Chapter 25
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
WE COULD USE A SLICE OF PIE AND NORMALCY.
Dash
Juniper makes us each a thermos of coffee but as soon as we’re standing at the oak tree with shovels in our hands, I have no appetite. Not even for liquid energy.
“Rememberin’ the smell in the well?” Sterling asks, bumping his shoulder into mine. “This won’t be like that.” Still, he passes me a balaclava which gets my nerves jumping.
Tugging it down over my face, I get to work next to Sterling, with Juniper behind us, readying the bag that will ultimately hold all the other bags. Sterling works twice as fast as I do, and the deeper we dig, the more nervous I get.
The top of a black bag peeks through the dark earth, and I nearly freeze in my tracks. Juniper’s hand slides up the back of my shirt, along my lower back. “You okay?”
I swallow thickly, embarrassed that I’m the one in the group struggling. I’m a police officer, for Christ’s sake. I should be all cool and scientific, calm and collected. Instead, bile is clawing up my throat, my heart is racing and beneath my mask, my lips are pulled down in angsty disgust.
“All good,” I reply, making my voice almost laughably husky.
Sterl turns, swiping his wrist along his forehead. His reddish hair is damp with sweat, a dark strip down his back marking his hard work and fatigue. He nods at me but wears the tiniest, most subtly sexy satin smiles I’ve ever seen. “I got it, D.”
Our eyes lock, and without a word, he tells me to step back and let him take over. And I’ve never been more grateful.
After I can sip some coffee and have a bite to eat, when we ride to the Oakcreek-Bluebell town line to get the next set of remains, I’ll be better. I’ll help.
Right now, I just need to shake the squeamish feeling in my gut.
Sterling pulls up bags, not coughing, gagging, or even showing a reaction a single time as he loads them into the tarp-lined burlap Juniper holds open. I glance between them, watching how focused they are, how neither of them budge.
I keep my eyes on Juniper, my heart thudding madly as she sweeps a piece of golden hair behind her ear, then uses her sleeve to wipe Sterl’s forehead free of sweat. He thanks her, and she smiles, and after he returns the smile, he looks my way, and smiles at me, too.
That’s when I realize.
It’s not just the bodies.
I mean, yeah, totally, a lot of my nerves come from the idea of facing more gross remains and worms and shit. But this crush I’ve had on Sterling… I’m realizing as I watch them together—it’s not just a crush. It’s not physical admiration or sexual curiosity, either.
I love Juniper.
But I love Sterling, too.
I am in love with both of them.
A loud bang sounds off somewhere behind us, and I twist to see Hudson Gray’s truck behind his property. When I look back at the oak, I see Juniper and Sterling working hard to back fill the hole, the rest of the remains bagged and knotted. I snap out of my haze and join in, and after the hole is filled, I take a side of the bag opposite Sterl and lift it into an empty drum behind the house. We load it into the bed of the truck as Juniper waits with our thermoses.
Sterl unscrews the lid and pours a capful, sipping it as he surveys the two drums in the truck. “We go to the town lines, then my sanitation plant, and get rid of these once and for all.”
Nerves snake my spine. My head grows fuzzy, and my knees buckle. I don’t know I’m falling, but I watch my black coffee scatter in beads along the hardpan beneath my feet before the wind knocks out of my chest and everything goes dark.
A moment later, or however long, I blink myself awake and find my head in Juniper’s lap, Sterling in a crouch next to me.
Concern lines his hazel eyes as he passes me a bottle of water. “Tell us,” he says, and that's all he says, and that’s all he needs to say. He’s known something was bothering me all morning, because we know each other. Juniper knew, too, in the way she rubbed my back and smiled gently, as if I was the weak link in the group.
I think I am.
“Just… I don’t know,” I lie. But the truth is, I’m embarrassed to admit that right now, I’m really fucking scared.
It’s been incredible with us lately, you know, despite the bodies, and today, I had an epiphany that I’m in love with a woman and a man. That same woman and man who are my best friends. And we also have incriminated ourselves together, for which we could all, in theory, go to prison. Forever.
“The bodies?” Juni asks quietly. I peer up at her, hating the guilt lining her eyes. I don’t want her to feel bad about what’s already done, and as crazy as it sounds, I don’t fault her for what she did.
Not wanting to admit that I’m actually very afraid of loving and losing my two best friends, I nod. “Yeah. Just a little… I don’t know, nervous.”
