Chapter 23
Define this?
How was I supposed to define literally every single part of a relationship I didn’t know how to have? How was I supposed to define all the ridiculous parts of being a woman I apparently failed at daily?
I didn’t know how to do any of this.
Ever since I’d woken in Gray’s arms this morning, long before he’d shifted and found the ring I’d successfully kept hidden for months, I’d been in my head, slowly torturing myself. After our conversation, those thoughts had only turned more rampant.
What if we still fight all the time? I know what I told him and what he said to Briggs, but is it weird to physically fight now that we’re . . . I don’t know . . . different?
Am I supposed to be all swoony and lovey around him, the way Chloe and Lainey get around the guys? Wait, have I been like that? Oh no . . .
And am I expected to kiss him every time I see him? Actually, can I kiss him all the time? Because, after last night . . . yes, please.
Am I just expected to change my last name now? Not that I hated the rush I got when he called me Mrs. Gray . . . but still. Is that what he expects? Would I even care? The name Monroe means nothing to me.
Goodness, why didn’t my parents or my life prepare me for this?
What if Gray’s disappointed by how terrible I am at literally every part of this? What if he regrets it? Regrets me?
What if I push him away without even trying?
Seriously, being a girl is the worst.
Just as I felt myself mentally shutting down, one of Gray’s large hands curled around my cheek, prompting me to look at him.
“Need you to talk to me before we send ourselves back to the place we just got out of,” he gently begged, his pale eyes searching mine. “Even if that means you’re not ready to live together.”
Every insecurity rushed to the surface and gathered on my tongue, but I struggled to push back the thoughts consuming my mind and tried thinking of anything else to tell him.
But the hesitation and seconds spent trying not to let those damaging thoughts break free had Gray’s hand falling away. Resignation and disappointment swept across his features before he could hide them.
“I’m worried I’ll disappoint you,” I blurted out, prompting his brows to lift in surprise and question.
“I don’t know how to do any of this, and I’m worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing, like right now.
” A self-deprecating laugh tumbled free.
“I don’t know how to live with anyone, and it scares me to let anyone into my space—even you.
Even though, honestly, you’re the only one I’d probably have ever considered allowing in here, and you’re already here.
And, yes, it does feel fast because we were barely talking yesterday, but I’m afraid of pushing you even further away because pushing you away hurts. ”
At that, relief and amusement tugged at the corners of Gray’s mouth.
“And what if you get frustrated with me because I don’t know how to do this?
” I asked, gesturing between us. “I’ve never dated anyone, Gray, and I’m learning just how terrible I am at being a woman.
What if that all gets to be too much for you?
What if I don’t know how to stop being the way we were, and what if that isn’t enough for you? ”
Gray’s eyes had danced as he listened, but when my hurried ramble turned into a helpless stare, he asked, “You done?”
My lips parted, but a defeated breath left me before I admitted, “Yeah.”
“Who knew you were capable of a full-blown spiral?”
“Shut up,” I mumbled as embarrassment swept through me, my hand shoving into his chest.
Just as one of those worries crept back in at the automatic reaction, Gray caught my hand in his before I could remove it. He passed his mouth across my wrist as he moved to sit beside me on the couch, unleashing one of those devastating smiles and those infuriating dimples on me.
“Nothing about you could ever disappoint me,” he vowed. “And every part of you has always been more than enough. I told you, you’re everything.”
Oh.
“Mallory, I have no doubt we’ll hurt each other because we’ve spent so long doing exactly that,” he continued, the words a low rumble.
“But I’ll never intentionally hurt you again, and if I accidentally do, tell me.
If you go into self-preservation mode and start throwing all those harsh defenses at me again, I’ll talk to you.
As for not knowing how to do this?” Mischief curled at his mouth as he leaned closer.
“I promise, when you get out of your head, you know more than you realize.”
My chest shuddered with an exhale, and I felt my pulse race under his heated stare.
“Still, I’ll never push you into something you aren’t ready for.
I told you, there are no expectations, and that means for anything,” he said, even as he dipped closer until his lips were a breath away.
“You aren’t ready to live together? We won’t.
