24. What We’ve Lost #3
She knew it the way she knew the hum of the Emberkind.
She'd spent thirteen years inside of this feeling, processing that Elena was scattered somewhere the PERS couldn't map, alive or not, and no way to know which was the crueler answer.
She knew it knowing Jere was on a blue planet, choosing a life that couldn't include her, and though glad for him, it still completely gutted her at the same time.
Reyna knew exactly what Charlie was asking, because she'd been asking it of the stars since Torvax led her to this room the very first time.
She felt the old reflex move through her, the one she used to stay upright for so many years.
The want to change the subject, or give the least invested version she could, the same she gave the crew.
He was a valued member of this ship and his loss is felt.
It was the truth, but it was also small enough to survive saying.
But Charlie was sitting there, not looking up, tugging on that bracelet and waiting to find out if she was alone in this heavy feeling.
The same feeling Reyna knew all too well.
And, suddenly, Reyna wanted to tell her.
She wanted to tell Charlie she wasn't alone by letting her know Reyna's full experience with the same feeling.
And the want arrived so fast and certain for Reyna that it was alarming.
"Yeah," Reyna said. "I do." Charlie finally looked up, and Reyna saw the first strands of hope cross Charlie's face since she arrived in this room.
"Elena," Reyna began. "Elena was my captain. One of my best friends." Charlie's brow pinched.
Reyna took a deep breath and looked to the viewport.
"Elena was the first person who looked at the Emberkind and saw what it could become.
When we came aboard, this ship was old and understaffed, kept from decommission only because its infrastructure was one of a kind.
The cargo hold was the biggest ever built by the Coalition, but it was completely empty.
But then she just looked at it one day and saw habitats.
Animal habitats. Forests, wetlands, medical bays, enclosures.
All that you see here today." Reyna smiled at the memory of Elena's idea erupting out of her the day it became something real.
"That sounds like someone who loved this ship," Charlie said quietly.
"She did."
Reyna noticed Charlie watching her closely now. "She mattered to you, didn't she?" Charlie asked. "And you mattered to her. The same thing." Charlie pinpointed it exactly, just as Reyna knew she would. "What I've got and what you've got. She was the one who knew the whole map."
Reyna went still. Charlie had reached across and set her finger on the center of it, knowing it fully since it was the same feeling she was battling now.
Reyna turned back to the stars. "She was infuriating," Reyna began again, a soft laugh under her breath.
"She had this gift for deciding impossible things should just exist and then behaving as though reality would just accommodate her.
And if it didn't, she'd take personal offense.
" Reyna's gaze returned to Charlie. "She'd make some wild declaration about the future of this ship, and Jere would back her before she'd finished the sentence. "
Reyna paused.
"Jere... he was the third of us, the first animal specialist aboard the Emberkind. Where Elena had the vision and I kept it from falling apart, Jere was the reason any of it was worth doing. He gave it its heart."
It had been so long since Reyna had talked about Elena or Jere so openly that she was finding it difficult to force her mouth to move, to create the words. But she kept going.
"He was Qorrathi. Natural shapeshifters, though that was the least interesting thing about him.
" Reyna watched as Charlie's eyes went wide, and laughed softly.
" You see, Jere could talk to animals. And I mean, really talk to them.
He understood them. He could communicate with them in a way no one else in the Coalition could.
He could attend to a frightened creature that nobody could get near by simply sitting down beside it for ten minutes, and by the end, the creature would be eating out of his hand.
Then he'd be telling us its whole life story like they'd been friends for years. "
Reyna suddenly grew quiet. "It was a rare gift, even among his own people.
But you would never have known. He was the loudest, warmest, most ridiculous person I have ever met.
He decided, about thirty seconds after meeting me, that we were going to be friends, and simply refused to be told otherwise. "
Charlie was watching her speak, quiet. And it made Reyna not just feel listened to, but heard.
