Chapter 13
Chapter
Thirteen
“ W hat about this?” I braided my hair again for the fourth time, this time a French braid straight down the middle, and I frown. It’s still not right.
“Finn’s sister will not care whether your hair is braided or down or messy. She just wants to meet you, to get to know you. You’re now very close to being fully mated to her brother; you just need to go through a ceremony again. I’m sure that will come along soon because your mates will have an appointment with the priest the second that they’re back open.”
I haven’t thought about that part yet. The problem with the ceremony is the bond will link all of us, including Hollis, and he will hate me for that. If I accept the mating and he doesn’t…I’d have to feel him reject me, and I’m not sure how my Nexus would react to that. She would lose her shit, I’d expect, completely lose it, and I don’t want to ruin what peace we have found, but I also want that final connection. To officially and magically be bonded to them on every level.
“Yeah, I know, just…I want to make a good impression because Finnegan just—” I stop. I don’t know what I’m saying, I’m just nervous. “I’m not good with relationships or any of this messy stuff. So it’s important to me that I get this right.” I down the conception mix that I take monthly now to stop any unwanted pregnancies. The last thing I need right now is a baby. Or want. I’m not sure I want kids at all when they could be cursed like I was as a kid. The academy give all trainees shots, but they aren’t a hundred per cent and I like to be certain when it comes to this. Plus, my Nexus always grumbles when I take the mix and that worries me enough to make sure I take it. A nexus with a breeding kink and five, kinda six, mates? Hell fucking no.
“You’re doing great,” Annie softly offers, looking up from her phone. I still don’t have my phone back from wherever it disappeared to when the academy was locked down, and going shopping for a new one is out of the question. I need to ask one of the guys to pick me one up. “Now I’m going to leave you to it. I’ve got a study break this morning, and I’m already exhausted. I need to get it done, ready for Aleksander’s lesson later. I’m going to go to the library to focus in peace. Good luck and see you later in class.”
“Thank you.” I hug her before she leaves, and she smiles. “I know, I’m hugging now. It’s a new thing I’m trying.”
“It’s that happy effect on you,” she shouts over her shoulder before the door shuts, so she doesn’t see me rolling my eyes at her. Should I get changed again? What if she doesn’t like my clothes? I’m in a top that has a Taylor Swift-inspired lake district painting across the front of it, from some knock-off shop that Rhodes found and bought me a few of the tops, knowing that I’d love them. This one I love the most because “The Lakes” is my favourite song. My jeans are high-waisted and dark, and I have my favourite boots on too.
My body’s still aching from early morning private training with Rhodes, but at least it was better than my dream state classes because my Nexus is hiding after what happened on the stairs. She feels like a wounded animal, and I don’t know how to fix her. The dream, or vision or whatever it was, doesn’t make sense either. It’s not a memory…because how would that have happened? It can’t be. I figure it was me crying, but was there another baby there? Where did that baby come from? Why does it feel like I’m being really stupid and just missing something? I told Rhodes about the dream, and Finnegan too, but they can’t figure it out either. I keep staring at the carved statue of me on my bedside like it’s screaming at me to go and see Beta Francis, but getting away from here with the rite coming up and too many eyes isn’t happening anytime soon. The next rite trial is in two days now, and the fear of what could happen is breathing down my neck. Thankfully, no more assassins have tried to kill me. Small bonus. Not for my Nexus, though.
There’s a knock on the door that pulls me from my spiralling thoughts, and I smooth down my clothes one more time before opening the door.
Finnegan’s there, and his sister is standing at his side, and hell, she looks just like him. A smaller female version, though. “Would you believe me if I told you this is the first I’ve seen my brother nervous except for when he was six and he ate bad soup at the farm, and there was no toilet nearby?—”
“Please, please stop talking,” Finnegan mutters, softly elbowing her shoulder.
She rolls her eyes. “I’ve never seen him nervous in his entire life. He’s usually really sure about everything.” She smiles widely. “I’ll tell you the rest of that story and a dozen more embarrassing ones soon.”
“I’m regretting this already.” Finnegan grunts. “Gwenieve, this is my sister, Feyre. Feyre, this is my mate, Gwenieve. I call her Sun because she is the light of my life, but she likes to be called Gwen by others.”
