Chapter 14
The captain instantly looked embarrassed, frowning and leaning back in his seat. Withdrawing. His expression shifted to neutral, as though he was preparing himself for the rebuff he was expecting.
‘It’s none of my business.’
‘No. It’s completely fine,’ Hannah said. Only a few days previously she’d believed she would never be able to talk about what had happened with Ian, but now there was nothing she wanted more than to pull herself from the wreckage of what had been and begin to move forwards.
‘It’s really not,’ he said, glancing away.
Hannah felt the absence of his gaze like passing clouds covering the sun and surprised herself by saying, ‘Louis, look at me. It’s fine. I would like to explain.’
With his gaze back in place, she slowly unburdened herself.
This time without the emotional overload she’d felt when she told Ruth.
Her detachment from Ian still seemed wrong, even after everything he’d done – but somehow the expression on Louis’ face, calm and patient, was something Hannah wanted more than having to think about what was waiting for her at home.
When she was done, Hannah waited for Louis to pass judgement or at least offer advice like Ruth had.
‘I nearly got married once,’ he said.
Not what she’d expected. Was he about to make her situation all about himself?
‘We were probably way too young,’ he said, ‘And although I’d been thinking about it, about asking her, we weren’t even engaged when we broke up – so not at all like your situation, as it turns out.
But what I wanted to say is I understand a little of how much it hurts when someone you love that much leaves your life.
Especially when they destroy trust in such a massive way.
’ Louis frowned, studying her before he added, ‘It broke me, when Annie left me for someone else. I hid away for months afterwards. Not sure I ever fully recovered if I’m being totally honest. What I’m trying to say is I think you are incredibly brave to have taken this trip, knowing what it could have meant to you. ’
Hannah gave a wry smile. ‘Actually, I couldn’t get my money back – stupidly I forgot to take out holiday insurance; can you believe that? So, I didn’t really have much of a choice.’
‘’Course you did.’ Louis frowned, the expression only making his face more interesting. ‘Anyway, I’m really pleased you’re here.’
‘Didn’t want an empty cabin on your first trip as captain?’ she said with a dismissive laugh.
‘No. It’s nothing like that.’
‘Why are you so pleased, then?’ Hannah knew she was making the situation difficult for him, wasn’t sure why she was, except that she could feel rising panic about what might happen if he said any of the things she wanted him to.
He shifted in his seat. ‘It’s nothing to do with my role on board, or you being a passenger.’
‘What then?’
His eyebrows meshed as he stared at her.
‘Can’t you work it out, Hannah?’
He extended a hand, and Hannah thought he might be about to touch hers. She wanted him to, but she didn’t want him to – in case she couldn’t cope with how it might make her feel. She couldn’t cope with any of this. So, she sat back, moving out of reach.
‘No, that’s why I’m asking.’ Pressing her lips together she watched his expression, wondered what he would do next. Expecting him to think better of the direction the conversation was travelling, to finish his latte and scarper. Hoping he didn’t.
He pulled in a deep breath. ‘Don’t worry about it. Timing wasn’t ever my best attribute. Ignore me. I’ll let you get on.’
He stood and Hannah clambered to her feet, too, wishing she hadn’t made it so difficult for him, but with no idea how to turn this around and tell him that now they were standing she really wanted to move close against him and feel his body against hers…
‘Would you like to come to dinner?’ he said, suddenly, and Hannah smiled – a cosy dinner, that would be a far better opportunity to get closer to him.
‘I would,’ she said. It would give her more time to get a grip on her flip-flopping thoughts, too.
‘I’ll get Martin to send you an official invitation,’ he said.
Official invitation? For the two of them to have dinner? Her expression must have matched her thoughts.
‘For a Captain’s Dinner. It’s another of the things I do, alongside the Q&A craziness. There are usually twenty, maybe thirty or so hand-picked passengers, and some of the other officers, that’s all.’
Hannah tried not to let her expression falter too much. Twenty or thirty others, plus more of the crew?
‘Sounds wonderful,’ she managed to say, forcing herself to smile. She’d royally messed this up. He was back to his professional self, and she couldn’t blame him.
‘Any special dietary requirements?’ he asked.
‘No.’
From the Crow’s Nest, Louis took a circuitous route through the rest of that deck, then headed down to what was referred to as ‘Main Deck’, where the bustle of people during a sailing day would most likely be.
There were shops, restaurants, boutiques and bars.
Even a card room for those guests who enjoyed playing bridge (not a card game he enjoyed. Ha – the irony), or poker.
Cruising with Blue Line offered its guests a combination of all-inclusive meals and soft drinks in certain restaurants, while giving added choice with its alcohol-serving bars and shops, where anything chosen needed to be purchased.
It meant people could cruise on a relatively tight budget or go wild in the boutiques, jewellery shops and exclusive restaurants if they wanted to.
And nobody needed to know which category any individual fell into.
