33. Rachel
“ We can’t just leave him there!” I insist as Luke hails a taxi. I feel punch drunk. Coming down from a high that included several incredible orgasms. On top of that, I have no words for the scene between him and Evan before everything exploded.
“ Of course, we can. He can get a taxi probably easier than I can.” Luke is pissed. Like protruding tendons in his neck mad, and I can see his pulse pounding.
And why did everything go to hell so fast? Did Luke not experience what was happening with him and Evan ? The two of them are so in love with one another. I swear if their lovemaking spawned a new universe, it wouldn’t surprise me.
I grab him by the arm just as a taxi pulls up to the curb. “ We have to go back in there and talk this out!”
Luke jerks his arm from my hand and ushers me into the backseat of the taxi. He gives the driver the address before we merge into the traffic.
“ Luke !” I snap at him. When he turns his blazing gold stare in my direction, I shrink.
“ What , Rachel ? How can you be okay with Evan’s latest fuck up?” His fingers clench and dig into his thighs. “ You act like you’re fine with what he did!”
Defeated , I slump into the seat. “ I don’t know what to think.” Everything happened so fast, came out of nowhere. “ Maybe Hugo was lying to rile you up.”
“ Haha ! If only. Motherfucker was quite pleased with himself. You weren’t there, the evening of his gallery show. He looked at Evan like a piece of damn meat. He was practically salivating. I don’t know what makes me more pissed: that he continued to pursue Evan about doing this painting, or that Evan actually got us to agree to do it!”
“ But he did it for you. Because he loves you.”
Luke cuts his eyes to me. “ That isn’t love! This is private! What we have is personal, special, important, and he just…”
“ Just what? Shared with the world what you have never wanted to deny in the first place? You have wanted the world to know about the three of us from the beginning!”
“ I never said that!”
“ But it’s the truth, isn’t it?” I ask.
He folds his arms over his chest, growls, and looks out the window away from me. “ Not like this.”
“ Then what did you have in mind, Luke ? Name one other way our relationship can be revealed to everyone without it having devastating consequences?”
He doesn’t answer me. Doesn’t say a word all the way back to Evan’s apartment. In the elevator, it’s borderline uncomfortable. The second we get inside the door, he storms to the bedroom, and I find him putting his clothes in our suitcase.
“ What are you doing?” I ask, standing in the doorway.
“ Leaving .” He disappears into the bathroom and returns with his shaving kit.
“ Our plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow.”
“ We’re getting a hotel room.”
“ We ?”
He turns to me. “ Yes , we. I’m not leaving you here after the way he used you in the worst way possible.”
“ Hold up! He didn’t use me. I wanted to do this.”
“ Really ? So did he tell you why we were doing this? The real reason?”
“ I didn’t know about that gallery space for you. But you and I both know that was only part of the reason. Evan needs a way to be transparent and open about our relationship because he can’t do that with his family.”
“ While also manipulating me in the guise of helping me.”
He disappears into the bathroom again. I sit on the bed and scoop up my things out of the suitcase. He stops in his tracks when he sees them sitting in my lap.
“ Why are you unpacking?”
“ I’m not leaving Evan . I want this last night with him.”
“ So you’re leaving me?”
“ No . You’re leaving us, Luke ! You’re acting like a petulant child.”
He narrows his eyes at me and tosses his stuff in the suitcase. “ Me ? Why ? Because I am trying to protect you? Because I’m pissed as hell that he used our sex life to quote, help me with my career ?”
“ No ! Because you and I both did this willingly with him. Yes , Evan had ulterior motives, but it was out of love for you, Luke . He’s right, your work does deserve to be shown, and that was what he was trying to do! Can’t you see how much he loves you?”
“ You call that love? Lying ? Manipulating ?”
“ We all do stupid things for love, Luke . You have walked out on this relationship in an effort to protect us, and that was stupid.”
He scoffs at me, slams the suitcase shut, and angrily zips it closed. “ Maybe it was stupid, which by the way, you’re welcome! If I had known that you thought me protecting you and Olivia was so stupid, I would have just announced to everyone at church that we were fucking. But at least I never exposed your naked body to a stranger and then proceeded to let him watch us fuck for personal gain.” He jams his finger toward the doorway. “ That is all on Evan , and I am not going to act like I’m okay with what he has done.”
