Chapter 59 #2
I avoided his gaze.
He walked in front of me, forcing me to look at him. “Have you murdered people?”
I picked up a lit candle and approached the bookcase, then yanked at a hidden lever and the shelves swung open, revealing a doorway.
“Where does that lead?” he asked. “You don’t expect me to go in there?”
I headed on through, paused for a moment, and waited for him to join me.
Jacob let out a deep sigh and then took his first step into my world.
There was no going back, no denying anything.
Still, I had to send him out into the world with the kind of answers he could live with.
Jacob leaned his back against the door with his hands wrapped around his legs, while I rested atop the long, black coffin.
His pupils had adjusted to the dark, but the candlelight helped. The luminescent glare of mine spooked him for a moment, but then he calmed down.
My philosophy had come up short. I refused to accept my lot in the great scheme of things, preferring to strive for a glorious life, being true to myself and learning to live with the consequences. But now my relationship with Jacob felt threatened.
Having not fed, the slight shake in my hands increased, though my appetite had dulled. Within the small chamber, the drama of a troubled past unfolded, evolving over decades, a fantastical story that stirred the same emotions as it left my lips.
Jacob listened.
For the first time in decades, I prayed, begging God not to take him from me.
Yet again breaking my own rule, I trespassed into his thoughts, needing reassurance that this would not be the last time I’d see him. Jacob’s flushed face and fresh tears caused frequent pauses in my dark monologue, but his insistence for me to continue forced me to do so.
As I recounted my past, it revealed a new perspective and other possibilities arose, highlighting better choices that could have been made.
Decisions of my youth were just that; I fought off the regret.
Years ago, I’d mourned briefly and then moved on, hoping that my future would make up for the past. Taking full responsibility for what I’d become, it had been easier to accept.
Trying to explain this to my fresh-faced son, who stared up at me, riveted, offered up a new challenge. I gauged Jacob’s reaction.
He wiped away another tear. “If there’s a way back for you – a cure – I’ll find it.”
I allowed him the solace of believing that was possible.
Jacob stood up. “Sunlight is your enemy?”
I subtly checked his expression, watching for any sign that would indicate he’d try to test the theory and inadvertently put me at risk.
Jacob’s hand brushed over the door and then he pointed to the coffin. “What’s it like sleeping in that?”
“You get used to it.”
“How have you not been driven mad?”
“Does the mad man know that he’s even mad?”
Jacob squinted. “All those times I thought you were working and you were actually asleep.”
And while you slept…
“Your whole life is a lie,” he muttered.
“Smoke and mirrors, that’s all.”
“This is how you justify what you do?”
“You’re not my judge.”
“But God is.”
“I could be pedantic and say that God stood by and watched this being done to me.” God owes me this, at least.
“He doesn’t interfere.”
“How convenient.”
“Do you not fear hell?”
“You and Marcus can have this discussion,” I said. “It bores me.”
“But what of your soul?”
I sighed. “What of it?”
I read the anxiety in his expression. “Are you damned?”
“Perhaps.”
“Aren’t you frightened of dying?”
“No more than you.”
“But are you not excluded from heaven?”
“Me and half of London, if you believe what you read.”
“You’re destined to walk the earth for eternity?”
His words echoed around us. Not for the first time had I considered the idea – immortalized in this body with the abilities of a deity.
I nodded, my fingers tracing my jaw line as I considered the future.
“What did it feel like when you were being changed into a vampire?”
I took a deep breath. “I lost all sense of time and place and then blacked out. When I reopened my eyes, it felt as though I’d awoken from a deep sleep.”
Sunaria’s voice luring me, the thrill of her blood surging through mine, reanimating every nerve, sinew, muscle, and bone…
“When my eyes took in the world again, shapes were more distinctive and colors vibrant. Your senses are so sharp, it takes a while to adjust to the sensory overload.”
“Is there pain?” Jacob’s voice seemed far off.
A difficult question to answer, having been impaled by a child’s sword, the agony of that bled into what followed. I shrugged.
“And now what does it feel like?” Jacob asked.
The ability to feel pleasure so intense that you lose yourself.
I turned over my hands, studying them. “As though I’ve taken on a new body, one that is made out of something other than flesh, and yet it passes for human.”
“When you died, what did you see?” he asked.
“No blinding white light, no beautiful angel. Just a black nothingness. An awful feeling of being awoken from the deepest sleep and then being dragged backwards over hot coals.”