It also meant the all-inclusive restaurants were busy for much of the time, and places like the Crow’s Nest and the Vivaldi restaurant tended to be quieter.
The Captain’s Dinner would be held in the Vivaldi – the whole place already booked out for the chosen evening.
Although he was now off duty, the last thing Louis wanted to do was head for his cabin and relax.
He wanted to walk off his frustration. He’d blown it with Hannah, he’d pushed her too hard.
And could he be even the slightest bit surprised by her reaction? She’d been so very candid about what must remain a gaping wound, the feelings of betrayal and loss so new and raw. What had he been thinking? He should have known better than to have ploughed on regardless.
At least she’d been too polite to tell him where to stick his dinner invitation. Plus, she would be visiting the bridge with Millie to help feed Portus. Maybe all wasn’t lost.
As if appearing like a portent of his thoughts, Louis looked up to see his father approaching.
If his father had told him once that he needed to be more thoughtful, to plan better and be less impetuous, he’d said it a million times.
Usually as a response to Louis’ attempts at working out tactics for a race, back in the days when he was still competing, still dreaming of representing the UK, but also moulded latterly to reflect Louis’ debatable track record with romance.
They stopped in the middle of the concourse.
‘Is there anything this ship doesn’t have?’ Louis’ father frowned as though the breadth on offer was a bad thing. ‘There’s a barber. And a shop selling nothing but chocolate. Your mother would have been in clover in there. I nearly bought her some truffles, then I remembered…’
Louis swallowed hard, waiting for his father to recover, too.
‘Why aren’t you on the bridge?’
‘I’ve just come off duty. Decided I’d take a walk and chat to a few passengers.’
His father nodded in an approximation of approval. ‘Can I walk with you?’
‘Of course.’
The words sounded genuine enough, Louis thought, although the last thing he wanted was to engage with his father.
He wanted to be aimless, chat about nothing of any importance with a few passengers while he considered his options with Hannah.
And yet, his mother had wanted this. Would have been ridiculously pleased to have seen the two of them walking beside one another – a thought that bit deep into Louis.
Somehow, they needed to sort out their differences.
‘I wasn’t sure about these sailing days,’ his father said, ‘Couldn’t see the point of them if I’m being honest.’
‘Apart from them being the only way to get a cruise ship from one side of the Atlantic to the other?’ Louis said, aware he was being obtuse.
His father paused, a sideways glance perhaps heralding an equally sarcastic reply.
Instead, his father said, ‘Well, obviously, there’s that.
I meant for the passengers, Louis. As I’m pretty sure you had already worked out.
But there’s so much to see and do on board, I can understand why people do it. This is quite some ship.’
It was the first positive comment Louis had heard from his father’s lips – certainly to do with anything he was involved with – for longer than he cared to remember.
‘Yes, it is. Thank you.’
He met his father’s gaze and held it for a moment, intending to say more, but then they were being assailed by passengers keen to say hello and ask him questions.
His father stepped back as he chatted, the confidence he’d gained on stage during the Q&A holding firm as he explained about shipping routes, how radar worked, how much fuel the ship needed to get across the Atlantic, and so on.
Their attention turned to his father, one of them apologising for crashing in on their conversation.
‘Let me introduce my father,’ Louis said, ‘Edward King.’
‘First-time cruiser,’ his father added, with a self-conscious grin.
‘Oh, honey, we can help you with that,’ one of the women said. ‘We all popped our cruising cherry years ago.’
‘You must be so proud of your son,’ said another.
‘He’s so young, too,’ one said in muted tones to another, doing her best to hide her words behind the flat of her hand.
‘Just because you’re old, Freida, doesn’t mean everyone is,’ came the friend’s reply.
‘Rude,’ said Freida, rolling her eyes at Louis’ father. ‘He is though. The last captain I met was sixty if he was a day. Your son must be half that?’
‘Louis is almost thirty,’ Edward said. ‘So, yes. Very young to have made captain, without a doubt.’
After another round of ‘you must be so proud’, the ladies moved away, and they walked on.
It was the longest they’d spent in one another’s company without everything going wrong since the funeral.
Louis pulled in a deep breath. If they were going to do as his mother had asked when she was fading fast in the hospital, then someone had to make the first serious move.
‘The first of my Captain’s Dinners is coming up tomorrow evening. Would you like to attend?’ he asked.
‘Do I have to dress up like a penguin?’ his father asked.
‘Only if you want to. Suit and tie will be fine. All the officers will be in full dress uniform, but the expectations for guests aren’t as formal as they used to be.’
‘Right.’
‘I’ll get someone to make sure you have an invite, then it’s up to you,’ Louis added.
‘You want me there, do you?’
It was Louis’ turn to pause. Did he? Not really. But also yes, if it would go some way towards dissolving some of the guilt he felt at how their behaviour had played out for his mother.
‘I’m inviting you, aren’t I?’ he said.