Chapter 23
ADELINA
What happened in there? I still couldn’t make sense of it. Why didn’t he snap? Why wouldn’t he? He couldn’t have forgotten—we agreed on that signal. His mind had gone somewhere far, somewhere I couldn’t reach, and I hated it. I hated that I’d pushed him there.
My hands were still trembling as I reached the kitchen. All I needed were the damn cookies I bought and a bottle of water. Why the hell didn’t I already have those in the room? Amateur hour. And Dorin just had to be standing right there.
I tried to walk past him, avoid eye contact, avoid the conversation entirely, but he was too observant for his own good. His footsteps followed mine, and before I could stop him, he pulled my face up.
“Lina, why do you look scared?”
The tears betrayed me. I could feel them, and I despised every second of it. Weakness never felt safe. Dorin was the only person I could ever crumble in front of without drowning in shame.
In that room with Cezar, I wanted to break down. I wanted to hold him, cry with him, tell him he wasn’t alone, tell him I wasn’t going anywhere. But I couldn’t. Not then. He needed strength, not both of us falling apart.
One day, we could fall apart together.
“Hey, what the fuck happened? Did he do some—”
“No, Dorin…” I cut him off before he could go any further. My throat constricted. “It wasn’t him. I fucked up.”
The words barely came out of me. I could feel myself unraveling, everything inside tightening until it hurt to breathe. I wanted to full-on ugly cry, but I swallowed it down, trying to hold myself together.
“Okay… all right, just calm down a bit, yeah? It’ll be fine. You’re grabbing the shit you bought for him, so I know he isn’t dead. So… what happened?” Dorin pulled me tighter.
I held on to him, forcing the words out. I told him everything. Every second of what happened. Every fucking mistake I made. And every time something painful came out of my mouth, I felt him tense, just slightly, trying not to react.
“Dorin, I don’t know why he didn’t snap. Why would he just let me keep going? Fuck, he thought I was going to kill him.” The guilt slammed into me all over again. “I hate that he thought that. I hate that he was okay with it.”
I hated how much I cared about him.
“Lina, do you think he wants to die?”
That question—I’d never let myself consider that.
Cezar was reckless, sure. He didn’t give a shit about danger. He ran toward death like it was a goddamn game. But wanting to die? Wanting that kind of end?
I knew his life wasn’t easy. I knew his father was a monster. I knew he carried scars no one could see. But this… this was different. For the first time, he’d let me see the whole truth, inside his soul. And it was so fucking lonely.
“Lina, Cezar is complicated. You know that. We don’t know everything that happens when he isn’t with us.
” He exhaled. “The way he looks at you… it’s like you’re the only brightness he’s seen in years.
Maybe ever. Maybe that’s enough for him.
Why don’t you just go talk to him? Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything he wouldn’t tell you, which you haven’t even exploited that yet. ”
Always fucking right.
“Ugh, what am I doing?” I mumbled, mostly to myself. None of this made sense. Not him. Not me. Not whatever the hell was happening between us.
Standing here wasn’t helping. Too much time had passed already. I needed to get back to the room. I needed to see him. Hopefully, he was still awake. I was exhausted, and I knew he had to be too.