Chapter 12
TWELVE
Excerpt from the Veydran Code of Conduct:
Decisive action is paramount to success.
RIVEN
Someone moans, and I shake my head. If they’re trying to be quiet, they’re failing miserably, and my mind is more than happy to paint pictures to accompany the noises.
I don’t know why I’m still here. Sitting on a bed that doesn’t belong to me—in the hub of power for this region—listening to my enemies fuck through the wall.
My face flickers. This discomfort is more than skin deep, and I have no one to blame but myself.
It’s time for me to act.
Steal a face, use it to get money, and build a new life for myself.
My fellow veydran may send someone after me eventually. They don’t tolerate defectors, but if that happens, I’ll kill them. It would be better for them to pretend I never made it off the monster realm than to lose their best assassins trying to take me out.
I’m safer here in the enclave’s compound, but there’s no point pretending that fear is keeping me here. Not when my stomach twists whenever I imagine setting off on my own.
How can I get excited about creating a new Riven when the current model is hopelessly pathetic and pining after a woman who will never be his?
It’s shameful. Listening to her get fucked by three other men should be the final nail in the coffin.
Except I’m frozen in place, hard as steel, and furious—not at her, but at myself.
I had thought myself incapable of sinking lower, but every day that I stay here is a new humiliation ritual.
The noises stop, but I can hear them talking through the wall. Soft, low rumbles, punctuated by the occasional laugh. The words aren’t clear, but the tone is obvious.
They’re a team, made stronger by all my attempts to break them.
I lurch to my feet. The soft, black sleeves of my sweater rub against my arms as I pace. The material is new to me, like the faces that walk this compound. I’ve memorized them all. I could shift into any of them at a second’s notice, and they don’t seem worried about it.
Either they don’t fear me because they believe they’re strong enough to defeat me, or they trust me not to repay their kindness with treachery. The possibilities are equally unsettling.
I push my sleeves up and scowl at the orange casing coating my skin. Sometimes I imagine I can see beneath it. That I know the shade of my own skin. It’s futile. Wasted time on thoughts that only bring me pain.
This is all I’ll ever be, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I’ll stop pining after an impossible future. Sighing, I rake the clothes the djinn made for me into a bag.
It’s time to go. No one will miss me, anyway.
I wait until the only ones left awake are the stars.
Then I ease the door open slowly, not making a sound.
The hall is empty and dark. I look both ways and close the door behind me. It shuts silently. Part of me wishes I had slammed it.
Ignoring my own stupidity, I sink into my training and sneak down the hall.
Through the central spine of the wing, past the giant tree in the foyer.
I run my fingers over the bark—something I’ve longed to do since we arrived.
It’s smooth and waxy, nothing like the rough trunks in the monster realm I’m used to.
I bypass the front door, choosing the side exit I noticed when we walked to the sparring room. It opens with a slight whine, but I don’t linger long enough to be discovered. I’m not a hostage; I simply don’t want to answer questions. Or face Celine.
On my left, the massive decorative hedge looms over me, the ornate fountain gurgling cheerfully to my right.
There are two guards by the gate, but I expected that.
The administrative wing is my best bet. It’s part meeting rooms, part storage, and I’m confident I can find a place to slip through unnoticed.
After all, the security is designed to keep intruders out, not hold guests in.
I’m tempted to steal a car, but something about that doesn’t sit right with me. I’m not sure if my long-dead conscious has resurrected itself, or if I don’t want to make another powerful enemy. Either way, my two feet will have to do.
Fingers wrap around my wrist.
I react instinctively, tossing my attacker into the hedge. Unfortunately, their grip on my wrist tightens, and we both tumble to the ground, crashing through the manicured branches until they consume us both.
I pull my fist back to drive it into their face, but they’re too fast. Somehow, I end up pinned to the dirt with the thick base of a bush pressing uncomfortably against my shoulder.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Celine demands.
She’s wearing all black, her red hair poking out of the strange knit hat falling over one of her eyes. She must have followed me out here, but if that’s the case, why is she wearing sneaking clothes?
“I could ask you the same question,” I hiss, glancing over her shoulder to make sure the guards didn’t hear us.