“ And what was going on between you before Hugo came back in the studio?”
“ What are you talking about?”
As if! “ The way you two were making love. Hell Luke , it’s a wonder you both didn’t set the building on fire!”
“ That’s insignificant.”
“ Insignificant ? You don’t even see it do you?”
“ See what?” he asks, looking honestly confused.
“ That you and Evan are fated lovers, halves of the same whole. What the two of you have is the love people write books and create art about.”
“ Us ?” He touches my arm with hurt in his eyes. “ Rachel , we’re not complete without you.”
I sigh and close my eyes. “ I know that. I have something incredible with each of you, but the two of you…it’s otherworldly.”
His hand drops as does his head. He stares at his feet as his mind goes over what I have just told him. I hope to God he sees what I see, understands what is so glaringly obvious. They cannot live without one another. What they have is rare, miraculous, and deep.
Finally , he scrubs his hand over his face. “ It felt otherworldly, and then when he does something like this, it feels like our world is crushed to pieces. The tug-of-war with my emotions is killing me. He’ll never commit to us, Rachel . His latest decision just reminds me how our future doesn’t include being together. He’s always going to choose to do things his way in this relationship, and that means staying in Chicago and keeping our love a big dark secret. Well , except from the art world. Even then, we’re still just anonymous naked bodies on a canvas.”
Pulling the bag over his shoulder and taking the suitcase off the bed, he turns toward the hallway.
“ You can stay here if you want. I don’t really care. Guess I’ll see you at the airport, that is if you still want to come home.”
I stand up and toss my things on the bed. “ That’s not fair. Of course, I want to come home!”
He walks down the hallway like a man on a mission, which I’m sure is to get out of here before Evan arrives.
“ But I also want to be here with Evan . When are you going to realize how much I love both of you, that this is about the three of us, every time , Luke ?”
He whips his head around with an angry look on his face. “ When Evan Logan stops being selfish and sacrifices something to be with us! We do everything possible to be with him, but he will never move home, and he will never admit to anyone that the three of us are lovers.”
“ In love.”
“ What ?” he snaps.
“ That we are in love with each other.”
“ He can hardly admit that to himself, Rachel .” He opens the door and pauses. “ You know how to reach me if you change your mind. I’ll be at the Drake . You’re welcome to join me.”
I hardly believe it when the door snaps shut, and he has truly left. They are both so damn stubborn and so damn set on how things are supposed to be. I don’t think they really know what they want. It’s not to live together and out in the open in Alta , but it’s also not to live here, far away from everyone we know.
I sink to the floor and bury my face in my hands. I don’t care which they choose. I thought I wanted to protect Olivia from the gossips and judgmental attitudes, but how can I be a good parent to her, when I keep the loves of my life a secret from her and everyone else? Truthfully , we have turned a corner in our relationship. Being apart isn’t going to cut it. We have to figure out a way to be together, and open and honest about the fact that we are.
Fuck , if I know how that is even possible. I find myself just as frustrated as Luke . All I know is that we have to figure out how to make this work. Luke and Evan belong together, and I am so blessed that they include me in that love. I don’t want to lose that, lose either of them. Suddenly , I realize I want more than just to be with them. I haven’t wanted to entertain my thoughts that have been scratching at the back of my brain, but I want us to be a family. I want to be the mother of their children. Don’t we deserve that? After all these years apart, it’s the least we deserve.
EVAN
I’m dressed after finally pulling myself from that bed, but I’m sitting in this dressing room trying to decide if I have the balls to face Hugo or Luke . I can’t blame Luke for leaving. I can’t believe Hugo told Luke about our deal. I never wanted him to know I had made a bargain to get his photos in a gallery. If Hugo had kept his mouth shut, then Luke would have believed Hugo wanted to help because of his talent.
I hurl my shoe at the door. Why the hell do I even try? I just fuck it up!
The door slowly opens, and Hugo appears. “ Something wrong, chèr ?”
“ I think you know exactly what’s wrong!” I stretch and grab my shoe before putting it on my foot. It’s time I face Luke .
“ He would have figured it out eventually. I was attempting to be transparent.”
