Chapter 48
ELLA
I’m gonna kill him.
Literally.
I’ve been home for twenty-four hours, and he hasn’t called or come to see me. True, I was completely exhausted when I fell into bed the minute I walked through the door at two p.m. yesterday. I didn’t even wake up until after eleven this morning. That stomach bug has really kicked my ass. I ended up getting the same stomach bug that Harlan had, apparently. I guess it was going around right before I left. I still had a great time, and it didn’t prevent me from doing any of the charity work or the fun activities, but it left me drained and weak and exhausted. With not much of an appetite.
I fully expected to see dozens of missed calls and texts from him when I woke up, but there was nothing. And I called and texted him the second our wheels hit the tarmac. In fact, he should be here, banging down my door, demanding to be let in. Tired of waiting, I call the body shop. Harlan answers on the fourth ring.
“Ella! It’s so good to know that you’re back home, safe and sound. Was it fun, sweetheart?”
“It was absolutely amazing. I met some wonderful people and really feel like we made a difference. I’ll tell you all about it, I promise. But first I need to kill him. He hasn’t even called or texted. Put him on the phone so I can yell at him.” I’m laughing at myself, so I miss what Harlan says. “Oh, sorry, what did you say?”
I’m having a really hard time hearing. Harlan sounds like he’s whispering. “Why don’t you just come on out here?”
“Sounds good. On my way. And I have souvenirs for you too.” I grab my purse from the kitchen counter and race to my car. I smile during the whole drive. I can’t wait to see Ry. Be with him. Touch him.
Maybe I won’t kill him after all.
His truck is parked in its normal spot when I pull in. I run my fingers across the tailgate as I jog into the open bay. Harlan immediately wraps me in a hug. “You are one pretty sight for this old man’s eyes. I haven’t seen you in a month!”
“I know; I missed you too.”
He holds me at arm’s length, studying me. The trip bronzed my already tanned skin and left a scattering of sun freckles across the bridge of my nose. “You look great.”
“Thanks. I feel pretty good. I did come down with that stomach bug you had before I left, though.” His brow furrows in concern, but I ignore him, looking over his shoulder. “Where’s he at? In the bathroom?”
“He’s not here, Ella.”
I shake my head, correcting Harlan. “Yeah, his truck is outside. The wrecker is here too, so he can’t be out on a run. Did he just get back from one?” I raise my voice, hollering to him in case he’s in the bedroom. “Ry!”
Harlan grabs my shoulders, forcing me to look at him. “Sweetheart, he’s not here. He left. He left town.”
Huh? What?
“What are you talking about?”
Harlan takes a deep breath. “He joined the Marines.”
My jaw falls open. “Excuse me?” Am I dreaming right now? Am I still asleep in my bed?
“He joined the Marines.”
Even though I don’t believe Harlan, I can’t stop the tremble that races through my body, shaking me to my core, like a hiker trapped in a snowstorm. My vision starts to fuzz around the edges. My blood pressure is rising. Or maybe falling. Who knows? All I know is I feel like I’m gonna faint and throw up, all at the same time.
“Ella, sit down, before you pass out.” Harlan rolls my normal chair over, and I grab onto it with shaky hands.
“What? Are you lying? What are you talking about?”
He frowns in sympathy. His heart is hurting. I can see it on his face, plain as day, he’s not lying. “I wouldn’t lie about something like that.”
I stutter over my words. “But… but… he never talked about joining the military. Never. He never said he wanted to do that.”
“I don’t guess he ever really thought much about it before. He always heard me and Michael talk about our time in the service, but he never openly expressed a desire to enlist.”
“Harlan, don’t get me wrong, serving in the military is an incredibly noble and selfless act, and I admire those who are called to do it, but you don’t just walk in one day to join and then ship off. This stuff has to take time. I totally support him wanting to join the military, but we need to get everything in order. We need to figure out the process. Where he’ll be... I have to coordinate a move and transfer to whatever school may be near there. Or maybe I can just take online classes. We need to call him and tell him to come back. We’ll get everything ready, and he can join in a couple of months.”
“It doesn’t work that way, sweetie. He’s already at Parris Island, South Carolina. Boot camp. Got there last Tuesday.”
Today’s Monday. He’s already been gone nearly a whole week!
Holy shit. This can’t be happening. I rub my breastbone with my hand.
I think I’m dying.
“Boot camp? For how long?”
“Yes, they call it MCRT, Marine Corps Recruit Training. He’ll be there for thirteen weeks. Then, he’ll go to SOI, the School of Infantry. Depending on which school he is sent to, he will train for either fifty-nine days or twenty-nine days. I’m sure it will be fifty-nine days.”
Tears are rolling down my face, I can’t help it. I sniffle, “And then he’ll be home?” I know it’s a dumbass question. A girl can still hope, can’t she?
“No, he’ll receive his PDS. His permanent duty station.” Harlan stands taller, making his voice firmer. “Ella, he signed up for six years active duty. Followed by two inactive.”
Fuck me. Six years. Eight years.
I wipe the tears, spreading mascara all over my fingers. “I just don’t understand. How can you sign up one day and be gone the next? Don’t they give you time to prepare?”
“They give you time to prepare.” Harlan drags his hand across his scruffy face. “If you want time to prepare.”
My eyes grow wide and I cry even harder. “Ry didn’t want time to prepare? He didn’t wanna wait on me to get back?”
Harlan coughs, choking back his own tears. He hates delivering this news to me. I can’t believe Ry would be so heartless as to make Harlan do his dirty work for him. What a bastard.
“No, sweetheart, he didn’t want time to prepare. And I don’t think he could stand to see you. If he saw you, he might have regretted his decision.”
