Chapter 46
CRUTCH
Lulu’s voice is raspy. She screamed so loud she actually made her throat raw. It’s a good thing the homestead is isolated. A stranger would’ve thought I was murdering her. Three different times.
Damn women and their multiple orgasms. Don’t get me wrong, I definitely plan on having another one tonight myself, I just need a few hours of recovery in between.
No two people fit together like me and Lulu. We were made for each other. Two halves, split right down the middle.
We’re sitting on the loveseat, watching the blue flames dance in the firepit. My arm is flung around My Lulu, and she’s snuggled against my bare chest, listening to my heartbeat. I slipped back into my underwear and pants—you can’t go commando in a rental tux—and she put her dress back on, with nothing underneath. I take a pull of my cold beer, nudging her shoulder. “You need me to get you some water?”
“No, I’m good.”
Something’s bothering her. She’s distracted, rubbing her scar.
“Are you happy, Lulu?”
“Of course, I’m happy. It’s been one of the most amazing nights of my life. All of my amazing nights are with you.”
“Then, what’s wrong?”
Her voice squeaks out higher. “Nothing.”
“Don’t lie.” I toss the possibilities around my brain. “Are you thinking about Carrie?”
“You know I always think about Carrie.”
Trying a different tactic, I say, “Tell me something. Something no one else knows.”
Her whisper is barely a sound, catching on the wind and flying on an angel’s breath to my ears. “I’m keeping a secret from you.”
Well, I wasn’t expecting that. I grab her body, pulling her upright, planting her face to face with me. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”
Her eyes fall down to her lap.
Shit. It must be worse than I thought.
She bites her lip. Taking a deep breath, she lifts her face, forcing herself into position. “I’m not going to the University of Virginia. I’m going to the university here.”
At first, I’m taken aback by the news. I know she hated the idea of becoming an architect, but she never mentioned switching schools, never mentioned not leaving for Virginia. And as much as it pained me to think about her being ten hours away from me, I knew we could make it work. I love her that much, and she loves me that much. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think this news was fucking fantastic. She’ll still be moving forward with her plans for an education, but she’ll be doing it from here. Next to me. Beside me. While I figure out my own shit.
I can’t stop the smile from spreading across my face. I open my mouth to tell her how happy I am when she suddenly makes my jaw hang limp.
“And you’ll be attending the university with me.”
“Excuse me?”
She licks her lips. “I got us both in. Late admission. I know you were accepted before, so it was pretty much a given that you would be accepted again.”
How?
What?
How in the hell?
I don’t even know where to begin. I shake my head, unable to formulate an adequate response. “What are you talking about?”
“My father performed emergency surgery on the president of the university a few months back. Gallbladder removal.”
And that’s supposed to explain everything? “Well, I’m very happy to know the guy’s stomach pain has resolved, but what the hell does that have to do with me? And you? And school?”
“I made an appointment with him several weeks ago. Late admission was already over, but the president can always make an exception. He agreed. We both meet with the academic advisor the week after I get back from the graduation trip.”
“You just talked to him? That’s it? You didn’t fill out an application or provide transcripts or anything?”
She blushes. “Well, I did.” She takes a deep breath. “I forged your application. And I ordered your community college transcripts online, pretending to be you. They already had your high school transcripts and ACT score from when you were accepted before.”
I can’t swallow. There’s something stuck in my throat. I quickly stand up, unable to sit still. I pace around, dragging my hand across my face. “You forged my name? Pretended to be me?”
“Yes.”
“Why would you do that!”
“Because,” she says simply.
I’m about to scream that ‘ because’ is not an answer when she finally continues.
“I wanna stay here to be close to you. I know I need a college education. It’s just like you said, people still wanna see that piece of paper, even though a real job, real life experience, is what matters in the end. And I know you want that too. You want a future for yourself. For us. You’re just afraid to pull the trigger. So, I did it for you.”
Anger flares behind my eyes, making me see red and black spots. My head swims in a fog. My blood pressure must be shooting through the roof. “Afraid? You think I’m afraid? I’m trying to be practical, Lulu! I want a future for myself. For us. But I was trying to think of the best way to do that. Not all of us have the luxury of doing anything we want, whenever we want. Real-world standards apply for the majority of us.”
She doesn’t like that insinuation. Her back stiffens and she sucks in a large gulp of air. It was an asshole comment. What can I say? I’m an asshole.
An angry asshole who feels like his balls have just been ripped off by his woman. “Just how do you expect me to pay for this fancy college? I didn’t hear mention of the president doling out any scholarship funds. I already told you that I refuse to take on student loans that I’ll never be able to pay back. And I swear on all that’s holy, if you say you will pay for it, I will flip my shit.”
“I know about the money. The money your grandpa left you for school. Follow through on his wishes. Use that.”
How can she even suggest such a thing? I’m horrified. My whisper is low and mean. “That money is for Grandma. What do you want me to do? Toss her in some shithole so I can live high on my grandpa’s dime?”
She shoots up from the loveseat, fists balled in fury. “I love that woman too. How dare you accuse me of not thinking of her. You’re not tossing her out on the street. You can use the money to provide for both you and her. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself in the process. You don’t have to be a martyr. Your future and her care don’t have to be mutually exclusive.”
