Chapter 22
22
HOPE
We had a moment before.
I’m certain I’m not imagining it.
When he pretended to be my boyfriend, and I sunk into his warmth and felt the steady beat of his heart beneath my hand, I got lost for a moment. If Evan hadn’t come over when he did, I’m not sure what would have happened next.
Thank goodness he showed up.
Ben called me Cookie .
I wonder if it’s because he thinks I crumble like a cookie. I shake my head at the ridiculousness of the thought. He’s never once looked at me like I’m weak or broken. I guess he was caught on the spot, and since we were surrounded by cookies, it kinda makes sense. Wyatt never gave me a nickname, so I’m not sure how I feel about it.
I smile, take money, and hand over tray after tray of cookies. In between customers, I lift to my toes to see where Ben and Evan are. I expected Ben to drop Evan and leave, not stick around for as long as he has. I scan the gym until my eyes land on them, sitting at a table, sharing a treat, and drinking juice. Evan’s smiling and nodding, and I admire the way Ben’s T-shirt stretches across his taut, muscular back. More customers stop at my table, and I lose sight of the pair as I focus on serving.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman step around my table. When I glance up, my eyes land on Mom and I smile. “Hey, Mom. I’ll just be a sec.”
“Hi, sweetie. You do what you need to, and I’ll help where I can.” She shuffles closer, checks over the table, then grabs extra stock from the crates behind us to restock.
“Thanks. Where’s Dad?”
She chuckles. “He’s buying up a storm at the table selling candies.” That makes sense. He has such a sweet tooth. “Where’s Evan? I thought he’d be here.” She presses up on her toes to look around the gym. I know the instant her eyes land on her grandson, because a wide smile pushes up her cheeks. “Oh, there he is.” Her grin drops. “He’s talking to a man,” she adds, a hint of worry in her tone.
I don’t have time to put her mind at ease before another customer approaches the table and asks about the various flavors of cookies for sale.
“Nanna!” my son’s voice rings out, and the next thing I know, a streak of red flings himself into her waiting arms.
Hmpf. He wouldn’t hug me. I was lucky he let me play with his hair. I brush off my hurt feelings and watch them embrace. I guess he hasn’t seen her since yesterday. Well, that’s what I tell myself to lessen the sting of his earlier rejection.
He pulls away and tugs on her hand. “Nanna, come meet my friend, Ben.”
Mom’s eyes widen comically, then she snaps her gaze to me and raises her eyebrows. “Oh, I’d love to meet your new friend.” She pats her hair down and readjusts her blouse as she follows my boy a few feet away to Ben.
Poor Ben. I didn’t have time to warn him. She’ll have us married with babies within the blink of an eye, and he won’t even see it coming. I’m just thankful Wyatt’s parents are out of town this weekend— that would be awkward.
Another wave of customers approach my table, and I get busy dealing with them and restocking. Once they’re gone and the table’s full again, I reorganize the crates of cookies, stacking the empty ones off to the side for collection.
Mom slips next to me, and her smile reminds me of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland . “Ben’s a lovely young man. It seems he and Evan have formed a strong friendship.”
I ignore the excitement in her tone. “Yeah, they have. Evan really enjoys his company, along with Rex, his dog.”
“Mmhm,” she responds.
“Evan’s been a lot calmer and happier since he started volunteering at the shelter with Ben and the other kids every other week. That’s where he was this morning and why Ben’s here. He gave Evan a ride, so I had more time to bake and get ready.” Shut up already, Hope . The more I speak, the bigger Mom’s grin grows.
“Such a helpful young man,” she remarks, her eyes practically sparkling with delight.
“Yeah, he is.”
“Mmhm.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask defensively, widening my eyes. “Mmhm?”
She presses her lips together, like she’s trying to hold back her smile, but it’s a lost cause at this point. She can’t hide her delight. “I was just agreeing with you. I’ve noticed the difference in Evan, and he loves to talk about Ben. It was lovely to meet him. That’s all.” She raises her eyebrows, her eyes gleaming beneath the gym’s overhead lights.
