Chapter 30
30
HOPE
We slow out front of my house and Ben parks behind my car, then we all climb out. When I reach the door, I pull out my key, and as I slide it into the lock, the sound of claws tapping on my hardwood floors makes me smile.
A sharp bark comes from inside, and Evan grins. “He’s excited we’re home.”
“Sounds like it.” I unlock the door, and when it swings open, Rex leaps around with his tail wagging so much that his rump tips from side to side like he hasn’t seen us for an entire week, rather than a couple of hours. “Is he always this happy to see you when you leave him home?” I ask Ben.
“Yeah. We don’t spend a lot of time apart, but he’s always happy to see me,” he tells me as he rubs Rex’s neck. He jumps and licks his dad’s face, making Ben laugh. “Good to see you too, buddy.”
“Mom, can we please get a dog?”
I heave a huge sigh in my head. Here we go again. “We can’t, Ev. Our dog would be left home alone too much and would get lonely. It wouldn’t be fair.”
His shoulders slump in defeat, and I feel like a terrible parent.
“Your mom’s right. Dogs need a lot of attention. Especially when they’re puppies,” Ben says, and I could kiss him right now for having my back.
Evan folds his arms across his chest and rolls his eyes. “Not you too. I’ll never get a dog at this rate.”
“Probably not, big guy,” I say. “Now say goodnight to Ben and off to bed.”
“But I’m not tired,” he whines.
I shoot him my best don’t mess with me look. “No arguments. Off to bed. I’ll be there to say goodnight in a minute.”
He faces Ben. “Thanks for taking us to mini golf. I had a lot of fun. Even though I lost,” he mumbles the last part under his breath.
“You didn’t lose. I did,” I remind him.
He turns to me. “You don’t count. You were never gonna win anyway,” he says matter-of-factly.
Ouch!
“Hey, don’t be mean to your mom.”
Evan sighs. “Sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean it in a mean way. I was joking.” He widens his eyes.
Ben reaches out and squeezes his shoulder. “Thanks for coming. Seb and I usually have fun, but having you guys there made it even better.”
Evan says goodbye to Rex and then heads to his bedroom, leaving me alone with Ben. I look up at him with a heart full of gratitude. “Thank you for tonight. I can’t remember the last time I saw Evan have so much fun.”
“I’m guessing that applies to you, too.” He steps closer, making me nervous, so I lean back a little until my shoulder blades are pressed against the front door.
I swallow, trying my best to produce some saliva because my mouth has become as dry as the Great Basin. “I guess.”
He moves closer again, and the smell of his aftershave wafts around me—something fresh and outdoorsy. “It was great to hear you laugh …”—his eyes trace over the contours of my face—“to see you smile and your eyes sparkle.” He holds his hand over his heart. “Stunning.”
I swallow and draw in a deep breath. “It felt nice. A little strange and I’m definitely rusty, but it felt … good to let go and have some fun.” I’m still on a high.
He nods a little, and one side of his mouth tips up. “You’re beautiful when you’re happy.” He collects a loose curl and tucks it behind my ear, sliding the back of his fingers down the side of my neck while his eyes watch the action, and I watch him.
The air around us shifts and sizzles as we regard each other quietly. My heart hammers wildly against my ribs, and the concentration I have to dedicate to regulate my breathing is ridiculous. I dart my tongue out to wet my lips, and Ben’s eyes drop to my mouth with interest as a low rumble vibrates in his chest.
His warm hand slips under the fall of my hair below my ear, and his thumb slowly strokes up and down my throat. With pupils blown wide, his eyes skip between mine and my mouth and he dips his head down a little closer.
My breathing is out of control, and he has to feel how fast the blood is rushing through my body with his hand pressed against my throat like it is. My knees shake, and my stomach twists inside out. I’m not sure if I want him to close the distance or not.
If he closes the distance, he’ll kiss me.
I scrunch my eyes closed, hoping I’ll be able to go through with it if I can’t see his face. Maybe if I imagine Wyatt’s kissing me instead.
