Chapter 19 Ressa #2
"Actually, they do." Shae moves closer, her presence solid and comforting. "Trauma doesn't follow linear paths, honey. You can make progress and still have setbacks. That's normal."
"It doesn't feel normal. It feels like I'm drowning and taking Falla down with me."
"Does he make you feel like you're drowning?" Saela asks. "When you're together, not counting that morning—does being with him make things worse?"
I think about the past week. About Falla's steady presence during my panic attacks, the way he never pushed for more than I could give, his dry humor and quiet competence. The safety I felt learning to trust him gradually, bit by bit, until I trusted him with everything.
"No," I whisper. "Being with him made things better."
"Then why push him away?"
The real answer sits heavy in my chest, too terrifying to speak aloud. But Saela's watching me with those knowing gray-green eyes and Shae's radiating maternal patience and I'm so tired of carrying this alone.
"Because I fell in love with him." The admission comes out barely audible. "And that scared me more than anything else."
Both women go still. Then Saela's face softens into something that looks like understanding mixed with sympathy.
"Oh, Ressa."
"I didn't mean to." The words tumble out faster now, desperate to be heard.
"I was just trying to get through the week.
Trying to prove I could function again. And he was so patient and kind and safe and somewhere between the hunting and the games and teaching him to make rainbows I just.. ." I gesture helplessly. "Fell."
"And falling felt dangerous," Shae says gently.
"Falling felt like giving him power to destroy me.
" I press my palms against my eyes, trying to hold back tears that want to come.
"The Stonevein males took everything from me.
Every bit of control, every ounce of dignity, every moment of safety.
And I survived that by promising myself I'd never be that vulnerable again. "
"But you were vulnerable with Falla," Saela says.
"Completely. Totally. In ways I never thought I'd be able to be again." My voice cracks. "And I woke up terrified that he'd use it against me. That being in love meant belonging to him in ways I couldn't take back."
"Ressa." Shae's hand finds my shoulder, warm and grounding. "Falla would never make you feel like you belong to him. That's not who he is."
"I know that. I know that. But the fear doesn't listen to logic, remember?" I drop my hands, looking between them. "So I panicked and pushed him away before he could... before I could..."
"Before you could be happy," Saela finishes quietly. "Before you could have something good because some broken part of you still believes you don't deserve it."
The accuracy of that statement steals my breath. "Maybe I don't. Maybe I'm too damaged to—"
"Stop." Saela's voice turns sharp. "I've watched you survive things that would have broken most people. You are not too damaged for happiness. You're just scared."
"Being scared is normal," Shae adds. "Especially given what you've been through. But running from it won't make the fear go away."
"I don't know how to not run." The admission feels like failure. "Every instinct tells me to hide. To protect myself. To not give anyone power to hurt me again."
"But Falla's not just anyone." Saela leans forward, her gaze intense. "He's spent weeks proving he's safe. That he respects your boundaries. That he'll wait as long as you need and never push for more than you can give."
"Which is why pushing him away hurt so much," Shae says gently. "Because you know what you lost."
I nod, unable to speak past the tightness in my throat.
"So what are you going to do about it?" Saela asks.
"I don't know. What if he doesn't want me anymore? What if I hurt him too badly?"
"Ressa." Saela takes both my hands, her grip firm and grounding. "That male is absolutely miserable without you. Trust me—if you show up and tell him the truth, he'll listen."
"But what if I panic again? What if I wake up scared and push him away and keep doing it until he's had enough?"
"Then you talk to him about it," Shae says. "You tell him what you're afraid of. You let him help you through it instead of facing it alone."
"That's what partnership means," Saela adds. "Not being perfect. Just being honest about your fears and working through them together."
I want to believe them. Want to believe I can have this—can have Falla and safety and love without my trauma destroying it all.
But the fear still sits heavy in my chest, whispering that I'll fuck it up again. That I'm not strong enough or healed enough or brave enough to deserve him.
"What if I'm not ready?" My voice comes out small. "What if I need more time?"
"Then you tell him that." Saela squeezes my hands. "But you don't run. You don't hide. You give him the truth and let him decide if he wants to wait."
"He'll wait," Shae says with certainty. "That male would wait years if that's what you needed."
The conviction in her voice makes something crack in my chest—some wall I've been maintaining through sheer force of will. Tears finally spill over, hot against my cold cheeks.
"I love him," I whisper. "And that terrifies me."
"I know." Saela pulls me into a hug, her arms strong and familiar. "But you're brave enough to be terrified and still choose him anyway."
"Am I?"
"You survived the Stonevein," she says fiercely. "You can survive being in love."