Shelby
Chapter Fifteen
The Valley, Canada
“ Y ou look like you’ve just crawled out of your own grave,” Blake chimed from somewhere over my shoulder. I’d taken residence in the living room, curled into a ball on the sofa for the last forty-eight hours.
“Piss off,” I mumbled, not having the energy to argue further.
Which was a shame, because I could have gone for a bit of banter right about now.
“Seriously, have you even showered in the last two days? You’re disgusting.
” He was smiling, but there was concern in his voice.
I was the caretaker. It was the reason I couldn’t go with Corbin, right?
Yet, Blake had been bringing me food and practically force feeding me, turning the television off when I did finally succumb to sleep or refilling my glass when I finished my water.
I’d done the bare minimum because when Corb left, it felt as though he’d also somehow taken my will to live.
Blake was right. I was disgusting.
“Leave me alone,” I instead replied, pulling the blanket over my head not wanting to face the truth in his words. “Let me die in peace. ”
“This is why I am never going to fall in love,” he said with mock judgement as he sat on the lounge adjacent to mine, a bottle of juice in his hand.
“Hmmm,” I hummed, focusing on the screen ahead to stop this conversation before it went any further.
“I saw your tattoo,” he said, and I didn’t have to look over to hear the smile he would no doubt be wearing. “Told Cole that we would need to get matching tattoos also to represent our friendship.” I continued to ignore him, knowing if I gave in, he would get exactly what he wanted.
“Of course he told me to piss off, but Corbin didn’t, did he? He agreed, only his isn’t hidden on his hip. His is right where everyone can see it,” he slurped his drink loudly before belching.
“You’re an animal,” I mumbled.
“Says the one who hasn’t changed her clothes in two days,” he fired back. “You’re just annoyed I saw your little love declaration.”
“Can you leave me alone?” I turned back towards Gilmore Girls, increasing the volume as if I could ignore this conversation, my sore heart and the rest of the world until I recovered.
If I recovered.
“Shell, have you even seen yourself? You’ve got less sparkle than Mum did the last time we saw her.” My inhale was sharp, and my eyes shot to his, but he only grinned.
“Blake, you are sick. She was dead,” I whispered, noticing the cheese crumbs on my blanket from the packet of Cheezies I’d eaten for breakfast.
“Exactly and she still had more life in her than you do,” I scoffed at the sardonic humour he used as both shock value and because he couldn’t help himself. He was twisted. I turned back to the screen, watching as Rory and Logan had their sneaky kiss.
God, even this was painful.
“Seriously though,” Blake said, softening his tone, “are you okay?”
My eyes instantly filled with tears .
Why did being asked that, instantly bring forth a barrage of emotions.
“I’m fine,” I sniffed, wiping the traitorous tears with my blanket and then brushing the transferred cheese powder from my face.
“You know I’m an adult, right?”
“What?” I asked, looking at him with confusion.
“You - know - I’m - an - adult - right?” He enunciated, as if I was not only disgusting but somehow stupid.
“Of course, I know you’re an adult.”
“Just checking. Because it seems as though you think I’m your responsibility.
And I’m not, Shelbs. I’m good.” I stared at him, wondering what gave him the impression I thought that.
I’d never openly told him I felt obliged to be close in case he needed me.
Never shared the promises I made to Mum or the fear which simmered deep in the recesses of my mind, that something would happen to him if I wasn't close by.
But he knew. Because he wasn’t a naive child. As he said, he was an adult.
“He left two days ago, and you’ve barely moved,” he said, his voice no longer holding the light-hearted tone it so often did. When I still didn't reply, he sighed, running a hand through his scruffy brown hair.
“I remember being so confused when I found out we’d lived in Australia before moving here.
I guess my memory of the place didn’t last too long and I was so jealous.
I couldn’t believe that you guys had so many memories of living there when I couldn’t remember anything before Canada.
” I hung on to his every word. Blake was never serious, always a joke locked and loaded, some deathly banter ready to kill any conversation which might evoke real feelings.
Only now, he looked sad, worried even. Was he worried about me?
