Chapter 35 Paeonia #2
“I stole your locket with ill intentions, and yet you still yearn to forgive me,” he growled, her foolishness angering him.
“You didn’t do anything with it,” she whispered. Her locket remained in his room, safe. Unharmed.
He stared at her, thinking. Not speaking.
She shook her head. “I know what it’s like.
” She traced her eyes slowly over his chest. “I’ve been lonely every day of my life.
And it’s my own fault.” She mirthlessly laughed.
“I let myself be surrounded by those I don’t choose.
I say yes even when I want to say no. I was going to commit my entire life to Barth only a few weeks ago. ”
Tears began rolling down her face, and she didn’t bother wiping them. “I would have been miserable. And I would have done it all because I thought it’s what I should want to do. How I should please my father.
“Barth would have been good to me. I know he would have.”
Rowan edged closer.
“But when I came here—when you made that bargain with me—it finally felt like it was my choice. Foolish, yes, but entirely mine. It felt freeing, like I was living for once rather than just watching my life from the outside. And when you said I was your mate, it felt like I didn’t have a choice again. The same way I felt with Barth.”
His hand rested on her neck, and she tripped over her words. “B-but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never liked being t-touched.”
His grip tightened.
“But for some godforsaken reason, I crave yours. I want it so desperately. I’ve been standing here, your eyes scarier than I’ve ever seen them, and still…still I want you to pull me into your embrace. I want you to kiss me…”
She sighed, panting as if speaking all this was taking the breath from her.
“It’s like you can read my mind, and my body knows it.
And I choose to ignore my own desires. But Rowan,” she hummed, “I want to be here. Please, let me be here. Don’t keep pushing me away.
You don’t need to keep punishing yourself. ”
Her chest rose and fell in rapid repetitions as the silence encircled them.
His fingers slid across her neck and around her jaw.
She swallowed, and his eyes traced the movement.
She thought he might kiss her. That, or he was about to tear her throat out.
She waited, hoping. Hoping for something she wished she didn’t.
“I will save your father,” he muttered, tracing her features.
She almost sobbed, smiling at him. She went to thank him, but stopped when he edged his face closer, his lips just a hair’s breadth away.
She almost rose onto her toes, but Rowan’s hold prevented her from moving.
The orange light danced across Rowan’s features.
She admired the horns that extended from his head, casting a shadow on the wall he had Paeonia pushed against. The claws extended from his fingertips, the sharp point of them gently resting on her skin.
The abundance of scars that had resurfaced to his face, his cheek, his chin.
His eyes silver instead of the dark brown she had so often looked into.
His skin ebbed a violet hue, his features more animalistic than fae.
“I wish you would leave,” he whispered against her skin.
“Why?”
“Because, you’re ruining me. Every time I push you away, you just come right back. I’m going to do nothing but disgrace you.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Look at me,” he growled. “I am a beast. And you’re… You’re such a sweet, delicate thing. I—” He shook his head.
Her lip tipped up. “Are you attempting to apologize to me?”
His other hand tucked a stray tendril behind her ear. “Yes. For every terrible thing I’ve ever done and said to you. You deserve someone better.”
“What if I don’t want someone better?”
He let out a sigh.
“I’m sick of people making choices for me. I want you, Rowan. Why can’t you just let yourself want me?”
He almost looked like he might cry. But his demeanor shifted the longer he studied her.
“Do you still want me like this?” he sneered as though he thought this version of him repulsed her. Like she might run now that he had horns and claws. “This is who I am half of the time. Is this what you want to throw everything away for?”
“Yes,” she breathed.
His eyes moved between her own in mild astonishment. Then, he kissed her.
She melted into him immediately, her body wanting to be closer to his.
He moved his mouth over hers gently, then roughly, his hand clasped around her neck, forcing her where he wanted, ravaging her.
She felt light on her feet, grabbing at his shirt, tugging him toward her, wanting him as close as he could get.
His tongue slid along her lips, and she allowed him into her mouth.
And gods, his lips were punishing. She figured they’d be bruised come morning with how aggressive he kissed her.
