Chapter 32 #2
“Just until Harlan’s family gets here. I mean, if he needs me longer, I can stay. But I don’t want to be in the way.” I pause. “I don’t want to make Olivia uncomfortable. And I don’t want to confuse Alex.”
She takes in a deep breath and nods. After she steps on the elevator, she turns. “Thank you for coming, Meredith.”
Penelope and I stand on the front lines, side by side. I don’t know when it happened, but we are now allies. Under different circumstances, we might have even become friends.
With one bed and one chair in Alex’s hospital room, Harlan and I switch off staying awake with Alex through the night. We don’t say much to each other. A pat on the back here, a squeeze of support there.
The night nurse comes and goes, checking vitals, drawing blood, and offering somber smiles.
With no change in her condition, Alex sleeps peacefully in sedation while we wait.
Not entirely sure how much later, I wake to the sounds of an orderly shuffling a cart. Sitting up, I stretch my arms over my head.
Harlan’s bloodshot eyes remain fixed on his daughter’s face. “I keep trying to figure out how to fix this. I should have been there.” His gravelly voice fills with regret as he locks his eyes on mine. “Do you ever think that? That you could have stopped it?”
I bite the inside of my cheek to stop the tears. “Every day,” I force out.
His stare returns to Alex.
The clack of high heels against tile announces Penelope’s arrival before she crosses into our room. “I’ve been working with the airlines this morning. It looks like everyone should be here by noon.”
My chest tightens, and I swallow the lump of disappointment. Somehow I wanted more time.
I sense Harlan’s attention on me, but I keep my eyes on Penelope. If I even glance at him, I’ll fall apart.
“I’ll go look at flights and figure out when I can leave,” I say. Penelope’s probably already done this, but the comment is my getaway car. “My trip home to Texas won’t be affected by the storms.”
I force myself to move my feet and make a beeline down the hallway to the women’s restroom.
The small area only holds two stalls. I step into the larger one, slide down the wall, and sit on the cold tile floor.
Tears flow down my cheeks. Some are for the whirlwind of the last twenty-four hours.
Others fall for a little girl who fights for her life.
Then others for my own broken heart. My separation from Harlan.
Flashes of different hospitals. Three cherished ones lost.
“Meredith?” Penelope’s plush black heels peek from under the door.
“I’m sorry, Penelope.” I pull toilet paper off the holder. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
She pushes the unlocked door open, sits, and folds her legs under her as if she gets on the floor of a public bathroom wearing a pencil skirt every day. Without saying a word, she takes my hand.
“The good news is we’re in a restroom, so there are plenty of supplies for cries like this,” I say, pointing to the toilet paper. My attempt at humor is lame.
She offers a small smile. “I couldn’t have planned it better myself.”
“How long until I need to go to the airport?” I wipe the tissue under my eyes.
“Two hours.” She releases her hold and smooths her skirt. “I wanted to reroute you to Colorado Springs to salvage the real estate deal, but I called Prissy first.” Her movements stop. “You lost the house, Meredith. I’m sorry.”
The pain is acute, and I swallow it down. “When does Olivia get here?”
“After you leave.”
I try to toss my toilet paper into the trash can, and it bounces off the side. “That’s for the best, I think.” Leaning over, I pick up my missed shot and drop it in the metal container. “Thank you.”
The next two hours pass with encouraging developments.
While making morning rounds, Alex’s doctor evaluates her progress.
They test her without the ventilator, and she attempts to breathe on her own.
Now her medical team will lower the medication dose in increments to see how she reacts.
With a decrease in brain swelling and a fully functioning little body, all indicators point to a calming storm.
Everyone sits easier after learning the positive prognosis.
The second breath of fresh air comes with the arrival of Harlan’s brother and mother. William doesn’t plan to stay in town long but didn’t want Mama Lee to travel by herself. Gracie, still sick from pregnancy and home alone with the boys, is eager for her husband’s return.
Much to everyone’s surprise, William brought his guitar.
Sitting on the end of the bed, he strums a few of Alex’s favorites.
Harlan leans against the wall, arms crossed, eyes on his child.
Mama Lee holds her granddaughter’s pudgy hand in her weathered one.
As I consider each person in the room, I’m reminded of the warmth of belonging.
But I no longer belong to the Holcombes, and the ache is almost unbearable.
When it’s time to get to the airport, Penelope glances at me.
I move to the door, and William asks, “Taking a breather?”
“No, actually.” After readying my purse and luggage, I turn back to him. “I’m heading back to Texas.”
He slides a glance to Harlan, then back to me.
“I was just the backup.” My gentle words are meant only for him. “You’re the ones Alex needs now.”
His piercing gaze is unnerving. “I’m not sure that’s right.”
Mustering up a gracious exit, I square my shoulders. “Good to see you again, William. Keep playing your guitar.” I point to the monitor next to Alex’s bed. “Her heart rate slows down with the music. And please give Gracie my best.” As I step past him, I squeeze his arm.
Mama Lee reaches across the bed for me. With our arms linked over Alex, I dip down to kiss the sweet girl on the forehead.
In heavy silence, Harlan and I trudge to the elevator.
“I don’t feel right about this.” He speaks his quiet words to the floor.
“Penelope will update me. I’ll keep praying for each of you.” Looking away, I try to gather my resolve. I finally lean in to push the down button. “My presence will cause unnecessary stress.”
He stops my arm. “Not for me.”
“Mostly for you. And for your daughter.” I shrug. “Alex needs her parents here. She needs Olivia to be the best version of herself. And she needs consistency.”
“I just . . . This is wrong.” With a sigh, he shifts his weight. “I needed you. I didn’t know how much,” he says almost to himself. He takes my hand, caressing it with his thumb. “I know it’s not fair to ask. But everything in me wants to beg you to stay.”
Tears sting my eyes. “I’d do it, Harlan. You know I would. Because I love you, and because I love that little girl in there.” My voice wobbles as I stare into his deep brown eyes. “It will cost me. But I will stay if you ask me to.”
With a tortured expression, he pulls me in, wraps his arms around me, and presses his forehead against mine.
A tidal wave of regret crashes over me.
I should have given him time. The thought steals the breath right out of me. Please, make this excruciating pain go away. I should have given him more time.
I’m such a hypocrite. I walk around asking everyone else to give me time and space to grieve, but I couldn’t give him more than one night to figure out the rest of our lives.
“I’m sorry.” I hiccup through a sob. “I’m so sorry.” I’m only beginning to understand all the things I’m sorry for, and it’s more than I can take in, standing in his arms in the hallway of a hospital. It takes great effort to suck in my next intake of oxygen.
“You were right, Meredith.” He whispers his words against my lips.
I close my eyes, terrified of what he thinks I was right about.
He lifts his head to press a kiss to my forehead. “Even after all of this. There’s still love.”
My body melts into his as we share oxygen between us. But when the elevator dings, I peel myself away.
His comment is so final, I know he won’t ask me to stay.
Which is why I turn around and step onto the elevator. And when the doors close, I stumble to the back wall so it can hold my weight while I sob. My tears again are for my loss. Only this time, the fault lies on my shoulders alone.