Chapter 9 #2
Grayson shut his eyes. This was what Ryder feared of himself.
But Grayson already knew there was violence in Weryn–in all of them–but it was the kindness and honor in Ryder that now directed that violence only to where it belonged.
Just as Eyros’ caustic wit and endless jibes were now controlled by Balthazar’s understanding of the hurt they caused and the desire not to inflict the pain he felt on others, but to lift them up.
And what has being Grayson taught me? He wondered. But he said to Eyros, That’s not completely fair, Eyros. Many who were here during the War and faced him have said he was unhinged–
I can see into minds, Ashyr, Eyros interrupted, but almost gently.
They saw him as berserking out, but I could see into his mind and he was not as caught up in blood lust anymore than he wished to be.
He let the beast out, sure, but he wanted it out in the first place.
He didn’t slip his leash. He removed it.
And without you there to bring him to heel–
Grayson’s hands fisted at his sides. But I am here.
If he truly needs someone to pull him back from the brink, I’m here.
But he doesn’t need that anymore. Eyros, I know this is hard to understand–and goes against your own experiences with him where you are justifiably bitter and angry–but Ryder is Weryn with a conscience.
That was it. That was what was different about them all.
Being human, mortal, frail had taught them to empathize.
Being an Immortal who never felt exhaustion or pain or fear, how could they have truly understood what others suffer?
Why would they have pulled their punches when they could never feel the harm they caused?
I want you to ask yourself if that is the type of person you want as a Master, Eyros said.
He’s just turning me. He won’t be my Master, Grayson pointed out, but there was still that niggle of fear in him that Ryder would be able to control him.
He knew now that control was absolutely essential to him and his sense of self.
But he also knew that Ryder would never abuse any such power even if he had it.
Again, I can read minds so lying is really pointless, Eyros said. Or… are you lying to yourself?
I love him. Grayson was firm on this. And I trust him.
I know.
He’s changed. If he was ever as you say, he’s changed, Grayson retorted. Besides, are we not all vicious at the core? At least, we were that way. But not anymore. We’ve found our consciences. We can empathize and understand.
Empathize and understand? I never thought to hear those words from you. You’re… different, Eyros admitted. Dare I say, softer?
Maybe. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being all sharp edges and ice led us as much to defeat as to victory. And now, we need victory of another sort against the humans. Grayson pushed off from the tree and started striding forward. Tell me if I’m going to run into anything nasty.
Of course, Eyros agreed. Normally, I would be able to control these creatures with their puny brains, but Weryn riled them all up and it is much harder to take them over. You do that, don’t you? All these beasties are really extensions of him and yet they want to eat your guts.
They’re animals and they’re hungry. Of course, they want to eat. I imagine I’m quite tasty, Grayson said.
But he thought that, despite what Eyros was saying about the beasts being beyond him because of Weryn, that Balthazar could have controlled them.
How can a shadow of me do more than me? Eyros sounded snippy.
Grayson sighed. He should know better than to think anything would be private from the other Immortal. And he truly didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he already had in the past. But this was true.
I don’t know. Caemorn is far stronger than he ever was as Kaly, Grayson said. Maybe it’s because they have more imagination than we did back then. Now, I mean.
More imagination? Your memories show me that they have no idea of even a tenth of what our gifts are capable of, Eyros scoffed.
I can’t explain it, Grayson admitted as he crossed his arms over his chest and rubbed them. He was getting cold. Cold and tired. Already. It just is so.
I’ve never shied away from the truth, but according to you, I don’t even want to remember myself! There was hurt and anger in Eyros’ tone.
You mustn’t be hurt by your decision this life, Eyros. You–Balthazar–has had a lot of trauma this time around, Grayson explained and felt a welling of warmth at the thought of the other Immortal. You’re dealing with that. You’ll figure your past out in time.
Hurt? That’s absurd! I’m just damned disappointed in this supposed better me, Eyros remarked and Grayson could hear the quotes around “better me.” You don’t think you’re better now. You’re trying to shed this mortal life as quickly as possible.
Grayson looked down, feeling shame at that. He was glad his father and Charlie couldn’t hear that from Eyros, but hadn’t he said it out loud often enough for them to be fully aware of what he thought? Yes, he had.
Maybe I was wrong about that, Grayson said.