I get in Hugo’s face. “ Well , maybe next time, you should think about keeping some shit to yourself. Not everyone needs their feelings, intentions, and sex life exposed and hanging on the wall for everyone to see. I’ll be lucky if Luke ever speaks to me again.”
Hugo laughs and taps my face with his open hand. “ He could not resist you if he tried. I know true love when I see it, trust me. I’m pretty sure the two of you brought love to its knees earlier.”
I narrow my eyes at him and scowl. “ Trust you? I’ll never make that mistake again.” I push past him to the elevator and jam the down button with my finger.
“ The gallery space is still his if he wants it. The photos you sent of his work were incroyable . I believe my audience would welcome him with open arms.”
Fuck that! I know Luke will never change his mind so when the elevator arrives, I don’t even say so much as goodbye to Hugo . I just leave, deciding to walk home from his studio. It will give me time to think about what I’m going to say to Luke .
Only the long walk provides no solution, and when I open my apartment door, I find Rachel sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs, and her face hidden against her knees.
“ Siren ?”
She looks up, tears staining her face. I come to my knees and embrace her from behind. She turns her body and ends up in my lap, wrapping around me tightly.
“ Where did he go?” I finally ask.
She takes a deep shaky breath. “ To a hotel.”
Tilting her chin up, I search her eyes. “ Why ?” I ask, but I already know the answer. “ He’s not even willing to talk to me?”
She shakes her head.
Embracing her, I take a deep breath. “ I’ve really fucked up this time.”
“ But you didn’t. Your intentions were good even if your bargain was…”
“ Twisted ?”
“ I don’t know. I get it, Evan . I understand both sides.”
“ So you think he is right to be pissed?” I ask.
“ I think you should talk to each other about it.”
“ I just wanted his work to be out there. I know if the right people see it if the world can see it, then it will change his life.”
She takes my face in her hands. “ And what do you hope that means?”
“ What ?”
“ How do you envision Luke’s life changing?”
I shrug. “ Not sure. He would be well known. His work would be in demand. He would have the career he wants, doing something that he loves. He could travel the world and get the fuck out of Alta .”
“ That !” she says.
“ What about that?”
“ I think what’s really the issue here is that you’re trying to get Luke to leave his life and be a part of yours.”
That feels like a punch in the gut. I’m not sure I like her implication. “ I want Luke to be happy. I want everything for him. I love him.”
“ And you want him in your life.”
“ Of course, I do!”
“ But not enough to give up yours and return to Alta .”
“ How can you…? You both know I can never go home again. They would never accept our relationship. We need to be somewhere where no one is going to destroy our lives just because we love each other. That’s never going to happen in Alta !”
“ I know that.”
“ Then why would you even suggest it?” I ask her, not understanding her reasoning
“ I think Luke feels as if you’re trying to control his future in order to get what you want.”
“ Which is?”
“ For him to move here to be with you.”
“ I want you with us too, Siren .” I lean my forehead to hers. “ I don’t know, maybe. I just don’t understand why either of you wants to stay in Alta . The world is a big, beautiful place. There are places where no one would bat an eye at our relationship. Is it too much to ask for us to find a place like that to spend our lives?”
“ Of course not, but Evan , you need to say these things to us. Talk to us and we can make those plans together. You can’t manipulate events to make it happen. It’s not going to work that way.”
“ I’m sorry,” I tell her.
“ Don’t be. Not to me. But I think you should tell Luke .”
I nod and close my eyes as the sadness starts to take over. “ I wish I could have Evander make Luke forget all about what I’ve done.”
“ What ? Evander ?”
“ Nothing ,” I say dismissively.
“ Evander the EMT ?”
“ Yeah . We’re friends.” Well , we were until I stopped talking to him.
“ I didn’t know you kept in touch,” she says softly.
“ We ran into each other on my trip to move here. He listened, made me see things in a different light. I wish he could make Luke see that too.”
I take out my phone to call Luke .
My heart hammers in my chest as the phone rings and rings. When it goes to voicemail, I don’t know what to say. After a much too long pause, I simply say, “ I’m sorry, baby. I’m really very sorry.”
Letting my phone drop to the floor, I hug her close, intent on never letting her go. “ Don’t leave, Rachel .”
“ I’m not going anywhere. I want to spend this last night with you. We’ve lost so many.”