“There’s not an endless supply of money, Lulu. We’re talking about the sale of some rural property. Grandpa didn’t sell a Rembrandt. She could live for another ten years with this disease. Fifteen. No one knows.”
“There’s options to help if the money starts running out. VA benefits, Medicare,” she says, ticking items off her with fingers.
“Nothing that would keep her in that facility.”
Lulu’s face softens and she takes a step toward me, but I’m too mad. I take a step back. And that hurts her feelings.
“Ry, we’ll figure something out, if and when that time comes.”
“What about you? You turned down your full ride to the University of Virginia? All that free money, Lulu? I know you don’t wanna be an architect. You could’ve switched your major, still taken the scholarship. You’ve already told them no?”
“I will. I’m gonna tell them no as soon as we set up classes with the academic advisor here.”
I raise my voice. “There won’t be a meeting with the academic advisor. At least not for me.”
She squares her shoulders, preparing her defenses. She hisses at me, “What are you saying? You’re just gonna squander this opportunity?”
I laugh, cynically. “So that’s what this would be? Me not going to college? Me not following your well-laid—and might I add—deceptive plan? It would be squandering an opportunity?”
“Yes.”
Sucker punch.
It’s like I’m talking to a complete stranger. “Why can’t you see how wrong this is? You did this without my permission. You forged my name and lied. But more importantly, you took away my choices, something you promised you would never do again. You took away my chance to plan a future for us. One where I could actually be the man of the relationship. Figure out how I’m going to support you, figure out how I’m going to provide a life for you. You cut off my balls and basically waved them in my face, telling me I’m doing a shitty job at being a man of integrity and honor. I wanna earn the respect of others. Really earn it. I don’t want it to be handed to me on a silver platter just because I’m fucking the millionaire’s daughter.”
I can’t believe I just said that. What the hell is wrong with me?
She points her finger in my face. The after-sex flush has left her body and beet red anger has replaced it. Like a car getting a fresh new coat of paint. “You’re weak. A real man would realize that the guy and girl work together to make their dreams come true.”
She’s right. I am weak. I’m weak and poor and filthy. I’m white trash. A complete and total loser. Why did I ever think someone like her could love someone like me? I’m ruining her life. I’m dragging her from the mansion to the trailer park. Hell, I don’t even own a trailer. I’m homeless. Living in a tent in the woods.
My heart is splitting in two, sending me into a whirlwind of wild thoughts and accusations.
I rub my jaw. “You’re completely right. I am weak. You changed your entire future for me. Your scholarship, your school, your friends.” I snort. “I even let you give up your comfortable bed, for what? A blow-up mattress on the ground. It doesn’t matter what sheets we put on it, or what perfume we spray on it, it’s still a blow-up mattress. And I’m still the poor mechanic. The guy who lives out of his car. The son of two addicts. The brother of a drug pusher. A drug pusher who may or may not have been involved in the disappearance of your sister. Don’t you see how fucked up this is, Lulu? I’ve ruined your life.”
Tears spring to her eyes. She quickly wipes them away, refusing to let me see them. “Don’t you dare say that. You didn’t ruin my life. You saved my life.”
It’s like I’m finally seeing clearly. Finally gaining clarity.
I’m the bad guy.
Here, I spent all this time worrying about her safety, worrying about her getting hurt. And I’m the one who has been hurting her all along. I’ve taken a beautiful songbird and captured her in a tarnished and used cage. I’ve plucked the sun from the sky and shoved it in a deep cave.
She’s young. I took advantage of her. She’s doesn’t know what she wants.
Shit.
She’s only eighteen. Seventeen when I met her! What the hell was I thinking. Eighteen may be an adult in the eyes of the law, but she’s just a child. I was fooling myself every time I said she was the most mature person I ever met. It was just an excuse. An excuse to keep her with me.
I’m the bad guy.
It’s time for me to be the good guy for once. It’s time for me to save her life.
If I really love her, I will let her go. I will let her soar to her potential. Soar into the skies.
I can’t keep her weighted down in the mud with me. Not if I love her.
And I do. I love her more than life itself.
I meant what I said. Never before. Never after. And I’m okay with that. I had this .
This gift. This gift of time with her.
I don’t ever need to love again. This love is great enough to last me until I die.
But she’s young. In ten years, she won’t even remember my name. She’ll love again.
I turn around, reaching for my shirt. “Grab your stuff, Lulu. I’m taking you home. I need some space.”
“No, I’m not going anywhere.”
I casually snuff out the fire in the firepit, casting us into darkness. Grabbing a battery lantern, I flip the switch. “Yes, you are. I said I need some space. I can’t look at you right now.”
It’s true. I can’t. Because when I look at her, I want to fall to my knees and beg her to never leave me.
But that’s me being the bad guy again. Ruining her life.
She begrudgingly follows me to the truck. I’m in a daze. A walking zombie. I’m reaching for the door handle to the driver-side door when she pushes me back. Not anticipating it, I stumble. She jumps behind the steering wheel.
“You’ve had too many beers, I’ll drive myself. You can come pick up the truck tomorrow. We can talk then. Get Harlan to drive you. Maybe sleeping in the woods by yourself will bring you to your senses.”
She slams the door in my face and drives away.
My Lulu drives away. Taking my heart with her.