Chapter 23
One of Ida’s strengths, developed over the difficult last few years of her life, was that she was great at compartmentalising.
When her parents had needed her, she’d switched her old life off, moved home and navigated that transition because it was what she had to do.
Then, when they’d gone, she successfully stayed living in the house in Loddefjord without having a breakdown every time she came across something that sparked a memory. And that had made her stronger.
Now, she was painfully aware that when they left Voss, Erik was probably going to tell her he owned the island or something equally bad.
And she was happy to leave that aside for now.
This holiday in Voss had reminded her that the world was bigger than Lysg?rden, bigger than Bergen, and bigger than her family.
She loved them, but this was the first time she’d left Bergen in years without them, and the distance felt good.
There was extra space in her head for other things now.
She wasn’t sure what, but being away was like stepping off a treadmill she’d been on for years.
She thought she’d stepped off it by working for Mats, but really she’d stepped onto a new version of the treadmill she was already on.
Maybe now, when she went back, she could start building her life differently so that this space she’d created could still be there and be filled with something new.
When they got back to the cabin, Thea was pottering in the kitchen, making something that smelled delicious.
‘Do you have time for dinner before you leave?’ She was sipping a bottle of beer while she stirred something on the stove.
‘I hope so,’ Erik said. ‘That smells so good.’
‘If we pack now, we can eat before we leave,’ Ida said.
‘What have you been doing?’
‘We went on a bike ride,’ Ida said.
‘Did you?’ Thea raised her eyebrows in surprise.
‘Yep. And took a dip in the lake,’ Erik said, sneaking a look at Ida, who couldn’t stop herself blushing.
‘Okay. You have twenty minutes while I cook the rice.’
Erik announced he was going to jump in the shower, and Ida helped herself to one of Thea’s beers.
‘I’ve made an appointment to look at a house,’ Ida told her sister.
‘Where? In Bergen?’
‘In Sandviken.’
‘Oh, lovely. Will you have a spare room for a homeless sister?’
Ida laughed. ‘Yes, unless Emil’s staying over.’
‘I don’t mind sharing with Emil. Fred said they’re going over to see Kristi in a couple of weeks.’ It was always like this when they hadn’t talked in a while. The conversation veered all over the place as different things to catch up on occurred to them.
‘It makes me so nervous. Emil needs to see his mother, but it’s hard on all of them.’
‘Fred should draw a line under it. I can’t believe they’re still married.’
‘He’s doing it for Emil,’ Ida said.
‘I know. But Fred deserves better than that. They both do.’ Thea turned the rice down to a simmer and sat at the table with Ida. ‘So you enjoyed the bike ride?’
‘Yes. I was a bit rusty.’
‘It must be twenty years since you rode a bike. It’s definitely that long for me.’
‘Exactly!’ she laughed. ‘Erik loved it. He was trying to be gentlemanly, letting me set the pace, but once there was a hint of speed going downhill, he sailed past me.’
‘He’s probably really competitive. I googled him this afternoon. I had no idea he was famous.’
‘In the snowboarding world, maybe. And someone stopped him yesterday because they knew who he was. It’s so funny.’
‘It’d be interesting to know what his family research is about. We might end up being related.’
‘I don’t think there are any Olsens in our family tree.’
‘Isn’t his name Anderson?’
‘Yes. No Andersons either.’ Ida didn’t think she had time before Erik got out of the shower to get into the detail about the torn letter she had and how Erik had mentioned a letter last night.
Thea deserved to know, and it would have been good to get a second opinion on the chances of Erik’s letter being the other half of her letter, or whether it was an enormous leap to assume that.
‘Well, that must be a relief for you,’ Thea said, grinning and raising an eyebrow.
‘He’s leaving in a few days so that will be the end of it anyway,’ Ida said.
‘Really? You’re not going to try it long distance and see what happens?’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘It’s probably for the best. Love hurts. Better not to prolong the agony.’
‘I’m not in love with him, Thea.’
Her sister gave her a look of disbelief. ‘Tell me that in a couple of weeks when he’s left and you’re heartbroken. It’s okay to be in love. It’s the best thing in the world when you are. When they are.’
‘I’m so sorry about you and Henrik.’ Ida suddenly felt bad that they hadn’t got into how Thea was feeling about her own heartbreak.
‘I’m okay. Through the worst.’
‘How could you not tell us?’
‘I’m sorry. It’s hard when we don’t see each other. I forget how easy it is to talk to you. It’s been great having you here these past couple of days. When it’s been a while, I get into my own world. I’m used to dealing with things by myself.’
‘You don’t have to. Even if you don’t want to come back to the house, at least get a place in Bergen. You can’t live in the cabin forever. It doesn’t look like anyone lives here. The only sign was that the bed was made.’
‘I know. I always worried that Fredrik would decide to bring Emil when I was here. I didn’t want to make a big thing of it.’
‘Where’s all your stuff?’
‘It’s boxed up at Henrik’s. He wants it out, but he’s too ashamed to make a stand over it, which has worked out for me.’
‘At least get that sent to Loddefjord. It draws a line under it for you.’
‘Okay, I will. Thanks Ida. I wish I’d told you before.’ Thea gave her sister a hug.