“It’s gonna be okay, D,” Sterl says, resting his hand on my thigh. It doesn’t matter if there are old, rotted fingers and bones in a drum ten feet away. This man’s large hand swallowing up my thigh has my cock getting thick, and my senses returning. I sit up quickly, leaving Juniper’s safe, warm lap.
“Thanks. Sorry. I feel stupid for… passing out.” I will not say I fainted. And I will not acknowledge that this is my second time fainting.
“Do you want some applesauce?” she asks sweetly, stroking my leg.
“No,” I quip, trying not to be offended but I have no legs to stand on, what with fainting twice. Erm, passing out twice.
Juniper slips her hand into mine, curling her fingers into my palm. “C’mon. We’re gonna go get the rest and finish the job. Then it’s truly just something in the past, okay?” She rocks to her toes and kisses my cheek. “We’re almost ready for the future.”
The future.
When we’re not holed up waiting to dig up remains, what then? Do we just go back to bowling together a few times a week, having pizza and watching movies, but all returning to our own beds and homes? Is what we’re doing now borne from trauma and stress and will it all go back to normal when it’s over?
I can’t bear the idea.
I can’t handle going back to just friends with either of them.
Nodding, I smile and walk her to the truck where I open the door for her. She hops in, and I follow, and Sterling drives us to the town line. I take the reins this time, and dig up the last few bags, passing them to Juni who stuffs them in the second barrel, filling it. Sterling and I lift it back into the truck, then we head to his sanitation plant. The drive is silent, but my mind has never been so loud.
Sterling won’t let Juniper or myself help with the barrels, despite the fact I argue with him. “I don’t want this just on you, in case anything happens. I want to be able to say it was the both of us who burned these barrels,” I tell him, heart racing, adrenaline pumping.
My heart nearly stops when he brings his hand to my neck, cupping it, his thumb resting along my jaw. “Stay with Juniper. She needs you right now.” The way his eyes bore into mine, that hand on my throat feels like a hand on my cock and a hug around my heart.
Nodding, I agree, and sit with Juniper on the tailgate. I’m not sure I know what he means about her needing me until he disappears inside the building, the large metal doors opening to ominous shadowy darkness.
She lifts her gaze to mine, bottom lip trembling, and asks, “Why did I kill them? Why couldn’t I have just walked away?”
I don’t know how to answer, but heat flares behind my ribs when I realize Sterling could see in her eyes that she was on the brink. The same way Juniper knew, back at the oak tree, that I was on edge, about to lose it.
We know each other so well. Better than anyone else does or can, even Juniper’s sisters don’t know her like we do.
I waffle our fingers together, enjoying the way the last few days have silently given me permission to casually touch her. I bring our joined hands to my lips and dust kisses along her knuckles before holding them to my heart, letting her feel my rapid beating.
“Because you’re a kind, caring person who operates from love and morality. They treated you like nothing, and you snapped.”
“How can I operate from love and morality when I mapped out ways to murder them and went through with it?” She shakes her head. “I never let myself go to this place, the place where I cut the bullshit and realize there is no excuse for what I’ve done. Someone can be a jerk and not deserve to be murdered.” Her head falls. “It wasn’t all self-defense.”
I abandon our hand-holding in favor of stroking her back gently, pulling her head into my shoulder. A light breeze passes through, tossing her hair over her face. Leaning forward, stroking the hair back, I tuck it behind her ear as I continually rub her back, hoping to infuse her with calm the way she or Sterling does for me.
“They weren’t good humans, Juni. Okay? That’s all you have to tell yourself at this point. Forget the rest. They weren’t good people. Pedophiles, rapists, wife beaters—you didn’t murder any saints or pastors, okay? Remember that.” I pull her chin up and make her face me. “I love you no matter what, Juniper. Did you know that?”
She sniffles. “I hoped.”
I kiss her lips, the salt of her shedding tears making my heart twist. “Don’t cry, Juniper,” I whisper softly. “It’s going to be okay.”
I hope I’m not lying to her. I hope the three of us will be okay.
She nods as the crunch of Sterling’s feet in the loose gravel have us spinning to face him. He dusts his hands along his thighs. “All done.”
Looking past him, I see the plant is locked up, dark plumes of smoke filtering out of the top. “The burnin’ is done. That’s just some extra shit I put in thereafter.”
He looks between us but catches my gaze. “Everything okay?”
I squeeze Juniper to me as we hop down from the tailgate. “We’re all good.”
We clamber into the truck as my pulse spikes. Sterling starts the engine, the scent of ash and soot trailing him, flooding the cab. I crack the window and lean toward the opening, trying to find a breath of fresh air. The truck rumbles down the bumpy road, and before I know it, Sterling’s door is open and Juniper is watching him lock the security gate on the sanitation compound.