I narrow my eyes. “That’s all?” I grouse. “Why don’t I believe you? I know your mind is working a million miles a minute.”
She leans in close. “Would it be so bad if I were thinking how nice it would be if you also happened to develop a friendship with Ben? Maybe something a little more?”
A fresh wave of customers interrupts our conversation, and I send up a thank you to whatever higher power rescued me. We sell more trays of cookies, and I bend to the crates to collect more to restock the table again. When I stand, Mom sidles up close.
“I bet he looks fantastic in his uniform,” she says.
I flick my eyes to Ben, hoping he didn’t hear, only to find him shaking hands with Dad. I guess there was no avoiding it since he’s with Evan. Dad’ll talk to anyone, and the fact that he’s with his grandson makes him a prime target.
“Oh, look. Stan likes him, too.”
I roll my eyes skyward. “Dad likes everyone, Mom.”
She nods sagely. “True. But I can tell he really likes Ben.”
I slowly turn my head toward her, my expression dripping with disbelief. “They’ve spent less than a minute together, Mom. Settle down.”
She flicks her wrist toward me. “After forty years of marriage, I know your father better than I know myself most days.”
That’s probably true, seeing as it was the same for me and Wyatt. We were together since I was sixteen, married when I was twenty. Then, I lost him when I was twenty-eight. A weight falls on my chest, threatening to force me to my knees, but I take a deep breath and bring my focus back to the present—just like my grief counselor taught me in group.
After another hour, the gym finally empties, and we pack down our tables. I have two trays of cookies left. Not bad. Ben, Dad, and Evan help where they can, Mom stacks chairs, and I collect the empty crates to store behind the gym. When we’re finally finished, we walk out to our cars together. I pull my sweater tighter around my body to ward off the chill in the late afternoon air.
Mom wraps her arm around Evan’s shoulder and tugs him to her side, leaving me to walk alongside Ben and Dad. He goes willingly, wrapping his arm around her waist. “Would you like to come for a sleepover? We can watch a movie, and I can make waffles and bacon for breakfast.”
He turns to me, his eyes wide and excited. You’d think he’d get sick of seeing Mom every day, but he loves her so much. “Yeah, can I, Mom?”
“Good idea, June. He can help me harvest the veggies for dinner,” Dad adds, mussing up Evan’s hair.
I almost pout. That means I’ll be home alone tonight. I hate being in the house on my own. Even with the television on, it feels too quiet. Too empty. But I paste on a smile. “If you want to.” I look up at Mom. “What time would you like me to pick him up tomorrow?”
“Why don’t you come for lunch?”
I nod. “All right. That sounds like a plan.”
I say my goodbyes to Mom and Dad and then pull Evan into me to hug him, which he allows. “Have fun and be good. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“I will.”
I kiss the top of his head. “Remember, I love you all the way to Knowhere and back again.”
“I love you too, Mom.” He squeezes me quickly, then pulls away. “See ya tomorrow.” He turns to Ben. “See ya later, Ben.”
“See ya, Ev.” Ben waves.
“It was so lovely to meet you, Ben. Hopefully, we’ll see you again soon.” Oh, god! Seriously, Mom, could you be any more transparent? “Evan’s birthday is coming up next month. Perhaps we’ll see you then?”
Ben chuckles, showing his perfectly straight teeth. “Nice to meet you, too. If I’m lucky enough to score an invite, I’ll definitely be there. Enjoy your evening.”
“Bye, Ben,” Dad calls as they head off. I watch them pile into Dad’s car and pull out of the parking lot, leaving me alone with Ben.
“Thanks for all of your help today.” I take a step toward my car. “I’ll see you later?” I tug my purse straps higher up my shoulder, preparing to make my escape.
“Happy to help whenever you need it.” He doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to leave, and I sense he wants to linger for a little while, even though it’s getting colder. “I guess you have the evening to yourself, huh?”
