Chapter 19
Turned out their visit to the bridge was simply to check on Portus.
Louis was nowhere to be seen, apparently on a break.
The team on the bridge was full of unfamiliar faces.
Someone must have briefed them on who Millie was and why she might be appearing unannounced on the bridge, and one of the officers chatted to Millie as she beetled around checking there was still plenty of food and water in the bowls, before giving Portus a lengthy cuddle, which Hannah suspected Millie enjoyed rather more than the cat.
Hannah wasn’t sure why a lump seemed to be lurking at the bottom of her stomach.
Wasn’t sure if it indicated her unease because Louis wasn’t there, and she hadn’t had an opportunity to clear the air with him, or because she was relieved she didn’t have to face him.
Maybe it was because fate seemed to be suggesting this scenario was the best one, even if she couldn’t shift the feeling she didn’t want it to be.
Either way, she smiled and chatted with the officers on duty, waited patiently as Millie snapped loads of Portus photos on her mobile, then picked up a message that buzzed into her own permanently muted phone.
Half expecting it to be from Ian, she was relieved to find it was from Ruth, suggesting they take a mug of coffee out onto the uppermost deck of the ship, blow away some cobwebs in the fresh air and have a chat.
Millie peeled off partway there, saying she wanted to have a go at a new painting, and that gallery director April was going to show her how to ‘do cats properly’.
Hannah resisted the urge to tell Millie that however she chose to paint Portus would be the right way, because that was the whole beauty of art, instead suggesting they catch up later.
With their arrival into St Maarten’s capital port, Philipsburg, feeling imminent, it seemed to Hannah as though the rhythm of the holiday was about to change. Their quick pit stop in the Azores had been little more than a taste of what was to come.
Island hopping their way through some of the most beautiful parts of the southern Caribbean promised to be the holiday of a lifetime.
Added to which it was almost Christmas – a fact that Hannah was struggling to place amongst everything else.
As if there to aid her, clues about the season were now everywhere on board the Ballygowan, from the music playing in public areas, to the glittery snow-themed decorations.
Christmas trees were in abundance, crowded at their bases with fake presents, while festive warm white lights filled the ship with cosy vibes.
The prospect of visiting a Father Christmas in his grotto, situated in one of the smallest coffee shops on the ship, had already been roundly rejected by Millie, who suggested she’d known Santa and her mother were one and the same from the age of seven, when she’d stayed awake long enough to see her stocking delivered by a remarkably familiar figure in a pink nightie.
‘I tried to cover my tracks,’ Ruth said, as they found some loungers on the open deck and settled down.
‘Told her that the big man – that’s Santa in this scenario – was so busy that he’d asked if I wouldn’t mind taking the stockings for the kids from him at the chimney so he could crack on with his deliveries. ’
‘And Millie didn’t fall for it?’ Hannah said, sipping at an ‘Arctic Americano’.
Ruth laughed. ‘Have you met my daughter? No, she didn’t.’ She wrinkled her nose. ‘We didn’t actually have a chimney, a fact I’d overlooked in my fabricated narrative, but which it took Millie about two seconds to work out.’
‘I think Joe still believes. Although Mum’s had it easy with the delivering of the actual stocking, because my little brother won’t let anybody other than Mum and Dad into his room – and me, sometimes – so they just stick his stocking outside the door with a handwritten note explaining what’s in the bag. ’
‘A note?’ Ruth frowned her incomprehension.
‘He hates surprises. It’s part of his autism.
We’ve learnt over the last few years that it works best if each present is wrapped in a different-coloured paper, and then Mum writes a list to explain what is in each corresponding parcel.
Red wrapping is a book about dinosaurs; squashy blue parcel is socks – that kind of thing. ’
Hannah sipped again, suddenly missing home, especially Joe, and hoping he’d like the set of charcoal pencils she’d wrapped in clear cellophane, with a label she’d made in the shape of a T. Rex taped to the outside of the parcel, wishing him a roaring Christmas.
‘Sometimes it takes him weeks to open everything – he’s not excited about presents like some kids. It’s just the way he is.’