You need space? I’ll give it to you.” Gray’s mouth twitched with amusement when I swayed a little closer, nearly erasing the last of the distance between us.
“But I won’t promise to play fair during that time. ”
A scoffing yet affectionate laugh left me as I shoved him back.
“On that note, we now need to get ready for work. I’m going to shower.
” I stood from the couch and sent him a playful glare.
“Alone. In my condo. Where my things—” My next laugh was louder and freer when Gray caught me around the waist and pulled me back into his arms. Effectively silencing me when he claimed my lips with his own.
Firm but slow. Demanding but teasing. Setting my world on fire as he curled me even closer and trailed one of his hands up to cradle my neck. His thumb pressed to my jaw to deepen the kiss for another moment before pulling back.
Meeting my stare, he whispered, “Every fierce, beautiful part of you is all I want. I’ll prove that to you.” With another tender kiss, he stood from the couch and set me on my feet, nodding toward my bedroom as he did. “I’ll pick you up for work.”
I think I mumbled some sort of assent. I might’ve lingered before stumbling away, because stumbling was apparently something I did now. But I definitely swooned. Also something I apparently did now.
“You blushing, wife?”
I stilled for a second before forcing out an irritated sound and storming into my bedroom, slamming the door on Gray’s laughter.
Pressing my back to the door, I drew in a calming breath in an attempt to get a handle on my racing heart and the wings swarming my stomach.
But by the time I finally pushed away and headed for my bathroom, heat was still flooding my cheeks, and the corners of my mouth were still lifted in a lazy smile.
Knowing Gray was picking me up, I didn’t bother making coffee or eating breakfast. I had no doubt he’d come with food and a drink.
So, I was ready for work and anxiously pacing the length of my living room long before he ever let me know he was on his way.
Anxiously pacing. Also something I apparently did now.
It was better than the five minutes I’d spent standing in my bathroom, staring at the makeup I’d forced Chloe to help me buy, trying to decide if I should put it on. Or the embarrassing amount of time I’d looked at my clothes, trying to figure out what to wear.
I never thought about what I was going to wear. I always just grabbed whatever was next in my closet.
The memory of Gray’s reaction when he’d shown up the other night, finding me in a dress and with makeup applied, was what had me in my usual attire, makeup free. It was also what had prompted the anxious pacing as I’d worried over if I should start trying to look better for him.
Because I knew—I knew—what the women he usually went for looked like.
“Every fierce, beautiful part of you is all I want. I’ll prove that to you.”
Gray’s last words to me floated through my mind, stopping my steps and calming my racing, poisonous thoughts. My heart gave a little hiccup at the memory of them before another memory slipped in.
Slightly hazy, but just as strong and beautiful.
Aruba . . .
Gray was right, it shouldn’t have happened that night. But in my inebriated state, every one of my insecurities had vanished, along with my sense of decency, and I’d been the one to subtly push and push and push until he’d caved.
But when he had? He’d been so tender with me. So gentle. Taking so much care, even after a night of who knew how many drinks.
I should’ve known he would be . . . and yet, I’d hated him the next morning for thinking he’d been so careless with me.
I swallowed thickly as I glanced at the couch we’d fallen asleep on the night before.
The couch where he’d kissed me tenderly and passionately.
Where he’d held me close, as if he’d been afraid of what would happen come morning.
Where I’d hurt him by revealing what I’d known all along, and he’d somehow still offered me whatever I’d needed—even space.
Reaching for the ring tucked under my shirt, I gripped it tightly in my fist as those earlier worries flared, burning even brighter as another one slipped in.
When will he realize I’ve never deserved him?
Gray’s arms curled around my waist and his mouth skimmed across my neck before he muttered, “Don’t deserve you.”
The appreciative hum curling up my throat abruptly melted into a hushed laugh at the ridiculous claim. Tipping my head to the side, I eyed him for only a moment before going back to the water bottle I’d found on my hotel room’s desk.
I wasn’t sure which one of us had brought it in there. I couldn’t remember carrying it, and Gray had been carrying me at one point. But it was there like the sweetest offering after too many drinks I was beginning to regret, and a night of—
My cheeks heated, and I didn’t even try to fight the smile tugging at my mouth.
Well, truthfully, the best night of my life.