My shoulders sag. “Yeah. I always get the first weekend of the month to myself because Evan stays with Wyatt’s parents for the weekend.” I look down at the cracked sidewalk between us. “I hate it.”
“It’s great that they still get to keep that connection with their grandson.”
I wrap my arms around my body. “Of course. I would never deny them,” I say a little defensively.
Ben holds his hands up. “I-I didn’t mean it that way.”
“A lot of people are surprised when I tell them, and I can never understand why.” I soften my tone. “They’re as much Evan’s family as mine are. It would seem unfair for them to lose their son and then never see their grandchild because of that.”
He nods. “Agreed. They’ve already lost so much.” He pauses. “You all have,” he adds, leaning a little toward me. His hands twitch at his sides, like he wants to reach out for me. To comfort me somehow.
My stomach falls and rolls, twists and tangles on itself. “Yeah.” He’s always so caring and understanding whenever Wyatt pops up in the discussion.
We stand awkwardly at the edge of the almost empty parking lot. Since I dreamed about Ben going down on me, I can barely look the guy in the eye. I feel like I somehow took advantage of him against his will when he’s been nothing but respectful—a true gentleman. I drop my eyes to his hands, and my neck heats at the reminder of what his fingers felt like when they were inside me.
Not that I know what they feel like, but the dream was so real.
Oh, god. And now I’m thinking about it while I’m standing right next to him. What the hell is wrong with me?
He tilts his head to the side. “Are you okay?”
I twist a curl around my finger, buying time to get my head out of the gutter. “Uh, yeah?” He studies me closely. He’s not buying my answer. “I guess I’m a little thrown. I wasn’t expecting to be on my own tonight.” I chuckle awkwardly.
Thankfully, he tucks those thick fingers in his jean pockets and out of sight, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the way his tattoos move as his muscles shift. Wyatt only had his army ranger tattoo over his heart. I never realized how much I like tattoos. Or maybe I just like Ben’s tattoos. “I guess you could call your girlfriends and go out, or something.”
My stomach sinks remembering the last time I tried to go out with the girls and failed epically. “Ha. They’d probably love that, but I’m not much for going out these days.” I shrug and drop my eyes to my feet. I sound like a loser.
“I don’t go out that much either.” How can that be? I raise my eyes to his, and he reads my unspoken question. “My best friend is a firefighter, so our schedules rarely align. The most we do is occasionally enjoy a quiet beer at Brady’s .” He drops his chin with a boyish smile. “I guess we’re not that different.”
My eyes widen in disbelief. “Uh, yeah we are. I’m a miserable single mom. You’re a young, good-looking guy.” I wave my hand around the vicinity of his body. “You should be out there, meeting women and having fun.” Even though I say the words, they taste like cardboard on my tongue.
His eyes twinkle as he raises his eyebrows, and a cheeky grin lifts his lips. “Maybe I don’t need to go out to meet a woman. Maybe I’ve already met a woman I’d prefer to spend time with.” His eyes bore into mine, and I get the distinct impression he’s referring to me, but I can’t be certain—and I don’t want to assume anything. It’s better … safer if I assume he’s talking about someone else. I’m certainly not ready to go down that road. I’m not sure I ever will be.
“Oh. Well … that’s great.” I hook my purse straps up higher just for something to do. A sick feeling forms in my stomach. It feels a lot like jealousy, and I have no idea why. I have no relationship with Ben. He’s not mine.
Nor will he ever be.
Not thirty seconds ago, I decided to ignore the prospect that he was referring to me. I decided I’m not ready. It’s like my mind is a seesaw. “Anyway, I’d better be going. Thanks again for today. Enjoy your evening.” I spin on the heel of my boots to head toward my car.
I don’t like the way he makes me feel.
It feels wrong.