I believe I would have seen Kaly’s distress if I had been Grayson back then.
I think I would have noticed how fractured we all were and recognized how dangerous that was.
And I would have realized my own pain at Daemon choosing to go to sleep instead of staying with us and dealt with it rather than pretending it didn’t matter.
The War wouldn’t have happened if we were back then the people that we are now.
There was silence from Eyros then. Grayson hoped that he was aware of any creatures.
The woods were dark and deep, but there were small openings in the forest’s canopy that allowed stray moonbeams down.
There were also small luminous insects that rose up from the grass rather like lightning bugs, but these ones glowed blue-white.
So he could relatively see where he was going.
But he didn’t believe he’d catch a glimpse of one of the many predators that roamed these woods before it was on top of him.
It’s so beautiful here, Grayson realized.
Weryn always wanted to go out into the wilderness, but I mostly wished to remain in the cities.
Even with Daemon asleep–or maybe because of it–I’d had a lot to keep track of.
Our enemies most especially. Ryder and I are definitely going to camp out once I’m turned.
You’re really set on him turning you? Eyros asked almost morosely.
Yes, because, even if what all you say is true, he has changed. We all have, Grayson said.
But you worry that he’ll be Master of you! That your Bloodline will become subservient to his! Eyros cried.
And then it hit him, what Eyros’ real concern about that was. Roan had turned Balthazar. Kaly had turned Eyros. Of course. That was what the problem was.
Have you really looked at my memories about Balthazar and Caemorn? Grayson asked gently.
I’ve… they make no sense! Eyros sounded like a frightened child.
Caemorn is exactly the type of Master I’d want, Grayson admitted.
He’s there. Ready to protect Balthazar at the drop of a hat even from hurtful words.
But he doesn’t overshadow Balthazar in the least. He gives counsel, but allows Balthazar to make his own decisions.
He encourages Balthazar to explore his Kaly powers and makes him believe in himself even when Balthazar maybe doesn’t succeed the first hundred times.
That’s ridiculous! If I had Kaly’s gift, I’d outshine him! He could imagine Eyros tossing his head back.
No, you wouldn’t. Grayson rolled his eyes at this typical show of Eyros arrogance, but then added. But Caemorn would be thrilled if Balthazar did.
You really think that? Eyros sounded surprised and… hopeful.
I know it. Grayson shrugged. I’ve seen it between them. The pride in Caemorn’s eyes when Balthazar–when you–created Bone Bear and are commanding him despite not even knowing it. And there’s more. So much more.
I just can’t believe he won’t turn on me, Eyros whispered. We’ve hated each other for so long. How can he just put that in the past? Or is he avoiding his memories too?
No, Caemorn isn’t. He would never allow himself the indulgence of that.
He flagellates himself with them. With his failures.
With his cruelties, Grayson said, knowing this to be true.
And you try to get him to forgive himself.
You make him laugh. You ensure that he is included.
When he’s standing at the edge of a party, you drag him into the center of it.
No longer will Kaly be allowed to think himself an outsider when he is surrounded by friends.
You make me sound like a saint! I’d have to be to make that odd duck my constant companion, Eyros groused, but he sounded pleased.
I think you like him almost as much as you like Christian, Grayson said. In a different way, to be sure, but, dare I say it, you love them both.
Love? Love Kaly? But Eyros sounded more mock-outraged than anything else.
Yes. And he loves you back. Deeply. Truly. With all of his being.
Gods, that sounds so… so…
Wonderful, Grayson filled in for him even though he knew that was likely not the word that Eyros would have used, but it was the true word.
And this Christian… I seem rather fond of him, Eyros sounded uncertain of this.
Oh, yes, fond would be a faint term for what you feel for him. Grayson smiled. He’s your match, Eyros.
Good grief, Eyros murmured.
Grayson continued smiling. Because Eyros sounded intrigued and excited by the prospect of all this change. That was good. That was how to think of it. It was then that he felt the air move behind him and Eyros’ voice blast in his brain at the same time.
Ashyr, get out of there! Eyros cried.
An arm curled around Grayson’s throat and he was pulled tight against a powerful chest. “Ashyr? Is it really you? Gods, it really is you. But human! How delightful!”
Grayson’s heart fell into his feet. “Hello, Roan.”