Chapter 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight
I feel useless, which isn’t a way I’ve felt before.
“Shay?” I press my forehead to the bathroom door. “Can I come in?”
There’s a splash and then a sigh. “Yeah.”
Over the last three days, I’ve spent more time in this little room than any other in the house. The bathtub has always been her sanctuary, and because she’s happiest in here, I’ve been sitting right beside her.
Her body remains still as I swing open the door.
White bubbles cling her torso, dark braids spilling over the edge of the porcelain tub.
Even with her eyes closed, they flutter restlessly.
It’s as if she’s playing back every second, desperate to pinpoint the exact moment she went wrong to not get Garrett or the promotion.
“You’re back already?” she asks without opening her eyes. “I thought you were helping Billie with a catering order all afternoon.”
The tile is damp under my bare feet. “She said she didn’t need me.”
Disbelief wrinkles Shay’s nose. “Impossible. Your mother would never decline the presence of her favorite and only son. So why don’t you tell me why you’re really not there?”
I can’t help but laugh at her all-knowing tone as I set the goodie bag by her head. “Mom and I didn’t like that I wasn’t with you, so I made a call. MalPal and Kent are filling in so I can be here. But I didn’t come back empty handed.”
An intrigued eye pops open. “I do love a good Billie treat. How many did you eat on the drive?”
“One.” But only because Mom made me promise. “The rest of the dark chocolate chip cookies, with extra chocolate chips, are for you.”
“God, I love your mother. She’s the definition of an angel. I’ll text her when I get out of the bath.” Shay’s lips lift ever so slightly before they straighten again. “You’re hovering.”
I know I am. It feels like the only thing I can do right now.
“How long did you take off from work?”
Watery eyes stare up at the ceiling. “Two weeks.”
According to Andy, Shay has only taken one day off since they started working at Permian.
A single sick day. No vacations. No half days for doctor’s appointments.
No mental health days. No personal errands.
If it were under different circumstances, I’d be happy she’s finally taking a break, but it only exacerbates my worry.
“Any fun plans? The Pilots leave for Oklahoma tomorrow, but I’ll only be gone for three days. Do you need anything before—”
“I’m fine, Cade.” With each frustrated kick of her legs, the water shivers, tiny waves racing away from her. “These are my plans: I’m going to sit here in the bathtub until my fingers are wrinkly and I forget about my complete failures.”
Since the two blows of bad news, Shay hasn’t cried, but her voice carries a permanent tremor.
“You didn’t fail, Shay. I know you didn’t get the promotion—”
“Or Garrett.”
“Or Garrett,” I choke out. “But that doesn’t mean you failed.”
When Jon said there were clients he needed to sign, I never would’ve thought he was talking about Garrett Blane. I almost want to call Garrett stupid for not seeing the red flags, but neither did I. Not until it was too late. Jon is too skilled at looking like the perfect agent.
Little do people know that he’s a nightmare in disguise.
I blocked him after receiving his final message.
Jon Sweeney
Tell your girlfriend better luck next time.
“Cade,” she exhales, stretching my name like it’s two syllables.
“Please don’t say it’s part of the job or the journey to success or that something better will come.
It’s not just about that. I believed for so long that I’d eventually gain the respect of my coworkers and move up.
” The heels of her palms dig into her eyes, less rubbing and more crushing.
“I appreciate you so much, but I can’t handle optimism right now. Not today. Please.”
As the guy who has always been able to fix things and keep people happy, it stings, but I know nothing I say right now will repair this for her.
“I’m sorry, baby.”
Her hand appears from under the water, soapy and smelling of lavender, and I take it and bring it to my lips.
“Don’t be. I did everything I was supposed to do. I courted him to the best of my ability, buckled down and worked harder than ever, went above and beyond to make sure my clients were happy and taken care of, and it—” She sucks in a sharp breath. “It still wasn’t enough. I wasn’t enough.”