“ I mean ever. Stay here with me, please. I need you so much,” I plead.
“ I can’t,” she says softly, sadly.
I know she can’t, but I needed to ask. I wish they both knew how empty my life is without them. “ Will there ever be a way for us to live together? Be together. Like a….”
“ A family?” she asks.
I cup her face in my hands and kiss her lips lightly. “ Yes , I want us to be a family.” Then I pull back and shake my head as tears threaten. “ How could that even be possible? It’s never going to happen is it?”
She grasps my wrists and pulls my palms down so she can plant kisses in each hand. “ Evan ? I realized something today.”
“ What’s that?”
“ I want us to figure this out, how we’re going to be together because I want…”
She hesitates, leaving her words hanging in the air. I can see that whatever she’s about to tell me is huge. “ Tell me!”
“ I’m not getting any younger.”
I smile, confused. “ You’re not that old.”
“ But I’m in my thirties.”
“ So ? What does that have to do with anything?” I ask.
“ It means we have to figure this shit out and soon because I want…no, I need…”
“ Say it,” I urge as I lick her soft lips, willing them to open and spill out this desire she’s having trouble putting into words.
She wraps her arms around me in a fierce hug. “ I want to have yours and Luke’s babies, Evan . I want our love tied together and created into kids of our own.”
My heart must have just skipped several beats. A hundred maybe because damn, how I love the sound of that even though it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever considered. “ You’d have my babies?”
“ Yes !” she says with so much desperation there is no doubt how deeply she means it. “ I can already see them in my head, dark hair, dimples, and your beautiful blue eyes.”
“ Then everyone would know,” I say without thought.
She slips out of my tight hold and looks in my eyes. “ They would.”
“ That scares me.”
“ Everyone knowing that we have children, that the three of us are a family?”
“ The thought of never having that with you and Luke . That’s what scares me.”
She smiles and tears pool in her eyes before spilling onto her cheeks. Carefully , I wipe them away with my thumb and kiss her cheek.
“ We have to fix this, and get started with our happily ever after,” she says wishfully.
“ Aw , Siren .” I gather her as close to me as possible. “ I promise we will have our happily ever after. We will figure this out, somehow.”
I rock her in my arms as the sun begins to set outside the tall windows. I swear, I don’t need to eat or drink to live. I only need Rachel and Luke . That is all I will ever need.
“ Evan ?”
“ Yeah , baby?”
Looking into my eyes, she traces my lips with her finger. “ I don’t want to waste a moment. Make love to me all night, until I have to go.”
That I can do. I come to my feet with her still wrapped tightly around my body and take her to my bed. “ I need you too, all night, for every moment we have left.”
Setting her on her feet, we begin undressing one another. “ I wish it could happen tonight.”
“ Wish what could happen?” I ask. There is a twinkle in her eye that fills me with warmth.
“ Wish you could get me pregnant tonight.”
I kiss her lips softly before looking down her naked body. Lifting her up, I lay her down on the bed. “ Why couldn’t we?”
“ I’m on birth control.”
I nod in understanding. “ No matter what happens tomorrow, tell Luke about this, about what you want. I know he will want to give you as many babies as you want, just like me. He and I will work this out, eventually.”
Her hands slink down my torso and grasp my cock. She rolls it between her palms and then squeezes.
“ Soon ,” she says. “ You have to work this out soon. Tomorrow .”
“ I’ll try.”
Her knees lift, spreading wide. Her pussy blooms open before me. Taking my cock from her hands, I slide it through her slick folds. Memories of being with her and Luke spur my desire, but when I think about having a family with her, I feel weak. I want that dream so much.
I stretch my body over hers, notch my cock at her entrance and take her nipple in my mouth. Her fingers comb through my hair as she tilts her hips up in offering to me. I let my twisted dirty thoughts wash over my brain as I push deep, deeper, so deep inside of her that I leave this world. I’m back in the world where there is only love and passion. The world that the three of us have created together. The only thing missing is Luke .
Her entire body arches on a gasp. “ I love you,” she whimpers.
Slowly , I pull back. She pushes forward, not wanting me to escape, but when I thrust back into her molten core, we lose all sense of decorum and make love with abandon. I know without a doubt that she and Luke are my destiny, even without knowing how we will ever reach it.