Chapter 15 Take the Reins
Take the Reins
“Iusually spend this day alone.”
“Yes,” he answered simply.
“I’ve never cried like that.”
“You needed it.”
We walked along the shoreline, our fingers intertwined.
He raised my hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it.
When I’d finally settled down, and my tears ebbed, Daire sat up and cradled me on his lap like a baby. I would have been embarrassed if I hadn’t been so bloody exhausted. As it was, I simply curled into his chest.
When I was able to pull myself together, we walked down to the beach together.
At the bottom of the bluffs, he took my hand in his.
It was the most perfect thing in the world for me to leave it there.
Every year, after climbing the bluffs, I walked the beach for hours, not returning home until my legs were too tired to carry me any further.
This year, I felt oddly rested. It was him. I knew that but acknowledging it out loud gave him far too much leverage over me.
And he’d already inserted himself further into my life than anyone else ever had.
“Did you follow me?”
“No,” he paused. “I called Hawk. When he wouldn’t tell me where you were, I called Max.”
“Why wouldn’t Hawk tell you?”
“Maybe he thinks I’m not good enough for you.”
I snorted. “Yeah, right.”
He grinned and tucked me to his side. “So long as you think I’m good enough, that’s all that matters.”
“Anyone ever tell you you’re pushy?”
“All the time,” he answered easily.
“Hm. Max knew where I was?”
“He guessed you’d be on the beach or up on the bluffs. He did warn me you preferred to be alone today.”
“I usually do,” I agreed.
“And now?”
I answered simply. “Thank you.”
He ran his hand down my side to my hip and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’d say anytime but I’d just as soon you didn’t make that a habit. I don’t like to see you upset.”
I smiled wryly. “I guess you’ve gathered I’ve got a bit of baggage.”
He chuckled. “Who doesn’t?”
“I’m serious,” I protested, chuckling softly. “I’m a lot to handle, you know.” I cleared my throat. “I wouldn’t have put it on you, but you showed up long past the point of no return…”
“I can handle your pain, Harley. And I can handle you.”
“Thank you for not trying to make me feel better.”
There was too much for me to unpack at that moment, but I was beginning to believe that he could.
He smiled sadly. “I promise, I’ll never try to make you feel better.”
I squeezed his hand. “Deal.”
We walked until we reached the footbridge to Carousel Island.
I tipped my chin back to look up at his face. “Have you been to Carousel Island yet?”
He smiled down at me softly. “Not yet. You want to remedy that?”
I nodded. “I want to show you something.”
Not once, in all the years I’d missed him, had I veered from my routine on this day. But I wanted to share something good with Daire. That something good being Hunter. As if I could somehow bring them together.
“We used to come here all the time as kids.” I smiled at the memories.
“Old Man Gilley looked after the carousel, and he loved Hunter. Adored him.” I shrugged.
“Not many people didn’t. And Hunter loved that carousel and loved this tiny island.
It closed every night at eight. When we were in our teens, Hunter borrowed the keys without Old Man Gilley’s knowledge and made copies.
We snuck into the park and rode the ponies every night. ”
“I think I would have liked him,” Daire mused then corrected himself. “I know I would have liked him. How was he with you?”
I saw the old carousel in the distance and lengthened my steps. “He was my hero and my friend. And I’m not just saying that because he’s gone and I’m seeing him through rose-colored glasses. He had his faults, but he never failed me.”
I stopped short and squeezed my eyes shut, the back of my hand hitting my mouth as if it could stem the tide of my grief.
Because while he never failed me, I had desperately failed him.
Daire turned me into his chest, his big hand cupping the back of my head.
The pain of losing him throttled my words. I could do nothing but cling to Daire and share the burden of my grief with someone other than Hunter for the first time.
“I never cry.” My breath hitched in my throat. “I know that seems impossible to you right now, but it’s the truth.”
“You’ve been strong all on your own for a really long time.”
On my own, yes. Strong? I wasn’t so sure I wasn’t just scared of the truth.
Even now, I wanted to confess. Tell Daire everything. As if he could absolve me.
“Oh, God!” I groaned. “I can’t believe this. I’m telling you, I never cry. Not at home. Not in private. Not ever. Except at The Point and only once a year. And I don’t ever cry in front of anyone else. I’m so sorry I’m blubbering all over you.”
His hand knotted in my hair, the sharp sting serving again to center me, as he curled around me. “Don’t, Harley. Don’t be sorry. To comfort you is a privilege, and not one I take lightly.”
Loosening his grip on my hair, he straightened and wrapped both hands around the back of my neck, pushing his strong fingers up into my hair to massage my scalp.
My head fell back in his hands as the tension eased from my jaw, as the muscles around my mouth relaxed.
“That’s it, little one,” he murmured softly. “Give yourself over to me for just a minute. Let me take this one minute out of your hands and give you a breather.”
I breathed in deeply, my chest expanding, my neck arching back further. “That’s so good, Daire.”
“Better?” he asked gruffly.
