Chapter 34
Hannah hadn’t wanted to disturb Louis on the bridge, and didn’t know what else to do with it, so she took his radio with her to breakfast, planning to get it to him later.
‘What’s that?’ Millie said as she approached the Herring family table.
‘It’s the captain’s radio, you melt,’ Nathan said, back to throwing insults around without the measured presence of Keisha.
‘But why have you got it…’ Millie asked and then answered her own question with a burst of colour to her cheeks and a muffled exclamation.
Or maybe it was Hannah’s cheeks burning, reflected in Millie’s. She’d found the radio under a towel in the bathroom, remembering how it had come to be there as she set the room straight.
‘Can I go back to the cabin, Mum?’ Millie asked. ‘I want to make sure I’ve got everything ready for today.’
‘Only if Nathan goes with you.’
Nathan huffed and slumped, then edged from the bench seat and stretched out a hand for the keycard.
‘Thank you, Nath,’ Ruth said, watching her children as they walked away. ‘Growing up so fast,’ she said with a contented sigh.
Ruth looked bright and happier this morning than Hannah had ever seen her. She lifted her cup of coffee to her lips, took a sip then set it down and fixed Hannah with a steady gaze.
‘How are you this morning?’ she said.
‘I’m good, thanks, Ruth. You?’
‘Teddy and I did a lot of talking last night – it went better than I could have hoped.’ She frowned momentarily, shifting her attention to the radio.
‘I’m not even going to ask about that. Just as well, probably, that Teddy’s already eaten and gone – I would have enjoyed watching you trying to explain it to him.
’ She grinned, then the light-hearted expression fell away.
‘Hannah – how serious do you think it is between you and Louis?’
Hannah was taken aback by the question. It almost sounded as though Ruth knew something she didn’t.
‘Why?’
Ruth reached for her coffee again, hiding behind the rim for a moment too long. Then she clattered the cup onto the table. ‘I wonder if— Sometimes I rush into things when it might be better to reflect. And I’m worried I pushed you and Louis together.’
‘Worried?’ Hannah didn’t understand where this conversation was going.
‘And I know I said a whole lot of stuff about you being like Teddy and me being like Ian and that you shouldn’t look back, like Teddy didn’t, that you deserve better and all that. But now…’
‘Are you and Teddy back together?’ Hannah asked.
‘It’s early days, but I think it might be what we both want, eventually.’ Ruth beamed as she spoke, banishing the clouds that had begun to settle on her expression.
‘That’s fantastic, Ruth. I’m so pleased for you.’
‘Thank you.’ Ruth’s face clouded over again. ‘Anyway, it got me thinking in a different way last night. And how it might impact your situation, too.’
‘How?’
‘You mustn’t think I don’t like Louis – I do. Very much. And his being Teddy’s son doesn’t make this any easier. But I need to be transparent with my thoughts, just like I was when I suggested Ian didn’t deserve you and you shouldn’t waste another second on him.’
‘I don’t know where you’re going with this, Ruth, but I had some news about Ian this morning – he’s been in an accident. He’s going to be OK, but he’s in hospital.’
‘And how does that make you feel?’ Ruth said, her focus intense.
‘I’m not sure.’
‘Are you getting in contact with him?’
Hannah nodded. ‘I think I owe him that much.’
‘I think you should. And let me explain why. When I left Teddy, I never gave him any agency in the decision. I insisted it was the right thing to do, didn’t let him try to talk me round.
I didn’t give myself the chance to make it up to him, to see if we would have been all right.
And now I’m beginning to think my decision – even though I thought I made it for all the right reasons – might have been the worst I’ve ever made. ’
‘What are you trying to say?’
‘I’m trying to say I think you should give yourself time to be certain where Ian is concerned.
What I’m coming to realise is that if he regrets his mistake anything like as profoundly as I do mine, you and he might still get to have a fantastic life together.
After all, you loved him enough to want to marry him not so long ago.
And you know him so well, your family love him, he fits into your life – your real life, not this glossy, on-ship version.
’ Ruth pulled in a deep breath. ‘Just be absolutely sure, Hannah. That’s all.
Don’t throw away someone you know so well for something that might or might not be real.
And I love Louis – you know I do – but like you said, this whole trip is a suspension of real life. ’
‘But you were the one who was so adamant about cutting Ian out of my life, not allowing him back in.’
‘I know. And I should have been more circumspect. I’m just going to say one more thing – great sex with a stranger on holiday isn’t the same thing as a lifelong commitment.’
Ruth lifted her hands, open and palms towards Hannah. ‘I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t go for it and say what I think.’
Suddenly, Hannah had no appetite for breakfast. ‘I think I’ll go for a walk. I’ll see you later.’
Without waiting for a reply, she gathered her belongings, and the radio, and left the restaurant as her phone rang. It was Louis. Hannah did her best to push away Ruth’s projected negativity and smiled as she answered. The smile didn’t last long.
‘Hi, Hannah – listen, we’ve had a couple of incidents overnight. Nothing to worry about, but I’m going to stay on board today. Think I should be around a bit more, you know?’