Ruth grinned. ‘I wish my children would make their presents last for weeks. Fat chance of that happening. And this year, well I guess it’s just as well neither of them believe in the big FC any longer – I had to keep the luggage under control for the flight back, so I didn’t have loads of space for gifts.
I thought we could make up for it by getting some bits and bobs on the islands. ’
‘Good idea.’
‘Anyway, that’s not what I wanted to chat about, Hannah.’
Hannah grimaced into the rim of her mug. ‘Why doesn’t that surprise me?’
Ruth tried to deadpan, but her face failed on its way there, ending up passing through a series of frowns before settling into a thin smile. ‘I wanted to tell you a story, actually.’
‘OK?’
‘About a much younger Ruth, and the mistakes she made.’ Ruth’s expression became intense. ‘Will you listen to it? I think it might help you find some clarity – or at least, I hope it does.’
Hannah nodded, sipping at her coffee.
‘I mean, it’s not as though we can live our lives with hindsight, more’s the pity.
Might be a damn sight easier if we could.
Anyway, do you remember I mentioned I knew a proper gentleman, once?
’ Ruth didn’t wait for an answer, sucking in a breath and ploughing on.
‘Well, I didn’t just know him, I was madly in love with him.
His name was Teddy, and we were engaged. ’
Ruth stopped, took a gulp of coffee to steady herself before she resumed, ‘I met Teddy when we were both very young. At school. And, even though we weren’t a couple as such until we were twenty, he was always there for me, you know?’
Hannah frowned. Had it been like that for her with Ian? To begin with, certainly. He’d promised her the world, had been there at every twist and turn of her life.
‘And not in a possessive way. Not like I owed him anything except what I wanted to give. Anyway, we weren’t a couple when we were teenagers.
’ Ruth pulled a grimace. ‘Truth be told, Hannah, I was a bit wild during that time. Clubbing, drinking, smoking. Nobody looked very closely at the fake IDs my friends and I had. And I remember one of my favourite clubs was, in reality, a total dive. No locks on the ladies’ loo cubicles in case security needed to get in and deal with…
well, let’s gloss over that aspect of nineties clubbing history.
They never had to sort me out, so there’s that.
And suffice to say nobody was too worried about the sticky club carpet so long as the lights were low and the music was loud enough to feel it through your chest. Teddy never really got into clubbing, which was fine.
Up to him. But plenty of blokes did frequent the Pink Pineapple Club, and in turn I frequented my fair share of them, too. ’
Ruth glanced her way, her cheeks gathering colour. ‘Are you shocked?’
Hannah’s frown slid away. ‘I’m not a complete innocent, Ruth.’
Ruth nodded. ‘No, of course you aren’t. I just thought, when you said you’d been with Ian for getting on for a decade – well, it doesn’t leave a lot of time for anyone else. I suppose that’s what I thought.’
Hannah sipped at her coffee. Ruth was spot on, but she wasn’t about to admit as much.
‘Anyway, when I finally did get together properly with Teddy, it was as though someone had turned on a light, and I wasn’t stumbling around in the dark any longer.
Sounds clichéd, I’m sure. But I’ve always thought clichés are clichés because they really do happen quite often, otherwise we wouldn’t think of them as such.
Anyway, from that moment we were inseparable, and – well, long story short – we set a date for our wedding and decided life was going to be perfect. ’
Hannah took a deep breath. She remembered that feeling.
‘But it wasn’t.’ Ruth’s expression altered; she looked angry. ‘Because I was a complete effing fool on my hen night. Got roaring drunk and fooled around with some random bloke in the Pink Pineapple. Couldn’t even remember it, truth be told. My friends filled me in the following morning.’
Hannah slid her coffee mug onto the arm of her lounger, pushing herself up as Ruth’s expression crumbled.
‘Have you any idea how utterly crushing that was? To realise I’d done the dirty on the only bloke who ever really loved me?’
Hannah reached to put an arm around Ruth, but she shook it off.
‘I don’t deserve your sympathy. I did it to myself – and to him.
