Chapter 10 #2
Until the next millennium, I want to say. “Let’s review these books and programs. Potty train in twenty-four hours, three days, five days, a week, or over a six-month time period. What’s your poison?”
She scrunches up her nose. “I want the one that works.”
“Sure.” I give her a side hug. “We all do.”
She turns her head to me. “So, what’s going to work?”
“The one your child responds to.” Shoulder squeeze.
“How would I know the answer?”
“You don’t until you try.” Tighter shoulder squeeze. “But the good news is I tried all seventy-three programs with mine, and I am an expert in the field while also being a total failure.”
She scoffs at me. “You’re just trying to make me feel better.”
I wish. With all my heart, I wish.
We come up with a plan, and out of love, I don’t tell her it won’t work. All potty training plans fail. Bless her heart when she calls me to come up with another strategy. Been there. Bought the T-shirt.
While we walk a few more aisles, my phone’s default ringtone sounds. I glance down, and the name of my caller pops on the screen. Hercules. I purse my lips and try to tone down my grin. My stomach whooshes like I’m on the downside of a roller coaster hill. “It’s Harlan.”
Sally’s eyes bug out, and her gleeful smile almost blinds me.
I turn my body and hug the diaper shelf. “Hello?”
Nothing.
The phone continues to ring, and I stab repeatedly at the screen to accept the call, lamenting the untimely loss of its sensitivity. I’m going to have to get this fixed when I get home.
Finally, my phone acquiesces and answers the call.
“Hey.” My breathy answer releases as I knock down a tub of Vaseline.
“What are you doing?” His deep voice resonates in my ear.
I place the fallen product back on the shelf. “Looking at rash creams.”
Silence.
Oh, shoot. My hand slaps my forehead. “For bottoms.” I nod at the Desitin as if he can see me.
More silence.
Oh, shoot again. Fix it. Fix it fast. “For babies.” My high-pitched voice carries through the store.
Harlan’s boisterous laughter causes me to pull the phone away from my ear.
I blow out a loud sigh. “Can I have a do-over on this conversation?”
“Sure. Hey, Meredith”—his voice rumbles with amusement—“what are you up to?”
I try to mask my mortification with a neutral tone. “I’m at All Things Baby Mart with Sally.”
The ominous sound of a distorted electric guitar, followed by a computerized “I am Iron Man,” causes my head to snap up.
Sally bounces on her toes. “It’s Spence.” She fumbles through her purse for her phone.
Harlan calls my name through my cell.
“Oh, sorry. Spence is calling Sally. His ringtone is the theme song from Iron Man.”
“He wishes,” Harlan says. “He played a small role in the first one. Spence talks schmack to Robert, claiming he would’ve made a better Iron Man.”
Robert. As in Robert Downey Jr.
“You people aren’t normal,” I say with breathy exasperation.
Harlan chuckles.
“Babe.” Sally beams at the ground, her phone to her ear. “We’re at All Things Baby Mart.” Pause. “I agree, but Meredith is a genius. She’s revolutionizing our lives with this one trip.” She flashes a smile at me, then stares back at the floor. “What, babe?”
I turn my attention back to Harlan. “Did you call for something in particular?”
Sally’s hand waves. “Meredith, Spence and I are wondering if we can crash you and Harlan’s fancy dinner plans tonight so we can spend one more meal with you. Would you guys mind?”
I hold up my finger. “One sec.” As I tuck my chin down and turn, the butterflies in my stomach and I address Harlan. “Um, do I have fancy dinner plans with you tonight?”
“That’s why I’m calling,” he says. “Would you like to have fancy dinner plans with me tonight?”
My face flushes, and I hover over the baby wipes section. “I would. Thank you.” Now I’m grinning like an idiot at the travel-sized packages of disposable wipes for sensitive skin. “Sally said she and Spence want to join.”
Harlan growls. Like, a real-life growl. “Tell her I’ll share you for part of the night, but after dinner I’m kicking them out. I want you all to myself later, even if it’s only a little while.”
The butterflies in my stomach go wild. “Later,” I say, my voice filled with giddy excitement.
“Later,” Harlan says, his deep voice saying the word so much better than I do.
I am really starting to love the thought of later.
I turn around, give Sally a thumbs-up, cover the speaker of the phone, and hold it away while I whisper like the giddy junior high girl that I am, “He says dinner is fine, but he wants me all to himself after that.”
Her eyes light with a twinkle of mischief. “He wants you alone for dessert?”
Horrified, I gasp. “What? No. Just to have some time alone.”
The twinkle sparks brighter. “For dessert.”
“No!” I lower my voice and lean toward her. “No. Just to . . . just to . . .” Just to what? How am I supposed to fill in that answer?
How do I want to fill in that answer?
She turns the cart and heads to the recliners, laughing all the way.
I shake off the butterflies, kind of, and remember what I wanted to say to Harlan. “Can you do me a favor? Can you please go check on Penelope? We left her with the kids, and this outing is taking longer than planned.”
“I’ll check on her, but I’m sure she whipped them into shape. How’s your day going?”
“Well, I think,” I say, my voice excited, “I’m useful. I have a purpose. I mean, no way am I going to tell Sally potty training will make her question her sanity, but I’m getting to encourage her and talk her through what she needs, and it feels . . .”
Harlan’s low voice fills my ear. “What does it feel like, Meredith?”
“Like living,” I whisper, the answer causing tears to prick my eyes. Yessssss. This feels like living.
“That’s wonderful,” he says. I can hear the smile in his voice coupled with something that makes me think he gets it. And maybe even that he’s proud of me.
“Gotta go, Harlan. We still need to hit three more stores.” My eyes follow Sally to the gliders. “By the way, who are Sally’s friends who dropped the ball and let her get this far into motherhood without covering the basics?”
“From what little Spence has shared, she doesn’t have the best support system. My guess is life in and around Hollywood can’t help. You’re probably a breath of fresh air to her.”
“Oh.” I take the cord from a nearby wipes warmer display and wrap it around my forefinger.
“Hey, before I let you go,” he says, “when you said potty training will make Sally question her sanity, does that also apply to nighttime training? Alex has mastered daytime control, so now she’s working on keeping her panties dry through the night.
I just bought this book, and it says I should give her a giant party each morning she succeeds.
Apparently she’ll be trained within a week. It doesn’t seem hard.”
“Right.” I suck in my lips to stifle my laugh. “We used that method.”
Four times.