James 12
James
We all fall silent, and I set my anger to simmer.
Warner has turned toward the window, his body backlit in the rising light. I can see the tension in his shoulders, in the hard set of his jaw. The closer we get to the baby’s due date, the tenser he gets.
“My wife needs to rest,” he says into the silence. “She needs as much peace as I can offer her. Considering our current circumstances, Nazeera’s empty, unoccupied house is one of the few places secure enough to double as a meeting place. I won’t discuss it again.”
Kenji sighs.
He raises his arms above his head in a slight stretch and I catch Nazeera staring at him, tracking the minor lift of his shirt, lingering on the muscled lines of his body.
Kenji was always built like a beast, but in the wake of their breakup he threw himself into the gym twice as hard.
Technically, it’s Nazeera’s fault he’s in the best shape of his life.
And when she finally feels the weight of my narrowed eyes on her she startles, looks mortified, and retreats into a cobwebby corner.
I lean back against the kitchen counter on an irritated exhale.
I don’t feel even remotely close to calm.
Despite Juliette’s unrelenting optimism, we all know she’s in a precarious position; the doctors have confirmed it. She might not be on bed rest anymore, but her body has been at war since the start of the pregnancy.
Her little accidents are scarier than they seem.
Juliette spent most of her life not knowing how to control the on/off switch that activates her lethal powers, but she’s had it mastered for over a decade now.
Forgetting how to moderate her power is like moving backward in time.
If she loses control altogether, the consequences could be dire.
If she loses control while giving birth—
No one knows exactly how this is going to end.
Warner doesn’t want to give her every detail about what’s happening right now; he gives her the broad strokes, but he’s worried that recent events have been putting too much pressure on her, throwing her further off balance.
The baby could be born any day now—and we don’t know what will happen when she goes into labor.
If she goes into labor.
I close my eyes. My heart won’t stop hammering.
Nazeera’s been taking on more and more of Juliette’s responsibilities. Kenji is driving himself into the ground. Warner is shouldering crazy weight.
I was literally putting out a fire yesterday.
We’ve all been working too much.
There’s been too much darkness; too few hands to hold up the world.
I’m trying to get myself under control, but my feelings are all over the place.
My head has gone dark.
Right now I’m staring at the door across the hall, the one I know belongs to Rosabelle, and I’ve gone staticky again, like there’s faulty wiring in my system.
I’m not allowed to go in her room.
Obviously.
“Don’t you dare,” Kenji says, turning to me. “Don’t even think about it. I’ll tackle you to the ground if you so much as take a step in that direction.”
“I’m not,” I say, but my voice is raw, used up. I don’t even know if I’m lying. “I won’t.”
I’m still staring at her door. I can’t get this static out of my blood.
“James.” Warner this time.
“Did you get her a bed?” I ask.
No one answers me.
“Nazeera.” I feel like I’ve been shaken too hard, like I might suddenly explode. “Did you get her a bed?”
“James, c’mon,” she says, exhausted. “Are you serious? Do you really think that’s a reasonable question? Have you been listening to anything we’ve been talking about? Do you even understand how much pressure we’re all under right now—”
I finally fucking lose it.
“You think I don’t understand the pressure we’re under?” I cut her off. “I’m the only one who seems to understand the pressure we’re under—”
She recoils. “How can you say that—”
“I’ve known something was wrong for months,” I shout, turning on her. “I knew something bad was building, that something worse was coming—but no one wanted to hear it. No one would take me seriously. You think I wanted to launch a solo mission into the Ark? All alone, no cover, no support?”
I take a step forward. I’m talking to everyone now.
“You really think I thought an operation like that was a joke? Do you have any idea how hard it was to pull that off? Months of planning. Meticulous coordination. No, everyone thinks I’m a fucking idiot.
I knew full well that I might get killed, or worse—that I might end up spending the rest of my life in one of their prisons, being tortured to death.
I did it anyway because I needed to do something.
Because I knew something was wrong and we were running out of time.
They were slaughtering our kids and I couldn’t fucking take it anymore—”
“James—Wait a second—”
“And then I brought Rosabelle home because I knew, for reasons I couldn’t fully explain, that she’d prove to be an asset—and all anyone did was shit on me.
Make fun of me. Call me an idiot and tell me to get my head checked.
I apologized, over and over again, like a fucking doormat, and I hate that I let you all get into my head.
I always let you get into my head. I call myself an idiot all the time, using the words you taught me to use on myself—because even when I know what I’m doing, you make me doubt myself.
I risked my life, over and over again, just to get everyone to fucking listen to me, but it made no difference.
It doesn’t matter what I do, no one treats me with respect.
No one acts like I have a working brain in my head—”
“Hold on, that’s not fair—”
“I’ve been drowning in blood all my life, but if I make a few jokes to lighten the mood and give myself a reason to live, suddenly I’m irresponsible.