‘Let’s make sure we stay in touch more often.’
‘That smells so good,’ Erik said, coming out from the bedroom with his hair sticking up every which way after being rubbed dry.
‘I’ll take a shower and pack,’ Ida said.
Erik’s bag was packed and leaning up against the wall next to the door in the bedroom.
He’d left the top of his pack open, and she used a finger to lift the flap aside.
She had a feeling he might have brought that document wallet with him.
It would be so easy to look, then she’d know what to expect when she finally confronted him about it.
A clatter followed by a laugh came from the kitchen and reminded Ida that everything would be so much worse if Erik caught her snooping in his bag. She could wait.
Before she showered, she pulled some clean clothes out of her own bag, stripped off the clothes she’d been wearing, then shoved them in with the few other things like her phone charger and toothbrush. She showered quickly, then joined the other two in the kitchen where Thea was dishing up.
They ate their meal while Erik asked Thea about her job and what it was like living in Tr?mso.
She asked him about his snowboarding, something that Ida had avoided in case it was difficult for him to talk about, but he didn’t seem to mind, and it was interesting learning more about what his life had been like before his accident.
‘I bet you could cross-country ski,’ Thea said.
Ida almost intervened and said she doubted he’d be able to when he’d had enough trouble climbing the steps in the garden at Loddefjord, but then she realised they’d been on a long hike yesterday and done the cycle ride today and Erik hadn’t mentioned that his leg was sore.
‘I guess I could try. It’s not that popular at home.’
‘You’ll just have to come back to Norway then,’ Thea said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
‘I’m sure I will.’ He looked at Ida as he said it, and she tried not to think about what he meant.
Believing that he might come back was something she didn’t need.
She wanted it to end well between them, but she needed to draw a line under things so that she could move on without another loss holding her back.
They said their goodbyes to Thea and strolled down the hill to the train station in the golden light of the evening. Erik took her hand and slid his fingers between hers. Every time he did felt like the first time. Like electricity. How was it possible that was still happening?
‘Why don’t you come back to mine tonight?’ she said.
‘You’re sure?’
She nodded. The letter was all she could think about now. They needed to talk, and they couldn’t do that at the hotel.
The train journey was beautiful. The sun cast its golden light on the lakes and mountains before they entered the long tunnel on the approach to Bergen, and Ida tried not to think of it as mirroring the last moments of her and Erik.
These didn’t have to be the last moments.
He wasn’t leaving yet, but she had a feeling that things would change once she knew the whole story.
Back in Bergen, they took the bus to Loddefjord.
‘Hei!’ she called out in case Mats and Lotta were in, but there was no answer and no sign that they were home.
‘It’s so quiet without everyone here,’ Erik said.
‘It was like this most of the time before Mats moved back, and when he and Lotta move out it’ll be like this again.
It’s the right time for me to find somewhere else to live.
’ The thought of being here alone again was something she hadn’t realised she was dreading until now.
It would be like going back a year to the dark time between her parents dying and Mats moving back.
It was only looking back that she recognised how lonely she’d been.
Somehow, in her own home, she didn’t think it would be the same.
If she had somewhere to make into a home, like the yellow house she’d made the appointment to see, it would always feel like hers in a way this house never could.
She’d be putting down her own roots instead of being entwined in someone else’s.
Erik sat at the table while Ida made them a drink. She would have liked to have a glass of wine in her hand for what was to come, but it was getting late and perhaps it was better to stick to soft drinks to help avoid any excess of emotion.
‘I want to ask you about your family research,’ she began.
‘Ida, I have wanted to tell you about it since I first got here.’
‘Why didn’t you?’
‘It’s complicated.’
‘That’s not an answer, Erik.’
He sighed. ‘Because I feel like once you know, things will change between us. Once we knew each other, it was hard to find the right time.’
That’s what she had assumed. But it also meant her worst fears about what he might be about to reveal were probably correct.
‘This is the time.’
‘Okay. I wasn’t lying to you. I came here to research my family.’
There was suddenly so much to say that she needed Erik to hear before she heard his story. Before it was too late to have her Erik, the man she’d spent the past handful of days with, to tell.
‘Wait. Before you carry on, I have to say some things.’ She looked him right in the eye.
‘I’ve loved being with you. Every single moment has been amazing.
You’ve taken me out of myself and made me see myself differently.
I’ve found parts of myself that I’d thought were lost. And I feel ready to move on now, like I’m doing it for me, not because everyone else is ready and I have to go along with it. ’
‘I’ve loved every moment too, Ida.’ He leant his elbows on the table, took her face in the palms of his hands, leant forward and kissed her.
It might have been the best kiss they’d shared, but Ida knew it was because it was the last kiss.
She committed it to memory with all the others.
With the images of him glistening with water as he emerged from the fjord.
The way he slept so serenely, almost with a smile on his face these past few nights.
The way he made her feel when she was in his arms, like she was always meant to be there.
Him saluting her with a half-smile the first time they met.
Because now she had to distance herself.
The real reason he hadn’t told her the story was that he knew it would drive them apart.
And whatever he said next, she would always take the side of her family.
She had to. But she would always be glad that she and Erik had this time together.
That they had helped each other be a little less broken than when they’d met.