There are so many things I want to say, but as a man, my experiences are so much different than women’s. Especially one in a male-dominated field working in an office that treats her like an outsider rather than a teammate.
If Shay were a man, not only would she have probably gotten Garrett and the promotion, but nobody would’ve batted an eye when she started dating a client.
“I didn’t want to make your life harder,” I breathe against her wrist.
She hesitates, then laughs quietly. “You didn’t, Cade. If anything, you make it lighter.”
“But what if that’s why you didn’t get the job? Or the promotion? And that argument with your mom?” When her brows scrunch, I try to jog her memory. “After you told Trevor we were together, we had a movie night and she called you. It didn’t sound good.”
“Oh, that.” Her free hand comes above the surface and she waves.
“Mom taught me how to keep myself safe, so when I told her I decided to date my ex-client, I expected a blowup.” For the first time in three days, she smiles.
“It started off rocky, but it ended up being the best conversation we’ve had in years.
I think that was the first time I’ve ever heard her say she doesn’t care about my job.
All she wanted to do was make sure that my heart was okay.
That I was safe. My happiness and certainty about you comforted her. ”
Feeling a sense of relief, I squeeze her hand. I know how important those words from her mother must be.
“I’m still sorry this is happening. But I’ll be right by your side.”
A full bottom lip pushes into a pout. “Until you leave me for three days.” The bath drain gurgles as she readjusts and turns to face me.
“Thank you for being here. It’s just hard.
I knew having it all was a myth, but for some reason I thought I could be the exception.
It’s clear I can’t, and I need to come to terms with that. ”
“No,” I say quickly. “You don’t need to come to terms with anything because that’s bullshit, Shay. What does ‘having it all’ mean?”
Foamy bubbles cling to her raised shoulder. “I don’t know. I’ve always seen it as the nice-paying job, the nice house and cars that show how hard you’ve worked.”
“But what does it mean to you? Define what ‘it all’ is to Shaylene Turner. Nobody else.”
“It doesn’t matter. It’s a dream. A myth.”
Fighting her on this may not be the smartest idea, but I can’t stop.
“It matters to you, Shay, which means it matters. Tell me.”
As if all the fight drains from her, she slumps forward and relents.
“To me, having it all means being successful and happy. I want to be an agent who treats her clients like human beings. I want to get more than three hours of sleep a night and not feel a pit of dread in my stomach every time I step into the office. I want time with my best friends to be a regular part of my life, not a bimonthly occasion that I spend thinking about work.” My stomach takes a nosedive when she sits up and holds my gaze, warm and unhurried.
“And I want love. As uncontrollable and scary as it is, I want it. I spent so much time avoiding it because I didn’t think it could be part of my ‘all.’ But now you’re here and—”
“I do love you, by the way.”
Surprise blooms in her features. “You don’t have to say it ju—”
“I’m not saying it just because, Shay baby.
I’ve loved you since before I left for California, and it’s only grown since then.
You don’t understand how hard it’s been to not let it slip while eating cereal with you in the morning, or on the couch as you mouth every word to your favorite rom-coms, or when I watch you put your heart and soul into your job.
” I swallow hard. “If it wouldn’t have been utterly insane, I would’ve said it the moment I walked into Permian and saw you standing there by the window. ”
I do love her. Always have and I always will.
But maybe this wasn’t the time to tell her.
Before she can respond, I shake my head. “I’m sorry. You’re drowning your sorrows in a bubble bath, and I’m confessing a long-kept secret. I should’ve said it over a fancy dinner or after a baseball game. Maybe at Slim Jim’s, since it’s our place—”
“I love you too, you rambling fool.”
Without another word, she pulls me into the bathtub with her. It doesn’t matter that my clothes are soaked and there are bubbles in my hair, because this is where I’m meant to be. Shay doesn’t love me because I’m good at baseball or the golden boy.
She loves me because I’m a rambling idiot who has been in love with her since college and will be for the rest of my life.