His footsteps sound behind me, crunching over the gravel. “Uh … would you like to maybe eat together rather than both of us eating alone?” My feet falter, and I come to an abrupt stop. Blood rushes through my system like a hurricane, tearing through my veins with such speed that dizziness assaults me. Ben reaches out to steady me, his hand burning through my sweater as he grips my arm firmly. “You okay?”
I swallow thickly, trying to steady myself as I nod slowly. “Yeah. I think so.” I chuckle awkwardly. I must be fifty shades of red right now.
“Was it because I suggested we have dinner together?” he asks softly. I nod once and try to push past my embarrassment. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot or make things awkward.” He shrugs and almost makes himself smaller, as if it’s his size that makes him intimidating.
“No. It’s totally my fault. You … uh … caught me off guard and I’m just an awkward mess.” I flap my hands around myself to drive my point home.
“I just thought we could share a meal … as friends. I always eat alone, and it’d be nice to have company for a change.” He offers a kind smile.
Well, that explains why he’s always keen to eat with me and Evan. He must get lonely. It’s not like he’s asking me on a date. We’d just be sharing a meal because we’re both alone and have to eat. It makes sense. I can make dinner for both of us.
I force a smile. “Sounds good. I can cook something for both of us if you’d like to come over around seven,” I say before I can change my mind.
His mouth tips down. “I wasn’t angling for a home-cooked meal. I can grab something on the way to your place so you can have a night off. I imagine you have to cook every night.”
I wave him off. “Nah, it’s okay. I enjoy cooking, and maybe I can make something suitable for adults for once.” It might be nice to have adult company for a change.
“If you’re sure?” I nod and he grins. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll bring something for dessert, and I’ll see you at seven.”
Flutters make themselves known in my stomach, and I swallow past the feeling that this is wrong. “Sure. See you then.”
Acid burns in my stomach, and sweat coats my forehead and down the curve of my spine. What was I thinking? I never should have agreed to dinner. And I definitely shouldn’t have invited him here and offered to cook for him.
I must have lost my freaking mind to think I could do this.
I pace around the island in my kitchen, berating myself for my stupidity. I can’t have Ben here. Alone .
It’s okay when he’s here to spend time with Evan, but this is different. I’m attracted to him, and I shouldn’t be. The backs of my eyes sting, and that telltale tingle fizzes in my nose. Hot tears well until they become too heavy and slide down my cheeks. I swipe at them angrily.
I can’t do this.
I don’t know why I thought I could.
Snatching up my phone, I navigate to my contacts and find Ben’s number. As I’m about to press his number to call, my phone rings, startling me, and I fumble to keep hold of the device.
It’s him .
I answer with a shaky finger and hold the phone up to my ear. “Hello?” My blood races through my body too fast and I grip onto the counter for support.
A long sigh sounds on the other end of the phone. “Hey, Hope. I’m so sorry to have to do this, but Rex and I have been called into work. An elderly woman with dementia has gone missing, and we need to help find her,” he says. Each word drips with regret, and I can imagine him running his thick fingers through the short strands of his hair. “This happens sometimes and I can’t say no. It’s part of the job. I’m so sorry to cancel. I was really looking forward to dinner.”
I look out my kitchen window to the darkness beyond and shiver—it’s only sixty degrees outside. That poor woman is wandering, probably lost and disoriented, out there somewhere.
“Oh no, Ben. Please don’t apologize to me. I completely understand.” Guilt washes over me at the relief I feel from him canceling. But then I think about why he canceled, and I feel terrible for the missing lady and her worried family. “Your job is important, and it’s cold out there. Finding her and making sure she’s safe is far more important than dinner. Please don’t give it a second thought.”
He blows out a breath. “Thanks for being so understanding. Maybe we can have dinner another time?”
“Yeah, sure. Good luck with your search.”
“Thanks. Bye, Hope.” Regret is thick in his voice, but all I feel is relief.
Sweet, sweet relief.
“Bye, Ben.” I sag against the counter as the phone goes dead.