Slowly the pieces start to fall into place. The distance before I left for the graduation trip. The lack of communication. The lack of intimacy. “Harlan, when did Ry enlist?”
“The Monday after your fight. After the fake prom that Saturday night.”
There was nothing fake about it.
Or so I thought.
Sucker punch. “So, he requested to leave as soon as possible?”
“He did.”
I start to hyperventilate. Harlan races around, rubbing my back, pleading and begging for me to breathe and calm down. Seconds pass. Minutes pass. Hours pass.
Who the hell knows?
Eventually, my raw and chafed cheeks dry. My chest heaves for the last time. My throat finally swallows past the dry lump that’s been choking me. I can handle this. I can do this.
“Okay. I’ll call him and tell him that I’m okay with everything, that I fully support his decision. I guess that’s why he didn’t answer yesterday, he’s busy at boot camp.”
Harlan walks over to Ry’s tall tool box, opens it, and pulls out the cell phone I gave him. “He’s not allowed to have a phone.”
“Seriously, so I have to wait for him to call me? When will that be?”
“They aren’t really allowed to call out. Just the phone call to say he arrived safe.”
I lean forward, pressing my palms against my eyelids so hard it feels like my eyeballs are going to pop out of my head. “So, I basically have to wait thirteen weeks before I hear from him? And then , I have to wait another fifty-nine days?” I stare at the ceiling and scream. It catches Harlan off guard and he jumps. “Now, I am gonna kill him! He is making it so hard to love him!”
I stand up and pace back and forth, rubbing my scar in thought. “Fine, when I finally get to talk to him, I’ll tell him that as soon as he gets the information on his permanent place, I’ll move wherever. I’ll do a semester of school in-person, and then just start online classes so I can be ready for the move.”
Harlan walks back over to the tool box and grabs a white envelope. His hand is shaking like a leaf. He lays it on my chair. He’s afraid to actually give it to me. I flicker my eyes back and forth between the envelope and Harlan. I stiffen my spine, square my shoulders, and lift my chin. “Harlan, what is that?”
His voice cracks. “I’m not exactly sure. I haven’t read it.”
I purse my lips. Each syllable that rolls across my tongue causes a small part of my heart to die. Like a rot, it turns black and disintegrates. “Is that a ‘Dear John’ letter? Is Ry having you do his dirty work? Is he breaking up with me in a letter?”
Harlan won’t lie to me. “I think so, yes.”
I snatch the envelope off the chair and wad it in my fist, choking it like the vile piece of filth it is. Sprinting across the parking lot, I jump in my vehicle and speed to the homestead, driving so fast my tires actually squeal every time I turn. It’s a blessing I’m not killed. Or kill someone else.
I sit in my SUV, frozen in place, frozen in shock, looking at the place I once called my home. Everything is gone. No furniture, no storage bins, no tent. The only things that remain are the poured concrete patio, the stone firepit, and the wooden dock. And those were only left behind because they are permanent. Hell, if Ry had enough time, he probably would’ve jackhammered the concrete.
But I guess he was too anxious to get away from me. Too excited.
I tear open the envelope, ignoring the tug of my heartstrings when I see his handwriting.
Hate me.
That’s the only way I’ll be able to survive.
I don’t think I’d be able to live my life knowing that you’re spending every day, every waking moment, loving me the way I will love you until the day I die. Don’t love me. Stop. Find someone worthy. Someone better. Someone who can give you what you need. Someone who can provide for you.
I’m a burden to you, Lulu. Don’t you see that? I’m not the lifejacket; I’m the anchor. I’m drowning you, pulling you under. And I love you too much to do that. So, yes, I made this decision without you. But you have to know that I made this decision for the both of us. I need a higher purpose in life than just trying to survive the shit existence that surrounds me. I refuse to be like my parents or my brother. But I also refuse to have the woman I love give up the life she’s been given. A life that’s not a shit existence.
Let’s face it, being born rich is a privilege. You are the most beautiful woman to ever walk the face of the earth. You are smart and funny and humble and fiery and passionate and… everything. My everything. You deserve every good thing that heads your way. But the truth of the matter is, you will always have more opportunities than those who don’t have money.
You’re the one who told me not to squander an opportunity. And that’s just what you’re doing with me. You’re tossing away a future of endless possibilities. You deserve happiness now. Not in ten years, when I hopefully have a good job. Not in fifteen years, when I hopefully have some money to call my own. Not in twenty years, when I hopefully have the land to build our dream home.
Now. You deserve happiness right now.
So, hate me. Move on with your life. Find love. Find happiness. Start a career, get married, have babies. Do all the things that Carrie won’t be able to do. Make your sister proud. Take what should’ve been our life and make it your own. I give it to you. I’m giving you the life you deserve. It’s the least I can do.
I won’t lie and say I wish we had never met. Nothing could be further from the truth. The night I saw you on the back porch was the moment I actually started living. The night I started hoping, dreaming. Don’t ever think for one second that I didn’t love you, that I don’t love you. Because I did. And I do. My heart will beat for you until the heavens cascade to the earth.
Your laugh, your kiss, your touch.
Mine.
You’re mine. My Lulu. Never before. Never after.
And I’m content with that.
But I want you to have it all.
The fault lies with me. I made the gravest mistake of all. I told you I wasn’t a fan of escaping from reality. And yet, I fell into my own trap. I escaped. With you held captive in my arms.
You’re free now, Lulu.
Reality reminds you where you belong.
To be continued in…
Finding Our Reality: The Reality Duet Book Two
Available now.
Keep reading for a Prologue and Chapter One Sneak Peek.