“Urgh, your romantic side is nauseating.” Feyre rolls her eyes at him and faces me. “Is he always like that with you?”
“I like it—him—all of him. It. Oh my Gods, I like him.” I blurt out a mixture of words that make me sound crazy. “I’m really nervous too because I want you to like me because I love him.”
Her blue eyes sparkle. “Good. I’m just really glad to finally meet you.” She steps up to me and throws her arms around my shoulders for a short hug. When she steps back, I really look at Feyre. Her hair is the same brown colour as Finn’s, but she’s shorter than me, paler than me, too. She’s wearing dark Converse with flowers painted on them, and tight skinny black jeans and a black shirt. There’s a tattoo on her upper arm, one of the twin Gods. “I don’t know what my brother told you about me, but none of it is true. I’m actually a very nice person.”
Finnegan’s face says everything. “She’s also very good at being sarcastic.”
“Is that a family trait? Because Finn’s really good at that, too.” I cock my head to the side.
“It is.” Feyre nods. “Before we go and have lunch, I have to ask you one serious thing because Finn’s my family. You’re not going to hurt him again, are you? You rejected him and he… That broke my brother more than me being sick did. I had to watch him fight to survive this academy with a broken heart, then he didn’t stop fighting. He fought his way to the top of his career just to escape the pain you caused. I just need to know that his heart is safe with you, because he may act strong to everybody else, like a big grumpy giant, but truthfully, he’s soft-hearted, and I don’t think he could deal with you breaking it again.”
“Feyre, that’s too far?—”
“No, it’s not.” I stop him. “Every choice, beginning with the rejection, was to protect your brother and the others. I was fifteen, and I knew I’d die to make sure they were alive. I can’t change it, but I’m not running. I know what it cost us all. It haunts me what it cost us. Those years are gone and we can’t get them back, but we can move forward, and trust is a big part of that. I won’t hurt him. I won’t run.”
She smiles. “Good, that’s the answer I wanted. Welcome to the fucked-up family. My father is the worst. I’m next, and Finnegan is considered the normal one.”
That’s not concerning at all. Feyre takes my arm and pulls me from the door, and makes me follow her down the corridor. Damn, she is strong. We go down to the cafeteria, and we get a table to grab some food before sitting down. I nibble on a ham sandwich as she tells me about Finnegan’s childhood, all the embarrassing stories, and Finnegan just smiles at us the entire time. When we get to a comfortable silence, I ask her what I’ve been meaning to ask Finnegan. “Finn told me you were sick but never really went into details.”
“He didn’t want to worry you, I bet.” She looks at him. “It should be talked about more, considering you pay for my private treatment. The assassin work you do.” It all clicks into place now about why he does it. He nods at me and I know he doesn’t want me to argue it right now. “It’s expensive and costly to keep me alive. But basically, when I was born, my Nexus wasn’t fully fused to my soul. It happens sometimes. Sometimes we’re born not right. Years ago, babies like me used to just be killed at birth because it was thought to be kinder than letting us live. But now, if you have enough money, there are treatments. When a Nexus dies in the city, the light that they leave behind is captured at the moment of their death, with their permission, of course, and that light can be used to power up my Nexus. At least for me, anyway, it keeps me going. I need the treatments every four weeks on the dot. Or, well, I’ll die, a painful death, slowly, as my Nexus fully rips away from my soul.” She shrugs like that is nothing. Like it isn’t horrifying to think about. “I’ve just had a treatment and I’m super strong at the moment.”
I lean my head on my arm. “And there’s no permanent treatment for this?”
“Not yet, but the scientists in Morriganis City are working really hard. If anyone’s going to figure out a way to treat it permanently, it’d be them. I’m just glad for every day I get.” I actually see it. But for Finnegan and his dad? They must be terrified every day.
“Do you have a mate?” I ask her.
“I don’t know. They don’t allow people like me to add our blood to the database and find out. My connection with my Nexus is so weak nearly all the time I don’t think I’d know if I had a mate even standing right in front of me,” she admits. “I don’t have powers either. Or I can’t access them.”