“And one afternoon after school, Mum was cleaning out the garage and I saw her reading that blue diary you found. When she told me what it was about and how much she loved Aunty Ashleigh, I asked her why we moved here then. Why we didn’t stay in Australia, and she’d said, ‘because I followed love,’ as if I had any idea what that meant as a seven year old. As if it was perfectly simple.”
I was frozen, the blanket pulled taut under my chin, my tear rimmed eyes blurry as I blinked, allowing them to fall.
“And I’m not sure I ever really knew what she meant. Until I saw your face after Corbin left. It was not even remotely like the way you looked when he was here. Shelbs, I’ve never seen you as happy as you’ve been in the last week. And now that he has gone…” he trailed off.
“Have you smelt yourself,” he asked after a few seconds passed, his mockery back.
I subtly tried to sniff my armpits while I replayed what he said.
Mum followed love. Dad had wanted to move here, and she’d followed, knowing it would uproot her entire life and take her away from her family and her best-friend. She’d chosen love, and it was something she never regretted, because it meant she had more time with Dad. The man she loved.
“It’s okay to choose love, Shelby. I would if I was ever stupid enough to let it happen. Which I’m not,” he said with a laugh.
I stared at him, wondering when the heck my little brother had become a man. A man who appeared to know way more than I did. A man who didn’t need his sister watching out for him, because he was doing just fine.
“Cole is going to be here in half an hour, so can you please go shower,” he said, as he comfortingly tapped me on the head as he passed. “And maybe wash your hair,” he added with another laugh, and I sighed, still refusing to give him any inclination that I’d listened.
Only his words had penetrated the bubble I’d cocooned myself within since I’d stood on my porch and watched as the car holding the man I loved turned the corner .
Turning the television off, I stood, watching as crumbs from the last two days fell to the floor. My head spun from the movement, already foreign after laying sedentary for so long.
Had I made a huge mistake in letting Corbin leave?
Leave without telling him I loved him? Letting him leave without me?
He’d blindly followed me here when he knew I needed someone.
He’d come with me across the country, purely to support me when I didn’t even realise I needed a friend.
And I’d given him nothing. I’d taken him for granted for some misguided need to care for someone who didn’t need me the way I thought.
With a deep sigh I headed towards my room.
I wanted to thank Blake, to hug him and tell him I loved him, and to apologise. Tell him I was sorry if I was overbearing or forceful, knowing I’d likely thrown myself into caring for him as a way of admitting I really didn’t have much else in my life which brought me joy.
For the last two days though, the roles had switched, and he’d cared for me. And I think what scared me the most was underneath his jokes, I could tell he was worried about me.
And that was the last thing I wanted. I was sad and a little broken, but I would be okay. I’d experienced heartbreak before. I’d grieved the loss of both of my parents, and I’d come out stronger.
Only this felt different.
This was something I’d knowingly chosen. Knowingly allowed - and for what reason.
Blake was right. I was living a life haunted by the possibility he might need something. He was my responsibility, and I’d promised Mum I would always look out for him. Only now, I really wasn’t upholding my end of the bargain, and he was looking out for me.
Looking at the state of the living room, I shook my head.
I really was a mess, and I definitely needed a shower. I would start there. Then I would tidy this house and decide what the next couple of days were going to look like before we entered another new year. I would also need to call Corbin at some point, but that seemed insurmountable now.
Hygiene first.
One thing at a time.
After a long shower, three bouts of shampoo and a fresh pair of clothes, I tidied the house.
I lit some candles and fluffed the pillows.
I turned the music up as loud as it would go and sang my heart out to all the songs we’d listened to while we traipsed the beautiful roads of Australia.
I thought about Corbin and the moments we’d shared.
I thought about what Blake said and how right he really was.
I thought about the things I was too scared to admit and those I needed to confess. Only I wasn’t even sure where to begin.
Reaching for my supplies, I planted myself on my freshly made bed, a stick of incense burning, and I coloured until I drifted off into the first restful sleep I’d had in almost three days.
Even in sleep I felt him.
I could smell him.