‘So, you’re not coming on shore at Kingstown?’
‘I can’t. I’m sorry. We can meet up later instead if you like?’
‘Yeah. Sure. Let’s do that.’
‘Um, did you happen to find my radio in your cabin?’
‘Yes. What do you want me to do with it? Shall I bring it to the bridge?’
‘No.’ The answer came almost too quickly. ‘Leave it in your cabin and I’ll get Martin to collect it.’
‘I’ll see you later then?’
‘I’m sorry about today, but I really do need to stay here. You understand, don’t you?’
She did. But also, she didn’t understand at all. They had made plans for the day, which now lay in tatters. ‘I understand,’ she said.
After she’d dumped Louis’ radio back in her cabin, and with no real destination in mind, Hannah walked the promenade as she worked up the courage to phone Ian.
She was halfway down one side when she took in a deep breath and dialled.
It only rang twice before the connection clicked through and she heard a very familiar voice.
‘Hannah? Is that you?’
The jolt she felt at hearing his voice was unexpectedly strong. With some distance from the intensity of their break-up, and with her genuine concern for his well-being gaining ground, the rich, deep tone of his voice rolled over her like a weighted blanket.
‘Hi, Ian. How are you? I heard you’d been in an accident.’
‘I’m surprised you care.’ The notes of self-indulgence were clear, but Hannah didn’t think they were without merit.
‘This whole thing has been hard on me, too, Ian.’
‘Yes – I know. And I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair of me. I think the painkillers must be wearing off.’
‘What happened?’
After Ian had related the story of the car accident from his point of view – and it did sound as bad as her mother had suggested – Hannah asked about his injuries.
‘It’s buggered up my right leg. They had to operate – a displaced fracture, but they told me I was lucky, they pinned the tibia, but it should only be temporary.’
‘That’s good. Mum said something about your shoulder?’
‘Bad news travels fast, doesn’t it…? They X-rayed and it turns out I have a hairline fracture, nothing worse than that. And a couple of fractured ribs. That’s all.’
‘Sounds bad enough to me, Ian. Are you in much pain?’
‘When the drugs wear off it’s pretty bad. But I’ll live, which is more than I can say for my Audi. Total write-off.’
Hannah grinned; he loved that car. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re going to be OK.’
‘Me too.’ Silence wrapped itself around the call for a few seconds, before Hannah heard Ian sigh. ‘I really am glad you’ve phoned, Han. I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed you.’
‘Have you?’ she asked, her tone pointed.
‘More than you can imagine,’ he said. ‘I’ve tried time and again to contact you – and I do understand why you didn’t reply.
But I wish I’d been able to explain, to try to make it up to you.
I can’t believe I was so completely stupid – you’re literally the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I messed it all up. ’
‘What did you expect me to do?’ she asked. ‘I couldn’t bear to be around any of it. I was supposed to be marrying you, Ian – it was meant to be perfect. It was hard enough getting through what should have been our wedding day knowing what you’d done. I had to get away. Had to…’
‘No. I know. I get it. I don’t blame you at all.
And I can’t blame you for not wanting to hear from me.
And I know I’ve got no right to ask, but once you get back, I’d love to see you.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Hannah, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to prove to you I was an idiot and that you are the only woman I want in my life. You always have been.’
‘I’m not sure that’s what I want,’ Hannah said. She should say something about Louis. But what?
‘I want to prove to you that I can be whatever you need me to be, moving forwards,’ Ian said. ‘Not to mention I owe you massively. Your parents came to visit – I can’t believe you didn’t tell them why you called off the wedding. They think you had cold feet – I can’t believe you did that for me.’
‘Yeah, well. Things were bad enough without me having to explain that to them as well. I’m used to their passive disapproval, so it was like water off a duck’s back to have them blame me.’
‘Once you’re back, we’ll work out how to explain properly.
There’s no way you’re carrying the can for me any longer.
I want to be completely honest from here on in.
We could decide how to start again, couldn’t we?
You must know how much I love you. And if you don’t, I’m going to spend the rest of my life doing my best to make you understand. ’
Hannah leant against the balustrade, staring out to sea as she listened. He sounded completely distraught, far more upset than he’d seemed before she came on the cruise. Could Ruth have been right about her making too hasty a decision?
But where did that leave her with Louis? She’d found someone totally unexpected and exciting. None of the dots added up with him and yet she’d had more fun with Louis than it felt like she’d had for years.
And yet, when the cruise ended – and she went home – how would life with Louis work then? He’d be off on another cruise; she’d be stuck at home working in the deli… Did long-distance relationships work? Did she want to have to find out?
There was another level of unease tugging at Hannah’s gut.
Ian had slept one time with someone else.
He’d always maintained it was a huge mistake.
She and Louis had been intimate repeatedly – nothing about what they’d done had been accidental.
And even though she’d felt single, had believed her relationship with Ian was over, maybe it wasn’t as simple as that.
Maybe she owed Ian another chance. And if that was the case, that meant she’d been way more unfaithful – wilfully so.
And that would mean she’d made a mess of a situation a million times worse.