“I asked first!” She winces as she tries to get away from the branches poking her in the back. “Shit, I should have let you stay on top.”
I blink, my mind processing our position too late. Celine is straddling me; her thighs wedged tightly against my hips. Her hat is caught in the hedge. She wrestles with it angrily, squirming against me in a way my body willfully misinterprets.
Damn everything. I never intended to say goodbye. Now I have no choice.
“I’m leaving,” I say. “It’s time, and . . . I don’t belong here.”
Celine scoffs. “And you think the rest of us do? This is temporary, Riven, until I can contain my father—”
“Shh, please. I didn’t say you made a mistake.
” My hands grip her hips to stop her movements before I embarrass us both.
“Wherever you and the others go, and the location is wholly irrelevant, you’ll belong there because you belong together.
I . . .” Gods, this is mortifying. “I need to find where I belong, darling.”
Wonderful. I sound like a stray dog.
Celine surrenders to the hedge, letting it swallow the knit hat entirely. “I don’t know what to say to that,” she whispers. There’s a question in her voice, and a hint of frustration, but I’m not sure if it’s with me or herself. I don’t care. It can’t matter to her, and neither can I.
“You don’t have to say anything.”
Her lips twist into a frown, and she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. Thanks to the violent demise of the hat, her red hair is hanging unchecked, cascading around her face as liquid flame. Liquid flame? Even my thoughts are stupid around her.
“I don’t like it, Riven,” she says. “It makes my back itch.”
I roll my eyes. “Don’t be silly; that’s just the hedge.”
“It’s not the—” She cuts herself off and narrows her eyes at me. “Why does it have to happen right now, anyway? Your journey to finding where you belong can wait for things to settle down first, can’t it? It’s too dangerous out there; he could kill you.”
I sigh. “S’lach isn’t going to waste resources on me while you’re still on the board.”
She pushes a sprig of greenery out of her face. “You don’t know that, and besides, were you going to walk away without saying a word? How would we contact you?”
“Why would you contact me?” I blurt.
She glances away, and I fight the urge to grab her chin and bring her focus back to me. “You know, to check on Hyacinth,” she mumbles. “I’d like to be her friend if she wants that.”
“Is that all?” I don’t know why I’m pushing her. Perhaps I’m discovering a latent proclivity for masochism. At this rate, the next round of my humiliation is all but ensured.
“I don’t know,” Celine says. “I don’t fucking know, Riven, but I don’t like it at all. It’s making me itch!”
“You’re repeating yourself.”
“Shut up.” She shoves me halfheartedly, and I roll my eyes.
“You already have me pinned,” I tell her. “Do you intend to bury me, too?”
“It depends.” Her fingers fist the fabric of my shirt. “If I get up, are you still going to walk away?”
I study her face, bathed mostly in shadow. My heart pounds. “There’s no reason for me to stay.” Give me one. Please, darling, give me a reason.
Celine scowls. “That was a lie,” she hisses. “You fucking lied to me just now.”
I chuckle, but there’s nothing funny about this. It’s simply one more foot of space in the endless divide between us. “I’m not your precious Malach. I lie every day, and I have no plans to stop.”
She flinches as if I slapped her, and I call myself ten different kinds of fool. Bringing up Malach was a dirty move, but I was taught to fight dirty. Why do I feel bad about it?
“But you have a reason to stay,” she says, her voice monotone. “I sensed it.”
My rising fury takes me off guard.
She’s too stubborn. Fine. If she wants the truth, she can have it.
I use my grip on her hips to push her backward until she’s straddling my erection.
“Are you happy now?” I demand. “You know my secret, the reason I’m leaving in the dead of night.
My humiliation is complete, and it changes nothing.
I must leave. Of course, I must leave. It’s the only chance I’ve got to be myself again.
Untouchable and safe. I’ll go somewhere so far away that I’ll never run the risk of seeing you again.
And perhaps, with time, I won’t spend every damn night tossing, turning, and tormenting myself with thoughts of how you might taste—”
Celine lunges for me, and then I don’t have to imagine anything anymore.
