time,” I insist. If he would just let me touch him.
He takes in a sharp breath. “ That’s why you’re an EMT .”
I nod, holding my hands up as if to keep from spooking him. “ Yes . I need to do this in order for me to survive.”
“ Do you…”
I know what he is about to ask. “ No ! My first concern is helping someone live, survive, saving their life, Evan ! I never want to cause someone’s death.”
“ Oh my God , Rachel ! Is that why you came that night when her father attacked her?”
I take a frustrated breath. “ No ! I came to help. I’m not a murderer. I help more than I have to take. But this is what I am, Evan . It is my purpose to help the dying find peace.”
“ You take their memories away from them? Forever ?” He looks as if he is going to bolt at any second.
I nod slowly.
“ How is that peace? If I couldn’t remember Luke , my sister, Rachel ? That’s horrible.”
How could I expect him to understand? “ I’m sorry,” I apologize for telling him. “ For what it’s worth, I don’t know why I am drawn to you either. I know only it’s not for you to die. I don’t understand why I feel the need to connect with you and tell you these things I never tell anyone. I’m just as confused as you.”
“ I doubt that.”
He’s right. I see it in his eyes. He’s going to run away from me. The truth is too much for a human to bear. I hold out my hand for him to take. “ I can make you forget all of this; forget I exist so you don’t have to live with my terrible truth.”
He grinds his teeth and shakes his head. “ No ! I think I’ll feel safer knowing what you are. So I know to stay away.”
I drop my hand. “ Now you know, Evan , why I am alone. Why I can’t have friends, or lovers. Why I can’t have forever with someone. I would never doom them to the existence I have.”
He turns the corner, and I follow. He is already pulling on his coat as he frantically tries to escape.
“ I’m sorry,” I tell him again. It’s for so many things. It’s for everything.
“ Don’t !” He shakes his head and his hand at me. “ Don’t find me ever again!”
I nod. “ If that is what you want.”
“ Never ! Don’t go to Rachel , or Luke , or anyone I love! Don’t hurt them…take them away from me.”
“ I promise, Evan . I will never take you away from them, never ever.”
He throws open the door and runs down my steps. I stay planted, watching him through the open doorway. He can’t leave fast enough, throwing his car from reverse to drive like he’s a race car driver.
I swallow it down, and it hurts like hell. I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I want my own peace, the one I give to everyone I touch.
EVAN
“ Evan ? Evan ?”
I blink and look at my sister. I think she knows I haven’t been listening. My mind is such a mess right now. I could use some time to think, but this is my last night in Essex before I fly home.
“ You’re a million miles away, tonight.”
“ Thanks for letting me use your car.”
Ember smiles at me. “ It’s not a problem. I gotta say, you don’t seem like yourself since you went to see your friend. Evander , right? You do realize your name is right inside of his name.”
What ? “ Uh , no. I hadn’t thought about it.”
“ You always overlook what’s right in front of your face.”
“ Sorry .”
“ For what? Evan , what happened?” she asks.
“ Ah , nothing.” I throw one of the pillows from my bed at her. “ Can’t we watch a movie in peace?” This is our last night in this hotel room together. The living quarters are a little too close, but I knew she would be happy to be out of her dorm room for a few days.
She throws the pillow right back at me, but I catch it. “ You throw like a girl, Sparky !”
She rolls her eyes at me and then moves from the bed she’s been lying on to mine. “ I am a girl, Doofus !” She makes herself comfortable next to me.
“ Did you have a nice visit?” she asks about Evander again, no matter how many times I try to avoid the discussion.
“ I don’t want to talk about it.” I don’t. Especially not with her.
She narrows those blue eyes at me. They match my own, but somehow hers are full of more life and light.
I cave and roll my eyes. “ Nothing , okay. He’s just not who I thought he was.”
She doesn’t respond, just continues to pierce me with her gaze.
“ You know what? I will talk about it!” Grabbing the remote, I switch off the television. “ Be careful who you let into your life. There are people out there…” How do I explain without telling her there are immortals walking around, and they are dangerous? She’ll think I’ve gone insane.
“ I have good instincts about people. You know, I don’t trust easily,” she reminds me.
I do know that. “ There is just a lot more to this world than you know. More than even I know, but the more I learn…the more unsettling it is.”
She lets her head fall to my shoulder. “ Maybe , but I really like what I’ve discovered so far. I don’t want to go back to being that person too scared to be myself. I mean, I still am most of the time but don’t try to convince me to move home. You’re the only reason I was allowed to go away to school.”
I take her hand in mine and lay my head against hers. “ I don’t want you to go back home. I promise I’ll do my best to keep Mom and Dad off your back. Just be really careful.”
“ You’re scaring me. What did he do?”
“ He didn’t do anything. It wasn’t something he did…it’s more about what he does. I can’t explain. It’s not something he would want me to share. Not sure I could explain anyway. I know our parents are very traditional, and that they don’t even want us to like things that aren’t real.” I make air quotes as I say it.
“ You mean like the time I wanted a stuffed unicorn and they sat me down to tell me they aren’t real so I should choose a stuffed animal of an actual animal?”
“ Yeah , like that,” I swear they have made my little sister’s life so difficult. She was so upset because she had her heart set on that white unicorn with the silver tail and horn. “ Just know that there is more out there than we know or understand.”
She pulls away and looks at me with delight on her face. “ Oooo , is he a vampire?”
I laugh and caress her cheek. “ Sorry , sis, Edward isn’t real.” She gives a fake pout. “ We were raised very sheltered, but that leaves us open to a lot of things we’re not prepared for, so keep your mind open, and your guard up.”
“ I know there is more out there than what we were raised to believe. I mean, can’t you feel it?”
She’s always been a dreamer, in love with fantasy and magical things. Dad says she has her head in the clouds. He thinks it’s a bad thing, but with Ember , it’s a beautiful thing. I nod. “ Yeah . I didn’t used to, but I do now. Maybe some of it is good, but some of it isn’t. I just want you to be careful.”
She gives me a reassuring smile. “ I will. I promise. I might be living on my own, but Mom and Dad still hold all the strings. They won’t let me date, and that at any time, if they feel I am doing anything except getting an education, I will have to come back home. So don’t worry. I’ll be careful for you, but I really have no other choice, if I want the chance to have my own life.”
I let out a heavy sigh. “ I hate the way they try to control you.”
She shrugs but looks away with a sad expression. “ Me too, but I don’t have any other choice. Besides , I’m used to it.”
She shouldn’t be, and I hate that she is. I wish I made enough money to help her out. Her tuition is covered by her scholarship, but living expenses are covered by our parents.
I pull her into my arms for a hug. “ You know I’m here anytime you need me. You can always come live with me.”
“ I know, but I’ll be fine.”
Somehow , I believe her. Deep down, I know she’ll find a way to have her own life. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop worrying.
“ Thank you,” she says softly.
“ For what?”
“ For spending Thanksgiving with me. I wasn’t looking forward to going home. Even though I had a project to work on, I didn’t exactly want to spend the holiday alone.”
“ Me either.” Our hug ends, and she smiles at me.
“ It’s been the best Thanksgiving I’ve had in a while,” she whispers as if our parents could overhear our conversation.
“ Me too!”
We settle back against the pillows, and I switch on the TV . Still seems weird to watch a Christmas movie when only yesterday it was Thanksgiving .
“ I dread being home at Christmas ,” she says.
I rub my knuckles over her hair, messing it up. “ Don’t worry Sparky . I’ll be there. I’ll protect you.”
Wrapping her arms around my ribs she sighs. “ I love you.”
“ I love you too.”