"That was Jere. Elena would make some wild declaration about the future of this ship, and Jere would back her before she'd finished the sentence.
He'd start in on animal-care requirements no one had approved, and Elena would wave him off, figuring it would work itself out.
Only I'd be standing there calculating cost, power, staffing, and structural load, and then be sure to remind them the crew also needed to breathe. "
Reyna watched as Charlie's mouth curved, only for a second, and slowly, she realized it was feeling easier to talk.
"The truth is, I didn't make this dream.
Elena did, while Jere gave it its direct connection to the animals.
But all three of us had to work together to make their impossible thing into something feasible, even every unglamorous piece it would take to make that vision survive. "
Charlie gave her a small smile, causing Reyna's own to appear on her face.
"She knew that," Charlie said softly.
"Yeah," Reyna said, her fingers brushing the line of her pocket. "She did." Charlie looked down at Reyna's fingers, noticing the movement.
"What is it?" Charlie asked, pointing.
Reyna hesitated, but not long. She took out the pen, its dark casing catching the starlight and the faint iridescence, the tip now worn smooth.
"This was Elena's. A star map pen. She used it to draw every rescue route the Emberkind ever flew, from the very first mission after the refit onward, right there on the charts in her office.
" Reyna rolled it slowly between her fingers.
"For years, it was hers. She only gave it to me later. "
"When did she give it to you?" Charlie asked.
"When she made me First Mate," Reyna responded, reliving the moment.
"I never asked for the promotion. In fact, I told her she should pick someone else, someone with command experience.
Someone who wanted it." Reyna's mouth moved into a bittersweet smile.
"But she requested me anyway. That same infuriating trait, as if knowing this was what was meant to be without question and simply waiting for the rest of us to catch up. I didn't stand a chance."
Reyna paused, looking down at the star pen again. It had been so long since she'd relived this memory. Somehow, it felt right that Charlie was the first one to hear it in full.
"After she waited for me to catch up, she took this out of her desk and told me to carry it.
As my trinket." She glanced up at Charlie.
"Everyone on a PERS-equipped ship carries one.
A personal object, registered to your signature.
If the system ever has to pull you back, it locks onto your trinket to find you.
Without it, there's nothing for the retrieval to anchor to.
Sometimes it's the only thing that brings a person home. "
Charlie's eyes went to the pen with new weight. "So that's what would bring you back. If something happened to you."
"It is." Reyna turned it once between her fingers. "When she gave it to me, I already had a trinket, though. A fork."
Charlie gave her a look. "A fork."
Reyna's mouth quirked, not quite a smile.
"It had significance," she quipped. Charlie nodded gently.
Reyna rolled her eyes, their playfulness a welcome return.
"It was one from the table where I met Elena and Jere our first night at the academy.
" Reyna's memory engaged again, going back to that first day.
"I was sitting alone, making it very clear I wanted to stay that way.
But Jere took one look at me from across the room and decided I was going to be his friend.
" Reyna shook her head, laughing softly.
"He came over, sat down beside me, and set a drink in front of me and one in front of the empty chair between us.
He'd only carried two over. One for what would eventually be where Elena sat, and one for me.
None for himself. I hate to admit I noticed that before I noticed anything else.
In fact, it was the first thing I ever said to him, that he was either very generous or very bad at math.
" Reyna smiled softly. "I took the fork off the table on my way out that night.
I didn't even know why. I just knew I didn't want to leave that table with nothing. "
Charlie didn't say anything. She was listening.
"Elena asked for it. When she gave me the pen, she wanted the fork for her own trinket.
" Reyna's gaze dropped back down to the pen as she turned it over once more.
"She told me she drew the maps, but I built the roads.
That every route on those charts existed because I'd kept the ship running long enough to reach the coordinates she'd marked.
Then she put this in my hand and closed my fingers around it. " A pause. "I tried to refuse."
"Naturally," Charlie said quietly. Reyna smiled briefly before she continued.