“I’m sorry, that’s really horrible cards to be dealt in life.” I sigh.
“It could be worse,” she offers, looking at me. She knows a lot then. “For what it is worth, I know you didn’t make the Mortal God kill those people. Most people know that.”
Not all of them, though. The history books are going to write me as a monster either way. “It’s really nice to meet you. Unfortunately, I do have class in half an hour, and I need to get changed.”
“Of course.” She touches my hand. “It was really lovely to meet you. Maybe we can hang out privately sometime without Mr. Overbearing here looking nervous.”
“I’m not…” Finnegan shakes his head. “Fine. The two of you alone seems like trouble.”
I wink at him. “It’s because it would be.” I kiss Finnegan’s cheek before leaving to go back to the room. I quickly get changed and grab my Nex dagger before heading off to class. When I walk in, there’s a crowd gathered around by the balcony outside the training room, and I look at the clock. I’m bang on time, and Alek doesn’t ever begin the class early. What’s going on? Alek steps into my path the second I get close to the balcony door. “Don’t go out there.”
“What’s going on?” I frown.
He rubs the back of his neck. “Hollis is making the worst choice of his life, and I don’t want you hurt, so stay here with me.” I step around him and he leans in. “I’m sorry,” he whispers as I pass him. The crowd parts for me until I can see them—Hollis and Rochelle, her arms flung around his neck, tears down her face as she laughs in joy. Her bright blonde hair flows in the wind. They look like a Pinterest photo of the perfect couple. There’s a diamond ring on her finger, glittering in the sunlight. He proposed to her, right outside my class, knowing I was walking in here.
My Nexus, who has been completely MIA, reels to life in my mind, making me wince at the pain she causes as she claws her way to the surface to watch. I barely manage to push her down as she strives to take over. Her anger is suffocating.
Alek touches my arm, but I can’t feel any comfort, anything other than anger. So much anger. The world is tipping into red. “Congratulations on your proposal.” There’s a sourness to his voice. He definitely doesn’t mean it. “But this is a class. Everyone back inside, we have got training to do, and this is over.” Hollis doesn’t look at me, even when I know he senses me here. It’s because I’m nothing to him. It’s because he is rejecting me and he wants to hurt me. I shake my head. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. Class will be good,” I answer Alek, but I feel numb. I feel like nothing. He searches my eyes, his jaw tight as he walks away. I look over as Rochelle comes back in and Georgina rushes up to her, hugging her tight like they have been friends forever.
“Congratulations, true love always wins,” she cheers. Fuck her.
“I know. I’m so lucky to have him,” Rochelle cries out. Fuck her too.
I look away before I do something stupid. Fucking assholes. I’m so tired of them, of Hollis. Of everything. They deserve to be friends with each other. But Hollis proposing—that’s permanent. There’s no taking that back. If he marries her, that’s too permanent. I don’t know why I didn’t expect it to happen, but I thought…I don’t know what I thought would happen. There wasn’t a happy ending for us, something written in the stars, there was just pain.
My Nexus is furious, absolutely furious and hurt.
“Today we’re practicing our powers. I’d like anyone with aggressively outward powers to step forward. There’s a row of targets here, and I want you to destroy them. Gwenieve, what power do you intend to use?”
“It would be good to practice the metal one,” I respond, but it’s like I’m watching myself move through a storm. It’s not real. This isn’t real.
“Okay.” My brows rise as Howard moves to my side. Along with five other students.
Alek looks at him. “Your power is phasing. That’s not an outward power.”
“I’ve been practising and I can…and I can phase myself, but I’ve also worked out. I can phase weapons to my hands and control where they go,” Howard nervously explains.
“Interesting.” Alek nods.
“I’ve been training with my friends.” He looks at me and I smile his way. Helping Howard was a good thing to do. He is a nice person…and he shouldn’t be friends with me.
“Very well.” Alek steps aside. His arms go behind his back as he observes us. “Let’s begin.”