My heart fractures.
Sending blood and tissue exploding all over my chest cavity.
I can’t do it.
I can’t kiss another man while I think of my husband.
When I open my eyes to beg him to stop, he’s moved back a little. Smiling gently, he rubs his thumb over my lips and removes his hand from my throat. My breaths stall at his expression. Compassion and understanding fill my vision, making the backs of my eyes sting and my nose burn.
Needing to apologize, I open my mouth, but Ben shakes his head, and presses his finger against my lips. “Don’t apologize to me, Hope.” He gently presses a kiss to my forehead for several seconds, then pulls away, sending a riot of butterflies through my stomach. “Thanks for coming out tonight. I had a great time.” He takes a step back and another and another until it feels like there’s an ocean between us. “C’mon, Rex.” He pats his thigh and Rex obediently moves to his side and they both head to his truck.
I watch them climb in and Ben start the engine. There’s no way I can let him go like that, so I leap down the porch steps. “Ben!”
He winds down his window, confusion creasing his forehead. My mind and emotions are such a jumble. I don’t know what to say, so I lean in the window to kiss his cheek. He turns his face at the same time, and our mouths connect for a moment, like it’s happening in slow motion.
The most surprising thing isn’t that my lips are pressed to his—or how soft they are—it’s that I haven’t pulled away.
Instead, I open my mouth slightly and press my lips against his bottom one, then repeat the action with the top pillow. The short bristles around his mouth are rough, but his lips are so very soft, inviting me to kiss them some more.
Ben doesn’t move, allowing me to explore his mouth without pressure. When I deepen the kiss, a groan vibrates against my mouth, and his hand slides into my hair, holding me to him gently. I know I can move away if I want to, but I don’t.
Emotion clogs my throat, and my heart stutters at the feel of a man’s lips against mine.
Of Ben’s lips against mine.
Stinging burns the backs of my eyes, my heart flips, and my bottom lip quivers, but I keep tasting. I push through the ache that’s almost breaking me in two—that threatens to tear me apart from the inside out.
Ben draws back a fraction. “It’s okay, Hope,” he murmurs, his lips touching mine with each word as he reaches up to stroke my cheek. Wetness spreads at his touch and I didn’t realize my emotions had overflowed.
I drop my forehead to his, exchanging my breath for his, trying to combat the grief overwhelming me.
Grief for what I’ve lost.
Grief for what I’ve denied myself for too long.
Grief for the deprivation of male affection for too many years to count.
The pain is almost too much to bear.
His hands cup either side of my face, and he softly kisses each damp cheek as I take in a shuddering breath. “Baby steps. Okay?” He looks at me with reassurance. “I’ll wait as long as it takes, Cookie.” He completes his promise with a kiss on my forehead, and I nod against him.
“I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” I murmur on a shaky exhale.
He chuckles quietly, his warm breath coasting across my face. “You’re the most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.”
I grin, and shake my head a little. “You’re too good to me.”
“Nah. I haven’t started being good to you yet.” He turns off his engine, nudges me back a little and climbs out of his car. “Let me hold you for a minute.”
I eagerly step into his open arms, and he wraps them around me, engulfing me and cocooning me in his warmth, his strength, his compassion. Melding my body to his, I draw his scent deep into my lungs and relax into him.
A kiss is pressed against the top of my head, and I sigh at this overwhelming feeling of contentment filling me. It’s not like I haven’t received hugs since losing Wyatt, but this one … it’s different … and so very welcome.
I’ve missed this contact … desperately.
Ben’s hand strokes my hair, while his other arm snugly holds me to him. His heart beats sure and strong beneath my cheek, and I curl my fingers into the woolen fabric beneath my hands, securing him to me. Closing my eyes, I soak in his vitality and appreciate this moment where my thoughts are finally quiet—and the guilt for being wrapped up in another man’s arms isn’t quite as loud as it was before.