My eyes fluttered open.
He studied me intently.
I searched his eyes but could not read his face. “Are you okay?” I whispered. “It’s too much,” I decided, pulling away.
He tightened his hold. “You are not too much. How about you show me Hunter’s carousel now?”
Stepping out of the circle of his arms, I nodded and moved toward the carousel. Finding the right pony almost immediately, I bent low and pointed to the inside of the back leg where all five of us had carved our names.
“We had a habit of carving our names everywhere we could. Here. The bench at The Lookout.” I laughed out loud.
“I was sad because I didn’t technically make the swim team.
Hunter, Noelle, and Max bought a can of spray paint and changed the sign for Hailey’s Falls into Harley’s Falls.
We got in so much trouble for that.” My throat closed up again.
“If you look closely, you can still see the faint outline of the R we couldn’t entirely erase. ”
I dropped down to my haunches. “Look here.” Tracing the plaque bolted to the pony’s chest, I read it out loud.
Ride on, little buddy. “Old Man Gilley put this here after Hunter died. I think he was onto us the whole time. He loved Hunter so much.” I paused to even out my breathing.
“He died a few years after Hunter. He owned the carousel, and the town leased it from him. He left it to the town in his will with the stipulation that this pony never be painted over.”
Suddenly exhausted, I rested my forehead against the pony’s side.
“They’re talking about taking it down.” I hiccupped.
“Taking it down?”
I nodded, the agony of its possible loss closing my throat. “Yes. It needs repairs and they haven’t decided if they’re going to put the money into it or just take it down.”
Daire sat down beside me, then pulled me onto his lap.
I went without a fuss. I snorted to myself. I was getting used to him carrying me around.
“Why didn’t you use the fundraiser for the carousel?”
“That would be selfish. I can’t just ignore something the whole community needs and use the money for something that is really only important to me.”
After a few minutes, he asked, “Do you still have the key?”
I smiled. “Hawk thinks he has the only key, but Hunter gave me one the day he made them.” I produced my keys from my pocket, showing Daire the key.
“You want to ride?”
“I haven’t ridden the Carousel since he died.”
“Would this be a good time?”
I looked up at him, his visage blurred. “It works on a timer. Will you ride with me?”
“Yes. I’ll ride with you.”
Daire started the ride, stepping up on the side and trotting around to where I sat on Hunter’s pony.
I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against the pole and found myself immersed in the sound of Hunter’s laughter, the memory of his wide grin, the fierce light in his eyes when he set his mind to something, the weight of his arm around my shoulders, and all the love I carried for him in my heart.
And when the ride slowed to a stop, Daire stood unmoving beside me, his arms looped loosely around my waist, his face tucked into my hair.
I ran my fingernails over his scalp, my heart more at peace that it had been in years. “Are you okay?”
“Are you?” he countered.
“I haven’t felt this much peace in years,” I admitted.
His head shot up, his beautiful eyes stared into mine. He seemed to find what he was looking for as he smiled. “Good. That’s good, Harley.”
Lifting my other leg over the pony, he wrapped my legs around his waist and picked me up.
“What are you doing?” I laughed, my voice hoarse.
“I’m carrying you.”
“I’m not a baby,” I snorted even as I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“Trust me,” he guffawed. “I know. Just shut up for a few minutes and hang on.”
“So romantic,” I sighed dramatically, but I shut up and tucked my face into his neck.
He walked us off the carousel, set me down on my feet, and retrieved my key. “Let’s go get you something to eat and put you to bed.”
“I don’t want to see anybody, Daire.”
“That’s fine. We’ll order in.”
Hours later, stretched out on my couch with my feet in his lap, my chest rising and falling evenly while the television droned on in the background, and I watched him sleep.
We were poised at the beginning of something sweet but fragile.
Something less flirtatious.
Something deeper.
A double frown line marred his forehead.
He looked tired.
Vulnerable.
I carefully pulled my feet from his lap and sat up. “Daire, come to bed.” The words popped out of my mouth before my brain could analyze them.
But it was late.
He was tired.
And so was I.
We would sleep. Sleep and nothing more because I was already in deeper with him than I’d ever been with anybody else.
And I wasn’t yet sure I would be able to keep myself afloat.
He blinked at me blearily then scrubbed his hands over his face. “You okay?”
“I’m good. Are you okay?” I asked worriedly.
He nodded and stood up. “Come here, little one,” he murmured gruffly. Bending, he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me against his chest. “Wrap your legs around me.”
My heart pounded in my chest. “Daire—”
“Just going to cuddle you, little spitfire. You can push me away again in the morning. But tonight, you’re going to let me hold you.”
I relaxed in his hold.
Happy for him to take the reins.
He pulled back the covers and laid me down on the bed before stripping down to his boxers and sliding in behind me.
Pulling me into his chest and the shelter of his arms, his breathing evened out almost immediately.
For the first time since losing Hunter, I didn’t feel lonely.
But when I woke the next morning, he was gone.