I couldn’t bear to lie to him about what had happened.
I remember going round to see him the next afternoon, once I’d sobered up.
He was grinning – I can still see his expression now – asking me how it had gone.
How many shots I’d managed to down. He could tell I’d had a skinful – it was the green tinge to my face by all accounts.
He stuck the kettle on. I remember it hissing and popping behind him as I just launched into it.
Told him I’d slept with someone else. I had to get it out, you know—’
Ruth stopped speaking, as suddenly as if she’d driven into a brick wall. Gulped as she tried to control her emotions.
‘Ruth, you don’t have to tell me this if it’s too painful,’ Hannah said.
She shook her head. ‘I have no right to the pain, Hannah. That pain belonged to Teddy alone. Oh, he said we could work it out, that he didn’t care, that he still loved me and it didn’t matter.
But how could we work out something like that?
How could he ever look at me again without thinking about it?
How could I look at him knowing what I’d done?
No. It nearly killed me, but I cut all ties with him and took the next opportunity to move away with work.
Loved him too much to saddle him with someone like me. ’
‘I don’t know what to say.’
‘No, I’ll bet you don’t. But it’s why your story struck such a chord with me.
And it’s what I’m trying to say – it’s the whole point of my telling you.
Not long after we split, Teddy met someone else, and they got married and had a baby really quickly.
He didn’t need me, or the uncertainty I’d brought to the situation.
He was far better off without me, and I took it as a sign to leave him alone to live his life without ever hearing from me again.
And that’s what I’m saying. You are Teddy. Ian is me.’
‘Except Ian tried to pretend everything between us was perfect,’ Hannah said.
Ruth nodded. ‘Yes. Except for that. But you found the strength to walk away from something that wasn’t right, and so did I – albeit from different sides of the table and for different reasons.
And like it was for Teddy, there’s no reason for you to look back.
You are the one who deserves happiness, not Ian.
And Teddy found happiness, while I found…
’ Ruth wrinkled her nose. ‘I found Trev. Still not sure what I was thinking, but there you go. I threw away the pearl and ended up with a Herring.’
Hannah tried to squash a smile, then noticed the edges of Ruth’s mouth were curling, too.
‘Oh, Ruth. I’m so glad we met,’ she said, reaching over and hugging her.
‘So am I.’ Ruth’s voice was muffled against Hannah’s shoulder. She pulled away. ‘I haven’t got to the whole point of telling you my sorry tale. The whole point is that you may have found your pearl, right here on this ship.’
Hannah sat back. Ruth was talking about Louis, obviously.
‘Why not?’ Ruth raised her hands, listed Louis’ positive attributes, ticking them off on her fingers.
‘He’s young, accomplished, fit, tall, good-looking.
He’s the captain of an enormous cruise liner, Hannah, for the love of God, so he’s got the “responsible” gene in spades.
He’s got an amazing smile, he’s charming, funny, soooo into you it’s not fair.
He didn’t jump you when he could have – maybe that’s a low bar, but it happens…
I should know… He’s funny and bright, and did I mention he’s a cruise ship captain?
I mean, have you seen that uniform?’ The list sounded impressive when it came from someone else.
Ruth puffed out her cheeks and her eyebrows went galactic.
Hannah shook her head. ‘And I spent the evening with him, got horrendously, embarrassingly drunk and he has literally run a mile. And I can’t blame him.’
‘Has he, though?’
‘Has he what?’
‘Run a mile. I thought you said he told you he wasn’t rejecting you. I remember it made me feel a bit gooey, that he was looking after you even though you’ve only just met.’ She paused. ‘If only that bloke in the Pink Pineapple had had some of Louis’ principles, hey?’
‘I know that’s what he said, but I haven’t seen him since. I hoped he would be on the bridge earlier, but—’
‘So, if you did see him, you’d be prepared to give him another chance?’
Hannah pressed her lips together. ‘I think it’s the other way around, don’t you? I’m not sure he’ll want to give me another chance.’
‘We’ll see about that,’ Ruth said, turning her face to the sea and picking up her coffee.