When she whimpered, that only stirred him to deepen his movements, allowing her to tug him against her chest. She thought she’d be nervous, unknowing how to move her lips, where to place her hands, but with the fiery need that seemed to overtake Rowan, all those insecure thoughts slipped to the back of her mind.
He pressed himself flush against her, and she felt something hard around his waist, her eyes fluttering open in realization, her lips slowly breaking from the kiss. They both panted, one of his arms resting against the wall, the other still wrapped in her unbound hair.
They stood locked in each other’s gaze, breathing heavily, until his raspy, beastly voice broke the silence. “I will kill the Eldritch,” he whispered.
“I know.”
He almost rolled his eyes. He might be able to read her mind, but Paeonia was beginning to decipher Rowan just as easily.
“Do you want me to grovel?” he asked.
It took her a moment to digest his words. “W-what?”
“Because I’m not above it.”
“I was the one who left,” she said breathlessly.
He shook his head and muttered, “And yet, it is me who is remorseful. Me who doesn’t deserve your kindness. Your forgiveness.”
She tilted her lips, her brow furrowed as she longingly gazed at him.
“Do not let anyone treat you less than you deserve ever again,” he commanded.
She nodded.
“That includes me, Paeonia.”
“Just…Just tell me one thing. Tell me something in truth,” she said breathlessly.
His hand slid along her jaw. “Anything.”
“Tell me you’re sorry. Tell me you’re truly sorry, but only if you mean it.” She realized she didn’t hate that tears lined her eyes. She would no longer hate herself for feeling things so deeply.
His fingers curled behind her ear, clutching her more firmly. “I am sorry, Pae. For it all. For dragging you here. For all the terrible things I’ve spat your way. For forcing you to fall for me.”
She shook her head. “You didn’t force me.”
“Your sweetness is something I could never grow sick of. But you see too much good where it doesn’t live.”
“Rowan,” she whispered.
“We cannot fix anything tonight. But tomorrow we will discuss how to save your father. I will do this for you, even if it kills me.”
Her eyes bent as she frowned. But not from sadness, rather, from her heart feeling like it might burst from her chest.
“What’s wrong?” he asked gently, wiping a stray tear that slid down her cheeks.
A tiny laugh escaped her. She clung to his lapels and tugged him toward her, giving him the opportunity to connect their lips again.
He kissed her softly, but spun her and shoved her against the wall, deepening his movements. She whined, rolling her hips against him, her body taking control.
One of his hands grabbed her waist, dragging it along her side and over her back, pulling her against him.
She swallowed her nerves and snaked her hand between their bodies, her fingers finding him through his trousers, gripping him lightly over the fabric. He grunted, his hips jerking, and that made her momentarily gain confidence. He desired her, no matter how inexperienced.
She slithered her hand further, exploring him, touching what she had only ever seen through heavy-lidded eyes, wanting to pleasure him as he had done for her twice now.
She wasn’t sure if it was because of his glamour, but he felt bigger than she remembered, her heart thudding.
At the base of his cock, where her hand squeezed, he felt swollen, like his length expanded toward the base.
With a groan, he pulled away, and she followed his lips, wanting them on her again, but he held her in place.
“You should go to bed. You’ll need your rest.”
“Telling me what to do?”
He rolled his eyes.
“Rowan,” she said more tentatively. “Please. I want you.”
He growled low in his chest. “Even like this?” he asked again, same as earlier.
She nodded.
“Gods,” he cursed, his eyes roaming the expanse of her face, her skin hot. “But no,” he said finally.
“But—”
“This is not what you need right now, Paeonia. Not what either of us needs, much to my dismay.” He stroked his fingers through her hair. “Come, I’ll walk you to your room.”
Her heart panged knowing she was still tied to her own chambers, not his.
When they made it to her door, he grabbed her chin, tugging her toward him in a harsh pull to plant his lips on hers again. She sighed into the kiss. Who knew that such a ravenous beast like Rowan could be so sensual and dreamy?
He pulled back just enough to disconnect their lips.
“See, you can control yourself in your wyld glamour,” she mumbled against him. All his talk about going feral in his wyld form, unable to contain his desires for her, was all in his head.
His eyes danced between hers before giving her a barely noticeable grin. “Goodnight, Pae” he whispered against her lips.