Chapter 7
Honeysuckle led us on a meandering route to Titania’s chambers, guaranteeing that if we did anything to piss her off and make her leave us to find out own way out that I’d die of starvation before I ever found an exit.
I decided that if it came down to it, I’d eat Jarvis first. Sure, I was impressed that he was less useless than I thought when he trotted out his medical expertise, but if I was going to murder anyone, it was still more likely to be him than anyone else in the party.
Admittedly, maybe one reason I couldn’t keep track of where we were going was because I kept getting distracted with thoughts of cannibalizing my teammates.
After what felt like hours of walking but was probably less than fifteen minutes, Honeysuckle stopped outside a pair of ornate double doors.
There were guards with halberds standing there look very grim and guardian-y, at least until the tiny fairy handed one of them her fruit trays and he had to juggle his polearm and a tray of fruits and berries while she turned to me and held up a finger.
“Wait here. I must enter first and make sure that Her Majesty is suitably attired to receive visitors.” She pulled one of the doors open and slipped inside, leaving us alone in the hall with a pair of stone-faced guards, one looking far less ridiculous than the other, since he only had a weapon in his hand, not a fruit tray and a massive axe on a big stick.
We stood there staring at the guards for a long couple of minutes before the door opened and Honeysuckle emerged, waving us in and relieving the poor guard of the fruit.
I set the pitcher of juice down on a table where Titania sat, looking pale and thin, nothing like the gorgeous, tanned paragon of summer hotness I’d seen on my last trip through Faerie a couple years ago.
She waved to a row of chairs arranged on the opposite side of the table, and we all sat.
Oberon sat at his wife’s right hand and immediately poured her a glass of juice and tried to press her to eat.
She waved away his efforts and locked eyes with me.
“You have returned to my realm, grandchild of my rival. Are you here to gloat at my weakness?” She might have looked frail, but there was still iron in her eyes and steel in her voice.
“No, ma’am,” I replied honestly. “I didn’t even know you were sick.
We didn’t want to come to Summer at all, but this was the only portal from our world that we could find on short notice.
Mab has kidnapped some people who are very important to me, and we’re headed to Winter to bring them home. Hopefully.”
Titania and Oberon shared a glance, then she turned her attention back to me. “Mab didn’t send you here?”
“Ma’am, I haven’t spoken to Queen Mab since the last time I was in Faerie, and when I left, I kinda hoped I’d never see her again.
She scares the crap out of me.” I felt something thump against my ankle and turned to see Geri glaring at me.
“Um, sorry for my language.” I guess I wasn’t supposed to say “crap” in front of a queen or something.
“I am not offended… What is your name again?” Titania replied.
“Bubba, ma’am.”
“Bub-ba? Is that a normal name in your realm?”
“Not even a little bit,” Jarvis replied. “Ow!” I looked at him, but he was rubbing his ankle. That’s what he got for letting Geri sit between me and him—we both got kicked.
“No ma’am,” I said. “It’s a nickname. Where I’m from, a Bubba is someone who…” I paused, trying to figure out how to explain a redneck to a fairy queen. Fortunately for me, Ash stepped in.
“A Bubba is someone who lives in a rural area and is unapologetically opposed to urban life. In our world, we call them rednecks or hillbillies,” they said.
“My people eschew most urban environments, preferring the natural world to most buildings. Does that make us Bubbas?” Titania asked.
“No, ma’am,” I said. “There’s a certain lack of couth that’s also part of being a Bubba, and no one would ever accuse you of lacking civility or decorum.”
“Not if they wanted to live,” Oberon said, then glanced down and rubbed his ankle. Seemed like there was a lot of aggressive footsie being played under the table.
“So, as I was saying… Bubba,” Titania continued, still clearly uncomfortable with “Bubba” as either a name or a title.
“I am not in the least offended that you would not want to see Mab again, or that you found her less than sane. It has long been our contention that the Queen of Winter is mad as the proverbial hatter. But did you not want to renew ties with your grandfather, Oberon?” She arched an eyebrow as she spoke, and I could tell that even if she was sick, my answer was going to be important.
I took a few seconds to try and decide what the right way to reply was going to be, then decided that if I couldn’t say the smart thing, I could at least say the honest thing.
“No, ma’am, I didn’t. Honestly, I didn’t like him any more than I did Mab, although I didn’t think he was crazy.