A clown.” My heart is battering my ribs.
My nerves are destroyed. “You want me to take things seriously? Done. Consider this a warning. I’m finished taking your shit.
Call me an idiot one more time, I fucking dare you. ”
Kenji looks stunned. “James—”
“Don’t,” says Warner. “He’s right.”
Everyone turns to look at him.
“It’s true,” Warner says, his eyes both hard and steady as he looks at me.
“It’s all true. You’re the only reason we have a chance to fight what’s coming for us right now.
You took risks I didn’t agree with, but your reasons were worthy.
And you saw something vulnerable in Rosabelle when the rest of us couldn’t.
You fought to keep her alive when I was ready to kill her.
You risked your own life to get us to listen.
We all underestimated you. I made mistakes.
You were right about all of it. Rosabelle is now the only resource we have against possible annihilation, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful to you.”
His jaw tightens as he takes me in, assessing me.
I cross my arms.
I know there’s a but coming.
“But we didn’t do this to you,” Warner says evenly.
“I know you’re suffering. I know how you feel about her.
But the people in this room didn’t take Rosabelle away from you, not this time.
She’s beyond reasoning; she will not change course.
I understand your pain, but you’re lashing out at the wrong people, and I would strongly advise you to stop.
Now. Walk away before you say something you’re going to regret. ”
“Wow,” I say softly, allowing a moment to let his speech settle.
I laugh, the sound dark and bitter. “You think this is me lashing out?” I turn fully to face him.
“I strip back my skin to show you an inch of my real feelings and you think I’m lashing out?
I’m asking whether she’s had food to eat and a bed to sleep in, and you think this is me lashing out? ”
“James—”
“I tell you I’m sick and tired of being treated like shit by the people who matter most to me in the world, and you think I’m lashing out? You’ve never fucking seen me lash out,” I say furiously. “This isn’t me lashing out, this is me trying to have a conversation—”
“Fine.” Nazeera cuts me off angrily, matching my temper.
“You want to have a conversation? Let’s have a conversation.
I agree with Warner. You’re right that we’ve immortalized you as a child, and at great cost to ourselves.
Sometimes it’s difficult to remember that you’re not some precocious little kid anymore, and I promise we’ll do better.
” She stabs a finger into her chest. “I’ll do better.
But right now, your priorities are confused.
You’re blinded by this situation with Rosabelle.
You’re fixated on things that aren’t critically important—”
I turn on her. “Warner just admitted that Rosabelle is the only resource we have against possible annihilation, and you think being concerned about her health and well-being isn’t critically important?”
“I think you’re blowing it out of proportion—”
“I think you’re telling me, once again, that you think I’m stupid, when I’m trying to explain to you that she won’t eat if you don’t put the food in front of her. She’s literally traumatized—”
“Bro, c’mon,” Kenji says, shaking his head. “Enough. We’re all traumatized. This conversation is traumatizing me right now. I think you should take the rest of the day off—cool down—”
“No,” I say, pointing at Kenji. “And you know what? This whole situation is your fault. If it weren’t for you, we wouldn’t even be in this fucking mess—”
“Me?” He draws back. “What the hell did I do?”
“You let her live like this,” I shout at him.
“What? Who?”
Warner stiffens. “James—”
“Nazeera,” I say angrily. “She lives in this cold, lightless shithole because of you. She doesn’t own a trash can because of you.
She won’t buy groceries because of you. She won’t get a couch because of you.
Because you never moved forward together; because she’s still hoping you might change your mind—”
“James.” Nazeera is sounding panicked.
Kenji takes a step forward. “What the hell are you talking about?” He looks at Nazeera. “What the hell is he talking about?”
“Nothing,” she says frantically. “James isn’t feeling okay—James needs to take a break—”
“James is feeling fucking fantastic,” I shout back. “James has never felt fucking better.”
I might actually be losing my mind.
“What is going on?” Kenji demands.
“James—” Warner tries again.
“Why won’t you take her back?” I yell at Kenji. “She said she tried to get back together with you but you weren’t interested. Why would you say that when we all know you’re still in love with her—”
“Stop.” Warner’s voice is sharp. “I’m warning you to be careful—”
“Fuck being careful,” I say. “You two are standing right in front of each other—you both love each other—and you’re refusing to be together? Fuck that. Fuck you both. You’re being wasteful. You’re being ungrateful—”
“Okay, now you’re pissing me off,” says Kenji, looking agitated. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, okay? The situation isn’t that simple.”
“Then explain it to me.”
Nazeera shrinks back. “James—”
“NO,” I shout. “I want a real, reasonable explanation why you two can’t make it work. I want to know why you both spend all your time being heartbroken over someone who actually loves you—someone standing right in front of you—”
“I asked her to marry me,” Kenji cries.