Chapter Fourteen #3
I open the glove box and pull out my emergency cash, which is tucked into an envelope. There is a little over six hundred dollars, so I separate five hundred and hold it out to him.
His gaze drops. “That’s it?”
My final thread of patience snaps, and I pull the money back, Rowan’s hand following automatically.
“Valli, come on.”
“No,” I say firmly.
His hand drops. “What?” he asks in confusion.
“I was going to give you five hundred dollars, and the first thing that comes out of your mouth is that it isn’t enough.”
“I didn’t mean it like that. But I have nothing.”
“You have more than you deserve.”
His face darkens, but it isn’t like I wasn’t expecting it. This always happens when he doesn’t get his way.
“Don’t act like you’re better than me,” Rowan snaps.
“I don’t,” I say as I put five hundred dollars back into the envelope. “But I think I’m done being hard on myself because of you.”
His eyes widen when I hold out a hundred-dollar bill. “You’re seriously only giving me a hundred?”
“It will buy you a ticket and food.”
“And then what?”
I shrug. “That is no longer my problem.”
“If you hadn’t started fucking those freaks, none of this would have happened,” Rowan rages.
I slowly turn toward him. “You brought Steedy into our lives. This is all on you. I was kidnapped because of you, and those freaks, as you call them, saved me. They gave me the family I always wanted and protect me like you should have. Although they barely know me, they have done more for me than you ever have. Me and Leni.”
I climb out of the car, my eyes burning from crying. Rowan follows, slamming his door as I walk around the front of it and hold out the money.
“You’re abandoning me?”
“No, I am finally letting you go.”
He starts to cry, and I nearly lose my nerve. Then all the bad things he has ever done flash before my eyes.
“I loved you so much that I kept letting you hurt me because I thought loving someone meant never giving up on them,” I tell him quietly.
“I do love you.”
I shake my head. “No. You love having access to me. Love knowing I will clean up after you. You love having a sister who feels guilty saying no.”
“That’s not fair.”
“None of this was fair, but it’s how it turned out. I wish you nothing but the best, Rowan. I hope you have a good life.” I step closer and press the money against his chest.
His hand closes over it as he stares at me, anger and panic fighting across his face. His posture changes. His shoulders straighten, and his mouth hardens.
“You think those men are going to give you some happy little life?” he spits out.
“They’re monsters, Valli. One of them barely speaks.
One of them takes people apart for fun, and the other one digs fucking graves.
” He steps closer. “You’re going to wake up and realize you traded your family for three sick men who lied to you. ”
“No.” I hold my ground. “I chose three damaged men who never pretended to be anything else.” Rowan shakes his head, but I continue.
“I know exactly who they are because they have never hidden the worst parts of themselves. And on their worst days, they have never hurt me to make themselves feel better.” My chest aches as I think of them.
“They lied.”
“Yes.” A cleaner looks toward us, then quickly looks away.
“They lied about where you were, and I am angry about that. I don’t know how long it will take me to forgive them, or whether I can forgive every part of it.
But it was you who ruined that for me.” I wipe at the tears sliding down my face.
“You’re dead to me from this day forward,” I whisper.
Rowan flinches. The words are cruel. They are also the words he has said to me so many times before today when he didn’t get his own way.
His lips part, but I shake my head before he can speak.
“I hope you prove me wrong one day. But you will have to do it without me.” Then I turn and walk back to the car.
“Valli.”
I keep going.
“Valli, don’t fucking leave me here.”
My hand shakes as I open the door.
“You can’t do this!”
I get inside and lock it.
Rowan follows, slamming his palm against the passenger window, and my whole body jolts. For one terrible second, my finger hovers near the button, and I’m tempted to unlock the door. Then he hits the glass again, his face twisting with the same rage I have seen too many times before.
I start the car, and Rowan steps back, shouting something as I pull away from the curb.
The sobs that rip through me are so hard they physically hurt.
When I’m far enough away, I pull over to the side of the road and cry.
For the boy who held my hand at our parents’ funeral, for the brother who promised to look after me, for every version of Rowan I kept alive in my head.
Accepting he’s gone feels worse than letting the man he became go.
My shoulders shake until they hurt, and the windscreen blurs.
Eventually, I wipe my face and drive home.
I pull into the driveway, and the first feeling that hits me is that this is no longer my home. This is a place now filled with so many bad memories that the good ones don’t feel like they matter.
I make my way inside my old bedroom and sit on the edge of the mattress.
Cave made a choice that wasn’t his to make.
He decided protecting me mattered more than trusting me with the truth.
I lie back on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
A crack runs from one corner toward the light fitting.
I used to follow it with my eyes when I couldn’t sleep and imagine it spreading until the whole ceiling collapsed.
My heart aches thinking about Cave. To him, leaving is permanent.
People have abandoned him, thrown him away when they decide he is too damaged, and I walked away without telling him I would be back.
That hurts me more than leaving Rowan. Guilt twists in my stomach, and I reach for my phone, but I see there are no missed calls.
I stare at the blank screen. It should make me feel better that they are giving me space. Instead, dread crawls up my spine. Noa couldn’t go two days without rationing his messages when I first left, and Cipher checks the cameras when I roam the island.
I call Noa and it rings until it reaches his voicemail, so I try Cipher next and also nothing.
My heartbeat picks up, so I stand and pace the room as I call Cave, even though he rarely carries his phone and has never answered it.
It rings.
And rings.
It’s probably still a bit too early for them to be up, but I don’t want to stay away from them any longer.
I grab my keys, though I don’t know what I will say when I see them.
I’m unsure whether I will scream, cry, or make Cave sit in front of me while I explain every reason he can never do this again.
I am not going back to forgive him.
I’m going back because I love him. I love all three of them.