Jacob was riveted.
“Then the agony subsides into euphoria.” I sighed. “I suppose it’s what entices you to come back into your body.”
The candle flickered as though encouraging me to share more.
“What other benefits are there?” He glanced at the fading flame.
“My ability to detect the slightest sound.” I decided to tell him about my flying ability at a later date.
“And you can read minds?”
“Rachel told you that?”
He nodded. “Do you read mine?”
“I try not to.”
“But you can. I mean right now you can hear every thought?”
“Yes.”
“Bloody hell.”
“It’s not always a positive experience,” I said. “The chatter’s overwhelming. And when someone has a bad thought about you, it’s not pleasant. But I’ve learned to control the ability.”
Jacob removed his jacket. “The drawbacks, what are those?”
“Well, you’ve seen one, no reflection.”
“That explains your hair.”
I ran my fingers through my dark locks.
“Just joking,” Jacob said.
I gave a wry smile and gestured to the door. “No sunsets. And dining takes on a whole new meaning.”
“You can’t eat at all?”
I shook my head.
“What else can you do?” he pushed.
“I can seduce anyone.”
“Is that how you trap them?”
I sensed where this was going and didn’t like it.
“You have to kill to survive?” he asked.
“The alternative is to take just a sip. But it results in several victims instead of one.”
“What if they see you again?”
“It doesn’t work like that. We give them one sip of our blood, and their arousal is their reward. Then they forget everything.”
“Are you suggesting that, for us, your blood is some kind of elixir?”
I stared down at my shoes.
“You’re talking of an erotic experience?” Jacob asked, looking amazed.
“Now you understand why Rachel going anywhere near you made me nervous.”
Jacob remained silent for a few moments.
“How do you find your victims?” he asked.
“Take a walk down any back alley and you soon find yourself threatened. I turn the tables.”
“What do you do with the body?”
I let out a deep sigh, not wanting to explain.
He couldn’t hide his horror. “You throw them in the Thames?”
“We’re all faced with complex decisions.” I got up off the coffin. “This is not how I want you to see me.”
He disappeared inside his thoughts. “There are some physicians that bleed their patients. Although I don’t practice this technique, perhaps we could give you the blood that they draw?”
The thought of drinking clotted blood caused a wave of nausea to hit me. Drinking for me was so much more than survival, a sublime sensuous ritual. “Please don’t see me as one of your patients.”
“How would you prefer me to see you?”
“As your father.”
“You look more like my brother.” He was suddenly anxious. “What happens when I age and you stay the same?”
The sense of evening looming brought little relief. We still had a few hours or so to go before we could be outside and enjoy the fresh air.
“We’ll just have to deal with that when it becomes an issue.” I met his gaze. “You have my word that you will never find yourself in my predicament.”
Jacob shifted uncomfortably. “That’s good to hear.”
“If there’s one benefit to being what I am, it’s that I have the ability to protect you.”
“I don’t need—”
“Trust me, we all need someone to watch over us.”
“I have God.”
“God doesn’t like to interfere, remember?”
He looked taken aback.
“Jacob, you have my blessing to continue with your vocation, but not to spend any time worrying about me.”
“I’d like to study you.”
The thought made me cringe, and he noticed my reaction.
“I’ve offended you?” he said softly.
I shook my head.
He bit into his lower lip, aware that he’d overstepped. “Perhaps I could follow you one night?”
“Or perhaps you could just stay home.”
“Well, that’s no fun.” Jacob stretched.
I smiled. “You’re beginning to sound like me.”
“I really have to go out with you and watch what you do.”
I gave a smile. “Over my dead body.”
Jacob gave a brief, nervous laugh.
“I’m going back to Spain,” I said. “I want you to come with me.”
He looked crestfallen. “I’ve made a life for myself here.”
“Please consider it, at least.” That had always been the plan, find him and return home.
“I don’t even speak Spanish.”
“London is not the city it once was. It’s become so dangerous. And Spain has so much more to offer.”
He shrugged.
“No matter what you do, I’ll always love you,” I whispered. “I hope you believe that.”
His gaze fell on the quivering candle flame. “This city may have some questionable provinces, but for me it’s still home.”
With his words came the realization that I’d have to face Archer one final time – ensuring that no shadow of danger could ever reach my beloved son.