I just thought he was a dick. So if I’m being perfectly honest, I wouldn’t have ever set foot backer in Fairyland if Mab hadn’t kidnapped my fiancée. ”
Titania’s eyes widened. “She stole your beloved? Well, we cannot allow anything to interfere with the course of true love, no matter how unsmooth it runs. Can we, Oberon?” I’ve read enough Shakespeare to know there was some serious subtext going on here, and even if I hadn’t sat through a high school production of A Midsummer Night’s Dream when I was fifteen, the cold-ass look on Titania’s face would have clued me in.
“No, my dear,” Oberon replied, his face a stone mask. “We cannot.”
“Then we must help this poor lovestruck fool in his quest, mustn’t we?”
“Apparently we must, my dear.”
Titania turned to me. “Bubba, we would happily aid you in your quest were we able. For love is one of the greatest forces in your world or ours. Unfortunately, I am not at my full strength, and if the reports I am hearing are correct, this dread disease may have affected the Winter Court as well.”
“You mean Mab might be sick, too?” Geri asked.
“Hoisted on her own petard, as it were,” Titania replied. “Whatever this plague is that she has visited upon us, my spies have told me that she is ill herself. Justice, albeit a cold one, to soothe my passing from this world.”
“I have told you, my love, that I do not feel this is Mab’s doing.
It is far more likely to be his people who created this disease and set it loose in both our courts.
” He pointed an accusing finger at me. “And now, with a tenuous but legitimate claim to both thrones, through his blood ties to both Mab and myself, here he comes to rule over all of Faerie. We should call Mathis and have him taken to the deepest cell in the dungeon.”
“Mathis already tried that,” I replied. “Didn’t work out so good for him.
By the way, you might want to send somebody down to the dungeon with a key.
I expect he’s pretty uncomfortable by now.
” I turned my attention to Titania. “I don’t want my grandmother’s throne.
I don’t want your throne. I don’t want any throne.
I’m not the ruler type. I’m more the take orders from a ruler about who to punch type.
But if you think this disease is going through both Summer and Winter, I hate to say it, but Oberon’s theory sounds pretty solid.
If there’s a portal closer to Winter, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if somebody from my world came over and is trying to wipe out all the faeries and take this place over for themselves. ”
“There is a portal that sits directly on the border between Winter and Summer,” Oberon said. “That would be a perfect spot to launch an assault on both realms.”
“Then that’s where we need to go,” Geri said.
“We will assist in any way we can,” Titania said.
“We are unable to send soldiers thanks to this accursed disease, but you can supply yourself with horses, food, and weapons. Oberon will escort you to the armory, then Honeysuckle will take you back to the kitchen. My consort is…somewhat unpopular with the staff there.” The queen let a thin smile escape at that.
“Because he has been unduly popular with them in times past?” I said with a wicked grin at my dear old grandpa. I’d heard from Harker that he was in the doghouse with Titania thanks to his magical inability to keep it in his pants, and I couldn’t resist getting my shot in.
“That, and he’s rude to all the staff,” Honeysuckle interjected.
She was obviously taking her shot while Obie was on the outs with the queen, too.
“Even the ones of us who haven’t succumbed to his charms get treated like crap.
He knows better than to come into Chef Vonn’s kitchen without his helm, or he might get a rolling pin laid across his noggin again.
” Her grin was even more wicked than mine, and that was a pretty high bar.
“Again?” Jarvis asked. “The cook clocked you with a rolling pin?” he asked Oberon.
The Summer Queen’s consort set his jaw and said, “This way to the armory,” through gritted teeth. I fist-bumped Jarvis as we walked out the door. Maybe my brother-in-law wasn’t a total dipshit after all. I could handle partial dipshit. I mean, I hang out with me, right?
Ash walked over to Titania’s bedside as the rest of us filed out. They put a hand on the Summer Queen’s shoulder and said, “I hope you get better soon, Your Majesty. We’ll do everything we can to help you and your people.”
“Thank you, dear,” Titania replied. Then she raised an eyebrow. “Are you one of us? You don’t have the aura of a typical human.”
The pink-haired theatre tech grinned down at the sickly queen. “I’m one hundred percent human, as far as I know, but I promise you, I’m anything but typical.”
“Well, if you are successful in your quest and would like to remain in Summer, I will make a comfortable home for you in my domain. Thank you, Ash, for your help, and your compassion.”
They blushed a little, their cheeks turning almost as pink as their hair, and smiled. “Thanks, Your Majesty. I might just do that.”
We were halfway to the armory before I realized that no one had ever told Titania’s Ash’s name. Damn magical faerie queens and their brain magic.