Chapter 29
Elisabeth~
I couldn’t see, but even if I could, I wasn’t sure that I wanted to. I didn’t need physical proof that God existed anymore, and I really just wanted to go back to being normal Elisabeth Batya, but I knew that such a thing wasn’t possible; not after everything.
I also didn’t know what was going to happen next, but whatever it was, I was prepared for it.
I was prepared for Heaven or Hell, and if God deemed me worthy enough, then I was prepared to go back to Lazarus and spend the rest of my life knowing that my faith was real, something that most people would never experience.
“You will not be the last, Elisheva,” that familiar voice said. “You will live on forever.”
I choked out a sob, but not because this was the end. Since I could still feel Lazarus with me, I knew that I wasn’t dead, and so that could mean only one thing.
We were going to have a baby.
It also didn’t matter that I was already forty-four or that Lazarus was forty-five.
God was going to make sure that we had a healthy baby, and it was going to be up to us to make sure that he or she followed His plan.
It was going to be up to us to make sure that His message didn’t get lost again.
At least, where our family was concerned.
“I’m sorry,” I cried brokenly, and I meant it. I was so sorry for what we had become.
“I know that you are,” He said. “I know that you are.”
Surrounded in a shroud of darkness, I cried.
I cried like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, and the pain seemed like it was never going to end.
I felt a remorse that shook me to my core, very aware of all the sins that were coursing through my soul.
I hurt for myself, Lazarus, my parents, my patients, and everyone else.
I felt like I was losing myself, even though I knew that I wasn’t.
Though I had no idea how long I cried for, when my anguished wails finally turned into exhausted whimpers, He spoke to me again. “And that is why it had to be you, child.”
Before I could say anything to that, my eyes snapped open as I began gasping for air, and Lazarus’ arms wrapped around me like bands of steel.
My eyes began to water as I tried to gather my bearings, and Lazarus’ voice was like a chaotic symphony of words that I couldn’t quite make out as I still tried to figure out what was happening.
“Jesus fuck,” Lazarus whispered emotionally as he rocked me back and forth. “Fuck, baby.”
When it finally dawned on me where we were, I said, “Quit cursing. We’re in the Lord’s house.”
Lazarus let out a broken laugh as he held me tighter. “Considering everything that we just went through, I’m fairly certain that He’ll give me this one.”
“How did you know I was going to be here?” I asked, my voice a raw mess.
“I didn’t,” he admitted. “It was a guess.”
Needing to sit up, I pulled out of his arms, then sat back against the first pew of the chapel.
Lazarus was sitting up against the altar, and he looked as bad as I felt.
It was then that I felt the sting in my right hand, and when I looked down, the scarred flesh of my palm was in the exact same pattern as the handle of the dagger that I had stabbed myself with.
It was also deep enough that it was never going to go away, and I actually found that comforting for some reason.
“Are you okay?” Lazarus asked me, his voice a soft hesitation, almost like he was afraid that I was going to disappear again.
I looked into his deep brown eyes. “I will be. How about you?”
“Never again,” he answered honestly.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him that he needed to be because we were going to have a baby sometime soon, but I didn’t.
Even though I knew that he’d believe me, telling him that God had spoken to me felt like a betrayal of sorts.
Whatever else happened in the future, I’d be taking it to my grave, and I knew that it was the right thing to do because I didn’t feel any guilt over it.
Eyeing me, he asked, “What happened? Do you remember?”
“It was a test,” I told him. “However, unlike Abraham with Isaac, this one was to prove to both sides that God’s children were still worth saving.”
“What did you have to do?”
“I had to kill myself,” I answered evenly as I showed him my palm. “The pattern is from the dagger that I used, though all my other injuries have seemed to have disappeared.”
Lazarus closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against the altar. “Nice.”
I gave him a pass on his sarcasm because I could only imagine what he was going through right now.
It couldn’t have been easy to be a bystander to something that you’d had no control over, especially for a man.
Refined or not, Lazarus Copeland was still all male, and like most men, he had an inherent need to provide and protect, and I was woman enough to be able to appreciate that particular trait.
“I can’t remember the last time that I took one, but I could use a vacation right about now,” I muttered tiredly. “I’m thinking somewhere cold.”
Lazarus’ head lowered to look at me. “Cold?”
“I’ve got a scar on my ankle and hand from playing too close to the fire, so I can officially say that I’m not a fan of heat, not that I ever really was,” I drawled out.
“I can do a cabin in the snow,” he replied sweetly.
After a few seconds, I asked, “Do you love me, Lazarus?”
“Like I can’t fucking breathe with it,” he replied quickly and easily.
“That’s good to know,” I sighed tiredly. “Very good to know.”
Lazarus eyed me. “Do you love me?”
“I feel like your soul lives inside of me, right next to mine,” I told him honestly. “So, yeah, I love you, Lazarus.”
He didn’t say anything as he crawled my way, then taking me in his arms again, he said, “I will never doubt you again, baby.”
“Lazarus-”
“No, don’t let me off the hook,” he said, interrupting me. “Heaven and Hell aside, I never should have judged what you do. I never should have dismissed that helping people is still noble, no matter which way you go about it. I was an asshole, and I’m so fucking sorry, Elisa.”
“It worked out,” I reminded him as he held me tighter. “We’re fine, Lazarus.”
“I want things to more than just work out, Elisa,” he replied seriously.
“If I can’t protect you, then what good am I?
If I can’t...” He stopped to let out a deep sigh.
“My belief in you, my unwavering support of you, and my love for you are all supposed to make anything that you want possible, and I dropped the ball on that four months ago.”
“You weren’t in love with me four months ago,” I pointed out.
“I’ve been in love with you since my first memories of existence,” he replied sourly, not appreciating how I had dismissed our earlier connection. “I’ve always fucking loved you. The tattoo on my chest should be proof enough.”
“While I can appreciate that, blaming yourself for something that neither of us could have predicted won’t help anything, Lazarus,” I informed him.
“While this is something that neither of us will ever forget, we came through this for a reason, and regret isn’t that reason.
We are a symbol of something great, and we need to always remember that. ”
After a few seconds of silence, he said, “I need more than just this one lifetime with you, Elisa. I need to love you in the next life or meet up with you in Heaven, but whichever, I just know that I need you forever. I need you eternally, baby.”
I didn’t say anything to that because there was nothing to say. We both knew that neither of us had any control over what happened next, and so all we could do was hold onto our faith and to each other; the rest we could deal with as it came at us.
I also wasn’t scared. Instead, I felt a certain kind of freedom that my faith had finally been proven true.
While I hadn’t ever doubted my belief in God, it was still hard not to struggle when you heard about school shootings, child trafficking, and animal abuse.
Nonetheless, I’d rather struggle with the evil in the world than ever become desensitized to it.
I never wanted to be able to witness human or animal cruelty and not feel anything; I didn’t ever want to have to explain something like that to God when the time came.
“Maybe we should head to my office,” I suggested before letting out another tired sigh. “Sooner or later, someone’s going to need the chapel.”
“You’ve got a point,” he replied, sounding just as tired as I felt.
Five minutes later, we were in my office, but it was just for show.
Lazarus had told Juliette and Milo that he was here to see me for help with a patient, and so the plan was to hang out for a little while longer before taking our leave.
However, truth be told, I wasn’t opposed to just going to sleep here in my office.
I was exhausted, and I knew that Lazarus had to be, too.
After all, it wasn’t every day that you fought a legion of demons.