About a mile down the road, I tell myself that I’m fine. I was just consoling Juniper, Sterling did the burning—I should be fine. Fuck, as it is, I already fainted. Twice .
I. Am. Fine.
Despite the fact I sit in the passenger seat completely motionless, my eyes set forward on the road tugging beneath the pickup, on the inside, pressure and panic are building at an alarming rate.
I should be thinking about the consequences of what we’ve done. I should be making a short list of lawyers in my mind. I should be thinking about my parents, and what I’ll say to them if I turn into a headline one day.
All I can think about are the two people in this cab with me.
Last night was too good to even pretend I can, or would, find a fraction of that level of connection somewhere else. I didn’t even know part of me was missing until last night.
My lungs burn and my throat grows tight, the corners of my vision blurring as my pulse picks up. Bracing my hands on the dashboard, I keep my eyes on the CHEVROLET logo beneath my thumb as I calmly say, “Pull over.”
My request is muffled by wind whipping in through the cracked window, the AC, and the quiet radio lulling in the background. “Pull over,” I manage as a bead of sweat swims down the crevasse between my shoulder blades, making my shirt stick to my skin.
“You all right?” Sterl asks as he and Juniper both blink at me.
I motion toward the shoulder of the road as he slows, and use my bodyweight against the door, hopping out before we’ve completely stopped.
It’s quiet out here on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere and yet, I can hardly hear Sterling as he tells Juniper to stay put. I wade out into the tall grass, both hands pulling at my neck as I suck in deep lungfuls of air, chin lifted to the sky.
“Hey,” Sterling calls from behind me.
I blink at the gauzy clouds swimming through the blue sky, taking in one last moment of calm as I steady my breathing. It’s hard, though, because I spin to face Sterling, finding compassion and concern in his eyes, and I just can’t hold on.
“I moved to Bluebell chasing some Hallmark life,” I tell him, my eyes threatening to well with tears. I thought I wanted a peaceful, piece-of-cake life in a small town. I came here for that. But being in a relationship with my best friends? The town petitioned against the tattoo parlor, Ink Time, for Christ’s sake. They’ll never accept us.
I shake my head, dragging my hand down my face as I search for the words. He’s so calm as he wraps an arm around my shoulders, guiding me back to the truck.
“Here,” he says, reaching into the back to snag a bottle of water. I lean against the truck and take the bottle, drinking the whole thing in three big swallows. Heart still racing, I blink at him. He narrows his eyes. “I think we both know Juniper is safe.”
I remain motionless and yet my heartbeat refuses to steady. “Bluebell isn’t built for this,” I tell him, speaking slowly, hoping he will see the way those words give way to my true fears. Bluebell isn’t built to have their beloved jam maker revealed as a murderer, no. But I’m not talking about that. And the way his face softens and he licks his lips, taking a step closer to me, I think he knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“Everything’s going to be fine,” Sterl says, voice brimming with raw masculinity and virility. He splays his large hands against the side of the truck, around my shoulders, pinning me there, his eyes holding mine. “We’re going to be okay,” he says slowly.
With my back against the truck, he stays there, pressed over me, his eyes intensely holding mine. A minute passes, and the longer I stay beneath him, the more sure I feel. The more certain I am that he’s reading my fears and trying to assuage them in the best way he knows how.
“Let’s get out of here, okay?”
I grab his wrist before he pushes off the truck, keeping him there. His eyes drift to where I’m holding him, before coming back to mine. “I wasn’t gonna go for you. I was gonna let you have her. I never planned on going for you. But I always wanted to.” I lick my lips, my heart beating so fast my ears are ringing. “I’ve always wanted you.”
Before I know what’s what, Sterling crushes his mouth to mine, filling me with his breath and tongue, his feral moans and the taste of coffee. My grip on his wrist intensifies, but he pulls back, breathing hard, eyes glassy. “Get in the truck.”
I nod and get in, Juniper immediately waffling her hand with mine. Sterling walks around the front of the truck, headed toward the driver’s side. We watch him together. “He loves you, you know,” she whispers right before he pulls the door open.
“We need to do something normal that has nothing to do with digging, bodies or fires,” Juni says after we’re back on the main road. “Let’s shower and go to Goode’s for a meal, hmm?”
Sterl glances across the cab at me. “You good with that?”
I nod, stroking a hand through my sweaty hair. “Good.”
We could use a slice of pie and normalcy.