The others go first and I watch as they use elements to destroy their targets with ease. When it’s my turn, I reach for my power, and my Nexus uses the moment to take control with a slam into my mind, and I wince as I’m pushed back. NO! I watch through her eyes as she melts the metal swords into a plank of metal, like a wall, and she throws it straight at Rochelle. Rochelle is laughing with Georgina, and she doesn’t see it coming as the metal slams straight into her with an echoing smack. She screams as she flies through the air with it and cracks the wall with the impact.
Alek’s arms tightly wrap around me from behind. “Shift back and right fucking now, Nexus mate,” he commands into my ear. My Nexus growls at him. “I mean it, Nexus. You’re going to ruin everything for Gwen, and I know you love her, so shift the fuck back and let me do damage control.”
She listens to him and leaves me to face the consequences of her actions. Again. Rochelle isn’t moving. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”
Everyone’s staring at me in horror, but Georgina falls to her knees at Rochelle’s side. Light, like an angel or a star, beams from Georgina. Everyone looks at her and gasps in delight. “Georgina, she’s amazing. Isn’t she? Look at that power, and she is saving Rochelle from Gwen.”
Dewy, a tiger shifter, looks at me and points. “People like her shouldn’t be allowed in here. She can’t control her Nexus.”
“That’s enough.” Alek walks to Rochelle and Georgina. “Everyone knows the risks that come with training to be a ranger. Well done, Georgina, for healing Rochelle.”
She smiles up at him, touching his leg. “You’re welcome. Like I told you in your room earlier, I can heal anything.”
His room?
It’s not fury but pain that nearly brings me to my knees. His room? Is this why he has been distant with me? Does he want her? Of course he does…
Dewy isn’t done. “It’s not fair. She shouldn’t be in here. She’s a monster.”
That word rings in my ears. Alek is walking to me as Hollis comes into the room and he sees Rochelle.
“What the fuck did you do?” he asks, jogging to her, and my heart just breaks.
I can’t be here. I don’t know where I’m going until I climb up onto the roof and shut the door behind me. It’s not raining as I sit down on my knees and weep into my hands. I must be sitting up there for an hour, because it’s nighttime by the time I hear Alek. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I don’t know why I didn’t think to check the roof.”
I’m on my knees looking up at the stars, my cheeks wet. “Do you think, if I prayed hard enough to them, they would change what I am?”
“I don’t hate what you are.” He kneels behind me. “And for the record between us, I came back to my room with my breakfast and found her in there. I told her to leave, and she tried to talk her way into staying by offering to heal a cut on my neck from class yesterday where a student threw a weapon my way by accident. I told her to get out, and I went straight to the main office to tighten the spells on my room, and apparently, they had been taken down.” He sighs. “Gwen, I would never do that to you.”
His forehead presses against the top of my back, and he kisses me once. I shiver as I look up at the stars. The endless night of them spread out in every direction. “She’s perfect for you all. She’s a healer, kind and gentle. They are right to tell you to bond with her and forget me. Her Nexus is pure light, and I’m an evil monster.” He doesn’t leave as I cry and stare at the stars. “They made me like this and cursed me. I was born to destroy, and I wouldn’t blame you for rejecting me right back.”
“I love you.” Aleksander’s vow echoes around me in the night, and I can’t help but burst into tears. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me to his chest, holding me to him. “I love you and choose you. She isn’t the light in the darkness, Gwen, that is you. You’re the star, shining so brightly that I’ve never been able to look away.” He kisses my cheek, kisses my tears. “And you’re mine as much as I am yours. I pray to the Gods every night and thank them for you. I thank them for creating every inch of you, including your Nexus. You are not a monster. You are not evil or cursed. You are mine and I love you.”
“How can you say that and yet you have been pushing me away?”
He breathes in low. “It’s because you don’t remember me. You don’t remember how we first met. I need you to remember me, and I need you to tell me. Until then, it will hover between us. It’s unfinished business, but it doesn’t mean I am not yours. Don’t ever doubt that I belong to you.”
“Tell me.”
“I can’t.” His voice is raw and I believe him…but I don’t remember. Why can’t I remember? “Look at the stars, Gwen. They didn’t curse you; they gave you everything you could ever need. We will figure the rest out with time. Let me hold you.”
For the first time, I look at the stars, and even though they feel like they are staring right back…it doesn’t freak me out as much as it did. I’m curious what they want with me.