Her lips are on mine, soft and full. They taste better than any fantasy. Mine part. She nips at my lower lip, and I push her away.
“No more,” I say, as much to myself as to her.
She touches her lips, her mouth parting. In shock or horror, I’m not sure. The expression doesn’t last long before her eyes narrow. “Why not?”
“Because you are my destruction,” I say. Self-loathing creeps in, as insidious and inevitable as this hedge. “I will not survive you, darling, and we both know it.”
Celine opens her mouth—to argue? She never accepts defeat. It’s not in her nature, but if she would pause for even a second, maybe she could find it in herself to grant me the mercy I never afforded her in the monster realm.
I won’t beg for it, but I know how this story ends.
I am no one. There’s no happily ever after for people like me. We don’t exist. We don’t find love. And the tattered remains of my self-preservation warn me that having her—even once—would tear me to pieces.
She doesn’t love me, and I can’t bear another cheap imitation. Reality won’t be ignored, and Celine already has everything she needs waiting for her inside.
“I-I don’t—”
“Please stop,” I beg. “I may be a living lie, but that doesn’t mean I can’t recognize truth when it stares me in the face.”
Brow furrowed; her chest heaves. She wants to argue and tell me how wrong I am. Except this time, she can’t, and we both know it.
“Is this it?” she asks. “We can’t even be friends?”
I shake my head. “There’s no world where you and I are friends. We were destined to be enemies—”
“Bullshit,” she snarls. “We make our own choices. Fuck destiny. Fuck the gods—if they’re even real to begin with—and fuck magic. If I say you’re my friend, then you are.”
“Celine . . .”
“No.” Her hand curls around the back of my neck, and she drops her head, bringing our faces so close together that I could count each of her eyelashes if I wanted.
“Listen to me, Riven, and if you hear nothing else, hear this: I know exactly who my fucking enemies are, and it’s been a long time since I counted you among them. ”
I should prove her wrong. Toss her into the hedge and leave, ripping the memory of her lips from my brain by replacing her touch with that of a dozen others.
It’s the best thing for both of us, but I’m not strong enough to do it.
“Why are you out here, anyway?” I ask. “Are you planning to kill someone?”
She shakes her head. “Joshua mentioned another gateway location during brunch. It’s not nearby, but I was going to go check it out.”
“And come right back, of course, as soon as you determined whether it was rumor or fact.” She winces, and I roll my eyes. “There’s no point lying to me. I already know you’re going to leave them behind when you go back for him.”
“I can’t put them at risk,” she hisses.
“I know.”
“Losing them . . . I can’t breathe past the fear of it.”
“Darling, I know.” I give in to the urge to cup her cheek.
Of all the cursed beings in this universe, I saw firsthand what facing their loss did to her.
Celine was prepared to die four times over to prevent it.
They’re her only weakness, and she’s painfully aware.
So, she’ll go in alone—even if she knows she’ll be hurt—because she’d rather betray them than lose them.
I wish to the gods I didn’t understand her.
“I’ll go with you,” I volunteer, cursing myself as her eyes widen.
“That’s not what I meant—”
“I’m aware.” I force a smile. “You don’t want to see me dead either. I appreciate that, but I have no intention of dying. I’ll go with you to the gateway, and you can blame our sudden departure on me if you want. I’ll get my fresh start, and you’ll have an easy out.”
“I don’t know about this.” Her eyes dart to my lips. “I was going to fly, but my wings can’t carry us both that far.”
“Then, we’ll steal a car and add one more adventure to our story.”
She frowns. “That sounds final.”
I shrug, not bothering to argue. Celine is stubborn enough to think she can change my mind, and I’m selfish enough to let her try.
Who knows? If I’m lucky, her hold on me will ease.
I may be able to leave her behind without looking over my shoulder or wondering if things could be different if I were someone else. Anyone else. Anyone at all.
Please, I’ve never been lucky. The only person I’m lying to now is myself.
Because I already know what’s about to happen.
We’ll go on this trip, and I’ll pay for it dearly.
By the time Celine walks away from me, she’ll do it with my whole heart clenched in her fist, and there won’t be a damn thing I can do to stop her.